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maxboisen-blog · 8 years ago

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Feelings

A little while ago I felt like I was on the road of turning depressed. I have felt like this for quite a while but I did not want to call myself that because of the stigma that is attached to it right now. Also, how should I call myself then? I am not depressed. I really do not want to call myself that and this is why I know I am not. Maybe I should call it a very long period of sadness. Because I know I am sad and I am trying to fight it, however, it is so hard sometimes.

I am about to quit my course at school. I am stuydying Environmental Science and it is probably the worst descision I have ever made. I thought I would enjoy it a lot and mean something towards the world. However, when my study councelor spoke to me she asked: is this really what you want? Do you see yourself writing lab reports when at your job and doing experiments? She told me this because I had told her from the start and she knew how much trouble I had with courses like science or physics and biology. And the worst thing about it is that this whole 4 year course only consists of those subjects. This is probably the furthest thing I would want in my life to do. Yes of course I still want to mean something towards the world and I care so much about the environment, however, I am not the person who is able to fix those problems. No matter how bad I would want to.

So knowing that and having had that conversation I knew I had to find something else. Pretty much right away I did find something that had grabbed my attention. This was a study called Creative Media and Game Technologies. Two of my housemates are currently studying that course and they encouraged me to go to their school to see if this course was something for me. I instantly fell in love with it. This was something that has had secretely my attention for a long time. I have gamed for years and years and always was amazed by the work put into it. I also used to love drawing. I always drawed dragons or mytical creatures. However, I have not done this in years. When I started high school this hobby pretty much stopped abruptly. I have always struggled with school, however, always just made it on the edge. Failing college is going to be my first real fail and it sucks so hard. Even worse is knowing that I am going to waste two years of my life. Because I am screwing up this year with a course I absolutely hate and to make it worse, I cant do the course I love next year because I was late signing up and there is absolutely no possiblity I will be able to do it next year.

This is why I am feeling this sadness. I feel like a complete failure and to make it worse I am projecting it towards my familiy and probably my only friend. My only friend who has a crush on me and I cannot even call my friend because of that. I feel like I just have to go with this ‘love’. Because I cannot stand being alone. When I am left alone with my thoughts I feel like screaming or crying. All I feel is this sadness and disappoinment. But when I am with this guy I feel pretty much more normal. It is just about having company that makes it a little better. However, I am handling this all the wrong way because I do not love him. No matter how hard I try or how many times I have slept with him cuddling I cannot.

On one hand this is only making it worse and on the other hand it is the company. But I really am not worth his company. Especially, when I give him the wrong ideas. So, pretty much the bottom line is that I am still alone. I am alone and not good at anything.

So, now the subject I was thinking about before I made a new email and wanted to write a blogpost about. I have never been good at anything. So I went out this morning for a quick run after breakfast to help me feel better because I had all this energy that I needed to run off or something. But always when you sign up for something there is this question that is: Do you have any talents? What are you good at?. Since I finished High School I have come across this question multiple times and I absolutely disgust it. Because I feel like they are almost rubbing in my face that I am not good at anything. I have absolutely no hobbies I have been doing for years or a sport I have been doing for years. I do not have any friends so I am not socially skilled either.

So I was thinking about this and I felt like I have done absolutely nothing useful the past years. All I pretty much did was going to school and going home being useless. To make it worse I was not even good at school. I barely made my classes and barely graduated. However, I was thinking this morning that now I am going to be useless for two years I could pick up a hobby or something. However, I still do not know what and usually when I start things I never finish them. This is pretty much my next hurdle because I do not know what to do. I really do not but I want to be good at something. I also want to have that drive to be better and to keep pushing myself because I know it will help you out a lot during your life.

So if anyone might read this please I ask your help. I am alone and I feel shitty and useless and no I am not asking for attention. To top it off I hate asking for help but I do not want to feel like this anymore. So if anyone has cool hobbies or things they can get lost in please tell me I want to do something.

#help #hobby #school #new #blog

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