maykatha

[maykatha]

twenty-four things I never got to say,

it was your birthday when the LET results came out. I guess it's your way of saying "congratulations, I love you!" to me?

we don't talk to and with each other anymore. I always wonder how life has been treating you so far.

I wish I hated you more than I love you. I wish I could just cut you off entirely out of my life, like an umbilical cord inside the mother's womb.

I have this theory that the reason why I (subconsciously) tend to cook food for two people is that I always want to share it with you. and ask you how's my cooking. and of course, you'll tell me that it is good because you always believe that everything that I do is good.

I don't thank you enough, I think. thank you for being an avenue for me to reach my dreams. to live my dreams. to cry for my dreams. to suffer for and from it.

I'm glad I stayed. I'm glad I didn't get in. I'm glad I decided not to move away. I'm glad to see more of you. I'm glad to spend more time with you. this time, I'll always choose to stay. just let me stay, for a little while.

some things didn't change. I still don't have a facebook app. I still suck at replying (especially to facebook messages). I still long for baby's lugaw, especially when it's rainy. especially when I am away. I still love smirnoff. I still hold the same dreams. I still cling to the same range of rage.

your existence in my life made me love myself even more.

I miss your forehead kisses. I miss those times when i am still clothed with innocence. I miss our midnight snacks; which comprises of two (2) pieces tj hotdogs (oven-cooked), gardenia bread, and mayo. i think I will be getting a Thumbelina tattoo in the future. of course, it's always about you and for you.

thank you for making the fall and fail feel softer than it should be.

I can't imagine surviving that part of this journey without you. truth is, whenever I get cold feet over everything, I always think of how I want to spend more time with you. in this journey. in this lifetime. how I want to share more meals with you. more of life in this line, with you.

when you didn't blocked me on spotify, I knew that it wasn't over for us. thank you for coming back into my life.

I sometimes wonder what life could be like if we actually d!ed during that crash?

tracing back to no. 5, thank you for always giving and gifting me postcards as your pasalubong in every place/country you've ever been. my room is now filled with pictures of places I have never been; snapshots of life I have yet to live.

I've been saving the last two shots of my roll for us.

I wish you could teach me more of your language.

it still amazes me how you were able to memorize that one Shakespeare poem.

I lied. It wasn't an heirloom. I thrifted it. I'm so cool, right?

having his initial around your neck for the longest time made me create such imaginative stories inside my head; the hypothetical delusions of him, giving that to you before he went away to work, giving that as a manifesto of his love to you and your family—only to find out that it always belonged to me. that it was for me. that it was meant for me. my mother bought that for me. it's always been me.

I'm sorry I got cold feet again. I passed my paper without fully investing myself in it. without putting my life in it. I wrote it like I was walking through eggshells—I wasn't ready, I realized, to share my story in such eyes. maybe one day, when I am not afraid anymore.

growing up as I acquire such discernment, I thought that I never wanted to have kids. nor will I ever be able to have the capacity to love and envision myself to marry someone. however, nowadays, I found myself collecting and thrifting vintage clothes for kids.

I regret sharing my childhood dreams with you. you don't deserve to know me that far.

thank you for healing me in the very places I was once broken into. or into pieces. the parallelism still amazes me up until today.

crying with you is still one of the best feelings ever because we always end up laughing. I miss you, I'll see you soon.

[maykatha]

graduate na ako,

it's been three days. ang bagal kong mag-proseso considering na kailangan ko agad lumarga sa iba pang bangka ng buhay ko. buti na lang nandiyan si Bianca, ang taga-salo ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung saan ilalagay muna, pang-samantala. ganito na rin naman talaga kami, o siya, kahit noon pa. especially noong nasa Araullo na kami. hinding hindi ko makakalimutan 'yung hapon na may nakita (ulit) ako, at nalamang niloko (ulit) ako. sa kaniya ko naisip na unang lumapit. hindi sa sarili ko. sa kaniya, kay Bianca.

mag-iisang taon na kami graduate. pero siguro, ngayon ko na (finally) masasabi na, graduate na ako. masakit isipin na tapos na 'yung isa sa pinaka-masaya, or should I say, the happiest time of my life. pero masarap isipin at mapagtanto na I got the chance to live such a life that good. with the people that I truly love.

crazy for me to think and wish during the summer before our senior year na, sana this will just pass by. na paki-dalian po at gusto ko nang umalis sa lugar na ito. without me realizing and being open to the possibility na that year will change the way I see and love my alma mater. and the people that exist in it.

sa wakas.

sa susunod ulit?

Mayka. :)

[maykatha]

heto nanaman tayo, heto nanaman siya

hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa pagod o fatigue sa lahat ng nangyari at nangyayari sa buhay ko---hindi ko rin naman masabing happy pagod, gaya ng instant gratification na nararamdaman ko 1 year ago dahil sa pagtuturo.

siguro, siguro, necessary pagod ang eksaktong depinasyon sa nararamdaman kong ito. magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagsususlat ngayon, dahil alam ko naman, at alam ko naman palagi; dahil kumakawala nanaman sila. nangangati, nangingilid na kala mo'y mga luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

gusto kong magsulat dahil nangungulila ako. gusto kong magsulat dahil gusto kong magpahinga. gusto kong magsulat dahil pagod ako. hindi masasabing pagod na ako, dahil ayokong mapagod sa ginagawa ko. sa hinaharap ko. dahil sa tingin at palagay ko ay kapag sinabi mo na ang mga katagang: "pagod NA ako," ay parang may kasiguraduhang nakarating ka na sa hangganan mo. na hindi mo NA talaga kaya. na ayaw mo NA talaga. dahil pagod ka NA talaga. kaya, pagod lang ako.

gusto ko rin magsulat dahil gusto kong ikuwento sa'yo na sobra akong natutuwa sa hiniram kong libro sa library. libro na babasahin para sa buhay, hindi para sa piniling buhay aka life in law school. although, konektado rin kasi talaga sila. pasensya na, ang hirap ihiwalay. natutuwa ako in a sense na ang layo na rin pala talaga ng lipunan natin pagdating sa maraming bagay. natutuwa ako in a sense na buti na lang, dito sa buhay na 'to ako nabuhay. hindi dati na ultimo pagboto, pag-apply ng credit card, pag-aaral at kung ano pang gawain na dapat ay may karapatan ang ISANG TAO ay ipinagkakait sa kababaihan; dahil sila, o ako raw ay naka-angkla sa talampakan ng mga kalalakihan na kagaya mo. pero kaakibat ng realizations na ito ay ang urge na dapat, dapat lang ay may patunayan ako. dapat lang na patunayan kong dapat lang na nandito ako. na hindi na lamang nakabase sa trahedya ng kahapon kung bakit ko piniling pumarito sa pag-aaral na ito—dahil (palaging) may mas malaking rason pa sa mga mumunting pangarap na bumubuo sa atin. sa akin. na oo nga pala, hindi lamang tayo tuldok o alikabok. dahil tayo ay bahagi ng isang malawak na protesta sa buhay.

ang dami kong sinasabi. ang dami ko pang hindi nababasang kaso. ang dami ko pang hindi alam. gusto lang naman kitang kamustahin.

palagi,

Mayka.

[maykatha]

it's 2025: my first pair of Dr. Martens is turning 10 this year and I can't seem to fully forgive myself,

well, I'm trying.

i was decluttering my clothes and shoes for the reasons of a) we are moving, and b) I am one of those people who tends to do such kapag bagong taon. full of cracks, and perhaps, even the muds from our Japan trip last 2023 (don't judge me, i don't clean my shoes...), doon ko lang napagtanto na magsasampung taon na pala sa akin 'yung first docs ko. heck, I was only 13 or 14 when I got that. i thrifted that in Alabang for two thousand pesos. kind of a proud moment because a) it was a steal (and there's no way na I will spend 8k sa shoes noon), b) I spent my own money, and c) it was the "IT" shoes back then.

despite it being the 'cool shoes' that everyone one twitter or tumblr aspired to have, I, on the other hand, does not entirely wear it much. looking back, I was so shy to the extent na I don't and cannot entirely express my style. i remember this one time na *finally* sinuot ko s'ya on a random mundane Sunday, (na hindi ko ulit inulit for the longest time) my fellow c-life member said na parang pang-CAT daw. i took it negatively, of course! I'm just a girl with self-esteem issues noon, noh. I hated standing out, and such comment made me feel like I was because naninigaw 'yung suot ko. naninigaw in a sense na hindi naman dapat. and I feel like I am rambling right not but, trust me, may patutunguhan 'to.

significantly, after years of pruning and growing in and out from various liminal spaces in life, the fact that I'm literally in my early 20's, I now religiously wear my new platform pairs that my kuya (Tito) brought in Europe—buti pa 'yung shoes ko naka-punta na ng Paris noh. emphasis on platforms kasi 'yan, naninigaw na talaga. at oo, muntik ako laging maging 5'6 pag suot ko. after years of exploration, napanindigan ko na rin sa wakas (in a way) 'yung sense of style ko. at promise nga, may patutunguhan 'to.

during our preliminary exams week last year, I got extremely sick. lorna, being the best as she is, immediately went home to me sa Taft na may dalang lapu-lapu. isisigang n'ya raw para makahigop ako ng sabaw. medyo memorable sa akin 'yun dahil una, despite me being sick that time, the exam that I took the day after that was my highest, and pangalawa, nagkaroon ako ng cathartic moment noong hinatid ko sa UN station si mama during that time—while walking back to my condo, may naka-sabay akong mag-ina, ihahatid papasok sa school 'yung anak n'yang babae. and guess what? she was wearing Dr. Martens. just like my first pairs. that tall combat boots. and it looks so good. so so good with her high school uniform.

funny how such mundanity can entirely create this cathartic realization among us. or sa akin lang 'to? nakakatuwa kasi nakita ko 'yung sarili ko sa batang babae. 'yung sarili ko that I never gave the chance to exist. nakakatuwa kasi may kung anong pag-hilom akong naramdaman, pag-hilom dahil may mga babae na as such a young age, ay kaya nang gain 'yung mga bagay na pinagdamot ko noon sa sarili ko.

over-acting as it seems, but I wish I could have just worn those damn shoes over and over again. I wish I did not mind people's comments nor being afraid of "standing out". and I wish I was more kind to myself back then. more softer. I wish extended more grace to my growth. because again, I am just a girl!

siguro nga, forgiveness comes in several forms and ways. and perhaps one of my ways of forgiving myself is [finally] letting me wear those damn shoes over and over again. kahit na mabigat s'ya.

kahit na mabigat s'ya,

MICAH.

[maykatha]

"we write to taste life twice." sabi ni phoebe hindi buffay at hindi rin bridgers.

paulit-ulit na ring sumasagi't dumadaan 'yung sentiments sa social media ko wherein it states or circulates around sa thought na, if they were given a chance to go back into some particular occurrences sa life nila, wala naman silang babaguhin. gusto lang nilang maramdaman ulit, nang paulit-ulit 'yung mga mumunting bagay na bigay o biyaya ng nakaraan.

3 months in sa LS, sa totoo lang, I don't really know how I have gotten this far. ang daming beses ko nang muntik bumitaw, pero, pero, sa mga pagkakataong 'yun—ewan ko ba, ewan ko ha. pero laging may sumasalba't nagpapaalala kung bakit nga ba ako nandito. o bakit ko piniling pumarito. at promise, may punto o patutunguhan 'to patungkol sa title ng kung ano mang oda ang dinadada sa kalagitnaan ng pag-intindi kay Bernas.

sa loob ng tatlong buwan, lagi kong pinapaalala sa sarili, bago matulog na mag-sulat manlang. na isulat mo naman 'yung mga magaganda't hindi gaanong maganda na nangyari sa araw mo. 'yung mga bagay na nagpangiti o kinagalit mo nung nakaraan. 'yung mensaheng hindi mo pa rin makalimutan hanggang ngayon, dahil sa dulot nitong ligaya o lungkot. na sana, sana, isulat mo naman 'yung mga biyayang bigay. biyaya ng buhay. o sulatan mo manlang 'yung mga taong nariyan pa rin sa tabi mo, hanggang ngayon (kahit alam naman nating dalawa na mas malaki 'yung posibilidad na you will never, ever give such writings to that person) pero still.

kaya heto. 'to siguro 'yung mga bagay na gugustuhin kong masamsam mula sa nakaraan:

'yung pagtambay namin sa field bago mag-off campus internship sa aurallo—sobrang busog namin ng araw na 'to. first time ni bianca mag-lrt 2. first time ko namang mag-panda express.

'yung gabing sinabi ko kay mama na aakyat sila sa stage ni papa sa graduation. ginabi na noon, galing school. SLP kasi at sa pagkakatanda ko, nilibre kami ni ivan ng coco. napatigil ako sa paglalakad papasok sa condo. natigilan ako kasi tumawag na umiiyak si mama sa tuwa. oa pero napa-upo na lang din ako kasi hindi ko talaga aakalain. tinding laban din non ha!

'yung time na nalaman kong pumasa ako. hindi ko rin expect kasi inooverthink ko 'yung interview. and among other things. siguro isa na talaga doon ay 'yung thought na is it a right decision ba na unahin ko 'to? or 'yung thought na, baka it's not for me. the school or the dream itself. pero andito na tayo.

'yung unang overnight ng college friends ko dito sa condo. sobrang saya noon. almost empty pa 'tong space ko. iilan pa lang 'yung sapatos. wala pang gaanong alikabok. o naka-dikit sa dingding. nagising kami non sa fire alarm sa hallway. naka-ilang bote kami ng smirnoff (na miss ko na btw) at isa or dalawa ata na bote ng gsm.

'yung time na hinahanap namin ni Oli 'yung gashapon sa MOA. naka-20k steps ata ako noon. ang tanga kasi hindi pa pala talaga open 'yung store. nasabihan pa tuloy akong, "can you please just use your brain?" ng pamangkin kong crush si Dylan.

dugtungan ko bukas, promise. tatapusin ko lang 'tong art xi. sa consti.

(cont. 28 November, 2024) discovering a new food place that we all LOVE. ang warming lang din kasi 'yung part na hinintay talaga nila kami makabalik (as promised) after our 6-9pm class. they even extended their service hours until 10pm to accommodate us :,)

'yung maraming beses na halos hindi na makahinga kakatawa kasama si Reigee—kahit saan, at kahit ano ang pinag-uusapan. and perhaps, even that, is a blessing. to have someone, platonically or romantically, that you can always end such conversation, laughing.

'yung time na napanood namin si Reese Lansangan nang live. at 'yung tears of joy, or tipsy na lang talaga ako, habang kinakanta n'ya na 'yung what is this feeling? kailan kaya ulit.

'yung iyak-tawa conversation noong retreat namin sa tagaytay. gago, first time ko ata naging ganoon ka-verbal sa mga saloobin ko towards other people. thanks, angge?

dugtungan ko ulit mamaya or bukas,

pinky swear,

MICAH.

[maykatha]

Para kay B,

sabi sa libro ni Ricky Lee, "kakabog ang dibdib mo, kikiligin ang kalamnan mo, at kikirot ang puso mo. kabog, kilig, kirot. kapag naramdaman mo ang tatlong k, umiibig ka."

sa mga panahong magkasama tayo, kabog at kilig ang naramramdaman ko. pero gusto ko sana 'tong dagdagan ng isa pang k—kalmado. at sa mga panahon naman na hindi tayo magkasama, masasabi kong napapalitan na ng kirot ang isang k.

noong gabi na binigyan mo ako ng kape sa may St. Raymund's, spontaneously, nasabi ko naman na 'to pero that simple gesture saved me. kasi literal na you showed up out of nowhere during one of the crucial times of my life (my friends can vouch on this). hiyang-hiya ka non, halata sa ngiti mo. hiyang-hiya rin ako kasi galing pa akong off-campus, mukha na akong alikabok.

noong gabi na sinabi mong pinanganak kang hindi buo, alongside you, opening up about something personal, gusto sana kitang yakapin non. kaso malayo tayo sa isa't isa at dis oras na 'yun ng gabi.

noong unang yakap natin, sa totoo lang, hindi ko expect. ang lakas ng loob mo ah, in fairness, nagulat kasi talaga ako because you initiated one pagka-upo ko sa grab. innova na maroon, kabisado pa nga. nalimot ko lang plate number kasi hindi na ako naka-salamin noon. at siguro, pinaka-nagulat ako sa naramdaman ko habang magkayakap tayo sa Noval. kasi ang kalmado. ang bango mo rin. pero nakaka-badtrip talaga kasi amoy alchohol at pulbo na tender care ni Ivan ako noon; binuhos kasi nila sa'kin kasi shet, maghapon kaming nasa labas. nanibago ako kasi noon ko lang naramdaman 'yun. pero kahit na bago sa pakiramdam ko, i felt comfortable, safe even. oo, safe is the right word.

gaya ng pagdating, or should I say, pagbalik mo sa buhay ko, hindi ko rin expect na noong gabing 'yun ko na marerealize na mahal na kita. na mahal na nga kita. and realizing such a thing should scare you, right? especially coming from various tragedies that made you believe that, maybe, just maybe, that that kind of love does not exist, nor will it ever exist in my life.  i should be scared, but i was not, because i felt safe. realizing that made me feel safe. at oo, nakatulala akong nakangiti sa grab noon pauwi.

my heart is full of gratitude whenever i think of you, and us, and everything in between. please don't ever think that you have left such a painful mark on it because you never did; hence, you only left or even painted such cracks golden. oh, you healed a heart you never broke. B, our time together is an epitome that, indeed, to love is to be changed. and I did changed, for the better. sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam sa paanong paraan pero mas minahal ko 'yung sarili ko noong dumating ka sa buhay ko. i hope i did such a thing too, created an impact sa'yo na mas kinagaan o kinaganda (kahit papaano, kahit kaunti) ng mga bagay-bagay sa buhay mo.

I am proud of you for choosing what you really have to do, choosing your family, and putting them up first. which is something na hindi kayang gawin ng ate ko; ang pillin kami. i am certain na magbubunga lahat ng sacrifices mo today; let it be a seed that will bridge you to flourish in the future! magiging Abogado ka, ako. naniniwala ako sa'yo at sa mga kakayahan mo; whether may it be known or still in the process of knowing.

life is so good because I get to meet you. know you. hold you. and love you.

hindi maipapangakong huli na 'to,

MAYKA.

[maykatha]

sentiments of a twenty something years old, (nakulam ver.)

TW: death & mentioning of abuse

two months late, but hello!

i have been doing this “tradition” since i was sixteen, and the fact that i still do it, despite the transitory nature of life and our inevitability of change, goes to show that I am consistent with this “craft.” however as i age and live this hiram na buhay na bigay ng Maykapal, i have come to realize that:

⭐️ we shouldn’t be pressured by numbers. (up for counter argument kasi ang privileged ng take, self-aware masyado, pasensya) kaya nga siguro hinahayaan ko na lang ‘yung sarili ko na magsulat at magbahagi ng more than or less than the lessons i’ve learned through my lived experiences at the age of twenty-three. gosh aNG TANDA BUT AT THE SAME TIME, ang bata. after all, life is measured by how we decided to live it.

⭐️ ‘wag magsesettle sa pangit na bus. but don’t let it determine the journey on the way home or to somewhere, nowhere even. you can still enjoy the ride, kahit na amoy yosi't epal talaga 'yung konduktor.

⭐️ ‘wag madaliin. actually, galing to sa lasing na kim eh. pero totoo naman. hindi naman talaga dapat minamadali. and ang hirap tanggapin ‘to bilang babae na may invisible kalendaryo’t orasan that conventionally dictate or determine our “worth," at oo, nakakainis lang din minsan dahil aminado akong, minsan, ay napapatigil ako't napapansin 'yung kung anong mata (na alam ko namang social constructs lang 'to) na nagmamanman sa kung nasaan na ba ako Bilang Babae sa lipunang 'to.

⭐️ pero, ‘wag puro huwag. tracing back to angelica’s weaved words through her letter, living our best lives is only one decision away. (pero again, open for counter arguments kasi nabubuhay tayo sa buhay na hindi lahat may choice, as it also equates to our privilege) literally, a simple "yes" or single step can lead you to where you really belong, to your becoming, to your dreams and prayers.

⭐️ sabi rin n’ya, don’t let other people (again) harden your soft heart! having your heart placed in your hand is one of the bravest things one can do. and in fact, i have it in my hand, minsan sa kaliwa, madalas sa kanan. at oo, wala sa sleeves ko. kasi after all, hindi naman lahat ng taong nakakasalubong ko ay may tapang na hawakan ‘yung mga kamay ko eh. :))

⭐️ forgiveness for the self is always the hardest. kaya sana, sana, mas bumawi ka sa sarili mo, Micah. mas mahalin at respetuhin mo pa 'yung sarili mo—'yung puso, utak, katawan, 'yung kabuoan mo. patawarin mo na 'yung bersyon mo na umoo sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat. na hindi naman tapat.

⭐️ we can be healed in the most unexpected ways. as in. kaya sana, kapag dumating o dumadating, huwag sanang I-question. ah, now I remember what our college counselor has told me nung April during our off-campus internship, "hindi ba you prayed for it? bakit mo tinataboy?" bakit nga ba madalas tayong nawiwindang sa magagandang bagay na nangyayari. bakit ba't mas sanay tayong hawakan o yakapin 'yung mga tragedies...

hopefully, this time around, mas makita't mahagkan 'yung mga biyayang bigay. kasi hindi naman ibibigay 'yan sa'yo kung hindi naman talaga para sa'yo iyan, 'di ba?

⭐️ it's okay to feel like you're everywhere. as someone who technically 'moved out' at the age of 18, masasabi kong hindi ko na rin naman talaga alam kung may tahanang inuuwian pa ba ako. "hindi ba maganda nga 'yan," sabi ni Kim as I told her my sentiments regarding this.

sa Bicol naman kasi talaga ako pinanganak. hindi rin naman kami Bulakenya. sa Alabang, halos mahigit ten years pa lang 'yung bahay doon. sa P. Noval naman, doon ko unang naramdaman ang pag-iisa. tumira rin ako sa Boni, isang buwan. sa Padre Faura naman minahal ang pag-iisa. damn, ang dami ko nga kasi talagang inuuwian. and perhaps, baka lang, baka nga, ako naman talaga ang tahanan ko. parang pagong, laging dala ang buong sarili, laging naka-empake sa hulyen kong tote bag na nakaka-trigger ng scoliosis.

⭐️ life is short to not make people feel. ewan ko, pero siguro naging trigger na rin sa'kin 'yung recent death ni mx. c/j. naalala ko si Joy. si Ulap. si Kaylle. at iba pang mga wala na sa buhay ko.

and ever since then, as much as possible, I always try to make people feel how much I love or appreciate their existence in my life. kasi nga 'di ba, "your death doesn't happen to you, it happens to your family and friends" (I always wanna die sometimes, the 1975). kaya siguro, after all, panalangin kong hindi magsisi sa pagmamahal na mayroon ako na piniling ibahagi't ibinabahagi sa iba.

kaya sa'yo, sana napararamdam ko rin na importante ka sa buhay ko. at kung hindi ko man laging nasasabi 'yun, always remember that you're always embedded in my prayers.

(conversation with a friend 2 days ago ata, bwiset naiyak ako sa jeep)

⭐️ grief is nothing, but at the same time, it is everything. it is keeping your dead cat's expired medicine sa fridge, despite him not coming home anymore. it is dull and heavy. it is remembering. but at the same time, it is not remembering.

(an excerpt from a letter sent by moi a year ago via FutureMe)

⭐️ laughing is where we feel the most vulnerable. according to phoebe waller-bridge, "they expose their heart the moment they’re laughing, because they’re relaxed and they’re disarmed." and perhaps, let's say loving may go beyond peeling oranges and shelling pugo eggs. but, what if, loving is merely just the capability or capacity to just laugh with someone. ganoon kasimple.

(with the person who i can always end my sentence or sentiments laughing)

⭐️ you will be saved by the most unexpected people. in the most profound places. by the most serendipitous times. when I think of the times when people just miraculously show up during such DAYS or times when grief interferes on a random Tuesday morning, I can't help but be filled with gratefulness. i guess what I'm trying to point out or ponder on this is that you have no idea that such a simple action can or will serve as a bridge for one person to surpass something inside that resides in them. the world is already cruel (with the systematical oppressions that can be reflected in our day-to-day lives), so choose not to be.

(with the person who saved me and my graduation dress dilemma huhu)

⭐️ may mga taong deserve talaga ng isang malutong na f*ck you. kahit na deserve naman talaga nilang masapak (na fleabag style) or magripuhan dahil sa pananarantado sa buhay mo. pero dahil mabuti kang tao, mas pinili at pinilit ang sarili na mag-settle sa ganitong klaseng closure. after all, si God na nga pala ang nagsulat ng screenplay na 'to.

⭐️ para sa akin, yakap ang paghalik sa puso. (this realization made me research and read more about interpersonal synchronization, what the hell hahaha)

⭐️ our love languages may go beyond the conventional and socially constructed five (love) languages. may mga taong kaya kang ipagbalat ng orange or ponkan. nilagang pugo. ipagbalat ng hipon, or even i-debone 'yung bangus. either ways, nagmamahal tayo sa mga paraang alam natin, sa paraang kaya natin. sa paraang abot at tanaw. ika nga ni Prof. Richard Bolisay, love differs. grounded daw 'yun sa maraming socio-political aspects and contextualized sa estado ng isang tao.

pero question, 'di ba ang hirap mag-debone ng bangus? pwede bang ipag-daing na lang kita using ~bicol~ style?

⭐️ acknowledging your hurt or trauma can take time. and it's okay. growing up, akala ko si Zayn 'yung biggest heartbreak ko. and it took me several years na si Ate pala 'yun—ang biggest heartbreak ko.

on the other hand, it's also okay if you're only realizing an abuse (kung ano mang klase 'yan) only by now. kung kailan naka-usad o ikot na 'yung mundo. kung kailan tapos na, wala na. on the brighter, even brightest side, wala na. tapos na.

according to medifine skin clinic, an average skin cycle is 5-6 weeks. that's why I no longer wear the layers of me that you have once touched and ruined. time has passed. skin has regenerated. hence, i now wear the layers that were finally held tight and in the right way.

⭐️ kapag inantok ako kasama ka, please don't be offended. it's just that my body is comfortable enough to feel sleepy, hence, vulnerable and safe with you. (which is rare) kaya I'm blessed enough to say that the people in my life right now makes me sleepy. jk!

⭐️ the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference. sabi sa'kin ni minty and kuya, both in different times. ang galing lang.

⭐️ "no matter what comes or goes, God stays." mula sa journal ko. galing ata kung naan, or sa isang Sunday service. pero gusto ko sanang dagdagan. since God shows up through His people, or He uses people to show His grace in goodness to us, I'd like to believe that such kind of people also stays :)

⭐️ "despite all our transgressions, we still desire to be loved. we still desire for human connection. no matter how cruel the world may be. so we beg forgiveness to those who may listen. some (people) would even go as far by punishing themselves just to attain the chance to repair the bridge they once broke. and through empathy, we see through their clenched fists the desperation to be wanted once more. no one is born to be evil; most are just born in unfortunate circumstances." (an excerpt from an essay answered by one of my students from my first-handled section) sabi nila, binabago raw ng Teachers 'yung students nila. pero gusto ko sanang dagdagan. kasi para sa akin, binabago rin ako ng students ko. i remember shedding a tear noong nabasa ko 'yan, sobrang akong na-touched. siguro dala na rin na may dinadala ako noong time na 'yun, na sumakto't sumapul sa kalamnan. pero totoo, hindi naman sa pagrarationalize or intellectualize ng actions sa 'tin ng other people, but, it's true. some of us are merely just born into such circumstances na hindi madaling kumawala because in the first place, hindi naman nila ginustong mapunta doon.

tsaka 'yung 'e' ata sa elisha ko ay: empathy. walang hiya.

⭐️ espasyo muna, babalikan ko 'to promise. medyo nakakalunod mag-munimuni sa mga natutuhan at pilit na matutunan netong nakaraang taon eh. (tama ba grammar ko ohmygosh)

⭐️ (cont. 17 july 2024) you create an impact more than you know. i often hear the quote, hurt people hurt people, and just the other day i saw this post of Ate Janna. story s’ya actually, sa minsanang kong paglulurk sa stories ng mga tao sa FaceBook, masaya ako dahil ito pa talaga ‘yung nakita ko. according to her sentiments, healed people heal people. and tracing back to my _th “lesson”, such a simple note nudged my entirety; kasi it’s true. because i once felt it. or saw it.

⭐️ (cont. 27 july 2024) try reading the same book, watching the same film twice. or even thrice. believe it or not, some things, or perhaps, even a lot of things are worth going back to. balikan, in a sense na hindi pinilit balikan. for instance, i have been re-reading Ang Tundo Man May Langit Din ni Andres Cristobal Cruz, and alongside savoring such, pansin kong mas nadagdagan ‘yung highlights at sulat. footnotes and sentiments na pilit inilalagay sa gilid. realizations that i have only met just now; parang taong matagal nang dinadaanan, or kilala, pero ngayon lang nakita nang malapitan. masinsinan. ganoon din ako sa pelikula. or TV series. promise, you’ll learn see more of it. and perhaps, see more life out of it :)

⭐️

palagi,

MICAH.

[maykatha]

babae ang sumasalba,

EXT. TAPAT NG MAIN BUILDING, BENCH - DUSK

[non-verbatim] "do you realize na sa mga pagkakataong we're going through it, babae 'yung nandiyan para sa'tin? ang galing lang. 'yung nangyari 'yun sa'kin, 'yung time na nalaman mo...tapos neto lang, 'yung nangyari sa'yo—buti na lang nandiyan si minty, buti na lang hindi ka mag-isa non, mahal." sabi ni reigee habang kumakain kami ng ice-cream sa tapat ng main building. oo nga, sabi ko sa sarili non. parang may eureka moment eh. na totoo nga, na babae ang sumasalba. ang laging nandoon.

babae ang puso ng humawak sa kamay ko noon habang nilalahad ang katotohanang sumampal sa'kin sa may albertus. babae ang unang napagsabihan ng nangyari sa'kin 6 years ago. babae ang sumalo sa suka't luha sa mcdo p. noval. o sa versus man. or even sa jollibee dapitan. hindi ko na uulitin 'yun, promise. babae ang mga nakakatabi sa concerts na pinipiling puntahan mag-isa. babae ang unang nakapag-bigay ng bouquet. babae ang unang nakasama sa escolta. babae ang unang nag-tattoo sa tagong parte. babae rin ang nag-drawing noon. puso ng babae ang nasa balakang ko. sulat-kamay naman ang nasa braso. babae ang nag-abot ng bayad, ng sukli. babae ang pumulot ng takip ng lipstick sa kapehan. babae ang nagkulay pabalik sa black ng bleached kong bangs—walang gloves, hinayaan na marumihan nang sobra ang mga kamay. babae ang sumalo sa huling klase sa public dahil sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon. babae ang nag-aaya ng paboritong almusal sa mga pagkakataong kinakailangan ng kalinga.

babae pala ang nakapalibot sa'kin. kaya pala binabalot ng kakaibang kung ano na nakakapag paniwala sa'kin na totoong may pagmamahal pa rin na totoo, na tapat, na tama. dahil narito sila, dahil narito pa rin ako.

nagtalik nanaman ang pahina't tinta,

Micah.

[maykatha]

WHAT IS CLOSURE (in theory)

ang palitan at pagsalo ng sinabi, sinasabi

ang tuldok sa pagmumukmok

ang pagsagot sa (lahat ng) mga tanong

ang hindi pagsagot sa mga tanong

ang pagtawa sa pananarantado

ang pagkandado

ang pagkamusta

ang hindi pagkamusta

ang pagputol ng linya

ang pagkonekta ng linya

ang pagbuhol ng linya

ang muling pagputol ng linya

ang pagtawag sa telepono

ang pagsagot nito

ang pagbaba ng tawag nang walang pasabi

ang pagtingin sa mata

ang paglihis sa mata

ang pag ngiti

ang palitan ng ngiti

kaya nang isulat

kaya nang hindi isulat

kaya nang sulatan

kaya nang hindi sulatan

written in 28 june 2023,

[maykatha]

a speck of dust. thats what we are all, arent we? a speck of dust that holds so much. that speaks so little about what really envelopes us. about what really resides in our bodies. we are all just a speck of dust, arent we? but arent we all holds so much, just like any other universe? arent we all just a culmination of thousands of tiny bits of life? a body filled with blood, tears, sweat, love, and lust. kindness, selfishness, goodness, sweet dreams, scary nights, and longing layers? arent we all just a cumulation of highs and lows, hurts and joy, light and ill-lit rooms that doom us. a push of pull of tragedy and trauma, push and pull of such emotions we hardly ever actuate—and if we did, we are slowly consumed by guilt and shame. a speck of dust. ha! a speck of fucking dust. just a speck of dust, and yet we are all begging to be held right and tight. to be loved so dearly that one can hear thy hearts near, it is beating just for me. just for me. just a speck of dust that is mesmerized by the dusk, often amazed by its ever-changing, uncertain beauty. always in awe by it all. a speck of dust that questions the feeling of being collated to such dusk. such dusk that is never the same, ever-evolving, multitude of colors, rises and falls. and yet! still loved. still seen. still felt. still exists in every phase of your life. still exists in every place of you. can you, my little sweet lover, my beloved bastard, see this dust as dusk?

just a speck of dust, no? yes i am just a speck of dust. just all here, all along. all over you, all over you.

—emmanuel.

[maykatha]

22 things I learned at twenty-two (3 months late ver.)

ironically, having no words over a situation best explains what you really feel inside, deep down your depths. having no words says a lot.

just because it feels real, it doesn't make it right. real ≠ right !

the more we try to forget, the more we ponder on the remnants, hence, remembering it all to well—to forget is to remember why you are forgetting such in the first place.

seeing and living the beauty of the mundane in life is a privilege :)

tragedy surfaces the right people in your lifeeee

someone, somebody will hold your hand along the way

may mga taong willing sumalo ng suka (through a McDonald's paper cup...) o luha mo, mga taong willing sumagot ng mga sentimentong pasuko na w/ a non-toxic positive shit ! in short, may kasama ka.

having a good and genuine heart may sometimes lead you to such adversities—bad people and places.

it's okay to let a beautiful thing die.

are small things small? no.

"baka nga may mga bagahe tayo na meant bitbitin habang buhay," (sinulat ni Reigee sa libro ko) and that's completely okay. as long as it keeps me grounded. i guess, okay lang.

there's a thick line between katangahan and pinagmukhang tanga

you can do great things despite your weakness; go on with your life despite the absence and adversity. you can still eat and enjoy your mcdo pancakes w/o having a knife or a known face right in-front of you.

"the world is not only happening to you, but you are (also) happening to the world." (the summer I turned pretty)

walking away is a way of loving

hurting and healing can co-exist

ewan ko how, but we always figure it out ?? :)??

whilst the things that happened to you is way out of your control; what you do out of it is all yours. tangina, gumawa ka ng screenplay!

may hangganan ang lahat :( may hangganan ang lahat :)

"happiness is only real when shared," sabi sa Into The Wild. but for me, happiness is only genuine when shared with YOUR people :)

pag-intindi ≠ pagtanggap

thEIR WRONGS WILL NOT DESTRUCT THE GOODNESS IN ME !!!!!

[maykatha]

a love that is

[a love letter to oneself]

you deserve to be admired and pursued. you deserve to be cooked for and cared of. you deserve to be genuinely look at, and through into your eyes. you deserve to be safe. to feel safe. to be sane. to trust that they are not all just the same. you deserve the love that flows and grows. the love that holds and molds you, and your never-ending becoming. the love that is unexplainable, and yet, you bleed words because and through it. the love that sends you off to sleep sweetly at night, and wake up feeling assured. you deserve nothing but an honest and sincere love. a love that hides no face, no phase. a love that holds you in place. you deserve it. trust that you will receive it.

always,

you.

08 aug 2023

[maykatha]

WHAT IS GRIEVING

ang pag gupit ng buhok in an ungodly hour

ang pag tanggap ng hindi pagkapantay pantay ng ginupit na buhok

ang pagkulay ng buhok

ang paulit-ulit na pagkulay ng buhok

ang dahan-dahang pagpatay dito

ang pag tuklas ng ginhawa sa gawaing ‘to

ang hindi pagsindi sa gin bilog

ang pag hindi sa gin bilog

ang pag hindi sa sinigang with perfect na pritong itlog

ang pag inom ng antihistamine bilang pampatulog

ang hindi pagtulog

ang paghalughog ng mga mensahe

ang paglimot sa pamasahe

ang pag-alala sa mga mensahe

ang paglimot sa mga sinabi

ang tangkang paglimot sa mga sinabi

ang pagka-miss tuwing tanghali

ang nakakalunod na galit sa gabi

ang pagka-miss tuwing umaga

ang sakit na nauuwi sa tulala

ang pagsulat ng tula

ang hindi pagsulat ng tula

ang pag-alala sa noon

ang pag-baon sa noon

ang pag baon sa lupa ng kahapon

ang pag-baon sa kahapon patungong ngayon

ang pag dinig sa boses mong mula sa kawalan

ang pag dinig sa boses ko mula sa nakaraan

ang pagpapatuloy pa ng listahang ‘to,

at ang pag udlot sa listahang ‘to.

[maykatha]

The Tale of a Curtain

who would’ve thought na pagbubuksan kita ng bintana ng buhay kong dati’y puno ng kandado? who would’ve thought na hahayaang kong bukas ‘yun ng isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima, anim na linggo? na hanggang ngayon ay bukas pa rin. baka bukas nalang ding lalagyan ng kurtina. baka bukas o makalawa. baka kapag wala nang pakielam, pakiramdam. kapag wala nang nararamdaman. baka bukas.

hindi ko naman pinapansin nung una. hinahayaan lang. pero dumungaw ka nang walang pasabi. at napatingin na rin ako. nung una mailap pa, pa-iglap iglap. hindi naman kasi kilala. walang balak kilalanin. pero nagpakilala ka, “ako si dan,” may kilala na akong dan, napaka-cliché naman kasi ng dan. cliché pero ‘di kalaunan naging sandalan. tang ina, dan.

hindi ko aakalaing kikiligin ako sa kurtina. na paghuhugutan ko nang malala ang punyetang kurtina. kurtina lang naman ‘to eh. pero totoo rin naman kasing necessity ‘to. sabi mo. totoong kailangan. hindi ko napagtanto na kailangan pala talaga, not until i met you. baka bukas may kurtina na ‘ko. sana bukas may kurtina na ‘ko. para maibsan 'tong buhay ko sa pagbukas para sa mga taong katulad mo.

03 June 2023, 10:34pm

[maykatha]

libreng libro

I couldn’t entirely blame ma’am jean for asking kung may life-changing ba na libro sa libreng pile ko---kasi wala naman talaga, at kasi kahit ako, ay madalas ganun din yung hanap. pero kasi, hindi naman laat kailangan may meaning. hindi naman lahat kailangang naging makabuluhan para mabago yang buhay. there are things, people, places na pampalipas oras lang naman, lang naman talaga. as if they are meant to be that way. waiting sheds. hintayan sa 7/11. ads na hindi ma-skip sa spotify kasi hindi naka-premium. 

[maykatha]

umaga na ulit ulap,

kumusta ka na jan? kumain ka na ba? umiinom ka ba ng malinis ka tubig? naglakad sko kahapon ng umaga, morning walks para iwas mourning. habang naglalakad, ‘di ko mapigilang hindi maiyak. maluha. papunta’t pabalik. kasi umalis ako nang wala ka sa bahay. at alam kong pagbalik ay wala ka. wala ka pa rin. habang naglalakad ako sa may kalsada, may nakita akong pusa. akala ko nung una tulog lang. patay pala sha. tinabi lang sha sa kalye. matigas na. pero parang tulog. naiyak ako nun. naawa. walang hiya. pano kung ganun pala yung nangyari say’o, ulap ko? paano kung tinabi ka lang din sa kalsada’t iniwan? 

[maykatha]

umaga na ulit, ulap

simula nung nawala ka, lagi akont may takot na mahulog sa pagkatulog dahil sa posibilidad na salubungin ang umagang wala ka pa rin. wala ka pa rin. simula noon, pinaka ayoko na yata ang matulog dahil indication yon na isang araw nanaman ang lumipas na wala ka. mag-iisang buwan na. paano ko kinakaya?