mayurisleftnut

[mayurisleftnut]

warning for: deadnaming/misgendering , also mention of some local murders (maybe hatecrimes) and just. general downer of a rant/vent

fun new concern: have started getting pinned as male enough that i'm getting he/himmed by workingman joe randos, which is great! but my parents keep deadnaming and misgendering - even in public - and it occured to me that clueless transphobes are gonna assume that means i'm a guy trying to be a woman

it's happened to me a few times, once before i was even on T. but i've been dressing pretty masculine lately unless i'm somewhere i feel moderately safe, so it's been a... kinda terrifying at times when i'm getting sir'd by a guy with a thin blue line flag on his shirt or whatever.. but i've stayed under the radar. But! none of that matters if I have two people next to me loudly and repeatedly referring to me in the feminine. Like i actually shaved off my mustache the other night bc I'd agreed to go to dinner at this fucking. seafood place they love. for my mom's birthday. and it's always full of old, conservative-looking people who uhhhh like... no, i'm not worried about getting into a physical altercation at the Billybobs Seafood Shack, i'm worried about someone sneaking a picture of me and posting it to their FB hategroup or some shit

If that sounds paranoid: a very 'cornerstone of the community' out and proud, married gay couple was murdered here a few months ago (not the one where the neighbor was the murderer, this is smth you can find in Buffalo NY if you care to look it up), like it shook the community to its core when it happened... and that was after the city's oldest gay bar burned down earlier in the year. ofc neither incident was dubbed a hate crime but um. obviously there are some doubts. and all i'm saying is i wish my parents would stfu with the woman shit:/

we already had a talk about it a while back, and 'we're trying our best' is what they said. so like cool... that's great and all.. but i don't want to be murdered, and you are putting a neon MURDER ME arrow over my head while trying to tell me 'we're always here for you'. and it doesn't matter if i repeat myself. and telling them i fear for my safety is just gonna make my mom say some realllly shitty, ugly things (ohhhhh you're FINE, the gay... whatevers... have it GREAT nowadays!!!! and will you STOP exaggerating about Trump, why is everyone so dramatic!!!!) like it will not help

ugh

[mayurisleftnut]

i was like 'it must be in reverse'😭

[mayurisleftnut]

why are sex toys so expensive; not as in 'i don't understand the cost of labor and materials' but in 'health insurance should be paying for this, especially for ppl who can't get off without one due to disability, injury, or whatever fn reason (me it ME bc my wrists are so fucked up)'

fyi this isn't even a remotely sexy discussion below, just am talking about toys and cost and fuctionality (or lack thereof) but um. have a readmore just for funsies

anyway just was looking at a tiny little packer that has like. a hole in it? that you're supposed to fuck, i guess? not a vibrator just a hole in a piece of silicone?? for 50usd and i'm talking about it like it sucks (i can guarantee you no sucking is happening without a machine of any kind in that thang) but i don't even know! maybe it's the best sex toy known to (trans)man and everyone has one except me bc like. it's so revered in this community i keep failing to be a part of. so uhhhh maybe, is all i'm saying

but i'll never fucking find out. not EVER. bc theres no way in hell i'm paying 50usd for a. goddamn hole:/ so uhhhhh guess i'll just keep using this goddamn... slightly frustrating vibrator with a too-small hole that does actually suck if you can fit your dick in it which. i cannot (ngl i think it's for regs, non HRT clits) also it's a Rose shape which is a very stupid design for something you can't fully submerge. like yes let's put lots of petals on this, soooo many crevasses that are hard to scrub out, which is guaranteed to be the FIRST thing a guy wants to do after an orgasm

so yes the US government will surely recognize their mistake and make an amendment. .. ... ..........whoops i just made myself mad:/ *sits here for like ten minutes* anyway death note isn't an inherantly evil tool, light yagami was just the shitass son of a cop

[mayurisleftnut]

Stuffed toys are fine and good until yr partner is fucking yr brains out on yr bed and the headboard starts shaking and yr stuffed toy collection starts falling down and landing on them. Like yes, yes that is Simba from the Lion King. Yes it does look like he's staring at you no matter the angle, pretty creepy ig. Are we gonna keep going or... shit there goes Flipper🤦‍♂️🐬

[mayurisleftnut]

Heehehehhooo I took some lewds for grindr album today, camera was aimed too high here lol. But I like the pose:3

[mayurisleftnut]

Jsbwhdhdhe chatted with someone I met on grindr for a long while last night - they showed me some pics of themselves shirtless but no lewds- and alllll this time until like right now?? I thought they were transmasc???? But I finally said okay to lewds (even tho I expressed I wasn't rly interested, they asked again and I was like 🤷‍♂️ okay sure ig?? Why not??) And that was definitely a um. A Peanis

So anyway trans radar isn't real and I'm the proof:D also wild I was able to talk back and forth for so long without either of us figuring out I was wrong about their whole ass.. anatomy. Oh and I'm fine with dick pics btw, like I wasn't offended by Peanis jumpscare or anything just. am feeling quite stupid

[mayurisleftnut]

New business idea: give me money to scrape your pipe:) be it weed, tobacco or some other, less reputable substance, I am soooooo fucking good at getting it outta there for you to maybe even smoke again (dont. Plz dont do that with tobacco). Just please sign this disclaimer that you'll pay in advance and. you won't get mad if I break your pipe 😬👉👈 cuz really, that's on uou for buying a shitty pipe and I will NOT!!! be guilt tripped!!!!

I also might smoke it depending on what u got in there and um. That's also not my fault😬👉👈 like it's kinda what you get for giving someone who's good at pipe scraping free reign over your pipe:/ Like what, did u think I practiced on fake pipes at pipe cleaning school. Do you think I have a little diploma hanging up in my bedroom. Bitch

[mayurisleftnut]

weeee it me i'm so masc *notices stuffed animal hanging off headboard* GODDAMNIT no just. look it is filled with rocks so i can kill a man with it if i choose

*pulls out a cig and lights it* that 'stuffed animal' is the last thing you'll ever see

[mayurisleftnut]

Yippee hurray it's T shot day🎉💉💯💪

[mayurisleftnut]

The ambivalence of dreaded dentist appt coming up - anxious bc it is a dentist appt and I've never had a crown before, I heard it's not the worst thing in the world but also am just assuming it'll come with some drilling/sanding of tooth

But also excited??? Weirdly??? Bc someone gave me a few adavan to help me not fucking. explode into giblets with panic. and I've been holding onto them for over a Month. And this is me we're talking about, im the human equivalent of one of those tiny dogs that's all bug eyed and eternally shivering, like the self control it took to not Immediately put them in my mouth was um. *compulsively looks down at my wrist where there hasnt been a watch for at least 20 years* They should be delivering my Special Lil Guy trophy any minute

[mayurisleftnut]

On the upside, I got my tubes tied bilateral salpingectomy.. there's no accurate short-form way to say it and it's so frustrating.i got sterilized:)

And I had zero precautions sex w my partner the other day - they came in me and everything- and holy shit the absence of DIRE and immediate panic over pregnancy was so nice. I actually came too, which is pretty rare these days during the actual Fucking part (hrt reasons.. less feeling in that area) so was a pretty good way to ring in a uhhh. A new and hopefully.. at least somewhat slutty chapter in my life:p

[mayurisleftnut]

Pretty sure that ADHD dx was false (they said I don't have it) cuz like. I occasionally take Adderall with this one friend of mine who most definitely DOES have ADHD - they just don't have a script bc of a long and irrelevant story- and we act fucking identical on it. Like we both just kinda zone out and work on art projects. I don't even miss sleep on the shit - like it does wake me up at first?? But I'm out no matter what if I'm tired enough. Well, it might be due to the BATSHIT exhaustion levels I've been enduring lately thx to sleep apnea.. ugh anyway im just sick of being tired and distracted and Did You Knkw I slept from 10:30am yesterday to 8:00am today???? Without prior lack of sleep - like all I fucking DO is sleep - and ABSOLUTELY I had obligations BOTH DAYS that I missed, including an entire shift of work!!! Like I've already told my boss what the issue is, but it falls flat bc his wife (and also. she's my. other boss bc theyre both owners) also has sleep apnea. Apparently. But she Never oversleeps and she is perfectly fine every single day and never misses a shift and it's like. Okay welll if that s the case, maybe you don't have it the same way I do??? Like maybe just maybe I DO need a cpap and a dx and all that shit u do just fine without, and maybe suggesting I DONT need it is overstepping and downplaying and being a stupid fuckint bitch

I just wish I could look down someday while I'm walking and find a huge bottle of Adderall and also a brand new, still-in-box cpap. Then maybe I'll start feeling on par with how a normal human is supposed to feel and not like some near-death, BONE-tired zombie

[mayurisleftnut]

Being on testosterone is wonderful and great but got fucking DAMM I am so fuckign greasy

Yknow those like.. sexy wrestling matches where they put you in a lil swimmy pool full of oil? Just put two tboys in there. No oil needed fr

[mayurisleftnut]

The constant risk of falling asleep for an ABSURDLY long time whenever I fucking sit down is the shittiest problem to be adding to the pile at this point in my life

Like I was supposed to do SO much shit this afternoon because guess what? I keep sleeping through important time slots when I normally do chores and shit! And they're piled the fuck up! And wanna know what I did the SECOND I got home from work? And no, alarms don't help, believe me

Like yesterday I had some semblance of a normal evening bc I only passed out for 3hrs as opposed to this fucking... 8 to 18hr bullshit. But apparently that was the exception not the norm

[mayurisleftnut]

Sleeping on side hasn't helped yet (to the best of my knowledge) but then again, it's only been a few days. And yknow when you go from 'awful and super shitty' to 'still awful but slightly less shitty', sometimes it's hard to appreciate or even notice the difference

Like I've been sleeping so much it's even affected me physically - I still have some muscle tone from my job but I otherwise look like someone who's spent the majority of the winter completely inert. Like 'the norm' has been at minimum 8, max 14-18hrs daily completely fucking conked out, interspersed with these equally unhealthy 'IM STAYING THE FUCK AWAKE CUZ I CNT STAND THIS SHIT' all nighters and uhhhh yup. Pretty fucking sick of it

My bff (who is a nurse as I've mentioned) stayed over last night and um. They said I have sleep apnea🤦‍♂️

That sucks - I do NOT want to sleep with a cpap machine - but jfc it explains a lot. The 'always sooooooooo fucking tired' the 'I slept for 14 hours and I'm STILL so fucking tired' the uh. Did I say I'm tired

So I'm gonna make it a point to start sleeping on my side, see if that helps (im a weird.. corpse person.. like I don't move at ALL once I fall asleep.. so I'll stay in whatever position lol) and if it doesn't? Guess I gotta get another script for a sleep study so I can get a dx:/ and subject myself to cpap:////

[mayurisleftnut]

Oh btw this is all complete bullshit bc I was uninformed

I'm supposed to be drawing up ONE dose per vial, not two!!!! And 'tossing' the rest!!! I already made a long and super pissy rant about it over on my main, so won't reiterate. cuz I don't feel like it. But yah, could've been saving a TON this whole time rather than carefully scraping up every last drop just to get what I need

Clinics are so much fun when the staff is underpaid and overworked:) like this should've been told to me AGES ago, and I only found out when i did due to a complete coincidence:p

The most frustrating thing about my T injections is the fact that the vials contain the EXACT amount needed for my dosages and not a single drop more. And between the big needle I use to draw it up (like no matter what I do, there's some left in the needle, which gets disposed of) and the vial itself being a bit tricky to get every last bit out, I wind up with an ever-so-slightly smaller dose than I'm supposed to be getting. (It's one in 4 doses this happens, since that's how much the pharmacy provides each time)

I keep the old vials - if I save them long enough, I get an actual .5 ml once in a blue moon - but it takes me like 30 min of squinting and painstakingly fishing around each and every one for the teeeeeeny tiny leftover bits. And uhhhh idk, I just wish I could have my correct dose every time??? Like goddamn I know it's a controlled substance but wtf do u think I'm gonna do with like.. .1 ml extra smh

[mayurisleftnut]

"You'll ruin your feminine figure" "Bottom growth is icky and scary" "There Will Be Hair!!! On your ass!!!!!" Nope all wrong, only valid testosterone downside is losing all my fucking FLANNEL SHIRTS because my gotdamn fucking HUGE HIMBO ARMS are starting to outgrow the sleeves

Like. Almost a full rainbow of shirts, painstakingly sifted out from so many thriftshops over the years😭 Do I wear them all? No! Would I theoretically wear them all if the arms still fit tho, THATS the goddamn question>:(

(I am legit a tiny bit upset but I'm. this is fake outrage. For the lols or whatever. I'm actually Quite Pleased about the huge himbo arms)