mcchiefin

[mcchiefin]

I was in fourth Grade, Cecilia was her name, Cici for short. She was my best friend. In my eyes she was the coolest person to walk this earth. In a time when my life was so censored she was my gatekeeper to everything cool. She would let me wear her Adidas track jacket when we walked home from school, she showed me the backstreet boys, she showed me Selena, can you believe that? I was introduced to pop culture by her, but it was beyond that. Her family welcomed me into their home, I was never allowed to bring anyone over to my home. She would invite me to dinner, and I even helped her make cornbread, it was her daily dish she would make for dinner. Cici made the corn bread and a big pitcher of iced tea, her sister would make what I thought was spinach, her mom made chicken and when their dad got home everything would be ready and they would eat as a family. Dinner at my house was my mom and step dad arguing in the kitchen my little brother in his high chair and me alone at the table eating something I didn’t like but was forced to eat. Dinner at my house was me shoving as much food as I could in my mouth pretending to eat it, running to the bathroom to spit it out. I would only eat at school but no one noticed…. I was just a picky eater according to my mom. I wanted to be like her, I saw a healthy loving family and I wanted to be part of it. She was the only person who didn’t make fun of me for wearing huge glasses, or for wearing old clothes, she didn’t say anything about me having a super religious mom or for having a super strict dad. She never once made fun of anything I wore or liked. She never questioned anything about me,  for the first time in my life I felt that someone accepted me. I wonder if her parents ever saw anything off with me, anything that wasn’t “right”. 

[mcchiefin]

The Millennial

Date of birth 1990

What a time to be alive right? I mean I was just a kid but “Ahh! Real monsters” man I loved waking up early Saturday mornings to watch tv. My stepdad was stingy lol we didn’t have cable. Our “eating out” was getting McDonalds but that was when the cheeseburgers were like 39 cents on Tuesdays or some shit like that. He was the only who got to order what he wanted, 2 BigMacs fries and Coke was what I remember him ordering. My mom and I would get 1 cheeseburger each. I guess the feeling of being “less than” started to feel more real, before he married my mom he loved me or so I thought. He would be affectionate and caring towards me. Once my brother was born everything changed, I was put aside and everything that went wrong was my fault. I remember he made me eat eggo blue berry waffles one time. I don’t know what was wrong with them but after eating them I had to take the trash out, we lived in apartments and the way they were set up I had to walk about a block or so of apartments, then go trough and underground parking, go up stairs across the nicer apartments go out to the street and walk about another block to the trash….by the dumpster I felt sick and I threw them up, not on purpose but because of that I took too long taking out the trash, when I told him what happened he made me show him where I threw up, and since I threw up on the ground and not nicely in the dumpster it was an even bigger problem and so I got my ears pulled I got spanked scolded and grounded. I hate blueberry waffles. This post wasn’t supposed to be able the waffles or my stepdad, but about the 90’s an era of unforgettable fashion, both wonderful and embarrassing. I didn’t have the privilege of growing up fashionable, to this day I feel as if I struggle with dressing myself. I feel as if I’ve been given another chance to relive all the things I couldn’t but wanted to. I’m now a grown ass woman with the financial liberty to dress how I want to and do what I want to. This is a new era for me, from this moment I will enjoy everything life has to offer. I have a closet full of beautiful heels, bags, dresses that I purchased in hopes to wear them and I never have, my self confidence has always stood in the way. I have always second guessed my clothing choices with the mentality of others thinking it’s too much, and 90% of the time I end up under dressing myself in order to fit an image of blandness. I’ve always been scared to be noticed even though deep down I’ve always wanted to be something.

[mcchiefin]

2 days away🍑

It’s really happening. I don’t think the reality has set in yet

As many other women, I am a victim of the y2k low rise jean trend that resulted in love handles….add in some hip dips, some stretch marks, a mommy pouch and there ya have it…on a short torso 5’2 female with no curves left at 31. I deserve this surgery, I want to look at myself in the mirror and dress in clothes that make me feel good. I don’t want to settle for “accepting” my body how it is. If I have the ability to change something I dislike about my body, and no matter what I’m gonna come out looking better than how I went in….

I changed my lips💋, it wasn’t an insecurity, but oh how I’ve wanted this for so long!

I was scared to get them done because of unsolicited opinions. I don’t ever want to hold myself back like that again. Since I got fillers I have not regretted them. I was expecting the swelling, I was expecting the bruising and lumps. The moment I got them, something in me changed. I began to look at myself in a completely different way, I started to feel pretty with no filter, I started to feel pretty with no makeup! 

A few months ago I was pretty disciplined with myself, I was working out I was eating very healthy. I felt amazing I really did, but you know what? I still didn’t like what I saw. I want a soft curvy feminine figure. My ass looked good, but I had no hips, yet my hip dips were deeper and I still had my love handles. Words from my past came back circa 2006 “si te bajaras esto” *pointing to love handles and then down to my hip dips* “para aca, estuvieras buena, pero pues no” lol coming from a short over weight guy with bad skin and a weird nose G-d what was I thinking?! lol. I know it seems like I’m stuck in the past or like I can’t get over things or I’m doing this for the wrong reasons… but I’m giving that old me power. I have the power to change my self physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m doing the work, my journey just involves some outer work done by a professional. 

[mcchiefin]

💭…I’m a magnet

everything that i want just magnetizes towards me. i attract the best things i want to experience every moment because it is literally part of my nature. there is never any doubt that circumstances are moving out the way for my opportunities to be in my life. i am THAT powerful!

[mcchiefin]

I fuck like a pornstar.....I try at least. I once told someone that I wanted to be a pornstar…. And it was true. I’m sure my daddy issues played a big role. I know it’s not as glamorous as it seems, I read Jenna Jamesons book lol. But even just for my husband. I love doing my makeup and hair and getting all dressed up in a slutty outfit and stripper heels. I don’t know why but it turns me on. I close my eyes and imagine MYSELF as one of the beautiful actresses with a perfect body. As gross as it may seem to some, I know a few people will understand. 

No one ever talked to me about sex, no one told me what to expect or even how to be careful. As far back as I can remember I’ve masturbated secretly (that I’m aware of) I’m not 100% sure if I was abused at a young age but it wouldn’t surprise me. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 and I would sleep in a nightgown, I clearly remember it being white with a small pink bow on the collar. I would pretend I was older and that it was lingerie and that men would visit me, one after another. I have no idea why. Did I live in a whorehouse in a past life?

I remember the moment I lost my virginity, I was 16, I remember I was so embarrassed, I was worried I wasn’t doing it right, I was worried I smelled sweaty, I was worried that he wouldn’t like it. He complained…. He said I was too tight and that I felt uncomfortable for him….. just like that a new insecurity. Which later he said I wasn’t a virgin because I didn’t bleed. I felt like my vagina was broken, what the fuck was wrong with it? Was I that bad? I was with him until I turned 18. I lived with him and his parents for most of the relationship. I was a kid, I know. I wasn’t enough. Many times I would find messages to other girls, I’m talking about myspace era lol Nextel era!! Girls were constantly blowing up his phone *trt* *trt* what hurt me the most was that he would go in a room to “do homework” he would watch porn and jack off…. Somehow the fact that he rather jack off to porn instead of fucking me upset me or maybe it was the fact that he would deny it even after me cleaning up his dirty tissues and seeing his browser history. I mean it’s not like we weren’t having sex you know? We were still fucking every night, and we watched porn together on top of that! I understand that whatever it was, I can’t assume. 

I’ve always wanted to be a pretty girl, you know like an “it” girl. I went through a very physically ugly stage when I was about 10-13/14 I saw how ugly I was, how weirdly shaped my body was. I had really crooked teeth and had braces, I wore thick ugly glasses and had a bad haircut. My mom would constantly tell me how over weight I was. I remember sending this boy a note telling I liked him, he wrote one back telling me “you���re not ugly, you’re hideous”. I still see myself as that ugly girl, I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to be confident with my sexuality. I want to unleash this goddess I have within, and I will.

On 3/3/22 I will no longer be an ugly girl, on 3/3/22 I will be reborn again as Shalom a bad ass bitch

[mcchiefin]

Delayed, NOT denied….

I was just scrolling through Facebook and saw someone post “delayed not denied” and it made me think…. So many times I’ve given up on what I want just because I didn’t see results right away.

About 5 years ago after my 3rd child, I had put a deposit down and booked a mommy makeover type surgery…. It didn’t happen…. I now understand that it was delayed, not denied.

Since that time I got divorced, met some incredible people working an amazing yet shitty job, remarried and had 2 more children. It might not have been the life I dreamed of but it was the life destined for me and it’s mine❤️

In 8 days I will be undergoing what I consider to be the most life changing surgery of my life. I always see influencers on Instagram and think to myself how lucky they are, how amazing it would be to live a life like theirs. I thought to myself this morning ✨2/22/22✨why not me? I’m going to be blogging my journey anyways. why not now? It’s the perfect time, I’m a housewife and spend my time unconventionally. I choose now as the moment to turn my life into what I want it to be.

It’s not a new want, it’s a new belief, the belief that I deserve the life I want. My dream life was delayed, not denied😏

[mcchiefin]

Who am I?

To be completely honest I don’t know. I’m a wife and mother of 5. I’m a daughter, I’m a sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, aunt, acquaintance. I’ve been labeled so many things but who am I really? What are my true likes and dislikes? I’m beginning to see for myself.

Growing up in a single parent household meant money was tight..... that and my mother was suffering also suffering from mental illness which she in a way ‘masked” with alcoholism..... she always has but I believe enemy teen years her struggles were at their peak.

I like weed, it makes me feel comfortable with myself. I struggle with a lot of insecurities, from my appearance to the way I think. I second guess my own thoughts, and sometimes it feels like there's two people in my head, they’re complete opposites, and always have to have a say in what I think. When I smoke, it’s just one voice, the other one shuts up or goes away, I’m not quite sure but I enjoy that better. I feel at peace, and comfortable, I forget about opinions.

There's so many things I feel ashamed for liking, and it’s not taboo things like fetishes or anything like that, it’s super basic things like Shakira for example *lol* *lbvs* So growing up my stepdad told me how my mom hated Shakira....Idk why he told me and can’t remember why it even came up..... then a few years later I recall my mom complaining about her voice and just her in general. So I started to “dislike” Shakira, and what I mean by that is that I secretly liked her music....every time her music came on the radio my mom mad a negative comment..... I started doing the same. I remember even leaving a rude comment on my cousins profile picture because she had put Shakira lyrics....I was ridiculous right? I know, but good thing that’s not who I am anymore. Anyways my point is that criticism towards things I liked was extremely common... if it wasn't under my moms likes, I wasn't allowed to like it, music, clothing, toys....So now as an adult it’s like I’m discovering things for the first time, and in doing so I’m finding out exactly who I am <3

Shakira is a fucking vibe, from her appearance to her talents and character. *fire emoji*