mcrachel

[mcrachel]

Expecting the unexpected!

You’d like to think this was easy- or romantic, or the stuff nice movies were made of but in reality it wasn’tall that glamorous. She really wanted something like this for ages. Ever since they separated, Rachel found herself imagining a situation like this, with him. Did that make her a bad person? Perhaps a bad girlfriend to Jamie? Maybe. And it most definitely made her feel guilty on top of it but somehow she just couldn’t stop. Truth be told, when she gave birth to her first son, she found herself think about the ‘wrong’ man, even during labour. No one knew that, of course. Not her parents nor her significant other. It was all on her, and .. the fact that she screamed and cried in pain during it was probably the best way to conceal not only the pains of bringing a new human into this world, but the frustration inside her, too. No one questioned her tears, or why she made any of those frustrated noises then.

If it wasn’t for Ryan suddenly shifting, movingher and then placing his head on her lap to listen to the baby inside of her, she would’ve said something but alas, Rachel remained silent now; observing.. sort of staring at the man so close to her. He admired something that wasn’t up to him, nor his doing. A live he’d probably be willing to take care of, even if he wasn’t the one responsible for it. He was a family man. A father of two girls and .. partner to Eva. If either of those three would only know where he was right now and what he did, they’d hate him, didn’t they? They’d also, most likely, make plans to kill Rachel- or so she thought. /Beautiful../ his words echoed inside her head; lips moving silently to form that very word Ryan just said. Running away, mh? Like that was a good idea, or would ever work. Her heart began to race at the thought and what else that would mean. So much to change, explain, build anew. What if everyone started ating them? If their own kids were to resent them? Would he be alright? Would she be? ... would he start to hate her eventually, because she didn’t stop him from any of it? A silent whimper left Rachels throat. She was unaware of it but let herself lay back on the bed then with another, more audible exhale.

If they were to do any of this, they’d have to do it now. No more going home, not even saying goodbye!? Her mind went to the Son she had with Jamie and, of course, Jamie himself. He often brought up how she seemed to be away- how her thoughts weren’t really there. As if she was hardly ever present. And you know what? Jamie was right. Rachels thoughts often wandered; daydreaming at its best. To Ryan. To a life she didn’t have any longer and all the possible what-if’s. Then Ryan made this La La Land movie and the news were full of him and Emma, and what kind of friendship they had. She always wished they would’ve at least kept that going. A friendship.. but both knew that would’ve been too painful. “If...” she finally started, trying hard not to sound whiny or insecure; but her hands were shaking as she brought one forward to gently run her fingers through his hair.  “.. if we do that.. - how should we do that? We have a lot to lose.” - but everything to win, she thought.

[mcrachel]

Do we go back to the future?

How could a woman— no, a person!- ever be angry if they were held in someones arms like that? Let alone the man they loved more than words could tell?  Exactly: they can’t. She couldn’t. No matter how upset Rachel was and how much she wanted to continue hitting Ryan, the moment he shifted closer and brought his arms around her, all that anger faded. If she’d ever even dare to agree to his proposal, all hell would break loose. For the both of them. And not only that! No. Their current partners as well as their children would get royally screwed in the process.  Great! Fun, for the whole family! (Not).

“Do you even hear yourself... ?” She remained quiet; barely above a whisper, while moving her own body closer until she was able to lay her head onto his chest. All Rachel wanted was to listen to his heartbeat and concentrate on that. Solely. Just for a while. A few minutes. They were in this big and fancy hotel penthouse; had some cake a second ago and a nice walk beforehand.  There was no real reason to be sad or resentful towards a man she hasn’t seen in years. A decade, really. Right? With those thoughts in mind, Rachels fingertips started to explore down Ryans button-up shirt. He always dressed well and she felt like a tramp in comparison. Without moving her head, her eyes wandered down her own frame, quickly spying her pregnant and pointing-forward middle area. She couldn’t even really lay too close to him; afraid he’d be disgusted if she’d touch him with it. Because it wasn’t his child. It had nothing to do with him and it sure as hell made her feel like an elephant. The next few minutes were spent in silence. No one said a thing, and the only sound filling the room was the silent sobs coming from her which, in the end, quietted down as well. 

She could fall asleep like that, to be honest. Laying there, in his arms, whilst trying to keep any other thoughts away or at bay. Nothing was ever that simple though and they both knew the silence would have to be broken. Might as well be her then! “Are you.. serious about this?”  Heck, she might give birth tomorrow. He couldn’t be. Could he? Rachel eventually propped herself up on one elbow, enabling herself to somehow face Ryan from that position as she was still laying right next to him (on her side now). She pointed at herself then, making sure he had a good look at her mid-section. “Look at this. Really, Ryan. Look closely and tell me you’re serious because this ... - this is no game.”  What about her child? She didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl yet; told the gynecologist she’d like to be surprised this time, and Jamie agreed. If they were to run, the press would hear about that as well, just like everybody else. Their partners would hate them. Their kids, too.. - and he loved his daughters. Was that really a risk he was willing to take? Was she? With her son? The one person she tried so hard to protect and keep out of trouble as well as the public eye? Rachel sighed, averting her eyes to pinch the inner corners of them with thumb and pointer of her free hand. 

“One day you’re talking about Eva being your everything and that you couldn’t have done anything without her, and the next you plan on leaving said woman behind- as well as your daughters, to... be with an old ex-lover of yours?” Damn, way to put yourself into a bad light, really. She hated this. Not being with him, but the fact that she sort of brought herself into the worst spot possible, just to try and see if he wore pink glasses.  And you know what? To make it even more apparent, Rachel shifted, used all her power to heave herself onto Ryan, forcing her legs apart to straddle his lap and then just stared down at him. Exposed. Pregnant.  Her hands wandered to his chest first, so she could support her own weight on his frame. One more second, then she reached for his two hands, placing his palms flat on her stomach with an expression that was either absolute sorrow, worry, or just fear. “..... are you serious... ?”

[mcrachel]

Rachel McAdams - Mark Seliger’s Portraits From the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party

[mcrachel]

Met Gala 2016 Rachel McAdams in Valentino

[mcrachel]

Do we go back to the future?

You know... ? Most of what Ryan said was one of those things perfect guys said, in perfect romance movies for the perfect ending. The sort of stuff you’d hope to hear for a happy-ever-after. Which made it all the harder for Rachel to keep a clear head and try follow his sentences.  Her lips parted here and there as if she was to protest, but no words left them. Instead, she folded her hands back on her lap after he rose to his feet, turning his back towards her. Was he... crying? Judging by his voice, the answer was: yes. Ever so slightly, but still. Why exactly that happened was beyond Rachel. If anything, it made her... angry? Upset, to say the least. Not because she had no empathy- she did!- but because he was here, obviously sad to the point of tears and randomly asking if she’d want to run away with him. 9 months pregnant.  They both had children at home, for crying out loud.  ... and maybe she wasn’t even mad about that per say, but more so the fact that her initial feeling was to say ‘yes’ right away. Who on earth did they think they were? To leave family behind on a whim? To let their children grow up without their respective parents, just because they suddenly decided to be selfish? Rachel didn’t even notice how her eyes wettened; stare focused onto Ryans back, still.

“You can’t be serious..” she’d eventually say, trying to go up but failing. Being pregnant sometimes meant you couldn’t lean forward and as a result, she simply slumped back onto the couch. A defeated sound leaving her throat. Maybe he didn’t even hear her? He most probably did not, given that he moved to seat himself on the close-by bed and all she could do was continue to stare and watch his every move. His body language; the way his hands moved to cover his face and the overall saddened expression on his face. Rachel once again tried to heave herself up- and forward, actually managing to get onto her feet. It took her but another minute to come closer towards Ryan and while she did, her facial features grew more stern. “You’d do that? Now? Leave your daughters and Eva behind?”  And not only that: he asked her to do the same. Like he suddenly grew tired of Eva and his usual life.  Like he wanted something new. Fresh. And if that’s the case, who’s to say he wouldn’t leave her behind in a few years as well, like he did once before? That was precisely what had her so worked up and once Rachel was right in front of him, their knees practically touching, she waited for him to lift his head enough to look at her face. The moment he did, she slapped him. Hard, with one of her palms. The sound that occured made it clear that it must’ve hurt. Her hand did; that’s for sure. 

“ — so that you can leave me behind like Eva eventually? Like you did before? Do you even hear yourself?” It was so great, really. All she wanted was to see him and honestly? Rachel longed to be with Ryan. To live life with him; to know she’d get to see his face on a daily basis and.. yes, she would run away with him but to what avail?  To be left alone when he had enough? To be the one he’d leave behind once he grew tired and ran back to Eva? Was that really what she should be saying yes to? Just like the first slap, a second one followed- this time on his other cheek.

Maybe now, after all those years, the anger had finally grown to a point where she couldn’t hold back anymore. He never called. He didn’t even say Hi, most of her birthdays. Nothing. Nada. She had to hear that he became a father -twice!- through newspapers and magazines and rumors from common friends.  “You told me nothing!!!” she hit him again. And again. Each strike growing weaker until all Rachel did was sort-of push him a little with every touch, clearly exhausted. She was a little hysterical, to be frank, talking nonsense and out-of-context just to get it all out there.  “You could’ve called me at least, or ask how I was!!” Her voice was broken, barely holding it together. It was shaky, and her eyes remained wet. Deep down she knew he didn’t do any of it because he would’ve come back to her in an instant. How was he supposed to move on if he couldn’t let go off of her? But that didn’t matter. When you’re angry, nothing but your own truth and your own reasoning matters- most of the time anyway. “BUT YOU DIDN’T!” And that was said way louder than the rest. Like some sort of accusation. Perhaps it was the stress, or her inner turmoil but one second later Rachel swiftly moved a hand onto her own stomach, voicing a silent “Ouch...” as her baby started kicking. “Damn it.” She’d curse, turning on her heels to slump down onto the bed, right next to Ryan.. sobbing silently into her other hand (to conceal her face). She wanted to apologize and felt it was only appropriate. And then? Then she wanted to say yes to his proposal but instead she did nothing and just sat there, taking the moment in. Before she’d do anything else, Rachel wanted his response..

[mcrachel]

The Vow - 2012.

[mcrachel]

Rachel McAdams como Sacha Pfeiffer no filme Spotlight (2015) | Rachel McAdams as Sacha Pfeiffer on Spotlight  (2015)

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

Clearly: the cheesecake had to wait.

Not only was he catching up to her rather quickly, but Ryan also ended up embracing Rachel. Something she hoped would happen but didn't quite see coming just then. When he did, her head fell forward in slight defeat; her cheek resting on his chest. He tightened that embrace at the right time and in the best of ways, causing her eyelids to fall down. The moment itself was probably brief, but to Rachel it felt like a needed eternity.

The good kind. 

"Mh-hm.." She didn't even hear his question, simply agreeing to whatever he might've just said. It was only after he started pulling her along and the hold he had on her loosened that her eyes fell upward and took note of the 'Hotel' sign. Much like before, the small woman remained in a daze of sorts, following silently and only nodding every now and then, when it was needed. She did manage to convey a smile through her eyes, towards the receptionist but that was really as much as she could muster. At least until Ryan once again stopped in the middle of the lobby, questioning whether or not she was truly okay with all of this.

Was she? Could she be? Really?

Rachel was 9 months pregnant and her due date was, funnily enough, in two days or so. Who kept count anyway!!? Any normal person would tell her to lay down and rest, or just be at home and spend time with her partner whilst packing a hospital bag. But alas here she was. Standing in the grand lobby of an expensive hotel, holding hands with a man from the past. The one man she loved more than anything then, and did still. She'd never say it out loud- not there, anywhere, but it was a simple truth Rachel always knew to be true.

"I ... " her voice cracked, causing her to pause for a second so she could inhale a shaky breath and let her gaze flit between Ryans eyes. Beautiful. And just like that, he kissed her hand in the most gentle way she could've ever dreamt of. Ryan Gosling. A charmer and lady's man, through and through. He wasn't faking this though. Rachel knew as much. He was genuine and judging by the smile on his face, he was ... free. Right now. With her. Free to be himself, with no obligations or pressure behind any of his actions. That alone was reason for her to smile in response to his action and surely enough, the two of them ventured towards their designated penthouse while her mind kept racing.

Why did he say he'd handle it if there were any issues? She was more than capable of taking care of her own life but as per usual, Ryan wanted to take every worry off of her shoulders and she knew he'd do whatever it takes to make sure she was fine. Did he often think about her, during the years? Did he wonder if she was feeling alright? Physically and mentally? Did he, perhaps, ever look at Eva while she was pregnant and envision what it would be like if it was her instead? Why on earth did Rachel even have thoughts like that?! Why.. !?

Thankfully his last sentence grounded her a little more. -an ex girlfriend of mine I still care very deeply for, he said. She would've rolled her eyes but held back and instead just nodded once again. No big deal, right? She was just that: An ex he happened to meet and go to have some cake with.

... in a hotel room. Alone with her.

God..

"— right!" Her voice was fully back now. Chipper in its tone but still quiet in its own way. The door closed the moment both of them went past it and the realization that she was now absolutely alone and in privacy with him has hit her. Rachel turned to face him then, holding the bag with cheesecake in one hand. She'd reach forward, hand said bag to him and then pointed at the big bathroom to her left somewhere (it must be there, right? Somewhere there anyway..)!

"Just one moment, please." With those words she ran into said restroom, quickly but not entirely closing the door behind herself. The mirror inside there was huge. Fully body. Great!! Her eyes fell onto the way she was dressed and, of course, the fact that she was still so very pregnant. What was she doing? He had a great family, sexy wife and two daughters. Was she going to ruin all of that?

Hell no. No... !! No. Right? She was just a friend, enjoying some cake in private. They were both well known out there. Hiding inside a hotel wasn't something she hasn't done before. "Calm down.." Rachel told herself, qashing her face. If she would've worn make-up, this would have been a no-go but given the fact that she was a general mess that day, there wasn't anything to remove to begin with. Then she opened her hair and tried her best to look a little more representable, letting it fall open down her shoulders. It wasn't super long, but long enough. After that she threw the cardigan into one of the corners, hoped she smelled alright and then, reluctantly, came back out. Whilst being in there she heard him rummage around. Possibly testing beds or turning on the TV, Rachel figured.

"It's quite big." Ah yes. A futile try to hold a casual conversation with him. Some random facts, whilst gesturing all around herself to emphasise on the penthouses grandness. ".. and expensive." Then their gazes met again and Rachel stopped in her tracks (so did her heart..).

He had plenty of questions for her, he said just before she went into the bathroom earlier. Nervosity once again got the better of her and so she rushed past him as quick as a pregnant woman could, throwing herself onto the bed. Bad decision. "Ouch!!! Ouch, ouch, ouch...." Rachel cursed, turning to lay somewhat awkwardly on her back with one heavy exhale. "Help me!!" She reached out with one arm, hoping he'd just grip her hand and pull her back out of the bed. "Maybe the couch would be a better idea."

Great. They have been there for less than 30 minutes and she already embarrassed herself, pulling down her shirt that slipped up a little from that jump, almost showing a bit too much skin. "You. Me. Cheesecake. That's how we start." Five minutes later they sat neatly next to each other, each with a little plastic container and a plastic fork in their hands. The TV being but a noise-filler in the background. Something about a documentary, showing the worlds best romances and whether or not they might've been true stories. Little did Rachel know they'd bring up the Notebook in a few minutes.

"So..." she started, shoving the first bite into her mouth to keep her nervosity at bay. It was hard to hold eye-contact with Ryan. Not that she didn't want to, but whenever their gazes met, Rachel felt like he stared right into her soul and that in itself just made her want to throw herself into his arms. Therefore she let hers wander from his eyes, to the cake, through the room and back..

"Eva. Tell me about her. Were... your children wanted? Both of them.. ?" Should she dare to go a little further then? Prod in ways she wasn't having any right to? "Why her.. and not me?" Back in the days, she once brought up children. They were too young, she knew as much but it was him, too, who said they should focus on career first. Another piece of cake. Then one more.. and before you knew it, her piece was gone. All that was left, was shaky hands, fiddling with one another as she placed folded them on her own lap, finally locking gazes again. For good, this time.

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

It was a blur. Honestly? It was all.. such a blur of events. Yes, she had been frozen. In fact, calling it that was sort of an understatement. Ever since they made first eye contact Rachel hardly said a word. She just ventured forward, gestured from her house back to herself and then to Ryan to signal that she was good to go regardless and then they continued on together. ... and he talked. He talked a lot. Not only to her, or himself, but to Eva, too. She’d be lying to say listening to that hasn’t had her wonder but who was Rachel to ask private questions all of a sudden? Like she had any right to. No... that was his life and she couldn’t blame Eva for (probably) being jealous. Back in the days Rachel wasn’t thrilled with how ‘wanted’ Ryan was a lot of the times either. It was normal.. wasn’t it. But she tolerated it, just like she tolerated that awkward phone call he got. When he was interrupted, she knew right away why that was.  Even as they continued walking all she could do was watch Ryan. Watch his facial features and how expressive he was, as well as his hand gestures and the way he strutted forward. Despite her ‘heavy’ self, walking in his presence felt.. light. Which is not something she ever thought she’d feel or even think. 

Every now and then Rachel sort-of giggled, or chuckled softly, affirming that she was indeed listening to every single word. She was just.. speechless, really. Part of her didn’t believe this was really happening. Maybe she fell asleep in the bathtub and dreamt? Maybe she slipped on her own waters after they broke and then hit her head and was now unconscious in — No. The woman pinched herself, then nodded one more time before glancing at Ryans phone after he announced that he probably just found a place to have cheesecake at. He said he missed her earlier, didn’t he? That he thought about her a lot? Here he was; accepting her unconditionally, complimenting her, and making her feel like no time has passed at all when, in fact, she was... pregnant with another mans child. Again.  Not just any man. Her partner. Despite that, Rachel silently inhaled as slow and deep as she could and then dared to shift a little closer (while they were walking, still). Her right arm hooked into his, while the palm of her left hand also somehow gripped onto Ryans biceps there. She was sort of completely holding onto this one arm of his. Drawn in by his presence. The warmth. The feeling she had around him. They were both so dishevelled and lost in their own way, but when she was with him- right now! - she felt.. safe. 

When his voice faded out after confessing he probably just talked to much, Rachel shook her head in protest. It was her turn, wasn’t it? What should she even say? How does one talk? What is english? ...  I love you, is what she thought but knew she could never say. Not that she ever stopped. She simply tried to fool herself into believing she was happier without him. That she was content and that they both did the right thing, but here he was. Back in her life. And her in his. She had always made him try the weirdest things and do the absurdest stuff. Together. Sometimes he tried to deny, or to get out of it but at the end of the day, he never did. They just held hands and enjoyed whatever a day had brought. Speaking of hands? Her eyes trailed down his forearm, stopping at his fingers- which she watched as he moved them across the screen of his phone. Fingers she remembered fondly. Not in a sexual way (although that ain’t excluded), but in a tender, caring way. “You’re not so weird.. you know?” 

A rethorical question. She didn’t actually need him to answer, nor did she give him time to. She wanted to tell him that she missed him, and there wasn’t a day where she didn’t think about him. Even as she gave birth to her son, Rachels head went back to Ryan. She also wanted to tell him that she knew he was a workaholic and that movies were his life, just like they were his, but that every now and then she found herself regretting their decision to part ways. Deeply. But instead, all she could do was ask more questions. Especially after what he just said. “Why’d you say Eva is on the edge, with you home all the time?” Rachel lifted her head with that question, trying to catch a glimpse of his expression. They were still walking.

Okay, okay, yes. A few passer-byers did turn their heads. Face-masks only concealed so much but if peoples eyes gave them away, then that’s that.  Rachel didn’t care.  Five minutes later they stood in front of a little store that was currently closed for in-house dining. They had a small window on the outside, through which they sold their infamous cheesecake. “- with raspberry sauce!” Rachel added, giving the guy on the other side her order. One more look at Ryan, then she threw a few more words into the mix. “Make that two. Two cheesecakes with raspberry sauce. And chocolate shakes to go! Oh and can you also give me one of those white-chocolate oreo cakes? And.. perhaps, one of the apple crumbles?” Did she go overboard? With one soundless but nervous gulp her eyes wandered from Ryan (who stood next to her), to the man that took her order, then down to her stomach and back to that one man again. “Sure about that?” He’d ask, causing her mouth to fall open as if she didn’t hear him right.

“Yes, I’m sure about that!!” No more affirmation needed, right? Rachel pointed almost angrily at her own stomach, putting some urgency behind her own words. The man nodded, then gestured towards Ryan. “Done a good job I have to say. Pretty wife of yours. Aren’t you that guy from the notebook?” As he turned to one side, he just continued with his little conversation. Rachel remained silent, but blinked in confusion. “I saw it with my girl not too long ago. Recognizing your eyes, man. And that’s your wife, right? Guess you two married in real life, too.” Okay, this.. was off. And so wrong. And unexpected. Rachels eyes widened at those words, seeking Ryans gaze as if she was hoping for him to diffuse the situation - or so she thought. When, truthfully, her heart started racing because the thought of someone thinking she was actually married to him and pregnant because of him. Even though she knew he’d intervene and tell the shop-owner off. That he’d tell him no, he was married to the most beautiful woman on this planet, Eva Mendes, and had two daughters with her. That he was happy... ... she nervously stroked some hair behind one of her ears, hoping he didn’t notice her sudden silence and just when she realized Ryan was about to speak, Rachel reached for his upper arm. A gesture to stop him from whatever he was about to say; palm flat on him. She shook her head, briefly making eye contact with the man that would always be her ‘Noah’ and then cleared her throat softly. Maybe what she’d say next caught him off guard? Who’s to say. - all the while their order got finished and the guy packed it into respective containers for them to take along in a second. Her eyes watering, and the tone of her voice a little shaky, making it more than apparent for anyone knowing her that she spoke of something she wished to be true, but that wasn’t actually so..

“Y.. yeah. We’re expecting our second child, actually. Happily married ever since we met on the set of The Notebook..”  She didn’t make direct eye contact with Ryan anymore then. Avoided it deliberately. Ashamed, probably.  The vendor nodded, made some sort of virtorious noise and then took some cash from Ryan before grinning at the two of them. “Hah. Knew it. Nice, guys. Nice. Have a great day.” ... hopefully Ryan would forgive her for that. If that guy would go to some tabloit whatsoever, this could steer trouble but that was highly unlikely. Nevertheless, Rachel took the bag with the goodies, turned on the spot and began walking in a pace way faster than before. Almost as if she tried to run away from embarrassment- something she felt now. For sure.

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

Should she regret having sent that image? As soon as her last message was gone, her hand found its way back up and Rachel ended up nervously gnawing on the nail on her thumb, pacing through the bathroom.  “Rachel!” Jamie kept calling out; audible footsteps announcing his impending presence and sure enough, he actually knocked at the door. “I’m on the toilet!!” She hastily replied, voice a little breathless.  “Are you alright tho?” he was concerned. Of course he was! She wasn’t together with an asshole, after all. No response from the womans side, so he eventually added: “I’m about to leave for that meet-up I told you about.” “Oh...” Rachel whispered to herself, faintly remembering how he told her about that about a week ago. He was meant to meet a few colleagues of his, to talk about the script for a movie idea the lot had. Whether it was romance or comedy, she couldn’t remember and it truthfully didn’t even matter right now anyway. “- Right!” Her voice echoed through the wooden door that separated her from Jamie. Rachel quickly strutted across the tiles, unlocked the door and faced the man she had build a live with. Smiling. “Babe—” She did cut him off by pressing her lips against his for a quick peck. A courtesy of sorts. He was confused.. !! She saw as much by the way his brows furrowed down when their gazes met. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Why did he keep prodding like that? Rachel nodded, yet also shook her head at the same time. Pregnant. Her stomach between them and his hands slowly coming to rest on it as if he was wanting to stroke what he swore to protect. “I’m really fine. We are fine!” We. Her and the baby. Jamie leaned down then, pressing one more kiss onto the top of her head before he exhaled loudly enough for her and then turned on the spot, about to leave. “I’ll be back around 8 pm, Babe.” Rachel nodded again, gave him an unnecessarily awkward ‘thumbs up’ gesture and then opened her mouth as if to ask something. He cut her off, answered her question before she even got to ask it. “Your Mother’s downstairs, babysitting. She arrived about ten minutes ago.”

With those words he parted and left. Rachels mother visited fairly often, and most of the time, she brought her husband along. They liked babysitting- like most ‘grandparents’ did, really. And especially now, with Rachel being pregnant again. Just as she faced the mirror in the bathroom after closing the door once more, the phone she held in one of her hands vibrated and the next twenty minutes were spent repeatedly reading said text again. And again. As per usual, when it came to him.  To Ryan. ..... .... ... .. . Did he really think she was beautiful? Despite looking like she had eaten two whole melons and gulped those down with five liters of beer or something? These days especially, Rachel felt everything but that. Her hair was a mess at best, none of her ‘good’ clothes fit and her body was really out of control most of the time now. Was it the way he subtly but deeply complimented her just there that brought tears into her eyes? Could’ve also been the hormones. Yeah... definitely the latter- or so she told herself. When in doubt, blame your pregnancy. At least she had an excuse at hand. An excuse to be such an emotional mess. Which she was. ... Right? Or maybe.. — No! There was no maybe. That must have been it. 

One last time, then her head finally caught up with what Ryan actually proposed in that message. Did he really just.. say he’d like to come there? Meet her right now? This very day? This very.. moment? As if stung by a bee, Rachel yelped breathlessly, then ran towards the only window in the rather spacious bathroom. It was facing the street, allowing her to take a look towards the pavement outside. No. Just some random cars and walkers. Her eyes roamed every possible way he could be coming from. No sign of Ryan. Trees. Children. Mothers with trollies in front of them and a few joggers and—— “— oh my god.”

Whatever breath she had left in her lungs now formed itself into a thick knot of oxygen that got suck somewhere in inside her throat. Rachel had to swallow. Twice. Then her heart began to race. She saw it clear as day there. Unmistakably.  Ryan Gosling. Strolling down the far down street but coming towards her house. Panic started to settle in, then Rachel forced her eyes onto the screen of her phone and, with shaky hands, typed a response. “Ryan! Yes. Same house. I am a mess. Heck, I didn’t even get to shower yet. Not to mention the...” A moment of hesistation. She bit her lip, almost feeling sick from that sudden onset of nervosity. “-the stomach. It’s big. I could pop any moment.” Her eyes flew towards the window again, seeing that man continuously coming closer. He’d be here in about 2 minutes at this rate. Whatever text there was, she just hit sent. The next 120 seconds were spent in an absolute frenzy of actions. Messy hair that was brushed back into a ponytail of sorts. Black leggings that were, to be frank, a little too tight in the middle- thanks, pregnancy.  A white shirt with rainbow-letters that read ‘Am I a MILF? Blink if the answer is yes.’ and a black cardigan she threw on top. Flip-flops, because nothing else really fit her feet at this stage of pregnancy. Ah, water retention. Beautiful. Some chewing-gum that she threw into her mouth on her way down.  A quick wave towards her parents -which were visibly confused by the way she rushed and the awkward way a 9 month pregnant woman waddled out of the house.  Damn she was breathless, but then, just as Ryan stepped onto the entry-way to her house, Rachel opened the door and caught his gaze right away, locking it with hers. It was in that instant that her head stopped beating- or skipped such anyway.

Her first instinct was to just run out, keep running and jump on him until she’d be in his arms. Which was absurd, given they haven’t seen each other in so many years, let alone talk a lot but seeing his face and those yes of his ...  ... but Rachel was frozen. Stared. Tried to smile, while fighting back another onset of emotional tears. At the end of it all, she lifted one hand half-way, waved it ever so slightly and then just said: “.... Hi.” Hi?! She couldn’t be serious. The moment said word was spoken Rachel felt even more nervous; Panicky; forced herself to take one step foward and while she did, her eyes finally managed to take his whole appearance in. As if no day had passed. Men. More precisely: Ryan Gosling. He hardly aged. His hair was a little shorter than it used to and his stare seemed to have gotten a little more intense but other than that? Just like he had looked on day one. “Do you....” - Do you what? What was she about to ask? Her voice was audibly shaky. Trembling.. like her hands. Which he hopefully didn’t notice. Or did he!? Ach. What would her parents think if she’d invite him in? Maybe they should just go somewhere else, together? But she wasn’t dressed for the occasion. “—  Do you want to invite me to some cheesecake somewhere.. ?” ... yes. Good question. There was always room for cheesecake. .... .. .. oh man.

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

Honestly now? Rachel wasn’t exactly asleep by the time his response rained in, but forcefully kept herself from taking her phone and looking at it. She heard the vibration, knew it was either her mother or /him/, and decided to wait it out. At least until morning. Maybe she’d have a clearer head then? Because at this very moment, all she could think about was Ryan and how, so many years ago, it was him holding her in his arms just the way Jamie did now. She should feel content. She should be happy, with the family she built for herself with the man whose frame she felt pressed against her own back but...  ... .. . alas. _________________________________________ “Mammmmnn-” a tiny voice roared through the room and shortly after she felt a bit of weight on her upper thighs. Jamie placed their son on her legs, waking Rachel up that way.  “Hng~�� the sleepy woman grumbled, forcing her eyes open to gaze at the two males in front of her. Was she.. dreaming? If so: what? She took a second to recollect her thoughts and get a feel for the situation. The texts she had sent last day, were they real? “Get up, sleepy head.” Jamie mused, rocking the child in his arms after lifting him away from his girlfriends legs. She was pregnant after all. No need to make a bearing woman more uncomfortable than she was by default right now. “I’m awake, silly.” Her voice begged to differ, but Rachel quickly cleared her throat in a soft manner, then added “... a little bit at least.”

“Eggs are waiting.” Damn, he was almost perfect, wasn’t he? Going up before her, taking care of their child, making breakfast and, Rachel quickly noted with one open eye: looking absolutely dashing. Why was it that, although presented with an image so perfect, her head wandered to Ryan again? Somewhere in the back of her head she remembered a similar situation from so many years ago. Ryan. Wearing plaid Pyjama pants and a white shirt that lined his biceps just right; bending over hear with that trademark smile of his, kissing both corners of her lips a few times before he’d eventually just lay himself completely down on her. It robbed her off of her breath then, but she laughed and there were hardly moments were Rachel was as happy as she was in that instant. The memory of that, as well as coffee Ryan made beforehand and blinding sun from the right were like a flashback you’d only expect to see at the end of your life. “Earth to Mommy- please respond.” Jamie’s voice cut through her mind, bringing her back to the present. “Yes!! Yes..” She’d sit up, pulling herself against the beds headboard to lean onto. Rachel had no issue with mornings and unlike others actually liked every start into a new day but today was a little different. No one noticed the way her eyes darted to her left, risking a quick look at the phone on her nightstand. “What time is it-” a lame excuse for her to reach and take it, acting like all she wanted was to know how late it had gotten. In truth, Rachel wanted to see if she got a new message, just like she remembered hearing in the night. And, guess what? She did. It wasn’t a dream. She was talking to Ryan. Via text.

“I’m..” her vocal cords faded, causing her to clear her throat yet again.  “You’re not getting sick, are you, Birdie?” Jamie sounded concerned but kept his cool, their baby in his arms. She shook her head, pointing at herself with a smile. “Just need some water, is all.”  He nodded in response to that, then gestured towards the door to signal she should just go up and follow so they could all eat. Rachel mimicked his nod and moved to sit on the beds edge, watching him leave the bedroom after he pressed a short kiss onto her forehead first, and then onto her lips.

Before he managed to reach the stairs, Rachel turned a little louder, audibly sending some words his way real quick. “I’ll be down in a few minutes!!” He didn’t respond, which meant he heard it but had no objections, she figured, then left the bed behind to strut over to the en-suite bathroom they shared. For whatever reason she locked the door, she didn’t know, but it happened anyway. First time for everything. Maybe she’d be able to excuse that behaviour with embarrassment or the fear of her waters breaking and him witnessing it? Ach, he wouldn’t come back. He’d never know.  And so she read his Ryans message. Finally. Sitting on the bathtubs porcelain rim, hoping her legs wouldn’t fall asleep in the process. Damned that belly weight and damned be pregnancy. Her lips moved wordlessly as her eyes took in every word, letting her mind follow to process it. It was all nice and dandy, until these last two words reached her heart. Your Ryan. Rachel gasped, so silently she knew no one heard it but to her, that was louder than many other things currently wear. Did he.. really just write that? Yesterday night he raved on about how blessed he was and how great -or was it sexy?- Eva had been.. and now he called himself /her/ Ryan? Her hands began to shake then. That one word in particular was the only one she kept repeating to herself and at one point she wasn’t sure if she felt dizzy and trembly from the pregnancy, or said word anymore. What on earth was she supposed to answer? He put a lot of responsibilty on her with that, didn’t he? If she’d recognize what he said, she’d practically admit that she never stopped loving him. If she wouldn’t, she’d fear he might think she didn’t care enough. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.. as some would say. With a loud sigh Rachel let her head reel back, eyeing the ceiling above.  “BABE!” Jamie yelled from downstairs, still waiting. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” She almost hissed in return, running one palm down her entire face in a desperate motion before she reached to her right and turned on the water faucet. She didn’t actually do anything on the sink but figured if Jamie would hear that, he’d assume she was washing her face, teeth, or just did something else that required water- and so he wouldn’t barge in. “You...” thinking out loud never helped anyone.. but sometimes you needed to talk to yourself to anchor yourself in reality. Not to float away.. - right? And thus she began typing her response. Quick and swift as ever, hitting send right after. 📱 To > Driver:

“Good morning. Sorry for my late response. I had quite the weird night, to be honest. Be lying to say I haven’t fallen asleep to the thought of you. I keep having those weird flashbacks, you know? It’s almost as if my heart tries to compare, or put you into my current life in multiple ways. You’re not here, of course, I know that. Great now I sound like I’m a nut-case. I’m sorry. What I truly mean to say is that I hope you are feeling good today and that the Kids are perfectly splendid. Did you ever watch the haunting of bly manor? It doesn’t really matter. At this point I’m just typing nonsense because I’m nervous and don’t you dare go thinking I didn’t see what you did there. The one word before the last. Ryan? Maybe we—” By accident, Rachel hit sent right there, cursing under her breath and quickly sending a second message. “Sorry, hit send. Maybe we should go for some coffee? Ah, no wait. Corona makes this impossible. Unless we meet in the city. Los Feliz? There’s that little shop that got themselves a van to sell coffee from. We could get one there and maybe go for a walk? They say walking is good when pregnant. No issue with going for a nice walk with a friend. Right? No one needs to know. And with face masks no papparazzi will recognize us either. PS: Imma be so blunt as to attach a random photo that my mother took of me, two days ago. See for yourself how bad this whole pregnancy thing really is. I look like bowser, but backwards. -R.”

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

She could hear Jamie sing in the shower, upstairs; the phone vibrating on her stomach just a few minutes after she had sent her response. Did he reply already? Ryans text was surprisingly long and Rachel found herself playing with one lock of her hair rather absent mindedly. Almost giddy in a way. “What you readin’, Babe?” Her partner eventually stepped into the room. How on earth did that happen? Just a moment ago she thought he’d need another half hour and now he was there already? Caught off-guard Rachel quickly locked her phone and turned to face her long-term companion. “Ah-” but before she was able to answer, he added something else. “I see you smiling over there.”

“... Right.” Rachel returned, nodding once. He didn’t actually expect an answer, she knew as much and therefore just skipped past that topic, patting the empty spot on her side. Shortly after, Jamie had her legs across his lap and her head found its way onto his shoulder while they both gazed towards the TV. Saturday Night Life. A classic, really. She always loved that show and found it to be quite comforting nowadays. The pandemic made it hard to distinguish between the days at times. Everything blended together and turned into a blur. That show, on the other hand, was only running on Saturdays. Which means whoever watched that knew exactly what day of the week it was. Thankfully. She did start to caress his upper arm somewhen down the line, after the first few sketches were done and dusted. Jamie loved that and it was one of the things they both enjoyed a lot. Together. They even fell asleep like that at times and surely after, just like predicted, his eyes closed down and she started to hear that familiar sound of his sleepy breathing; chest moving in rythm to it and his heart beating gently, right beneath the spot her ear had laid on.  With him off to dream land Rachel reached forward to the small couch table, pulling her phone closer without too much movement. She unlocked the screen, went back into her texts and read Ryans message again. And again. And again. The clock on the top right of her mobile device read 1:30 am. How long had she been in this position, reading his words over and over? An hour? Two? Jamies arm moved and she was sure his legs must be asleep, given neither really changed positions for so long. 

“Baby..” Rachels voice remained a whisper, not wanting to startle him. She stretched her neck just enough to press a gentle kiss onto his close-by cheek, hoping to wake him somehow. He murmured, but didn’t protest otherwise; fully aware that she’d ask him to go to bed.  And so they did. He actually wanted to carry her at first but after she declined, pointing at her stomach, he chuckled in his own manner and led the way. “Be right there.” In front of their bedroom their ways parted. He slumped onto the bed, knocked out right after. Rachel went into the bathroom, wanting to wash up but stopped in the dark hallway instead, once again pulling out her phone and reading her Ex’ text one last time. Attentively.

He seemed happy with his life, didn’t he? Talked about how amazing Eva was, and how great his kids were. That he can’t complain, nor would he. It was somehow hard to believe that she used to know him inside- and out. Through and through. That there was a time in her life where Rachel would’ve been able to answer everything, in regards to Ryan. Right now she just stood there, shrouded in dark with nothing but the screens light illuminating her facial features.  “Blessed...”   That’s what he said, right there, in that text.. and she knew he meant it. After all, Rachel was blessed too, wasn’t she? That’s what she thought anyway. With a great partner, a man who’d do everything for her- or so she thought! - and an amazing son, as well as another one on the way. But then.. why didn’t that very word, blessed, not reach her heart? Not really anyway. Not fully. Ryan always had a knack with words. He knew how to be open, gentle, direct yet never insulting or inappropriate. It was a talent of his. That, and his unmistakable charm everyone on this planet would easily fall for. Including her. And Eva, obviously.  Some mumbled sounds echoed from her bedroom, indicating that Jamie, half asleep as he was, grumbled that he’d like her to join him. And she would. “Just a second—” Rachel replied as loud as possible for a whisper. Waking her son was the last thing she wanted to do right now. He currently had a stomach bug and needed all the rest he could get. She’d probably be in their kids room soon anyway, measuring his temperature, making sure he’d drink and then go back down to prepare some soup for breakfast. 📱 To > Driver: “You’re odd sometimes, still. Worrying about whether or not I go back to work after giving birth. Honestly? I haven’t thought about it. I’m more scared of giving birth than to wonder whether or not I’ll be in front of a camera shortly after. They say you forget the pain afterwards, in order to be able to give birth to another but really? I remember it was awful. God only knows why I decided to do it again. Life finds a way, doesn’t it?” Without sending this message, Rachel brought one hand up, nervously biting into the nail of her thumb. Just for a second. Why was this so awkward, yet familiar?  Then she added.. “Are you good, being at home all the time? It must be like a dream for you, with all those blessings and what not. I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you’re doing well. And, Ryan? Just so you know: I don’t only think about you when watching certain movies. It’s more of a constant ... - R.” After that she hit send. Needed to! Quickly. Or else it would have never left her phone. That last part made her feel guilty. Whyever she said that, she didn’t know. In hindsith, a few seconds later, Rachel cursed under her breath for having added that to the text but knew there was nothing she could do to change it now. The screen got locked again. She needed a good twenty more minutes in the bathroom. Peeing really ain’t all that glamorous or easy when you’re pregnant. Neither is anything else, really. Brushing teeth. Brushing hair. Washing face. Getting to bed. Not to mention: none of her Pyjamas really fit her in this state. So she decided to just wear a long shirt and nothing more than that. “Finally ~” Jamie murmured, turning to open his arms so she could slip onto the bed, under the blanket, right next to him. He shifted closer to spoon her and while he was back asleep as quick as he was with holding her, Rachels eyes stared through the dark room. She was thinking.. and knew she’d probably not find any sleep at all that night. 

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

“Rachel!!!” Jamie called her name for the fourth or fifth time by now, putting more and more emphasis into it. Her boyfriend was on the hunt, searching for her. Meanwhile the middle aged actress found herself leaning her back against the closets door. As if she tried to keep it shut and herself separated from whatever was on the other side. Her family. Her 2 year old son.. and Jamie. A good man, really. He never did her harm, always tried his best and supported Rachel in everything she did or wanted to do. Whether that was a new acting role, another addition to the family, a dog— it didn’t matter. You might go as far as to say her wish was his command. And it was good. Sometimes a little too good to be true. All of her friends envied her and her parents were relieved and happy at the fact that she was taken care of in a way. Materialistically speaking Rachel didn’t need anyone. She was a well paid actress after all. Especially in the whole romance and comedy genre. And Jamie? Well.. he was a screenwriter, coming up with all kind of scenarios and stories to be told to the world. Often times involving her.  He’d smile at her every morning, tell her how happy he was to be with her and that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. Why, just why didn’t she feel as happy as he seemed to.. !? A shaky exhale left her throat at those thoughts; eyes roaming across the screen of her phone, which she held in one hand, still. Truth be told: Rachel didn’t expect an answer from Ryan. Let alone one that came so quickly but alas, sometimes people got surprised. And if anyone would have seen the way her eyes widened at the familiar sound of an incoming text message, they would’ve known she was either shocked, breathless or had a silent heart attack. Her free hand wandered up to her face in a very swift motion, covering her own mouth to stop her from gasping, yelping or doing anything that might alarm Jamie who was, by now, just outside of that closet. On the other side of the door. “Babe-” his voice cut through Rachels thoughts. He tried opening the door, but she was still in front of it. “Come on! Talk to me?” He must’ve realized by now that something was off. Not only did she take more than 10 minutes to change her shirt, but she also didn’t answer any of his call-outs. “Babe... ?”  He was a good man, Rachel reminded herself, pushing back tears while scanning over Ryans reply as fast as she possibly could. Then she shoved her phone into the backpocket of her jeans, gently hit her cheeks with her own hands a few times to awaken her senses and turned to open the door so she could face her partner. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was low in its own way, not matching the fake-smile she put on her lips when their gazes met. 

“What’s going on, hm?” They wouldn’t still be together if he wouldn’t be able to read her like a half-open-book at this point. “You’re... - did you cry in there or what?” Jamie pointed towards the closet behind Rachel, stepping closer to bring his other, free arm around her shoulders and somehow pull her into an embrace. The much smaller woman didn’t protest against that nor did she say much. Sometimes words weren’t needed. And as it were, right now, whatever she might say would’ve been wrong either way. She sucked at lying and hoped Jamie would just assume she had an off day. That she was overwhelmed with their son or that she simply had her periods. Really, anything was possible.

With her face against his chest, Rachel finally caved in and let some tears roll down her cheeks. Not that she had much of a choice anyway. Those things weren’t really in our control to begin with.  “Babe, you have to talk to me.” His voice was soothing. “I’m fine. I’m .. okay, really.” She’d respond in an instant, nodding against him to put emphasis into her own sentence. He probably didn’t believe her, but didn’t ask any more questions and just held her.  The rest of the day turned out to be rather normal and uneventful. The two of them went back down, Rachel turned to their son and spent a good few hours just playing with him to tire him out, while Jamie cleaned up the kitchen and then sat in the living room, watching sports. Not really her gusto. Eleven idiots, running after one ball. Soccer, that is.  After dinner and once the dishes were done, the kid brought to bed and Jamie upstairs to take his daily after-food-shower, Rachel slumped onto the couch herself, finally pulling her phone back out. She had to read Ryans message about eight times before the realization hit her that she was, in fact, truly talking to him again. Surely, this was just via text but it was a 100% more contact than they had during the last 7 years or so. Five more minutes, then she inhaled as deep as possible, held the mobile device with both her hands and finally typed a response.. 📱 To > Driver: “Speak about the devil, am I right? Sorry to barge into your life like that. So unannounced on top of it. I guess I don’t really know why I wrote you today of all days. To answer your questions: I am okay. Due-Date is next month. I’m pretty loaded, one might say. Are you doing okay, Ryan? How are Eva and the kids? How’s the quarantine treating you? PS: I know I’m late but I really loved LaLa Land and wanted to say that I think you deserved the award and all the praise. -R.” Once that was sent, her focus fell onto his text again. More so, the “.. just thought about you..” line. Then she let go off of the phone, which just meant it laid on her rather pronounced stomach (ah, pregnancy. A gift for anyone too lazy to hold a cup) and reeled her head onto the couches backrest.  Thirty more minutes, then Jamie would be done with his shower, she’d take a bath and possibly find herself feeling guilty for texting Ryan to begin with. That was a problem for future Rachel though. Present Rachel smiled. Why, she didn’t know.. yet.

[mcrachel]

Is less sometimes more?

2020. What a crazy year it had been so far, hm? And who’s to say what more would come? Rachel most definitely had enough of it. Enough of all the sickness; all the worry; all the what if’s and when’s. Not only did she have to worry about her parents who, just like everyone else, didn’t turn younger but also her own children. Yeah, motherhood wasn’t easy on her or anyone else nowadays. But in all fairness: the virus, closed schools, the worlds chaos and peoples emotions -which were all over the place!- wasn’t what occupied Rachels mind the most nowadays. No. It was something else entirely. Something she hardly, if ever even talked about. One might’ve considered it some form of PTSD, if love had such a thing in petto. If it wasn’t for that overall feeling and draw-back, she probably wouldn’t currently sit hidden inside her walk-in closet, on a little stool, absently gnawing on the fingernails of her left hand whilst holding her phone in the right. She stared at it. Had been doing so for a good five minutes and was doing so, still. Silently, but with a restless leg. Puke from her young son covering the left spot on her shoulders. Damn, that sweater cost a little fortune some years ago.  “... .. .”  Speaking of which: she was hearing him and Jamie down in the kitchen. Rachel excused herself after that little accident, sweaty from the stress of trying to manage the household on her own. With no nanny, no help from anyone, not even her partner. Jamie. They weren’t married. They have never been. She has never been. ... and might never be so, either.

It was at that very instant, just after their son threw up while she held him, and her gaze fixated onto the mess that was their kitchen, with Jamie blabbering something in front of the TV somewhere close-by, that she sort of lost it. Without a word she’d hand her Boyfriend their child, excused herself (assuming he thought she’d just go and change) and trotted upstairs. ... well. She’d change eventually. But at this moment, all Rachel did was curse under her breath, pushing the phone back into the right pocket of her jeans. Mom-jeans, they called them. She always tried to look representable, even at home but it didn’t quite work as well these past few days. - and her mind kept wandering back to a different time. Many years ago.

In this closet of hers, Jamie hardly ever heard her. And she couldn’t hear the baby cry. Maybe it was the fact that she was close to give birth to another that made her more emotional? Maybe her hormones were just crazy, bringng up all sorts of moments to go and rummage through.  Who knew. She certainly didn’t.

Ten more minutes or so passed. Time Rachel spent pacing through that tiny room. Upset. Sometimes hitting the walls, behind the coat hangers. Sometimes just standing still, covering her mouth in a desperate attempt to catch a breath. Maybe she hated herself. Not for her looks, or how she thought she wasn’t enough of a mother at times, but for the way her mind wandered. Not to Jamie. Not to her son, or the unborn child, but to.. Ryan. Gosling.

“Shit... shit... shit..” she’d eventually say, breathless and quiet; eyes on her phone again, which laid on the close-by cupboard inside that huge room full of clothes. On its display was her address book and the letter category ‘D’. She always had his number. Never deleted it, but had to rename Ryans information into something else after she got together with Jamie. He always was a rather jealous man, and she never blamed him. Some people were like that. Funnily enough, by the time they got together, the movie ‘Driver’ released and while Jamie never really saw it, Rachel did. More than once. It was for that reason that there was a contact named ‘Driver’ in her phone now. And it was Ryan Goslings information. Jamie would never know. He’d probably assume she had saved the address of one of the many taxi services around the area. Or a more personal one, but certainly not this. And for that, she felt guilty, too.  No one should have secrets. She shouldn’t..  “... .. .” Silence, still.  A few more minutes spent pacing. Eventually she threw the dirty sweater into the laundry-basket and found herself stopping in front of her phone. Again. She didn’t even need to look; blindly reached forward and grabbed another sweater (non-fittingly, it was dark blue and clashed with the jeans but who cared..) while her other hand got hold of that mobile device again. For years she convinced herself not to do any of this. Not to text. Call. Or even say Hi. But.. Rachel was human, and there was only so much one could take, before the curiosity got too big and feelings started to bleed through that hard wall one tried so hard to build. And so the text she typed as quick as possible then, read the following: 📱 To > Driver: “Hey hey. Hey!! Hi.. I don’t know if you have this number saved, still, and if you don’t then that might be better for the both of us. Not going to name names here (and probably risking to never get an answer from you therefore) but: how are you? Really? R.” Rachel hit sent so quick, even sonic would’ve been impressed. Right afterwards she threw the phone somewhere into a corner. It hit the wall, but no one heard it. Simultaneously her son started crying loudly downstairs. .. and so did she. Damn this day sucked. And quite frankly? She was shocked by herself more than anything right now.

[mcrachel]

[mcrachel]

Rachel Mcadams para a revista Marie Claire (2015) | Rachel McAdams for Marie Claire Magazine (2015)