me-importa-mother-blog

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[me-importa-mother-blog]

I will always be in love w B but I never want to see or speak to him again. It was supposed to be him, everything I ever wanted was supposed to be with him but now it's not and that's life. Things change, u adjust and adapt. I know I will fall in love again and this person will make me forget how awful it feels to lose the person u thought was the love of your life. Yes I love B, yes I will forever be in love w him but no I do not want him anywhere near me for all of eternity. There are three loves in life, Your first love (Julio) Your true love (Brendon) And your lifelong love, the one who brings things out of u u didn't know existed who will make u forget you've ever been hurt, who will be the one u spend your happily ever after with for as long as time allows. This love is effortless and unexpected

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Rambling about recovery

I am truly almost moved to tears to remember the feeling of having someone look u deadass and tell u that you're the reason they're sober. That you're the reason they put down the needle or the bottle. That u gave them hope, inspiration, strength. That's why I loved (and still do) working with other alcoholics and addicts because THATS ME and I'm them. I see myself in every single broken soul that walks through the door of that meeting or detox or inpatient. Sometimes I wonder why fucking me. There's so many other sick and suffering alcoholics out there so desperately in need of a sliver of hope, of being told that they matter, of having a bed to sleep in, some sense of security, companionship, a fucking family. I am one of the lucky ones. I don't know why but god chose me. God hand picked me to carry the message of recovery. And if I have EVER touched or influenced or helped at least ONE person then all of it was worth it. Every second of pain and suffering that I have endured, every bitter experience, every time I've been abandoned or rejected, every time I've been to jail or the hospital. It was ALL worth it. I know what it's like to sit in a dark room staring at the wall feeling absolute emptiness in the hollow bit of your stomach. I know what it feels like to watch the sun come up once more and to think to yourself, FUCK I did it again! I stayed awake another fucking day!!! I know what it's like to have multiple days like those and suddenly u find yourself brushing your teeth in an alley behind a warehouse in god knows what fucking city you're even in, and u haven't slept in days, u can't remember the last time u ate, and the feeling of the toothpaste stinging while coating your tongue reminds u that nothing would be better then a drink of fresh water. I know what it's like to sit in a basement while your using boyfriend is nodded out, and you're trying to hit but it's so cold and you're so dehydrated and frail that u can't find a vein. U keep missing, your veins roll, your heart is pounding, you're shaking. All u fucking want is to hit goddamn it why is it so hard!! U stop and pause. U remember nights in rehab sitting outside chain smoking while reading we agnostics out of the big book w a musician and a hippie that you're particularly fond of. And u hardly have anything in common with either of them but you've never felt so at home. A couple weeks later u sit on the couch in your sober living, just another normal day when u become consumed with negative thoughts that flood your mind. "Is this all there is?" U keep asking yourself. And u decide that u miss the taste of alcohol on your lips. The regret you'll feel the next day, the scrapes on your knees, the aching in your back. U miss the chaos, u crave self destruction and just like that you're off and running again. Starting right where u left off. U come back to your emptiness in that basement and look down at your arm, pale with dots blood everywhere from all the times you've poked yourself trying to shoot up. U look at the needle, coagulated blood fills the rig and u know the shot is worthless at this point. U take a deep breath and once again the thought crosses your mind "is this all there is?" But it's not. There's so much fucking more on the other side. It's so painful to walk through the path to face your addiction and your problems head on but goddamn I promise it's worth it. It was all worth it because I would have missed out on all of this. I never want to forget where I came from and that at any second my misery is refundable and I can go right back to where I was. While I try to live life as normally as I can, my addiction is doing push ups waiting for me to relapse, waiting to strip me of everything and everyone worthwhile that I have fought for with my entire life and heart and soul. Getting sober was the HARDEST GODDAMN THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Staying sober is a piece of cake these days but holy shit, the first six months of sobriety were excruciating. I had vivid dreams of getting loaded almost every night. I spent the first two weeks in psychosis, hallucinating nonsense. I was constipated for 17 days and once I was finally able to take a shit it was a type of pain I will never forget, that I never want to feel again. My skin felt like it was 3 sizes too small. Everywhere I went I was convinced everyone knew that I was a fake. I would cry uncontrollably at the most minuscule things like not being allowed to buy a donut at 711. All I thought about and wanted to do was get high. I wanted to feel that rush again. I wanted to feel the cough in my throats from doing a fat shot, the room spinning, my ears on fire, a sudden urge to just go. Idk where I was going or why but I just had to go. And I was either in for the high of my life or my heart was gonna give out and I was done but either way I couldn't wait to see what happened next. And 30 minutes later utter misery kicks in. I am living a hell on earth. The anxiety is so unbearable that I can't stop smacking my lips, biting my cheeks, bouncing up and down, pacing, impending doom, severe lower back pain. My first 6 months of sobriety all I wanted was to feel that again. And I told myself I wasn't done and one day I was gonna get high again I wasn't sure when but I knew I was going to and I couldn't wait for that day to come. Almost three years later here I am. Haven't touched meth or heroin since and done really plan to. I entertain the thought quite often. My mouth waters sometimes when I get blood drawn because my body is trained to think that when a needle is entering my vein, I'm about to feel high as shit in a few seconds. But then I don't. I'm still sober as fuck. And feeling completely 100% sober is the best feeling next to that rush. Nothing will ever compare to the rush. That is and will always be the absolute most incredible feeling ever. But it's fake. Nobody should ever feel that good. It's not right. And it comes at a very high price. So next to the rush feeling sober and getting to FEEL everything is the best feeling. And the reason is the best is because it's real, authentic, raw, genuine. Even when my bipolar has taken me to the darkest depths I am still feeling. The good, the bad, the silly, the angry all of it. I used to feel absolutely nothing but pure emptiness, the kind a zombie would feel. Like I had no brain, no purpose. My whole family could have gotten brutally murdered in front of me and I would honest to god have just shrugged, said oh well and carried on with doing whatever I had to do to get my next fix. Meth brings out the worst in u. It opens doors to paranormal energies that allow your body to be taken hostage. U are not in control anymore. But today, I am in control. I choose who I want to surround myself with. I make a conscious decision everyday to keep needles away from my arms and shots of vodka out of my mouth. I choose to get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth and go to school or work or whatever the case calls for. I choose to live. Every second I'm breathing a sober breath is an act of resistance. I am breathing for everyone who doesn't have this chance. There is a revolution in and through me that cannot be silenced. I was made for great things, I was meant to touch lives. I was made to bring people together and to love and provide a safe place where the broken can gather and be. My gratitude for my life today- every high and low- every bitter experience I've gone through- attempting suicide in sobriety when I got my heart broken- losing countless to this disease. Every. Single. Thing. My gratitude for all of these and so much more expands across galaxies. It's unfathomable, cannot be understood or rationally explained. I love myself for who I am, who I have been and who I have yet to be. Every moment that passes, I'm filled with joy because I could have missed out on all of this. And to anyone struggling, if I can do it so can u. I get to live a life today that I didn't even know I wanted. So when people tell me I have anything to do with them getting/staying sober, it means the world to me because my journey has been hell but I'm here and I'm alive and sober and mostly happy. Bipolar is a daily struggle but I have a sober mind and a full heart to take on anything that comes my way.

[me-importa-mother-blog]

Ppl being bulimic to try to lose weight doesn't make sense to me. Being anorexic works much better, speaking on personal experience. Also yes super mean bitchy thoughts I know

[me-importa-mother-blog]

i’m obsessed with myself. 

[me-importa-mother-blog]

rly not down w making guys/relationships the center of my life anymore. focusing on me and it feels amazing. lets see how long this lasts bahahaha

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love is not all u need

[me-importa-mother-blog]

my number is 34, there may be some i missed that i can’t remember but idc

[me-importa-mother-blog]

deep breaths. deep breaths. DEEP. BREATHS. 

[me-importa-mother-blog]

I have some gnarly ass issues. I already knew this but it was made apparent to me again last night

[me-importa-mother-blog]

I threw up in my car last night and it seeped into the carpet and smells fucking disgusting 👍🏽👍🏽

[me-importa-mother-blog]

All 3 of my friends are going out tonight and I'll be at home sola como perro con mis perros. Not to mention they live in Washington, California and corvegas 😔

[me-importa-mother-blog]

Why did I have caffeine at 1AM I hate myself rn

[me-importa-mother-blog]

My mom likes to talk shit and then complains about why I don't tell her anything. Checks out

[me-importa-mother-blog]

2.8 years clean & sober today

[me-importa-mother-blog]

7 day spiritual cleanse (no social media for ONE WEEK during this.) 🌈Day one: meditate for 15minutes straight, say 5 affirmations to yourself in the mirror. 🌈Day two: read a chapter of the Buddhist bible and respond to it (how you relate/what you like etc) 🌈Day three: do not complain NOT EVEN ONCE 🌈Day four: pick a chapter or two from the Christian bible and respond to it (how you relate/what you like etc) 🌈Day five: choose 5 people, places, things and pray for them actively (each hour) throughout the day 🌈Day six: read a chapter from the Bhavagad-Gita (hate Krishna bible) and respond to it. 🌈Day seven: meditate 30 minutes straight. Write a God letter (one to God and one with God writing back to you) 10 affirmations in the mirror (I am lovable, I love and approve of myself etc)

[me-importa-mother-blog]

Be as radical in your forgiving as u are in your loving