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[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

[meditationandacoonhound]

Questioning

You told me to get out.  Leave.  You needed your keys.  You couldn’t trust me.

I love you so much.  You’ve been my family and while things have been so difficult for us I’ve always believed we were a team.  That you helped me and I tried to help you and together we’d do anything.  Fights were normal, normal people don’t get along all the time.  As long as at the end of the day we knew we belonged together, that we were a family, a team, that was all that mattered.  

But you never see things my way, and you’re always right.  There’s never any compromise.  And this time, I left.  And I begged you not to completely erase me. 

We were both confused.  Let’s be honest, neither one of us knew what to do.  But I reached out.  I needed to hear your voice.  I needed to know that while this was a new low that you still needed me.  That we’d figure it out.  That I was not optional.

Get out.  Leave.  Where are your keys?  You can’t trust me.  So you watched me pack.  I packed with tears in my eyes and you yelled at me over the same things.  You have to supervise me.  I leave my medication - you’ll need it more to sleep.  I leave the sweatshirt you gave me on our first date.  I don’t want the waffle maker I bought once upon a time so I could make you waffles.  Remember, I cut the strawberries into little hearts for Valentines day.  I wanted you to know I loved you.  I still love you, so the waffle maker stays.  The mixing bowls stay, the towels stay.  Everything I’ve given to this house stays, and it’s not as much as you provide, but the things I gave I don’t need.  They are things.  I need you.  I needed you.  

And so I left, with as much as I could fit of my things.  And I called you that night, but you didn’t answer.  And I texted you that night, but we fought.  And I begged you to talk to me, because this couldn’t be the end.

I didn’t sleep for a week.  I didn’t eat for five days.  I still don’t eat much, and sleep comes in spurts.  I call you my boyfriend because to not do so hurts.  

Tonight you finally texted me, at 10:33.  Goodnight, I love you.  But do you love me?

I’m not sure what lesson you thought I’d learn.  But it’s been a week, and I’m starting to see I was an option to you, you didn’t need me.  And I still love you, so much it hurts.  But I have to start questioning my self worth.

[meditationandacoonhound]