meditativedeer

[meditativedeer]

things available to love

the sun comes and i make my lists

yoga after shower

new climbing shoes

kissing in the hallway

finished uni for summer

reading eileen myles

fixing things

sleeping skin to skin

frisbee

long hair

stripes

making pizza and garlic bread

smelling like suncream

laughing a little

laughing until it hurts

udon noodles

getting better

shiny skin

playing guitar

eating chips in the park

[meditativedeer]

april

feeling like furniture at work

frozen broad beans in a ziploc bag for my ankle

swimming

wanting to cry

trying not to

beautiful sunset

the glass essay

german movies

thinking im doing it wrong

people quitting

giving too much

bodies underwater

coconut milk

snail trail

burnt tongue

dvd readers

stock count

soy yoghurt

bfi player

early dinner

bright evenings

[meditativedeer]

in this poem

we are lying in bed together

and i'm searching your face

trying to read your mind

wondering what the truth you're withholding means

wondering how bad it is

[meditativedeer]

things i love today

friday 21 march

emily

swimming

good news

my new jeans

billie marten

waking up to natural light

the flat i'm moving into

hot chocolate

sunshine

new climbing shoes

three concerts to look forward to

mango ice lollies

flatbread

glee

stardew valley

singin in the rain

kissing

dolly parton

iced matcha with coconut milk

doing the dishes

making pizza

my backpack

my waterbottle

wearing mules to work

booking a haircut

two plaits

t shirts

pan au chocolat

fruity filter coffee

smiling at people

[meditativedeer]

6 march

this is a list. I try not to make lists when im sad but its been a weird week

sprained ankles

classical music

car crash

big fall

powerful scream

lying to your mother

breaking down on a roundabout

breaking down in spain

aeropress coffee

lightning

thunder

cats

planes

chlorine

waterproof coats

good jeans

crunchy broccoli

water shortages

showering

bruising

guidebooks

retching

[meditativedeer]

losing yourself for a few months

finding her in the bathroom at a work party, wiping the shadow of mascara from below her eyes,

saying goodbye to your coworkers before they emigrate to the warmth of a new county, realising how much you meant to each other. it nearly felt like we had gone back in time, the past felt so comforting, early January mornings opening shop together, so dark it could have been 3a.m., it could have felt like it.

last year inviting me to live in it, a place where you knew what was going to happen, to know you could deal with all the worry as you'd done it all before.

an invitation that can't be accepted is a mean and mocking tease,

'I'll see you before I leave'

there's a space in the car for me to go to the next bar with them, but I don't want to go. I feel like I've been twisted out.

waking up the next morning with the bitten parts of my lips stained dark from red wine, feeling like I had been left behind again.

[meditativedeer]

9 jan

this is a list

ice scraper

haircuts

hot chocolate

vegan chilli

fighting about it

fingerless gloves

driving to the mountains

trailers

flat whites

frosty trees

light snow

clear sky

too cold for squirrels

yellow journal

student houses

the best risotto ive ever had

the coldest winter ive seen

wishing I could read her mind

cold climbing shoes

soft wool socks

snow on top of cars

snow on top of mountains

considering dropping out

money

planning the week

trying not to be upset

hummus

red hands

getting stronger

going home

waking up early

[meditativedeer]

I've been mean, self pitying and careless. None of it felt good, but I know that being good is an art, it takes effort but it feeds itself. It is my only option, I want to make the people I love feel good. I feel like I had it back to front, trying to be tolerated and approved by everybody. Tolerance and approval will not fulfil you as much as you think it will. I'm sitting in a freezing coffee trailer, serving a customer once every half an hour and watching the snow fall. My fingers might freeze off. I'm going to be nice.

[meditativedeer]

[meditativedeer]

christmas list

new soap

2000 miles

black coffee

hot shower

broken phone

new girl Christmas specials

silver rings

mtv

black long sleeve t shirt

wearing makeup

mushroom wellington

pine candle

white wine before noon

nativity scene

sellotape

chocolate

brie and cranberry

wham

american cousins

oilve body lotion

5 days until she's home

[meditativedeer]

todayagainandagain

this is a list

hair in a plait

three deadline extensions

heavy rain

mushrooms on toast

two coffees interluded by herbal tea

blue knitted socks

smelly hiking boots

YouTube on the tv

buses and trains

arguing

new bedsheets

scripts

dvds

advent calendars

pak choi

climbing shoes attached to my bag

soup

[meditativedeer]

things I love today

autonomy

patterned socks

spicy hummus

hot coffee

snow on the mountains

lemsip with a sore throat

collecting film equipment

free screenwriting software

free editing software

duolingo

hoover lines

David shrigley

belaying

big headphones

big fleeces

looking at the bigger picture

crying on my walk to uni

defrosting the car

moisturiser

rabbit teddy (Paul)

David gray giving me a maternal feeling

my mum

facetiming friends who moved far away

christmas movies

christmas music

father John misty

doc martens

bed

great British bake off

opting out

opting in

scrambling

[meditativedeer]

winter rules

I haven't written a list like this in a long time, so I'll do it differently now. these are the things I love today. the title of this is misleading - there's only really one rule - keep loving

my girlfriend

wearing a long sleeve under a big t shirt

soup

running my hands through her hair, feeling the warmth of her head when she lies on top of me

kath and kim

paddington

celine sciamma

cats

the smell of the bread factory on my way to the climbing gym

patterned socks

hiking

my eyebrow piercing

waking up in the night and pulling her closer

turning the car heating the whole way up

the cinema

taking notes

having Sunday off

new backpack

county mayo

doing everyday things with her

charity shop denim

the Vietnamese coffee shop

cauliflower and broccoli

Adrianne lenker

the smell of the launderette on my way to uni

deleting instagram

speaking irish podcast

the mourne mountains

buying cds

learning to play new board games

silver earrings

having long hair

a little life

long bus journeys

Manchester

London

biscuits

earl grey tea with oat milk

hot showers

freshly trimmed fringe

waking up early

going to sleep early

cast iron

buying gifts

rice pudding

[meditativedeer]

in the last few hours of July I feel like I've been taken apart very gently. the year is moving fast and falling in love is scary, biting my tongue before I admit it first, making friends with your friends, helping you move house, kissing in the hallway, looking at eachother the whole way through a room full of people. staring at your ceiling while you sleep, feeling myself change by the second. I wonder who I'll be next week, or by Christmas. your hand on my leg while I drive, my hands in your hair while we watch TV, making dinner together, making eggs for breakfast, taking your work meetings sitting on my bed while I lie on the floor, reading. you squeezing the space between my thumb and forefinger, making me feel real, and warm. I'm real, I'm warm, I think I'm in love with you.

[meditativedeer]

my laptop password is still my old best friend's name, even after everything that happened. I cant be hungry like I was when I was 16 because my body wants to glow. I was built to have muscle on my bones, I was built to be beautiful

[meditativedeer]

summer rules is one year old

and I have a few more. some of these aren't even rules. there are no rules.

get on the train

greek yoghurt and berries and extra dark honey

hay fever tablets

so you can lie in the grass

dont kill bugs

put them outside

get in the water

even just up to your knees

kiss her even if you're scared

you dont have to text anyone back

smile first thing every morning, before you look at your phone

the wind in the trees and the blood in your body and the noise in the small throats of birds and dogs and girls

windows down

the big moth in your room is your friend

so am i

I love you

single digit bedtime sometimes but not all the time

beer garden cigarette

unless you quit

well done

[meditativedeer]

one day you're lying in bed at 4am because your jaw aches from grinding your teeth, and your stomach aches because it's empty, and your heart aches because you're an alien on earth and nobody knows what to do with you, you don't know what to do with yourself. your arms have been zip-tied to your sides. you quit your job. you take a few flights, go on a date when you come home. then another date. you're brave and you go out to see your friends, because they don't hate you, you just thought they did. and you take the courage to meditate, because you don't hate yourself, you just thought you did. and you're sleeping better. and it all happened quite quickly, like maths.