merisms

[merisms]

[merisms]

At times, recovering feels even harder than survival. during the surviving, fractions were lived one at a time, while in the remembering, I am both who I was then and who I am now, and sometimes, everybody else in between.

Now, I am the child living through it, and I am the adult who knows better — an adult who could never do the unthinkable. And reliving it in all these simultaneous viewpoints is a heartbreak I can barely describe. It rips apart a soul in ways I wish I didn’t know.

[merisms]

do you have any resources for getting a better understanding of emotional incest? i was under the impression it accurately described some of the ways my mother treated me growing up (i won't go into detail on that in your inbox of course) but after seeing your post i want to ensure i'm not misusing a term used to describe a form of abuse that i may not have experienced

Most of the resources on this that I am aware of typically is not about covert incest specifically, but rather about incest/CSA/parental abuse as a whole and discusses covert incest as part of that. I am not sure if that is something you'd be interested in.

Covert (or emotional) incest is where a parent treats a child as if they are a sexual and/or romantic partner, minus physical sexual contact. Incest can begin as covert incest, which then progresses to physical sexual contact. The nonphysical sexual aspects of this can look like a parent discussing their sex life in depth with a child, their sexual proclivities, sharing porn, voyeurism, etc. The relational aspect can involve things like asking the child to treat them the way their spouse treat(ed) them (this is vague on purpose because it can be any behavior really--the point being that the child is explicitly being asked to step into the role of spouse, especially in cases of divorce or a deceased partner), the parent discussing and venting in depth their problems with dating/current partner with a child, asking for career or life advice, making the child feel guilty for not having the correct advice to give them/not being emotionally available to them, getting jealous of their kid's friends, trying to get you to side with them during arguments that involve other adults, getting you to do adult household responsibilities when they are fully capable of them (NOT AGE APPROPRIATE CHORES! Things like asking you to talk to your landlord about the lease, or doing their taxes for them), etc. Basically just behaviors that people would either normally or maladaptively do about/to a romantic partner rather than to a child.

This CAN involve discussing monetary issues like I complained about in the post, but the problem is that people use too broad of a brush about some things. Like I have seen someone tell someone else that they are a covert incest survivor because they slept in the same bed as their parents at an older age than is common in the USA, but is common and nonromantic/nonsexual in the culture that person is from. I have seen someone say they are a survivor because they were asked to do age appropriate chores (dishes and trash at a teen age). And at the same time, there are circumstances parents can face that they may need to inform the child about. A child being told "we don't have the money for that," is not being abused, they are having a situation explained to them. If you wander into a room and see your parent crying and they tell you an age appropriate explanation for their behavior and aren't expecting you to take care of them, that is not abuse. If your parent is a trauma survivor, them mentioning that they are one or informing their child about trauma disorders they have is very different from emotionally relying on a child to help them through it. A parent expressing emotions just in general, is not necessarily them treating a child as a romantic partner, and if anything refusing to show their emotions can cause problems in the child as well of feeling like they aren't allowed to react. A disabled parent needing physical assistance and their child helps out is not abuse, as long as it is age appropriate--however if you were making your parent breakfast in bed and spoonfeeding them every day when they are not disabled, it is probably going to be more in line with them treating you as a partner rather than a child. It is ultimately about them treating you like a partner rather than their own child.

https://www.janiceklaw.com/blog/covert-sexual-abuse/ this link has good examples of covert incest that aren't as vague and aren't as easy to do broad strokes with, and includes the CEIS. Hopefully this helps.

[merisms]

The focus that many marginalized spaces and some movements have on validity and reassurances (especially reassurances that focus on how palatable/desirable/normal you "actually" are) has eternally annoyed me but I could never concisely and properly word my position until I started reading Belly of the Beast by Da'Shaun L. Harrison:

"Self-love, even a radical one, cannot and will not disrupt or bring an end to systemic violence. [...] We become stagnant and immovable, fixated on always challenging how we see our bodies and never getting to the place where we no longer have to interrogate our bodies at all."

[merisms]

Happy Pride Month! I had a question I hope doesn't sound too parasocial. I saw you say you base your identity on how the community would understand your experiences, not how you internally identify. Does that mean that you don't feel attached to those identities or people who share those identities?

I wouldn't say that my external and internal identities differ, it's more that I think of identity labels *as* community terms and not necessarily personal ones! A lot of our identities are relational: introvert and extrovert, all the various personality tests, our boundaries, the way we like to communicate, our preferred ways of handling conflict, all of that hinges on whether we are interacting with others. They can be important, but they are still relational. In the same way, sexuality and gender are interpersonal and ways to communicate to others how you are navigating the world around you and how you'd like them to navigate you.

I am not attached to identities in the way that I believe they are intrinsic parts of myself, which I think is one reason I've never really had problems with changing labels when I felt that the former labels no longer accurately communicated to people what I wanted it to communicate. I think part of the reason there is so much identity debate is that instead of looking at terms as communicative tools, people try to force themselves to fit into certain terms because they view anything else as either a sunk cost fallacy of having invested so much of themselves in the identity or that it would have meant they "lied"/"failed"/"are a bad [insert identity]"/"betraying the community" when in reality it doesn't mean any of that. Some people never need to change the terms they use to convey their sexuality and gender, but for others it can be a longer process, or for things to change as they go through life. It doesn't have a value to it regardless of which group you fall under. IMO it is better to change the label you use than to cling to a label that miscommunicates how you want to be interacted with, because the latter will only cause interpersonal issues and hurt on all sides that can be avoided.

I am attached to community, to the people, to the history of our communities.

[merisms]

You mentioned you don't live in the USA, but not which country, so I am not sure how accessible your environment is.

If you have a lot of smooth paved walking/biking trails, you can go for walks. You can engage in upper body related sports depending on your ability--things like archery do not require any special wheelchair equipment, kayaking, fishing, etc. and you are normally able to rent the actual equipment you do need. It would just be a matter of making sure the venue is wheelchair accessible! You can check if there are any local groups for wheelchair users in your area, or for parasports organizations in your area, or general disability groups, and that will be a good jumping off point!

What are some holiday activities you can do in a wheelchair? And i mean without special equipment, going hiking as a wheelchair user is technically possible but it usually requires special wheelchair attachments. Specifically activities in summer? Any ideas? What do other disabled and or chronically ill people do during summer holidays?

[merisms]

I want to see your sadness I want to share your sin I want to bleed your blood and I want to be let in

[merisms]

i know you’re really well-read on trauma. i was wondering if you know how creating a trauma narrative that you then go over again and again in graphic detail in therapy helps resolve/ process trauma? my therapist asked me to write a trauma script of what happened and then we are supposed to read it in therapy and record it and listen to it over and over until the effect it has on me wears off. i’ve heard of this before but i thought repeating the details like this would be retraumatising?

If you are ever unsure, uncomfortable with, or wary of anything a therapist wants to try with you, you should ask what the goals of the approach are and what common adverse reactions you could experience are. You should also ask when and where they trained for this, and a lot of experience is not necessarily better if they have not updated their trainings to current best practices! I would want to see that they have continually kept up with trainings in addition to experience. And if you still feel as if you do not want to do it after getting your answers, your therapist should respect that you do not want to.

This approach is a form of exposure therapy, but without a specific goal like desensitizing triggers or phobias, is not a good idea. EMDR trainings specifically warn therapists against immediately and directly touching trauma memories during EMDR sessions for complex trauma survivors. It is appropriate for single trauma survivors, but not complex. Even then, they do not just make you relive trauma over and over in EMDR, there is a specific goal as stated. Forcing someone to recall their trauma memories before they are ready can cause flooding and subsequent breakdowns, and it can also skew the accuracy of your memories if you are being asked to recall things that you do not organically recall or the therapist is being suggestive during the recall. This last part is what got many therapists sued during/after satanic panic. Based on what you've said, it seems your therapist has not communicated clearly with you the goal of this pretty severe approach and what they hope to accomplish, and because of this I would not trust them to do any trauma treatment at all, personally! I am not a fan to say the least.

[merisms]

Think I'm having a stress-related MCAS flareup cause I've been having hives for the past 48 hours, haven't eaten or used anything new and I also showered so theoretically anything that got on me yesterday would be gone.

[merisms]

[merisms]

thankyou for your answer about e-reader! i got a kobo as a personal gift^^ i like the e-ink screen it is nice to read off of (for me tablet screens strain my eyes too much u__u) . i am reading Chefetz' book The Fear of Feeling Real. it's a bit difficult of a read, my english proficiency varies in between parts so sometimes it's not hard and then sometimes the sentences look like hieroglyphs but mostly i just look up the words i have not seen before so it's not terrible (i can read better than i speak anyways too) but i like the book a lot and relate to it very much. but it is the first (clinic) book on dissociative disorders i am reading (at least that i remember ) so dont have anything to compare it to ^^;

i hope you could finished your book on time! what was it about ? did you enjoy it?

Congratulations! That's a great gift to receive. :)

Chefetz' book is definitely more dense and difficult to read compared to books that are geared toward clients reading them, so it's not just you! It is honestly a little more dense than some books for clinicians too. I'm glad you're liking it so far though. :)

I did finish my book! Octavia Butler's Parables duology is post-apocalyptic speculative fiction published in the 90s. It deals with race, gender, sexuality, class, religion, climate change, and communities. The first book takes place in 2024, which I read in 2024, and the second book is what I was finishing. It's...very difficult to rate or recommend especially on this blog because it's a VERY heavy book, there are many graphic violent scenes in it of pretty much every abuse you can imagine. There are reasons it is graphic and reasons for the violence, it makes sense for the violence to be there. But it is still really difficult to read with trauma history. The reason I kept struggling to read it before it was due back at the library was because of how much I was having to pace myself. I think it took me a few months to finish the first book and 3 months with the second. If you can stomach it, there are some interesting perspectives in the books.

[merisms]

I'm aware it's exceedingly common to the point of being expected, but having internal drama is so corny. Me vs the other guys in my brain who are all also Me.

[merisms]

Changing my url has had the blessed effect of giving me fewer annoying asks but ALSO I know for a fact I broke many a link in various word docs and those wikia/fanwiki/whatever they're called pages about DID. Which is great cause never once has a bitch ever asked me if I Wanted anything I said to be linked as like "definitive" DID advice/facts.

[merisms]

BTW for people who have just followed me: I have been pro-Palestine since I was a preteen/early teen, I am against things like Hindu nationalism and pro the freedom of all global south oppressed peoples, armed resistance is the only way to stop armed invasion/oppression, anti-theism IS racist, I do NOT think bitching and moaning about how you as an American were not taught global issues in school is an acceptable excuse for why you are currently ignorant and refuse to learn (every govt has propaganda and also there are countries which much greater issues in regard to literacy, access to education, access to internet, access to books than the USA. And guess what! Fewer, if any, accessibility options in the global south. SOME countries even punish people for having specific materials that go against propaganda), I DO think that if you as an American liberal or leftist were not worried about human rights issues in and outside the USA pre-Trump then, unless you were born yesterday, your upset is either because 1) for once your personal marginalized identity is at risk so now it's a problem cause you specifically are now a target and/or 2) you only care because the admin is republican, and being white and marginalized means you are the tippy top of the social hierarchy for people of your same marginalizations and you need to be Extremely cognizant of that.

[merisms]

Spine dr sent a referral to somebody else (cause technically the terrible neuro appt I had, it was supposed to be with a different Dr but apparently that Dr quit that office so they gave me to that asshat) and this new neuro's soonest appt is October. But hey. Hopefully not a dickhead this time. Yay yippee.

[merisms]

People using the term emotional incest wrong AND using it wrong about mothers specifically.

[merisms]

Hospital is trying to charge me for a procedure that was done at the beginning of 2024 and telling me *I'm* late to pay, then when I ask where the several hundred dollar payment I made on a specific date went, they "don't have a record of it because at the beginning of 2024 we had an outage that affected our records. This is also why we're billing you late" and is that my problem. 🤨

Anyway, always keep records of your medical payments, cause if I didn't, I wouldn't have known the exact amount and date I paid them.