mettakitt

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[cazador voice] now we can only complete my kickass immortality ritual if astarion makes it to the ritual site. so don't forget to lock the ritual site behind a door that's coded in a language he doesn't speak whose dictionary is currently being held by the cursed corpse of a child he doesn't know. and also my signet ring. and don't tell him any of this. really the joys of the ritual are secondary to standing here on this platform with all of you for three weeks, waiting, while astarion sort of fucks around in my house trying to figure out how to get here

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I want to write. I have ideas. I open document. I type four of the worst sentences ever created in the english language. I daydream the rest of the scene. I close document.

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I made Lorroakan drop his weapon, and Rolan said, "It's mine now." And you know what? I love that for him. I don't need it. Have fun with your new staff 🫡

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MY BOYS

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I noticed you haven’t been online in 10 hours, is therapy finally working?

this websites hate mail game is ruthless

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Normal vampire lord behavior.

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hot things to say during sex

cursed to put my hands on everything

hells. something just woke up down here

shouldn't have wished to live in more interesting times

all's well that ends... not as bad as it could have

these boots have seen everything

ALL IS ASH AND MEAT

no one back home will ever believe this

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a delicate veil of blood

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wild to me that lord of the rings is from the 1950s. people were really eating jellied salmon and sausages from a can while first reading this shit. middle earth was being described to the smooth dulcet tones of 1950s crooners on a big console radio. feels wrong somehow

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i never should have bought this game now youre all going to suffer for it

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I really think everyone needs to truly internalize this:

Fictional characters are objects.

They are not people. You cannot "objectify" them, because they have no personhood to be deprived of. They have no humanity to be erased. You cannot "disrespect" them, because they are not real.

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me: yeah I'm pretty close to finishing this fic

the fic:

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Truly animals are some of the most numerous creatures of earth

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Some Mettapants, inspired by my friend @twelfilth

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POV Miles Upshur writes a note immediately after Trager cuts his fingers off

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One of my favourite things about the note-writing protags is that their notes are both hilarious but for entirely different reasons.

Miles’ are funny because he’s a funny guy. Making cute lil jokes, calling people alcoholic kiddy fiddlers, just a guy being a dude.

Waylon’s are funny because he’s taking the time to write ellipses. Trapped in the middle of an asylum. Probably scrawling on scraps of loo roll with the shell-less ink cartridge of a broken biro. Just popped that filthy onesie back on after nearly getting bummed with a circular saw. And he’s putting in his little dot-dot-dots for dramatic effect. Like bro run