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[midnightfunction]

Rain day, Summers away

The nights are long, but long is what I’ve never felt. Longing is something that is a part of me. I long for what I have never had nor experienced. What is it that I long for, I long for a truly longer than usual longing.

You see my issue at the moment is boredom. I can’t seem to find magic in anyone else. There is a possibility that I am simply too hurt to see anyone else in the light I saw my love. But I refuse to believe that. That’s not what love is.

Come as you are. I will love you as you are for that is what love is. Love is unconditional, love bends and fits whatever mold you want it to. The reason none of these girls compare to you is because I have found my umbrella.

I have only ever used one umbrella. People abuse their umbrellas, but I have always felt a kinship with my own. I don’t need to carry my umbrella everyday. I don’t even need to carry it every time it rains. I simply need it when I can’t handle the rain.

There are times in my life where I invite the rain. I tell the rain to stay for a few days. But I have felt enough rain for many life times. I know it will rain another day, but I won’t let the rain run my day. I will simply let it flow.

It may feel like I’ve lost my umbrella but I haven’t. I feel my umbrella whenever I hear Otis, Al or John. I feel my umbrella. That is what is so upsetting to me. Learning to walk through the rain without an umbrella is a skill learned during your first storm. But the shelter from the storm that was forced on me kept be guarded from the necessary rain that everyone must feel.

For it is the rain which melts your deepest insecurities. It is the rain that molds the rocks as time goes on. Without the rain the mountains would not be able to be climbed. They would simply taunt us with their ragged edges.

I am starting to feel the rain when I need to. I don’t reach for my umbrella during every downpour. I have learned to embrace the falling change. I have learned to feel my umbrella during the rain while also being able to experience the rain for myself.

Sometimes the umbrella has been taking rain on for you for the entirety of it’s existence. So when you first feel the rain it scares you and that fear is what makes us go back to the same umbrella day after day.

Umbrellas will last a life time if we simply use it sparingly. I overused my umbrella and now it’s time for it to rest. It is time for it to not feel rain.

Because rain isn’t the only thing it was meant to feel.

[midnightfunction]

More of June 16

Honestly everything has been better, except for the fact that I had all this love to give and no one to give it to. I wonder how people get to the point where they simply give themselves all that love. I have yet to reach a level of enlightenment where I feel comfortable indulging myself. I am not going to write lies here. I will type only the truth. The truth is that I miss her simply because she was my easiest distraction. Who ever I date next needs to mesh well with me from the beginning. My love and I have aspects of ourselves that work well together but we are fundamentally wrong for each other. This doesn’t mean that we will never find our way back to one another eventually, it just means that we are not meant for one another at this time. I need to stop being mad. I need to let go. I just came to the same realization again. That’s fucking hilarious. I can’t believe that I did that. Like I get it though, me and her really do just work on an instinctual level. We just click when we’re in love. It’s just that there’s too much between us right now to feel any of that love. Let’s say in a couple months she says “hey, I can’t really take this anymore. Can I sleep over tonight so that we can talk about us…” I would agree, but I would have to stop and think. How does she make you feel like honestly how does she make you feel? She has to make you feel happy and nothing else. Right now she makes me feel happy but disappointed. I don’t even know why, that is literally my ego talking. Nothing else besides my ego. If i were to have suffocated this weeping pussy of an ego my answer would be yes. She makes me happy. But my fucking ego is holding me back. Oh god Michael is about to see Holly. God I remember the first time I really saw her as more as even a girlfriend. Because that’s the thing, i view everyone as my love and even my girlfriend but never more than that. She was the first one to really break that barrier. I remember the day like it was yesterday, Her bed was facing the left wall. It was still the black frame. She had her hair back with a band. I’m wearing that band right now She was wearing the blue shirt I have in my dresser right now and loose sweatpants. My mom conditioned me to never wear anything truly comfortable, which is why I have anxiety. If I were to just get over that root issue that would fix so much. So when I saw her like that I immediately jumped on her and grabbed her close and just watched her melt into me. It was such a beautiful moment. I had never felt a warmth like that. I’ve lived a pretty cold life, but I don’t like to dwell because although it was bad it was also great at so many parts, but because it was so cold I truly grabbed onto that warmth. I grabbed on too hard. Any flame needs air to breathe. Like fuck. Why. Fuck me. I just I truly didn’t know, I just had been hurt so many times before by girls who were idiots how the fuck do you think I felt with being on a limb with nothing but my wits with a girl who I have been dreaming of since eighth grade?! You truly don’t understand this. I was a nerd. I was ugly. I wasn’t fat but I wasn’t skinny. I had a big belly and snake arms. All of the sudden I start hiking because I like buddhism, I start going to the gym and I let my hair grow a little and apparently some girls like me. My interactions with girls has always been nothing but disappointing. I always offer everything I can offer the second I can and they use it and then leave it. But I was genuinely good at talking to people and I was practicing at talking to girls and I was getting good. Then BAM this girl I thought was really attractive started to like me. But like low-key. It was a temporary love. Oh my fucking god I finally understood, like shit, she made me crazy at work. She was constantly flirty and whispering things to me. She used to stop early at the door and walk backwards. What a tease. I was having so much fun. I had loved my old love already but she had gotten sick of me AGAIN. So I thought to myself “Why the fuck not?” I started to flirt back hard and really started to get the hang of it. I really thought my old love didn’t think anything of me. Suddenly she moved into her new apartment. We were going to go drink and sleepover as a celebration. This girl had just finished hooking up with some sleaze bag which just further pushed the notion that she wasn’t into me. I drink and everything and get plastered and get into bed with her. I started to talk to her, I was starting to feel ballsy in general because of this weekend love so I just kind of admitted everything to her. I literally just wanted to dump out all of my emotions. I did not do it with the intention of starting a two and a half year long relationship which showed me every shitty situation we can possibly be in. Now back to the day where I fell in love with her. She was just laying back in her bed playing on her phone, I stood there for what felt like years, but in all reality it was a couple seconds. Her beauty floored me. How How could someone look like that. I still have yet to meet any other person who looked smart, witty, dangerous, beautiful and ultimately she looked like someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. She looked like the complete embodiment of everything I have ever wanted and will ever want. I need to let go of hope. There is nothing I can do to change the past. If it is going to happen in the future it will happen. But as long as I am actively thinking of it I will be constantly distracted and never truly be happy.

[midnightfunction]

June 16, 2020

Yesterday he felt like what he was chasing had slipped away. Honestly, honesty is what was holding him back, he wishes that she would miss him. She wishes he would let go. But how? How do you let go? 

He could feel the black shatter crystals start to give. While looking around he spotted a vine hanging off the edge of the cliff, despite knowing that the vine is there he was not sure if the vine was tied at all. All he knew was that he was going to fall and he had to make a decision quickly. He grabbed the vine.

I must have been a 80 foot drop. the vine had some slack so he was free falling for about half a minute because the vine was taught. He was relieved that it did not snap. Suddenly he felt the urge to let go, he felt like he had cheated death and did not want to cheat anyone of anything, especially an all knowing deity of death. 

He thought of what he would be losing. He thought of the time he had wasted. He thought of her. She was not for him. She didn’t work with him. She didn’t put the effort in for him. But she did for everyone else. That’s what hurt the most. He realized that sometimes you need to answer life with a simply “Okay sure”.

He released his grip. 

He felt the air swishing down. 

It was over

[midnightfunction]

Dear Lucy

I made a mistake amor. I should have chosen you when the time came to clear out my things. My judgement was dogged by the potential honey that was no where to be found, for it is a fool who chooses love over all. Love does not triumph everything. Love can not triumph over everything. Now with my past life gone I wish I could find the words that would explain to you why I chose someone else.

I chose someone else because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of what it mean to only stay with you. A fear of commitment, that is what everyone claims that I have. I disagree with this for one reason alone, it is not a fear of commitment, but a fear of not committing.

I have always considered myself to be the mental snack in every relationship. I try to carry every conversation, I try to anticipate their needs at every turn. But what I tend to forget is that it is a two way street. If any one person in a relationship is putting in ALL the effort then it is not a relationship. Which is how I feel with you.

I have clocked whole lifetimes in on our relationship. I have lived so many life’s with you in my hands. I simply thought it was a time I give something else a chance. Love has no boundaries. I heard that during our nightly viewing of The Office. I don’t believe that at this moment. That is not to say that I will never, I simply don’t believe it right now. You see Lucy, I’ve been badly hurt. I’ve actually felt my soul tear. You see I left you for a girl. You’ve seen her. She’s the one that feels like home.

Now she’s gone Lucy and I don’t know who I was before her, because before her I simply wasn’t. I simply was some blob floating in the safe space he had created for himself. I was safe and comfortable. When she first came into my life she took all that I had created in space and pieced together a boyfriend that she would want. This may sound cruel but contrary to this belief I loved it.

I have always been a good part builder, but I never know how to make something with all the part I’ve created. At the core of this lies a habitual tendency I have which is starting but never finishing. I will suddenly get an idea for something great at 2am and work on it until 6am and then go to work. Once I get back from work I simply accept that I am done for the day and forget to work on it again.

I have been working with Ramona a couple days out of the week, but it isn’t the same without you.

I also miss her though, but I’m starting to miss her less and less everyday. I don’t want to be with her anymore. She has caused more harm than good.

Hope all is will Lucy,

MF

[midnightfunction]

June 14, 2020

Not sure where this is going to lead to. I have resorted to writing out all my inner thoughts on tumblr. Anonymously. So no one will ever know the mind that is behind all of the things that happens to me.

So let’s just do a quick summary of my week. I’m gonna put everything in terms of an unrelated story, whose morale is the same of mine. 

Empty afternoons and mornings, he had lost track of exactly what he was suppose to do during the day somewhere at the two week mark. A Bob Dylan song had been on his mind lately, he hummed the melody day in and day out. Simple Twist of Fate,   it was one of his favorite songs. It was one of those songs he wished would never trigger memories, but secretly always wanted it to.

Four weeks ago his best friend had been shot in the arm. The injury was strange because it was bad enough that he wasn’t going to ever be able to raise his hand straight up but it was bad enough that he had to go to physical therapy.

The worst part was that his best friend had recently taken up working out. It was a real bummer because he had spent two years and change working on his upper body. Only his upper body. This was horrible in of itself, he looked unnaturally uneven. He had spent so long focusing on one aspect of his body he never thought about taking a break and focusing on his body as a whole.

This seemingly horrible accident actually turned out to be a positive event. Both of them were simply too close to the situation to see it. When it happened his best friend expected him to yell at him. He was known for his short temper. Something about his best friend always made him go off. 

With a track record that bad his best friend expected the worst. Instead he was met by nothing but sadness. 

Sometimes you need to burn down the house to fix the cracks in the foundation. There will be times where you plan when the house burns down and there will be times where you are like Nani and Lilo is your ego.

You are struggling to make ends meet and keep Lilo safe, when one day you’re running home from an interview and you beg the firetruck to not take the right for your street and it when you see it does you freak out and start running only to find out that it’s too late.

The days where you don’t plan for the house to burn down, those are the days that almost don’t feel real. Auto-pilot is fine for when you don’t want to think of anything else aside from this one project, but being on auto-pilot and not noticing you’re on auto-pilot is when it become scary. 

You think the house is fine. You think the house is safe. What you don’t know, what you skimmed over when building the house is that the cracks in the foundation won’t change despite having bought a beautiful living room furniture set. 

You either burn the house down on your own accord, or you watch it burn down.