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mikki-bites · 6 years

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How I got into healthy mindset

Disclaimer: English isn’t my first language so I might have lots of grammar error. Also, this story is very personal to me so please be mindful. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.

Few months ago, I had a thing with this guy who did not treat me well. Any example of a bad boyfriend someone would be, he would lie right under it. Yes, I know, why would I want to stay with him when he did not treat me well? Well, ever since my high school boyfriend cheated on me and I had my best friend (10+ years of friendship) tell me that it was my fault that my ex cheated on me because I was ugly, I struggled with self-esteem problem. Not only that, I was never the brightest or the popular kid in school so I always got bullied because of my appearance and constantly been told to “kill myself” for it.

Anyways, back to the story. I am going to call this boy T. T and I were never in a official in relationship. We weren’t exactly friends with benefit either. It was sort of in between. At that time, I was happy of what I had and I thought it was good enough for me. Right after New Years, I messaged T asking what we were exactly and he dumped me at that spot saying he didn’t feel anything. I was devastated and I started to blame myself for being “not enough”. I started purging again and thinking that if I lost few pounds, I would be good enough again. (I was exactly 128 pounds at that time, which I was kind of hitting the overweight line).

At that time of me going through mental health of blaming myself, I turned to Tinder for a rebound. I thought if I got myself a distraction, I would been fine. So my first match was with this Korean-American boy. I will call him F for the sake of their identity. When he and I started talking, we were getting along well. He was giving me advice on how to better myself and what type of girls guys are into. It just felt like everything was going well. He went through same depression as I did. He could relate to my suicidal thoughts. He had same anxiety as I did. He went through same childhood trouble as I did. He labeled himself as “older brother”. I didn’t exactly fall romantically at that time. It was just fun talking to him and having someone who I can relate to.

Then this is were things starts to fall apart, the more I opened up to him, the more he started to use those words against me. I told him about my insecurity with my weight and he told me that if I don’t lose weight, no guys will ever like me. Not only that, he started to compare me to his ex and how I’ll never be good enough.

We went out to eat. He bought me food and the first thing he said to me was “if you eat that, you’re going to gain weight again” then I couldn’t eat at all. I started to get back into starving myself and purging even after just a cup of water. A CUP OF WATER MADE ME SCARED THAT I WAS GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT. That month that I was seeing him, I lost 15 pounds. I went 3 weeks with only eating one meal a day, follow up with purging all of that out of my system. I started to cut myself whenever he reminded me that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I started to think about ways to end my life again because to me, it was better to die than to deal with this world of hate.

Then one day, we went out to eat again and the first thing he said to me was “oh so how is your diet going? I’m just trying to help you” and I explained to him how i lost 28 pounds since I last saw him in person, he said “good, but not good enough”. Then he ordered food for me and said “you know everything in front of you is at least 1000 calories?” and I was back to where I started.

And this is when it got to me that enough was enough. He said “why would anyone sleep with you?” those words were literally ripped my heart out. I didn’t know what to do or how to react to it. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t my fault for being the way I am but at the same time, I was agreeing with him. Why would anyone want to be with me? Everything he was saying made sense to me.

Except... it wasn’t true.

Getting into healthy mindset took time. First, I needed therapy session and to talk about all my insecurities. There were a lot of crying involved but that’s okay. Crying does not define how weak you are. Second, I was on medication for major depression. People get so afraid to talk about this. It’s okay to be on medication. You should be proud that you took the step to find solutions to your problems. I had chemical imbalance in my system. It wasn’t my fault that I was thinking negatively about myself. If it wasn’t for those medication, I wouldn’t be alive today. Third, I started to reach out to all my friends and told them about what I been struggling with. All my friends been helpful and been there for me every time I had mental break downs. The first step starts with you. If you aren’t willing to better yourself, no one will help you. It’s hard. I know. The point of this post is remind everyone that no matter what kind of situation you are put in, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. I wish I could have told F that I was beautiful no matter what he was telling me. Rather I am 128lb or 95lb, I am beautiful the way I am. If a boy does not like me for who I am, then I don’t want to be with that boy either. With all of this positive thinking, I was finally able say “I love myself” for the first time in my life.

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mikki-bites · 6 years

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