mikroaaurora

[mikroaaurora]

improving myself

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I know I say this every year, but I truly want to reach somewhat a point in my potential and expand my skills and knowledge in my hobbies/ university major.

For me I’m a person that gets burn out quite quickly, I lack self-motivation and rely on others to motivate me to do things. Last year I pretty much flunked half my classes because of my lack of motivation in semester two which was a complete 360 from semester one where I attended every single lecture /class, I worked really hard to get my work and assignments done and pushed myself to the max (which probably wasn’t great for my mental health) but I was very pleased with my end results and proud of myself.

I was motivated and that motivation didn’t stem from outside sources, so I don’t know what happened to me for the other half of the year.

I’m not going to go into too much detail about it but since I’ve ranted about this so many times, but I took up a part time job that shook me real hard, and now I’m stuck.

I’m an animation and game design major with a bachelor of architecture, which is really fucking consuming because architecture alone is already so time consuming and stressful, and adding animation on top of that is like ? I don’t know how I do it honestly.

And for me I’m a perfectionist, I’m always looking at ways to improve my skills, get better at what I love since art is a hobby of mine, but I never have the time to. I want to research and gain more knowledge, be able to practise animation and art outside of assignments and my university environment. I want to make art for fun and pleasure as well. I want to so badly!!

But I don’t have time and I’m afraid if things stay the same that I’ll ever have the time to.

I want to eventually open a platform to showcase my works and maybe start taking commissions later down the road. I love animation but the only time I get to express that is through school and its unmotivating and discouraging because I also want to make my own animation without boundaries or limits to creativity.

I don’t know where I’m really going with this but I want to stop being so average and actually create something great, I was to have things I can showcase to others, my ow personal projects I can work on that spark joy. It’s upsetting because it’s completely in my control to change these things/ my conditions but I’m too scared to start.

I feel like it’s not much to ask but goddamn I want to feel passionate and proud about something again.

[mikroaaurora]

confused

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 Woooow what a handful of a start to 2023. I think I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief about 10 times during this month and a half. I’ve defiantly also experience a LOT within the shortest time although January felt like three months compiled into just one.

The BIG, big one was that I actually met someone, well this was December of 2022 but after about a month things were going well for us, actually things were going really well. I really liked this guy and I’m pretty sure he was reciprocating the same feelings back, and for me this was quite big because I had never been in a real relationship before, I mean I had dated a girl but she was my best friend so eh, and I had also dated long-out-of-the-country distance before, but I had never actually had a real relationship, and mind you this was with a boy.

I was nervous meeting him for the first date, hell I was shitting myself, honestly I think I almost considered driving back home, but I didn’t and we had a really great night.

Fast forward we would spend hours at night talking and watching movies (especially watching movies), staying up till 6am until one of us would doze off for a bit and then laughing at the fact we can both see the sun through our blinds. It was really really good, and it became quite a consistent habit to the point where I was wishing I just had one night to myself to play games haha.

I could also see my mood changing and I felt more happier, my family noticed me feeling happier.

A few weeks later after I saw him again things started to change, I mean he had his reasons that were completely reasonable so we talked a little less, took a little longer to reply to each other but it was okay, I had to understand. I just think that it was a little hard for me since we were talking so much constantly, I think I got a bit attached and clingy so I had to pull myself out of that mindset which wasn’t as easy but it got there.

Before I knew it we were not really talking at all and I was missing him constantly, at one point I think I got a little depressed for a few days because of it, since I was thinking… was it something I did? Did I do something wrong?? Whats happening???? But no matter what I could think of nothing has me pointing the finger at myself because we had just been like normal before we stopped talking so much. I struggled quite a bit through those probably 4 days, I didn’t do anything, wake up, watch tv all day, check tiktok a few times go to sleep, that’s all I did for about 4 days straight.

Honestly I would like to say a big fuck you to tiktok for also showing me so many relationship advice tiktoks on my fyp that fed into my anxiety and stress which didn’t help at all.

That was until I got sick of being sad.

One thing that I always admire about myself and pride myself on is how I can change my mood very quickly, and instantly motivate myself to be more positive. So I did. I was more positive and productive than I had been in the last 6 months. I was finally getting around to doing things I had put off for the longest time, I was waking up early, cooking myself new recipes and it made me feel really good!

Something that also helped was that I tend to get hyperfixated on something, in this case it was a movie/ movie characters, so tiktok I take that back thank you for feeding my hyperfixation.

Eventually I decided to text him after about 2 weeks of not talking, even though I was waiting for a response from him I said fuck it.

We talked for a few days but things just went back to normal and it felt like he was detaching himself a bit. But I kept gaslighting myself saying he’s busy, and tired because he was busy, he had a lot going on, but I don’t know things told me otherwise.

Now I think the worst part of this was he never established what we are, he did mention that we were in a relationship and god we acted like it but I just need that verbal confirmation.

I am still waiting for that confirmation and sometimes he’ll do things that will make me think okay we’re all fine, but then he’ll forget things that we had planned to do and I just get sad and confused all over again.

Confused that is the big word, constantly being confused.

Now I actually want to text him and ask him about what we are because I feel like it will be too hard to meet up and idk about calling, and I would like to know sooner or later before I become more confused with myself. But I told myself I would wait until valentines day is done just encase he decides to make a move, and wait until my trip this week is done since I don’t want to make myself stressed or sad.

But as for now the ball is in his court and I’m hoping he makes a move soon.

[mikroaaurora]

wassup 2023

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Wow its almost been a year since I’ve written here which i guess means that i haven’t been doing too bad to have needed an outlet to write on or maybe it’s just that i rather burden my friends with my issues, but 2022 was definitely a year for me. 

Honestly its crazy because it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much in the past year but looking back on it now I think I’ve achieved quite a bit I could say, and grown a lot as a person (at least I hope).

I feel like I should start this with a list of new year resolutions then get into reflecting about my year but maybe I’ll change it up and look back first.

So damn where do I begin, i started the year off feeling miserable I guess (remember that dance group that I mentioned being kicked out of) yeah, it took a toll on me much more than I would have liked it to. I was stuck in a place where i grieved my old friends, grieved dance and everything in between. I was torn between going back to dance with a different studio or just giving up and calling it quits after about 16 years of doing this. But unfortunately as much as I wanted to leave dance it didn’t want to leave me, I always caught myself dancing along to music, still practicing choreos in my head, it would not go, I couldn’t stop it, and it annoyed me because for something that used to bring me so much joy only made me sad because as much as I wanted to dance with others, as much as my friends convinced me to join another group, I just wanted to be dancing with my old friends again. And to be honest I did join a dance project with others, it was fun! I made some really good friends and although it was tough mentally and physically I was very happy with the end result and very proud of me and my team.

Unfortunately, I still wasn’t satisfied, it didn’t feel the same and I had to tell myself that it wasn’t even going to feel the same. I wanted to go back to my old dance crew but I knew how much I hated the leaders, how awkward it would be between us, how most of my close friends has already left, or how it would bring back all of the stress and complications that I had in the first place, I just wouldn’t feel happy I guess, and so I had to keep reminding myself that (also the fact that I continuously shit talked the studio so much I feel like my friends would laugh at me if I ended up going back despite my hate love relationship lol).

Anyways it took me months of trying to convince myself and moving past this to finally and I mean FINALLY be happy with where I am. It was tough and I was very mentally distressed but now I can proudly say I’m a dance teacher at a studio I love and I have great friends around me and have officially lead my own first project! it’s kinda surreal and makes me a little emotional to think of how years ago I was struggling so much to even just audition to get into a group and now I’m a teacher? Crazy! I’ve also started to notice a lot of progression within my dance abilities which is making me excited and motivated to keep pushing, I also found the courage to post on Instagram and tiktok wow since an old friend who’s pretty popular within the dance community encouraged me to.

Okay enough talk about dance, some other things that really made my 2022 was starting a new job midway into the year and making really good friends! (I feel like we’re too close to call colleagues haha) The job itself is bearable I guess, it’s the toughest job I’ve worked but the people there are making me able to put up with it I guess.

I guess I also just started being more positive, and had a more positive outlook on life, I started feeling excited for things more often and would try my best to go out more and experience more things and so I guess you could say 2022 was a learning year for me.

So new years resolutions damn I feel like I have the same few every year but I’m hoping (god please I really am) that I’ll be able to fulfill them this year. Mhm here we are:

workout consistently!

spend less time on social media

stop caring about people that treat you badly!! let go of them for good !!

be my own person, don’t spend so much time trying to be someone else

be serious in learning italian

save save save money !!

care more about my appearance lol

study hard !!

self motivation

explore different genres of music 

outside more

start drawing again >>> webtoon?

All of these are pretty much self explanatory but I really want to focus on being my own person! For the longest time I’ve spent so much of my energy looking at others and comparing myself? Trying to look like others, I mean not to a big extent but just wishing I looked like that person, wishing I lived like someone else and I feel like I’ve already started to move past that the past few months because I’m doing thinks that I want to do, that make me happy. I just want to be my own person, look at my features and go “how can I enhance myself” figure out my own style (which is still getting there) and just not have to think about looking and living like someone else. I want to be truthful to myself.

[mikroaaurora]

self worth

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now regardless of the fact that i'm an art student currently, back in highschool to be honest i hated art lol. it's funny because why would an art major once hate art ? well frankly i didn't hate art, i just hated art theory and i mean who doesn't ?? it's boring, always the same kind of thing, no one likes studying colour theory it's boring, well at least to me.

but it was one particular part of art theory that i despised, one part which sadly made up half of my art class grade, and it's was the lovely concept of annotation. now i was no art genius, i was no crazy smart student, probably a little above average, decent grades all of that. but i for the life of me could not annotate, and it's really funny because being in the creative field all my life i had no creativity when it came to analysing a work of art. stupid i know right ?

and so i dreaded those type of assessment, always tried my headrest but then when the class would share and discuss elements i would be like shit why didn't i see that, how could i have missed it. to put it simply, i felt like the dumbest person in the room, only being able to scrape the surface but not dig deeper into the meaning no matter how hard i tried, which ultimately lead me to hate art all together.

fast forward back to tonight 14th of march 2022, my mindset has changed. around an hour ago i sat at my desk analysing an illustration for one of my classes and for once i felt like i could understand things. I was picking up concepts that i wouldn't have even thought of years ago, understanding how things were composed, making assumptions and theory's out of this once peace of art which usually i would only draw half a page of points from in comparison to 3 pages of worthy context to talk about. And honestly it made me feel so good, really made me feel like i've developed and understood the concept of art, the specifics after all of those years of feeling so upset at myself, i finally feel proud to call myself an artist, and most importantly feel excited for once to finish this annotation assessment.

[mikroaaurora]

Feeling like an outsider but not really being one

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all my life, ((well technically talking from highschool to now which is only a decent 7 years)) i had felt like the odd one out, like it wasn't that prominent but subtlety i felt that way. It's like i felt included and of course i loved and cared for my friends but it also felt as if i hadn't had sat with them at lunch they wouldn't bother to question it, or if i had wanted to go to the canteen to grab my lunch no one would offer immediately to come with me like others would, and that would just be something that i had gotten used to. To be quite honest it didn't bother me all that much, it was just a minor thing, but because i felt this way i always made to make sure i was including myself in discussions, telling funny jokes, i was probably one of the loudest and extroverted in my high school group, and there's nothing bad about that, in fact i enjoyed making everyone laugh, i just never felt appreciated enough.

Fast forward a few years to last year when i had been given the opportunity to be a part of a dance cover group ((which was a goal that i had been trying for 4 years by then)) i quickly got along with everyone. Although i may not be as extroverted as i was back then i still tried my best, but i couldn't quite shake off the same feelings that i once held back in high school. Now obviously i was one of the newer members so it's only natural to feel like so but i guess the same old feeling made me forget about all of that.

Fast forward again to about three months ago, i ended up getting kicked from the group ((due to ridiculous reasons that still furiate me)) which had its pros and cons, but the real moment that shock all my memories back in the day was when i was saying goodbye to one of the members, that she started crying as i was hugging her, and now me being my usual self thought she was fake sobbing at first time to lighten the mood since at the time we were both on the brink of tears, until i realised that she was actually sobbing for me ? someone that she had known for little less than a year ? someone that wasn't particularly super close with her ? and to be honest that was the moment where i realised, 'fuck do i actually mean something to these people' looking back on it now quite a few people were crying// on the brick of tears and to think that i was appreciated so much that it emotionally made them upset, was kinda of reassuring and comforting. knowing that you're genuinely cared for, that people genuinely appreciate you, well yea, that did give me some sense of warmth.

[mikroaaurora]

i'm not depressed, but i'm not happy either,,

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currently life has been treating me well, i haven't had to many down and i haven't been riding a high, but it's just been right. the both have balanced out each other.

well until now.

in the past few days i feel like i have been grieving, i can't really explain the feeling but i feel like i have been grieving my past.

don't get me wrong i'm happy with who i am now but it's just that those little things, and big things that used to be a part of my life are holding me back.

let me explain.

so to put it short i spend about my whole childhood dancing, for 12 years i did competitive dancing with a troupe and at that point in life that's all i knew.

i spent 5/7 days a week dedicated to studio time, training and practising for a flawless performance. practically by the age of 14 my parents forced me to quit dance as i "never had time to try other sports". i literally had no say whatsoever i'm this as my parents were literally the ones feeding the money into my career, hence i was forced and left devistated for about 3 years after quitting. i even remember my last performance where my friends were comforting me saying that this will be my last performance with them and i specifically remember denying any fact that i was going to quit so i simply told them that i would be back next year and we'll, i never came back.

despite my leave i never stopped dancing, more like i didn't even have control over whether i wanted to stop or not.

this is the cheesiest more overused phrase shit but i felt like i was "born to perform", and i say this because now, 4 years after i still dance, i've managed to join a coverist group and i still spend at least 3 hours a day improving my lines and strength.

now back to what i was saying, ah yes.. i'm grieving my past self because currently it's competition season and my competitive inner self misses the adrenaline of waiting on stage, breaths held, hands attached to one another, waiting for your results to be called, whether that year of your life had led up to this moment, defines everything.

but now.. right this moment now, i think i'm content with it, i can smile at posts of old friends competing and day dream about how good that all used to feel. because no matter what i need to learn to move forwards in life and not stay stuck in the past, it's nice to look back and acknowledge but i'm a different person now with the same passions but even bigger aspirations.

[mikroaaurora]

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done"

- Lucille Ball

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you know usually when someone says to you, "you only live once, make the most of it" and you kinda just shrug it off and sigh because it's such an overused saying and yea, ok fine i'll be productive tomorrow or something, that's making the most out of my life right? but just today that phrase really hit me and yea i'm going to be 19 in a few months and i'm already slipping away from my youth.

i'm not saying that i'm OLD HAHA but i'm just saying all the things i want to learn, sports i want to try are slipping away from me as i branch into adulthood.

recently i've wanted to make a start on getting back into volleyball, i used to play in highschool casually but i've always wanted to join a club, but i've pushed it to the corner of my mind for the past two years, like i have done with figure skating for the past 6 years *sigh*. to be honest this was partly because of the business of education as well as i took up competitive dancing for basically my whole childhood (and even after highschool i must admit that i did get a little lazy to think about my possibilities, and the thought of having to communicate with strangers did scare me)

apart from my "tragic" excuses what had led me up to thinking about this was that i'm sitting here thinking now, jeez i only live this life once, i'll only experience a 00:51 on saturday the 18th 2021 once, so why not go for it, why not start figure skating why not join a volleyball team bc the more i wait the older i'll get and the harder it will be for me to start and actually get good and be able to reach my goals.

and yes maybe i'm partly finding all this motivation all of a sudden because i started watching 'yuri on ice' and just finished 'sk8 the infinity' (i very much recommend both of you haven't seen!!) but i'm glad that it's pushing me to take action on my goals.

and in the end. even if i stop, at least i'll be able to say that i tried and be able to take a learning experience from it.

[mikroaaurora]

motivation fuelled by others

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Productivism: "Productivism or growthism is the belief that measurable productivity and growth are the purpose of human organization” I have never been good with being productive, hence my slow work ethic. I can usually stick at doing something for an hour, or if I’m lucky quite a few until I’m forced to stop. I get into a mindset where i'm motivated to start a task but regardless of what it is I usually get sidetracked and distracted around 80 percent of the time.

  You would think that I would have leant as I have gotten older, but sadly not. These days I sit in my room scrolling endlessly into a void that consist of opinions and values, nothing that impacts my life, actually I probably waste a decent amount of my day fascinated by what others are doing, or watching others be productive and I curl up on the couch in a blanket.

  I find it really hard to be productive, although my motivation is still there it comes alive usually around 11pm at night just before i'm about to go to bed, where I then state to myself all the things that I’m going to do for the next day but then never really get most of those things done. And in the end anyways I don’t get that really good satisfying feeling after I’ve done something anymore like I used to, maybe that’s because the task I do aren’t as big but it just makes me feel less motivated to move on.

  To be honest a lot of my motivation is fuelled by others, I literally watch YouTube videos of people being productive and studying to force myself to have the motivation to do things otherwise I would start something get distracted or just burn out after an hour. It sucks, I wish I knew how to motivate myself but I guess it’s just something I need to learn, something that will come as I grow and experience things. 

[mikroaaurora]

change

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just the other night i was laying in my bed thinking back to when times were much simpler, when i didn’t have any real responsibilities of an adult that i have now, back when i could just freely do careless things and enjoy life as it is. i’m not saying that i don’t enjoy life now, its just that.. things are so different. and you may say this bc yea i’m a virgo and virgos don’t like change. and so part of myself blames my star sign for such a stupid thing but its true. ever since i was younger i hated change, i mean its not like i had a choice to move houses, or grow up :// this could have been because i turned 18, moved houses and started university all in a very close period of time, which is probably why it’s hit me so hard. 

I used to say that i don’t really fear anything, not just to come off as cool and fearless, nothing yet truly scared me.. but now i really think that growing up is making me question whether i may fear that. i mean, getting older, taken on responsibilities, having less time to pursue simple hobbies of drawing and dance, it scares me it really does. 

[mikroaaurora]

[mikroaaurora]

[mikroaaurora]

rainy days

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so if you couldn’t guess i’m writing this yes,, because it is a rainy day. 

now i dont know what its about but i love rainy days, i love seeing the overcast weather outside, dark clouds filled with dark grey/ blue, it’s just so calming and soothing and makes me feel comfort?? coming from a place where it’s known to have hot weather and amazing summers, i actually love the winter. saying that it anyone else over here, they would think i’m crazy despite the beautiful summers but idk gloomy skies just makes me feel safe and alive :)

[mikroaaurora]

staying motivated

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these past few weeks after graduating high school has made me realise many things!! mostly on how unmotivated i have been and on how little my motivation lasts. usually my motivation sparks from watching youtube videos,, study videos, vlogs, simplistic videos that just inspire me to get up, or make something healthy. although i feel like i have nothing to do!

graduating instantly i was left with a unfamiliar feeling of not having any work, or study to do, hence i had finished all my classes which instantly left me feeling unmotivated and defiantly not productive. so i took up summer classes. (yes im insane for deciding to take on an unnecessary workload even tho i just finished stressing over one) but for some reason i’ve had a hard time sticking to staying motivated and committed to those classes as i know no ones pushing me to learn content and do the work! so instead i just watch videos of people being productive hoping to find that spark within me, i find it...eventually, but it only lasts for an hour or so until i feel bored and tired all over again.

i guess what im trying to say here is to find self-motivation. (something that i am yet to acquire)

[mikroaaurora]

[mikroaaurora]

[mikroaaurora]

[mikroaaurora]