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[milalna]

Moving abroad

Moving abroad is such a big step and then again, it’s just the same as moving to another city.

Everyone is telling you how brave and wonderful it is and everyone romanticise moving to another country. And yes, sometimes, especially in the beginning it’s exactly that. Everything is new, no one knows you, your life is a blank canvas.

But than normalcy settles in, you get to know people, you find a routine. And you realise, that you won’t become a whole new person. You are still you, you won’t suddenly think or act differently from before. It’s the people who change, they are new and get to meet the current you, without being influenced by the you from two or five years ago.

And while you are there with all the new people, only with the new people, you will see your old friends from home, together, taking these new steps with people they already know, while also making new friends. It’s hard to watch sometimes, to be left out, to not be able to be there, when everyone else is meeting up, just because you are a little bit farther away from everything. Not far enough that every trip home is an event, but not close enough to spend money for that just because. Because everyone else is home. At home and in your new home and you are by yourself. And you will ask yourself over and over again, why you didn’t just move to the city, everyone moved to. Cause it would have been so much easier, so much better you think.

It’s hard to stay in contact with friends you don’t see regularly. And sometimes it’s hard with new friends. You don’t share the same experiences from school and childhood with your new friends and your new day to day life is different from the one your friends at home have.

And when everything gets to much and you just want to return home, you start romanticising your life again. Because it is necessary that you see the good things again, because even with a routine there is so much to see, because it isn’t romanticising, if you focus on the facts. Not every fact is bad, there are a lot of good facts.

Moving to another country was the best thing I could have done. It gave me a lot of perspective on my past and the distance from everyone I know to process it and start getting better. There are still times, many times, where it is hard, when bad memories from the past mix with difficulties from the present, when I am sad and alone and don’t have the energy to get out of bed to do something. Still, I don’t think I would have realised how bad it was, if I hadn’t gotten this space, this complete new experience, without the people who have expectations out of my every day life.

I am still afraid of failure, still afraid that I made the wrong decision, still afraid of the people I left behind and of what they are thinking about me, still afraid that I don’t fit in, still afraid of a hundred more things, but finally and slowly learning to leave the old fears behind and focus on the new ones. And I finally start liking myself again, even if it still feels wrong just to say that.

Rambling again and using to much “but” and “and” on the beginning of sentences.

x Mila

[milalna]

This.

I can’t sleep

I can’t breathe

Is it possible to fall

Still standing on my feet

Wake up in a sweat

From all my vivid dreams

Trying to fix myself

So I can spread my wings

-theriskyredhead