milkmatchas

[milkmatchas]

Woah heck okay first of all of the “hate the sin love the sinner” quote is from Hamilton I already love you. Okay okay sorry I’m awkward. So second of all, I’m having a reeeeallllly hard time picking my name?? Like my partner used Aaron for me (we had too many Alex’s when my name was such at the time) and it stuck and I liked it and so does everyone else but I need a more masculine name to get away from some of my femininity that’s left since I know a lot of transphobes and I’m dying. Help?? 😭

god, I feel so terrible that I didn’t get to answer this ask when it was actually relevant– please accept my absolute sincerest apologies @thenewtransactivists ;0;

but to answer the question as if it were still relevant, just for the sake of answering it– I personally love the name Aaron/Erin/etc (the way it is pronounced out loud) because it is ambiguous in the sense that it isn’t necessarily a unisex name, inherently– but said aloud, it could be either be interpreted as “Aaron” in the masculine sense, “Erin” in feminine, or a name I tried going by for a while, “Arin”, which I considered to be unisex (I LOVE that name tbh, but by the point I tried using it, people had already pretty much rebranded me as ‘Niko’ for good hahah), or simply bungle the listener to the point where they’re unsure, and give up on assuming your gender?

I am so, so sincerely sorry I was too late to answer your question, and I hope you’ve gotten everything worked out into a better situation, name-wise (I’m checking out your page in a second~), please feel free to message me again if you’d like to chat sometime!! We seem to have some in common, I’d love to get acquainted sometime~

[milkmatchas]

U look like an autistic retard with downs syndrome

dear lord.

I’m not going to encourage you to troll me harder, buddy, because shit messages like this aren’t nice for you to write, or for me to have to read through, but I honestly don’t even feel like you were trying with this? wow.

[milkmatchas]

you're really cute but i bet you aren't single

omg are you even a real person–

unless this message has been rotting in my inbox for over 2½ years, then I’m not single, no. I’ve been with my current (but also first, mind you) boyfriend since 12/27/16

here’s a picture of us dressed as the Humbolt penguins Hululu + Grape-Kun:

[milkmatchas]

oh my god there’s a LOT of notifications for my inbox from when I wasn’t checking this site/app my AVPD tendencies are telling me to never open my inbox again out of anxiety, but I know the right thing to do is to check it and see what went down there while I was gone. So, here comes a potential backlog of old asks + new replies? (⌯˃̶᷄ ﹏ ˂̶᷄⌯)|||

[milkmatchas]

M1NTSU ---> milkmatchas

same old average me in my daily attire: devil horn hat, enamel pins, vintage windbreakers, 1940′s Japanese coin necklace.

living with my bf at my parents’ and soon restarting college slow + steady through online classes, which I’m mildly proud of I guess. but I’m also struggling as I watch my peers I grew up with graduating in recent weeks, going off to grad school, doing all the things I wish I could do were I not permanently sick to the point of being disabled.

I could go into detail about recent procedures I’ve had, how much I despise being sick, but you’ve heard it all before. I’m also watching and praying for a friend in Brasil who can’t get anywhere bc his town is out of gas, and will be ou of food and water in a couple of days due to national crisis. That puts a lot of my ‘problems’ into perspective, too.

so, hello from chronic illness hell-- please send well wishes to the people of Brasil for me-- they need it more than I do tbh.

[milkmatchas]

Photoshoot Favorites: RO-500 -- 7/1/15 KISO KAI NI -- 5/28/16 Maeda Toshirou-- 1/1/16 Suzie Q -- 5/29/16 posting for a new friend's reference, but I figured you guys/anybody might enjoy these, too~

[milkmatchas]

so I just found out that the manager who hired me at the job I had pending was let go a few days after he promised me the job. and my family danced around telling me all week. Even after I had my mom feel the material of the shirts I'd ordered to wear to work ("so soft!" I told her; she agreed) Told them how excited I was that things are finally working out. My dad just accidentally 'let it slip', apparently unaware that nobody had 'let it break' to me yet. I have a very levelheaded friend giving me guidance now-- the same one who got me an in with the manager who was fired, and said nothing when it happened, ofc. He got me the name of the new manager, told me she's free first thing in the morning tomorrow. I have to reinterview. But for, I'm trembling, and I can hardly breathe-- and it's been about an hour since I found out. For the first hour, I was too ashamed to even tell my bf, let alone even vent on Tumblr (come to find out, my bf has known since yesterday, and he found out from a family friend...) This is like a strange nightmare-- and if I don't get that job in the end, it will be the most humiliating experience of my life.

[milkmatchas]

tbh I joke about having brain cancer, but I’ve done a lot of research and

I have almost every single symptom on the long list of characterizing symptoms of Neuroblastoma, specifically. it would explain so many of my straggling symtpoms we’ve never been able to figure out or tie to any of my other illnesses.

but I don’t want dying this young, with this much ahead of me to be a possibility. I don’t want neuroblastoma to be an option, even if it makes sense.

I’m almost thankful nobody takes assuming temporary webmd self-diagnosis seriously. that they’d laugh at me if I brought it up as a possibility, so it’s not a possibility, if I compartmentalize it that much.

I’m so scared. my anxiety hasn’t been this bad maybe in years, as of these new eye problems. these are also similar to the eye issues + neck weakness my dad displayed before that mystery illness where he almost died 3 times recently, if any of you remember that

nothing can console me right now. I am in anxious agony.

[milkmatchas]

more chai updates

✩ Got a job at JOANN Fabric and Craft, thus ending the lengthy job odyssey. manager seems extremely accommodating to disabilities, which is a major ++

✩ Made some little memorial paw print impressions of my big doggo’s paw, because he turned 10 years old this month (and I wanted a permanent memento of him, as he doesn’t wear a collar/dog tag)! Pretty long lived and healthy for a breed with an average lifespan of 7-8 years-- no signs of pain or disability, either~

✩ Speaking of disabilities, I think I’ve developed a strabismus, which is just a fancy word for ‘lazy eye’. For those who aren’t familiar with my illnesses, it’s quite common in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome due to hypermobility/laxness in the muscles in your skull that move your eyeballs around. 

My brother has had many strabismus in each eye, and three corrective surgeries-- twice in one and once in the other. He doesn’t give two shits about his appearance (which he attributes to his aspergers) and isn’t squeamish about eyes, though.

For me, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE that I’ve literally been dreading since my brother first had one of his eyes start to drift. It’s getting harder to read. I’m extremely squeamish about eye stuff, and the concept of semi-conscious surgery on my EYE makes me literally tear up and tremble (I am rn, tbh). From a superficial angle, I’ve always been slightly creeped out/unsettled by lazy eyes (starting when I first met someone with a wall eye-- my 8th grade geometry teacher), because I feel like the other person is acting unpredictably, and that I could be being watched without knowing-- other unreasonable anxiety things. I don’t want to be that person making other people feel uncomfortable with my freaky, pathetic drifting eye that I can’t control or see with...

I swear, there were going to be more bullet points to this post-- including one really fun, important one-- but now I just. I can’t. I’m kind of busy despairing over the depth-perception and reading issues I’m having, and letting my anxiety blow it up into worst case scenarios in my head (brain cancer. it’s definitely brain cancer.) 

I’m going to take some anxiety meds, make a lavender tea, and study up on product photography staging and graphic web design...

[milkmatchas]

my beloved, favorite grandmother died yesterday, and I have an important, serious job interview tomorrow.

which makes today like the horrible cream filling day right in between those two, that tastes like anxiety, heartbreak, fear, etc...

I want to cry out for help, but I suppose the only person who can really cope with this death and ace this interview for me, in the end, is myself. life isn’t going to pause for me to catch my breath, so I need to get my shit together as I keep moving.

I can do this.

I can.

[milkmatchas]

⋆ original story ideas??

I’ve had ideas floating in my head for aaages for an original story, with character concepts and all, but I’ve only ever shared it with one friend

for a hobby, I’m thinking of doing a little writing/character building on a separate blog with the cast, but idk if anyone would actually be interested?? It’s a diverse cast of 6 characters-- some gay/bi, one trans, one crossdressing, one agender robot-- if I write short bios about them here, 

will you like this post if you’d be interested in following a sideblog/ reading more about these characters and their story?

✧ MAIN CHARACTERS ✧

Aitana ‘Ai’ Novus [ai-TAH-nuh NO-vus] 20y | Cis Female | Unknown

Adopted daughter of Avalon’s ultra-rich media mogul Seneca Novus, of Novus Corp. The original ‘idolhero’, she is a high-profile celebrity who also utilizes cutting edge technology, exceptional physical ability, and seemingly surreal capabilities (sometimes seeming unconstrained by the forces of gravity at all) to keep crime in the city of Renestra in check. She seems so flirty, flashy, lively in all the press spots that Ione has seen, it’s a wonder what Aitana is actually like in person…

Ione ‘Yo’ Vega [ee-oh-ney  vey-guh] 18y | Cis Female | Bisexual

Initially thought to be an average, incapable 18yo girl, getting her life together on a gap year—until she is suddenly and reluctantly pulled into Aitana’s glamorous, fast-paced world during a trip to Avalon. Grew up on Varonus III, and enjoys  VR video games, caffeinated beverages, and small animals. Seems to be growing increasingly prone to deva vu?

Zeno Ender 19y | Trans Male | Heterosexual

A childhood friend of Ione’s, who grew up in a large orphanage on Varonus III with his brother Vinz, among others. Energetic and quirky, he is almost never seen without his older brother, and has big dreams of becoming a spaceship pilot. Claims to be Aitana Novus’ biggest fan, both before and after getting to know her and being consistently rejected. Though he is consistently getting injured as he finds his way into trouble, his wounds seem to heal unusually quickly, which only serves to get him up and out into mischief soon again…

Vinz Ender 21y | Cis Male | Demisexual?

A stern, quiet, and highly mysterious man of Varonisian origin. He is something of a mercenary bodyguard, taking odd jobs where he can use his imposing stature, intimidating glare, and immense strength to protect those who need it. Seems to enjoy gardening and the science of botany, in general. Extremely protective and attached to his little brother Zeno.

Princess Illuvé Yvalia ni Aethora IV [yoo-vey  ee-VAL-yuh  nee  AE-tho-ruh] Age ?? | “Female” | Unknown

a beautiful, wealthy young alien princess visiting Avalon from a distant galaxy to find the next prince or princess to marry who will rise to help rule her planet in luxury and reverence. Illuve is lovable and flirtatious, and enjoys recanting tales of her charmed life back on her home planet. however, pretty appearances are not always as they seem; you can get a lot further in life when you’re the beautiful princess of your planet-- as part of a distant and little-known alien race-- than you can when you’re a charming yet manipulative boy of a second-class caste, with a hunger for power and wealth.

NIM [Nightly Improvement Machine] Age Unknown | Genderless | Asexual

Unit of a model of NIMU, humanoid androids meant to blend in unassumingly among the masses, performing subservient maintenance and cleaning tasks in the home and across the city under cover of night. Because they were built to work at night, they have something of a split personality—childish, petulant, needy, and stubborn during the day, turning to helpful, responsible, neurotic, sometimes bordering on controlling at night or in prolonged darkness. Enjoys doodling (the skill level of which—oddly—ranges from a childs chickenscratch to cute artwork), is highly attached to their tacky/oversize windbreaker, and most often refers to themself in the the third person.

[milkmatchas]

creating a new D&D character for a Prince of the Apocalypse (all chaotic and/or Evil aligned) campaign >:3

I was last to be invited/added to the group, so I essentially got last pick of race and class (I don’t like stacking/doubling, because I’m a hipster/idk I rly like designing unique characters??) and ended up making this moeblob

a 10yo Windsoul Genasi Bard, who-- though she does not initially have evil intent-- has a penchant for chaos (Chaotic Neutral), and ends up idolizing a party of downright villainous characters, which taints her young, undeveloped sense of ethics and morality.

her name is Fu Tempeste-- ‘Fu’ because it sounds like blowing air (dhfskjdfh what a dumb name I KNOW LOL) and ‘Tempeste’ because ‘tempest’.  she plays a Dizi (chinese bamboo flute) which her great Djinn mother is eternally trapped within, and a lyre, and I can’t wait to make up really stupid, childish songs in character as her dfhskf

[milkmatchas]

my day today btw

eyes: u ever wonder what it would feel like if we were full of burning acid brain: did u miss that ‘palinopsia’ thing I used to do where everything that moved left a ton of after-images eye drops: did u know that chemicals squirted on ur eyes can drip down ur nasal passage and onto the back of ur tongue and taste like poison bile me: you guys are making it rly difficult to get to the kitchen and wash this flavor out of my mouth. pls stop for just 5 seconds??

[milkmatchas]

sometimes I wish the creator of the ‘spoon theory’ had used knives in her original analogy that started it all instead of spoons

because I mean. how edgy and hardcore would chronic illness and those of us in the community look if that were our metaphor/symbol? 

“yeah I’d love to go to the movies today, but I’m all outta knives rn”

[milkmatchas]

to my fellow spoonies/ chronically ill pals on here with invisible illnesses, specifically: HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THIS PATCH THO?? ? I love this Etsy seller-- have bought enamel pins from her, and the quality is top-notch-- so I was checking out her store again on Etsy when I saw THIS!? Instantly thrown into my basket. I'm going to check my credit balance, but probably end up impulse buying it and sewing or ironing it onto the nearest object the minute it arrives agdhagdjsv

[milkmatchas]

wearing Hoppou / Northern Princess today, and have nobody to hang out with before and after my photoshoot... what a sad day _(:3 」∠)_

[milkmatchas]

apparently my room plans for Anime Expo were a scam, which means I have nowhere to stay for an event that’s in less than two weeks.

as if I didn’t have a hard enough time finding a “room” a month ago, it’s probably impossible, now. 

I’ve been preparing for this for months, and was making great progress. this was supposed to be the biggest thing I did all year. I am absolutely crestfallen.