mimimangos

[mimimangos]

I think i was just in a depressive episode for like 2 or 3 weeks?? Maybe 4? I can't really tell. Yesterday it suddenly felt like a switch flipped or something and suddenly im able to shower and take the trash out. I'm really disappointed because I feel like I was asleep for two weeks and I missed so much of my summer already. I destroyed any progress I made in my weight loss. Ive been outside like once in two weeks, only to take the trash out cause it was too full to use.

I don't know what caused it and I don't know what ended it and I'm angry and sad that it happened and scared it'll happen again.

And this isnt the first time ive had a depressive episode (i think, idk im undiagnosed) but maybe the first time I've had one while 1) not at "home" and 2) not during the academic year. I feel like living at home is not conducive to my thriving. It's cluttered and dirty, my mom's hoarding makes it hard to vaccuum the years of shedding from our husky, its moldy and buggy, and my brother leaves the kitchen dirty and my mom abuses the dog and we never have food, and idk i just cant imagine having to live there AND hold a job like id kms lol. And during the school year I dont think I can even notice the start or end of a depressive episode cause Im so overloaded with stress already. So it's interesting to feel this one when im in an apartment i really like, and out of school for the summer.

[mimimangos]

I finished my skin care and I made oatmeal with yogurt and a poptart crumbled over it like granola and I'm watching my show and then I'm gonna go to bed early so I can work out in the morning before work life is ok at least in this moment

[mimimangos]

I don't know where I'll be living in the next 2 months. I need a coop this fall or they might kick me out of school for taking too long. I could take another leave of absence but then I'll take even longer to finish this degree. I need a job for the summer for groceries but it's already June, who would hire someone for barely two months? Maybe I'll keep working there part time during school. I'll have to get another loan for housing if I stay here.

[mimimangos]

Bro im so good at being Normal now I just closed a meeting by going "Allllright I think thats everything. So, I'll see you guys on monday, happy friday."

Even if it was just acting and spouting my prescripted lines, the way i managed to pull it off like im just a normal person was mindblowing to me. It's like I leveled up my Being a Person skill

Dude I feel like this mf

[mimimangos]

im struggling recently

[mimimangos]

they say you can't pour from an empty cup but i've been doing it my whole life and aside from all of these mysterious ailments it's working out great for me

[mimimangos]

I just ate an oreo for the first time in like 6 years and holy shit. No wonder people go crazy over them they're fantastic

[mimimangos]

I dont think ive ever actually been comfortable around a person. Like friends, parents, anybody. Idk

[mimimangos]

Someone said "what wpuld you be doing right now if you werent overloaded with trying to be productive" and like, my only answer is like, idk sitting here. I dont really have any hobbies or things i do outside of school and stressing about getting an internship.

My mom made school our number one priority and our entire lives. During summer I never really did anything but sit in my room. because I didn't have a life outside of school. Because we weren't allowed to.

So now im an adult that has no life outside of school and work.

[mimimangos]

Something switched just now and they/them is suddenly feeling kinda right？well, it would be she/they but still, this is new .3.

[mimimangos]

may 9

My last shift this semester was 3 days ago, and my last final was 2 days ago, so I've just been bedrotting since then.

Towards the end of finals my sleep schedule started to get a lil crazy (bed at 4am, wake up at 2pm) so ive been trying to bring it back to normal. The issue is I'm SO sleepy and I just can't wake up, especially if there's nothing urgent I need to wake up for like a class, or group project meeting, or work. I'm sleeping for like 12 hours 💀

Yesterday I went to bed at 12:30-1 ish and I had my alarm set for 10:30. Pretty normal, i think. But I turned it off and went back to sleep, woke up at 12:30. Then I rolled around my bed scrolling tiktok and playing on my ds until like 4pm (Okay but my roommates parents were here helping her move out and I didn't wanna be in their way using the kitchen and stuff, plus my hair was crazy, my face is crusty with acne, and I was unshowered. I really did NOT want to be seen. I even waited for them to go put stuff in the trunk for 5 mins so I could run to the bathroom and back to my room 💀)

Then believe it or not, after sleeping 12 hours and then doing nothing but laying around, I was STILL tired enough to take a nap. I think I napped until about 8, so like 4 hrs? That means within a 24 hr period, I slept for 16 hours 😭😭😭. It's okay I'm just recovering from the semester. Honestly this kinda happens at the end of every semester.

Then when I woke up at 8, I decided to finally eat (roommate and her parents were out). So I ate, watched some Netflix, played more ds, and decided to go walk in the gym at 12am lmaooo so I walked for abt an hour and a half while scrolling tiktok and then rewatching solo leveling. Now it's 2am. For some reason I decided to put on concealer, eyeliner, and mascara to go to the gym at midnight and now I have to wash it off 🤡

Also my other roommate's friend is crashing in the living room for a few days so that's fun and awkward. He's nice enough though, shouldn't be too bad, but I'll feel gross again walking around without makeup and my hair looking insane :P

I'm glad I went for a walk though, I feel good 👍

[mimimangos]

Sometimes I get self conscious or feel bad about taking a long time in the kitchen, like hogging the kitchen for a long time. Which a long time to me is 30+ minutes but realistically if I'm cooking for say, an hour, odds are most of that time is spent waiting for the thing to actually cook and I'm probably in just my room.

That said, what could my roommate POSSIBLY be doing in the kitchen for the past FIVE HOURS??? Like get out??? is she doing her homework over the sink or something?? get out get out get out get out I need to cook too?

Oh ok I *just* now for the first time heard her preheat the oven, so she HAS been making food I guess? But literally what could possibly take THIS long to prepare. I know she doesn't cook often but still?

And I know there's no rule that I can't go make my food while she makes her food, but idk I hate doing that. It's awkward and annoying and we have ro squeeze around each other to get to the fridge or the trash and wait to take turns to use the sink I literally can't stand it

Someone being in the kitchen for hours and hours when I want to make food is probably a top 5 pet peeve of mine. I can't wait to live alone someday

[mimimangos]

There's so many things I want to do, I just can't get my brain and my body to do them. Hell, half the time I can't get my brain to remember it even enjoys doing stuff unless I'm on stimulants.

[mimimangos]

I'm like if a type A mind was trapped inside a type B body so basically I hate myself and can't stand the burden of keeping myself alive. what type is that

[mimimangos]

Minus one kill myself because I have no finals or assignments and i don't work tomorrow OR the next day so I could literally sleep for 48 hours straight if I wanted to right now I'm so happy

[mimimangos]

Just realized I forgot to change from the paper thin tshirt bra I wore under my outfit today to a regular bra for under my work tshirt, so my nips were probably on full display the entire time I was at work I'm gonna triple kill myself ohh my god

[mimimangos]

Got my period and bad cramps and woke up feeling like I was seconds from vomiting for like 2 hours straight... the morning that I need to finish, hand in, and discuss my final paper with my professor. I couldn't make our 8:10 meeting and emailed like 2 entire paragraphs apologizing and begging to meet later to which he replied "10:50 is ok. See you then."

This is also the same class where my stomach growled really loud. I'm gonna double kill my self.