mintytoffee

[mintytoffee]

Mood Swings

It was my 21st birthday few days back and I was elated that I was able to spend my birthday with my sister. The day after, I started my internship and walking in heels around town to pass out brochures were painful. But it made me realise and learn from the experience. The pain and blisters are still there though.

Fast forward to this early morning when my good friend was so excited for me to come over to her place but I told her I couldn’t go over and spend time with her, knowing I had my assignment to do and I wasn’t feeling as happy and energetic as I should be or could be. From the way she texted me, I knew she was disappointed by me...again. I just realised she might have something planned for my birthday or just genuinely want to spend time with me but I pushed her away, just like any other person in my life.

I hope she’d still be my friend and would understand that sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to anyone and I would sit on my bed and stare at the walls, feeling empty on the inside. If my feelings were to catch a certain emotion, they were most likely be sadness because I have been feeling down and sad all day. It’s not something I have control over. I might or might not have control since I allowed myself to cry as much as I would like to today.

I feel like we are expected to be happy, always smiling and always interacting with someone in our lives. I think we can feel a little down sometimes and it’s perfectly normal. You can yell, cry and scream as much as you want. I talk to myself sometimes when things do not go as planned. Honestly even the happiest and cheerful people you met in your life aren’t that happy as you perceive them to be.

Anyways, this has been quite a rant. I just feel like I keep pushing everyone away because of my sudden mood change. Sometimes or to be honest, most of the time, I feel like I’m not enough for the world, for the people around me as well as for myself. How can I better myself as a person? How can I learn to be more firm? And honestly, can I ever love again?

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Old friends?

Some friends are worth keeping and some just drift away. Today I reconnect with some old buddies from my old school and realise that there is a reason why I don’t keep in touch. The way we think, the way we talk, the way we respond to situations and the way we treat people are so different that I’m amazed.

But then I remember our first meeting and my first impression of that friend. It wasn’t pleasant nor unpleasant. Actually cut that bull****, I didn’t like that friend from the beginning. Even though we reached our twenties, I feel like the first impression of that friend still remained deep in my mind. No matter if everyone thinks she’s amazing and overly friendly, I will always have the same perception and image of her.

Yes, she is bold and outspoken with good leadership qualities. Her extroverted side draws many people towards her and most of my old friends still liked her a lot.

I, for one, think she is alright. But to remain close friends with her, I would rather locked that door shut. I would open my window and wave at her if she ever passes by but never will I let her into my space and life. Because she does not deserve any of my attention and she probably doesn’t even care about me anyway.

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2am thoughts

I don’t like feeling this way...it’s suffocating and I do not dare to say anything. Anything I say will not be good for me or her. So I’m just escaping for a little while for her to be in her happy place. Because her happy place is not my happy place and it might ignite some sort of ugly emotion inside of me. I should cool down my mind and let my mind wander far away for a little while. I should find my own happy place soon...

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Moving on...?

Here’s something I have written just now after I discovered something I feel like I shouldn’t have but will be good for me to know in order to move on. With those feelings in mind and heart, I scribbled a fictional situation to show how I was and still am feeling. Enjoy ♡

——

My chest tightened slightly and my breath hitched. The drizzling rain somehow found its way into my shirt and it felt cooling on my heated skin. Stopping in my tracks, I gazed at a pair of lovely couple heading towards my direction. I couldn’t moved away from where I was standing as they walked past my right, bickering and laughing, with his loving gaze on her entire being. As he looked up, our eyes met and he showed a small smile. It wasn’t a smile to greet or anything like that. It was a sad smile, but it was much more than that. It was a smile that said, “Thanks for loving me when I couldn’t love myself. I have moved on with my life and you should do the same too.”

I returned his smile with a slight nod and also a smile. I was glad he found someone after all these years. Our relationship was warm, loving and yet somewhat immature. All we had was blushing when we saw each other and heart-throbbing moments. What we have was just an intense crush on each other. Love, obviously was and still is more than that. Love is understanding, encouraging, forgiving and laughing with that special someone. Something we never had in the first place. As we shared our eye contact, she noticed a change in his expression and looked straight at where he laid his eyes on with curious eyes. Surprisingly her face lightened up and she smiled brightly, ending our brief encounter with a wave. As they walked past me, I heard her whispering (yet loud enough for me to hear) voice, “She seemed lovely!” Without turning my head, I already knew what his expression and gestures towards her will be: he would just give her a wide smile and ruffle her hair lightly while he attempts to nuzzle his head against hers softly. That was what he always do whenever he feels sad with a tinge of guilt.

I guess…I should move on too.

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It has been a long time since I posted here. I promise I will keep on sharing my foodie/adventure pictures and sometimes a little ranting time would be good for my mental wellbeing too. Cheers.

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I found these windows satisfying I have no idea why

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different shades of lipstick

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today's cravings ✨✨

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what keeps me happy 24/7

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Stripped Shirts

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“What is this?  Hum must be something for Maru to climb into.”  AND “something for Hana to squish Maru down into.” 

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cutie

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Pretty

(All credits to http://weheartit.com/entry/173058663)

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trying to get a good shot of my chocolate cookie like