miseryintheshadows-blog

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

On the Up.

With the right person, you will begin to doubt your past relationships. Don’t let this happen, because most likely, the reason you think your past relationships would have worked, should you have just been as nice to your current is because your current is bringing the best out of you. Bettina has been so good to me, amazing conversationalist, aligned perspective on life, and as outgoing as I am. She is extremely talented and hardworking. I appreciate getting to know this woman and continuing to build a relationship with her.

Out of talking to her, I catch myself thinking and giving credit to my ex for helping realize what I was doing wrong in our relationship, and thinking maybe it was just my fault and if I had been as good to Bettina to my ex, that we wouldn’t have had issues. Then I also correct myself and remind myself that the reason I am this good to Bettina is because she brings it out of me and makes me feel as if I could be comfortable and trusting with her. She doesn’t give me a reason to doubt her, as she’s truly open and transparent. Our communication is clear. Now, I have to provide a few disclosures to myself in order to help myself. In a way, they are defenses, walls, whatever. I need to remember that we definitely ARE in the honeymoon phase of our relationship and that there will be MANY more challenges and disagreements we will have. One concern I noticed today is that she is very caring about trees, animals, nature, etc. Not to say that I want adversity for said things, but I also know that in my list of priorities these are definitely lower compared to my priorities of Career, Family, Relationships, and humankindness. Humanity is at the core of my beliefs and I want the better for everyone. Nature and everything, though crucial to our ecosystem, are not as important as ensuring that humanity is saved. I believe that in order to help nature, we must help ourselves heal and be better first. This way, we can solve the source of the issue.

Backtracking to Bettina, I have to admit that I appreciate that our conversations have mainly been a mixture of teasing each other, joking, daily life, but with a subtle mix of philosophy and concepts. We have GREAT intellectual conversations. She is an absolute blessing in my life and makes me happy. What’s more is that yes, we may have AMAZING sex. (The best in my life, actually), but we also have a lot to build our relationship on top of as well. I believe that because we have great conversational skills, we may be able to make it work. I am optimistic. Again, could be the honeymoon emotions clouding my logic and judgment, but based off of pure emotion, I haven’t had many moments where I feel left out to dry or hung up. I enjoy what we have and I cherish it.

I also appreciate that she is someone who I feel comfortable introducing to people. She won’t be awkward and would try to initiate a conversation to get to know others. She is JUST like me in that regard. She is also very loud and fun with her coworkers, just like how I like to be, and I don’t sense any jealousy with her even though I work with women. I introduced her to Gelli so far, and I didn’t get any hints of her feeling any other way. I am working on my subconscious in the same respects, because I had a lot of trust issues in my past. I’m definitely improving, but I know I am not 100%. I think the best way for me to get there is truly to keep working on improving myself. I believe that my confidence has risen due to my recent health and lifestyle changes, and I feel great about it. I am able to talk to people way more easily, and people are actually nicer when you look good too. Hard facts, based off of biology and science… not based off of opinion. People feel more trusting around good looking people. It’s the Ethos complex, really.  With that said, I can do better for US (Bettina and I) by improving on myself. I want her to know that I want her to keep pushing and working harder towards her goals and that this relationship should ONLY be something that supports both of our ambitions rather than hinder it. I don’t want to fall back into a trap hole. I do not want to lose sight of my goals and dreams again. I believe with the understanding and support system we are establishing for each other already (like saying “GO!!!” if the other needs to go for a meeting or work related) will only help us more.

My only small fear/self-consciousness is such: I am worried that our conversations may cease at one point. This is my true single, proof of whether this relationship is meant to be and if it would be successful FOR LIFE. Because of the distance and obstacles (such as time differences), this is a HUGE test for us. I am worried we may run out of things to talk about. I am worried that I may bore her (even though when I think of it, she’s just like me. With good company and friends, we’ll NEVER run out of things. Like Simon!). She has been a great friend so far. She brings value to our relationship table

I genuinely love this girl.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Fml Break me

Is it normal?

That every time I see your face on my phone, I feel disheartened? Is it normal that I want to avoid anything that reminds me of you, because I know you wouldn’t contact me back?

I know you’re working hard. I know. But you put 100% in your work, but can’t even give me 1% at the end of the day. No good nights. No i love you. Nothing.

I feel worthless because of you.

These are what hurt. And even though I try to talk to you about it, you pretend to care for a day, then drop it the next. You are totally lying to me so much. We should take a break. I don’t even want to have to expect your contact. If we take a break, at least I know you won’t be reaching out. That way I won’t be set up for disappointment.

All i fucking want is for you to show me you love me. I just wanted to see it.

I have codependence issues. If you don’t understand it, or don’t want to be troubled by it, you shouldn’t take me up. I’m too much for you to handle. I get it.

Maybe we’re better off as friends. Maybe we should have stayed that way. Because after you get comfortable, you forget about me. You stop caring. You don’t care. Fml.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

A Break. Not really.

I’m not going to lie. Two things running through my mind right now involve either me breaking up with her or me killing myself. I hate coming back home. I hate being alone so much. When I am out for work, I am distracted. I am at peace with my craft. I am happy. When I am home, all I could think about is her. Why hasn’t she texted me? Why hasn’t she called me? It’s 2:30. She should have gotten off of work by now. Okay, 4pm. Maybe I should initiate our conversation again. Is all of this anxiety and self doubt worth it? I am literally wondering what did I do wrong to do this? Why am I such a shitty boyfriend? Is it wrong that I want her to contact me every day? Is that too much to ask? I can’t help but think that I did not want this. I did not want a long-distance relationship. Yet, I’m thrown into one. I don’t respect myself enough, and that’s how I get treated by everyone else. I question the purpose of life during these trying times. These times when I am left alone with my thoughts. I am thinking maybe she would be happier with someone else. Someone new. Someone who works with her. Maybe that’s for the better. As for me, I’ll have to just wait longer until I either eventually kill myself completely or hopefully find love again. My friends see I am miserable. My friends see I am needy. I vocalize and express how I feel to so many people, but at the same time no one is really listening. But I cannot blame others. My happiness is the responsibility of myself and myself only.

Back to the question… I don’t know what I should do. Should I practice patience and hope that the future turns out better? Should I take this as a sign to a dead end relationship? Should I try harder? Is it my fault? Is it a lot that I ask for more sexuality with her? Did I make a mistake getting back together with her. Should I just ask her to be friends with benefits instead? I don’t know. I really don’t. I would hate to go through the breakup process again. But seeing how this is going so far, it’s definitely not working. I am definitely not happy. And we are definitely not in sync. Am I holding myself back? Am I a fool? All of this pain and worry takes such a toll on me. I don’t know what I should do anymore.

She does not tell me she misses me. She doesn’t show me that she thinks or cares about me. She definitely puts me on the backburner when it comes to replying or whatever. She doesn’t really value me. Not to how I perceive it at least.

Maybe we should take a break. Maybe I need to try to think of something else for a while. Let her focus on what she wants to without having to burden her to talk/see me.

I’ll do it.

It would go as such. Hey, I want to start off by telling you that I love you. I always have. But right now, I think that you should focus on yourself. I don’t see that I am part of your plan

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Still don’t understand

After all this time of me crying over the phone and telling her how I felt, she finally says she understood why I was upset and unhappy. She summarized about what I said and our lack of communication over this long distance thing. She keeps asking, “so it’s my fault?” Before. But she said that she understood and I broke down crying. Finally. Finally I may get progress, I think. But she then goes quiet on the phone. Says she’s getting tired. Then says she has to do laundry and hangs up. I thought you understood. I thought you meant what you just said. I’m still left a wreck. I’m still emotionally tortured. We’re so far but yet so far still. We have come ao far, but still stay emotionally distant. Why can I have friends who talk to me longer than we do on the phone? What even makes us in a relationship anymore? The concept of a monogamous relationship where I have no physical relationship? Don’t you realize that by leaving me, yet telling me that we are atill together that you just left me on an unattended leash? I’m a loyal dog, waiting for your uncertain return. I am sitting, depressed, waiting in the rain, but for what? I don’t know what I am waiting for. I don’t know when you would return. But those small moments when you talk to me, I am happy. I get offset with a little bit of joy. But I’m still unhappy. This isn’t like you went away for college and will eventually be back. This is you moving away indefinitely. This is me waiting for something I don’t know. I will die inside slowly. I will die inside over time. You don’t understand, but I sometimes I don’t want to exist. You did this to me. You didn’t think of how I felt or how I would feel. But my question is why did you even want to get back with me? Why do you want this? I am here, fully loyal and devout, but this is how you leave me. It’s not fair.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

No pickup. No reply.

I don’t feel loved. I feel like the more I try, the more people are repelled from me. People stop responding or replying. My girlfriend doesn’t reply on messenger or answer my calls. I feel so trapped. I have nowhere to go. I don’t know what to do with my life right now. I have flashes of anxiety. I have to fly out for a job in a few days, and I feel like there’s nothing/nowhere I can go. This is so hard for me. I don’t have anyone. I am so lonely. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what I did wrong. What steps am I not taking? Why won’t she talk to me? Why doesn’t she call anymore? I have asked her to talk to me more. I have asked her to communicate with me. I have asked her to please reply to me if I text. Should these even be things I have to beg for? By ignoring me, you are making me more anxious and self-conscious. I really don’t know if you’re just done with me and want to break up, but just didn’t. Like why else would you just move away from me? If you moved away to be away from me, I wish you would have just broken up with me instead. This does not feel like a relationship. It barely even feels like a friendship. You’re not here to support me. You are not helping me. BUT I do everything I can to support you along the way. What kind of relationship is this? I am in so much pain and all you offer me are ambiguous assurances that it will be all ok soon. When is soon? I have nothing tangible. I am so empty inside. I am so alone and it really sucks. I don’t want to be here right now. I am not happy with my life.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Missed Call. No call.

It’s 3:30. She gets off work at 2:30, takes 30 mins to get to car by shuttle. By now, she is at least on the road. She usually called around 2:30 soon as she got off. Then at 3 when she got to her car. Now, I don’t know. Maybe she won’t call at all. I waited all day. And she does not know how I feel. I wait all day to get to talk to her. Wishing and craving for more interaction. I think we’re nearing the end again. She will probably find someone else. It’s just due time until she will tell me that it’s not working out anymore. And she would want to see other people. I have a gut feeling. Praying I’m wrong, but expecting the worst.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

No Call, No Comtact

When you just want companionship and the world tells you to fuck off. My girlfriend moved away to San Francisco, and now our communication is reduced to a single, under 10 minute phone call a day. She does not reply to my text messages, and has different moods whenever I try to reach out to her. It has become the point where she spends more time with other people than she does communicating with me at all. She only reaches out when she needs something or has a problem. I, on the other hand will do whatever is within my means to help her out to the best of my ability. After getting robbed alst night, she called me. It was nice, she messaged me more words of empathy, but after a few small exchanges, she hung up/didn’t text anymore. She probably went to bed. Then, today I was awoken to her calling me at 8 am. She was checking on me. She then called again around 4:20pm or so. She said she went out with her coworker(s) to get some boba. I mean it’s great that she is settling in and meeting new people, but I feel almost like she is emotionally evolving without me. I lost my partner. I lost my companion. I feel so alone and lonely nowadays. My friends barely respond. My family isn’t around. I have thoughts of suicide. I am getting lonelier and relapsing into depression more and more. This is not the life I wanted. This is not the relationship I wanted. I feel so fucking unwanted. I feel so worthless. No one values me. Everyone wants to take, but does not reciprocate. I wish my girlfriend thought of me more. I wish she cared more. I wish she showed that she cared more. I am so alone. I am so lonely. It’s almost like we broke up, but worse, because I can’t move on. I am perpetually stuck feeling alone and lonely while she gets the freedom of making new friends. She decided to move on and build her life away from me. Maybe it was a sign that I should have picked up on. I wish she empathized more. Because I told her countless of times before that I did not want a long distance relationship. I did not want her moving away. Yes, a lot of things I wanted, but rarely any fulfilled. I love her so much. I fear losing her constantly. But I am so far away that I practically don’t have any choice. I hate being alone. I always did. I sacrificed my social life just for her, and she leaves me just like that. The world hates me. It wants me to disappear. My only fear of suicide is disappointing my mom and dad. I do not want them to live in constant pain. My dad sacrificed so much himself already. I can never understand how he is so resilient.

Dear world,


Right now, at this moment, I do not want to exist. I am very sad and lonely. I need a sign.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Is it normal?

That everytime she ignores me, I feel like putting a bullet through my head?

I wish I was dead?

I wonder why I let her walk all over me?

Is it unconditional love?

Or is it me not standing up for myself?

I don’t know why life does this to me. What did I do to deserve this? I’m so fucking miserable.

After all that I have done for her. After helping her move. After taking so much time out to wait on her and all. All i crave and want in return is some affection. Some signs of love. Something. But no, if she is tired, she will shut me out. Good night, good bye. Fuck me.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Hello Old Friend.

I thought I was out of this depression. I’m wrong. I am not happy. I feel so damn alone right now. Physically and emotionally. I tried calling A just now. I started by texting good night. She replied, then i Asked, no call? Then told her i felt really insecure. No reply. I then decided to call, but changed my mind. Ended with a hangup right away. She called back, but I didn’t want to answer, hoping she would call me again. She didn’t. So i called back. Am I a psychopath? She answered. I fet a small relief. I continued to tell her how I felt. How I felt unwanted and insecure. Felt that i was just being a burden to her. I then asked why is she even with me? What do I benefit her? She didn’t reply. It sounded like she just put the phone down and I couldn’t hear anything. I feel so low. I feel like I’m worthless. Imthe thought of just killing myself keeps flashing. I mean, I’m going to go blind at some point. I’m barely accepting it. But coinciding the loss of my vision with the loss of my life? Kind of poetic. My own best friend has been too busy. I really don’t have anyone right now. I’m sad. My girlfriend doesn’t seem to care about how I feel. She doesn’t seem to want to empathize with me because it requires too much energy. I’m subjected to small bits of happiness when I get ro see her, but otherwise, nothing. She works 5 days a week. Busy from 3am-3pm. Then goes to sleep at 7pm. That gives me a 4 hour window of talking to her. But in reality she will call for a little bit. Then say she will call me when she gets home. She doesn’t. Is it me? Am I asking her for too much? Then again, I never asked her to do this. She moved away without consulting how I felt about it. I fee that’s extremely inconsiderate in respect to our relationship. If I don’t stand up for myself now, what does that say about my future? I do everything she asks, but she can’t even call me. She does the bare minimum for me. And even still I’d try ro be happy. What’s the point? Is there an end to this suffering? I don’t even know. I feel emotionally unnoticed. Neglected. Uncared for. She says she calls me when she gets off work, as if that was supposed to be enough for maintaining our relationship. I don’t feel it’s enough.

Fuck me. Fuck it all.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Everyone Leaves

My mom left. My girlfriend left. Soon, my little sister may leave too. My dad is very loving, but he is not very caring. He made great sacrifices to ensure we have things he did not, but he is always unhappy. He lives a life of unhappiness. He spreads negative vibes. He is not very understanding or nourishing. He is stubnorn. Unwilling to admit faults. Right now, I live between my little sister who receives the butt end of the treatment from him, and I just want to fix it. I am in the middle. I wanted to deny my dad of wrongdoing at first, but as I pay more attention, I see he does treat her differently from me. He answers more harshly and critically towards her. He does not know that it hurts me too. Since my mom left, he only got worse. I am still in depression. It got a little better over the past few weeks, but I feel it cycling back now. Girlfriend doesn’t seem interested to talk to me again. I am emotionally needy. People who say they would be there aren’t there. Close friends don’t pick up calls. People only contact me when they need help. Work friend hits me up only to pick him up all the way from an airport 2 hrs away. Bad headspace. The weird thing is that I was happy when my mom visited. We were laughing and joking. I don’t know what it is. I have also been feeling guilty about my diet too. I fell off my workout. Been sleeping late lately. I am starting to really want my own place now. I want to be able to live comfortab and not bound by someone else’s restrictions. But I know witho my parents doing what they do, it won’t be easy. It won’t be neat. It won’t be comfortable. I just want a good paying career. But I also want to do film. I may want to put it aside and work on something that could bring me in 75k a year or more. I don’t like the life of dependency.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

NOTHING TO SHOW (k.p.k) || instagram: @karyspk

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Quotes

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

“I don’t want this life anymore. I really don’t.”

—8/9/18 12:46 a.m.

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

[miseryintheshadows-blog]

Hello Tumblr. Merry Christmas.

10pm.

We just finished with gifts. I still feel really sad inside. I tried to talk to A about it. Tell her how I don’t feel loved. She fell asleep. Is this just what life is? Do we take these cards and do our best? I don’t feel loved by my partner. She seemed to just expect her gift. She didn’t seem to really be happy about it though. I don’t know. I really do feel like giving up sometimes. This may be one of my worst christmases by far. Emotionally, at least. It’s not even the gifts. I don’t like the guilt and expectations of gifts. It really sucks. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas anymore. It just gives me too much anxiety and awkwardness. I am starting to hate Christmas.

At the end of the day, I just want emotional fortification. I feel like A has stopped loving me. She no longer cuddles or caress or holds me. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. I feel like no matter how much effort I put in, how much i keep trying to pull for her to love me, the worse that I make it. I feel like I’m hurting the more i try to give. It really sucks. I try to talk to A about it, but she keeps ignoring or pushing it off. I don’t feel any acknowledgement or understanding for my emotions. Is it too much for me to ask her to spend time with me? To listen to how I feel? To want to help me feel better? I don’t think she listens. I think she just avoids the issue. Tries to run away. Like when she just moved away from me. I am trying to fix it.

Even though tonight we lay in the same bed, I have never felt so emotionally far apart from her. I just want a connection. I just want to be loved.