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Loneliness

Naps scare me. I usually wake up from a midday nap, and feel the sensation of loneliness and anxiety. It doesn’t matter where I was or who I was with, it is the same feeling. I’ve been having a particularly rough weekend as it is essentially the first weekend I would have without Chris a text away. I am building new routines, and this weekend would be the first one. I felt sad and lonely. It also made me look at the different aspects of my life in an attempt to find source of contentment.

I fell asleep listening to a “How to attract love” law of attraction video on youtube. I woke up feeling lost, realizing that I was currently at a job I didn’t like anymore. “It’s a dead end job,” I say to myself over and over as I return to consciousness.

This hit me. I felt even more sober and sad. This is what I need to figure out. This is what’s causing me to feel confused and anxious. This is the reason why I cling-ed on to my relationship so much. This is what I’ve been trying to run away from. I want to be doing something I love. Not in an effort to please Chris, but this is what being a mature woman who has something going on in her life meant. And then it sinks in how I thought I didn’t have to worry about him leaving even if I was a work in progress. But I guess it wasn’t much about me as much as it was about him. Maybe he needed to face his own issues on his own. Maybe that was what he needed to become the person he wanted to be. And even if I wish it didn’t have to be this way, I have no choice but to accept it and continue on with my own journey.

[miss-moving-on1-blog]

Moving on Tip # 1 Chinese Ramen

I woke up today feeling physically, mentally and emotionally stronger. My first thought was still of him, but today it didn’t feel like my bed was swallowing me. I didn’t feel entirely lost from reality, and I still had the thought that I used to text him good morning first think I wake up.

This time I still got my phone and opened my messenger - I cringe a bit as I did this as I remembered I resolved to creating a new routine where I didn’t reach for my phone first thing in the morning. I opened my best friend’s message and I told myself that it’s okay - I’m creating new habits and soon I will be used to this new routine.

Today, I decided to put a little effort and put on make-up. I took my time. Sometimes memories of how ungracefully I took the break up comes up and I would feel just a little sad. Sad because I realize that the hope I could have had of him coming back, was probably diminished even more by my attempts to get him back. I try to let the thoughts fly quickly, and change the negative thoughts to something like: “it’s alright, it was still him who gave up and not you,” “if you really are meant to be together, this is better because this time if he comes back it’s him pursuing you,” or “just embrace the situation right now and make the most out of being single again.”

I just try to figure out which situations and which thoughts make me feel good. And do my best to get out of negative self-talk. I always remind myself too that it’s okay if I don’t feel 100% okay all the time. Talking to my friends definitely help. Reminding myself to be my own best friend is good too. I am practicing being kinder to myself.

I signed up for a gym membership tonight. At first, I was on the fence because I was supposed to just do home work outs and save the money for future trips with Chris. I also thought how if he comes back this year, I wouldn’t have money put away for last minute trips. But then I think of how he’s probably not thinking the same way as I am right now. He was the one who left me. I do not owe him anything anymore. If he comes back and I don’t have a budget for a relationship with him - he has to make up for it. He was the one who decided he didn’t want a future with me. I was ready to do all that. Me not investing in me, is the exact opposite of focusing on just me. And I have every intention of loving myself more. Every decision I’m making now, I’m making for myself and myself alone. This time, I will do what’s good for me and me alone.

I decided to eat at a Chinese ramen store on the way home. I had the time. I sat alone eating my stir fried beef ramen. I realized how everybody else was Chinese and I was the only Filipino customer. I’ve been frustrated how I don’t exactly have the resources to take another solo trip this year - at least not right away. And yet here I am in a restaurant where I feel like a total tourist. I smile with contentment as I eat my noodles. I didn’t need to take another soul-searching solo trip to travel - this place felt foreign enough. I for sure felt like I was in some other part of Asia. So moving on tip #1 take yourself on a date to a local ramen restaurant! Just kidding. Take yourself on a date to wherever new place. The essence of feeling like a tourist is the unfamiliarity of a place and people. So bonus if it’s a restaurant usually filled with foreign people, or just a part of the town you haven’t quite explored yet. Channel your inner tourist, and revel in the feeling of trying something new and unfamiliar.

For some reason, this made me feel quite accomplished and totally killing the moving on process. Later when I’m home, I might feel sad and lonely again, or maybe not. Maybe tomorrow or the next. I don’t know. Sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. But today, eating Chinese ramen helped.