missing-her-hour

[missing-her-hour]

I hate that thing some people do where it's like. "I left my wallet on the table to see if you'd say anything" or "I wanted to see if you'd wash the car if I stopped doing it"

Cause like

I dont know about anyone else

But I am perpetually hovering three inches above the strong subconscious belief that everyone knows what they're doing at all times except me, so if you change your normal patterns and I notice, then I will assume it is an intentional choice with a thought-out plan behind it and I will avoid interfering

And if I don't notice, because I won't, because why would I, because not much bothers me and if you don't say anything to indicate you are bothered then how would I KNOW

[missing-her-hour]

part of the reason I think it’s so sad that we collectively write so few stories about unrequited love is bc I feel like there’s very little public acknowledgment of how much it sucks to be the one somebody is in unrequited love with??? and not in a way of like, oh they’re crossing boundaries or putting expectations on me or whatever. becoming close friends with someone and then finding out they’re in love with you and you don’t love them back the same way is heartbreaking, bc a) someone you love is in pain and there is literally nothing you can do about it, and b) it usually means that whether you like it or not there’s going to be distance in your friendship that wasn’t there before as they try to get over you. idk man I just feel like we’ve all discussed the tragedy of loving someone who doesn’t love you back quite a lot and very rarely discuss the tragedy of finding out the way that you love someone just isn’t enough.

[missing-her-hour]

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that

[missing-her-hour]

I don’t know how to embed a video on here, but this quote so poetically explained a concept I couldn’t put into words.

[missing-her-hour]

(May 30, 2024)

Sheyt now that it's over I just wanna say that Mishi you have been the person who has approached me the most and made me open up since day one, you included me in conversations even when I tended to retreat back into my shell and for that I am so so so so greatful cause I genuinely wouldn't be here without it. Also you are the best wingman hands down (you are also the only wingman I have so :/). You taught me about many things from cheating in tests to makeup to love. Also this is a bit of a deep dive but I also really admire your beauty and confidence. I have always struggled with my self image and body weight and I tend to add a negative connotation to 'fat' or just being bigger than average but honestly I genuinely think you're so beautiful and loveable and ig that also really helped me to remove some of that negativity from my mind cause you're beautiful, but you're also someone I would consider big, so that means those aren't mutually exclusive and you can be both! Thank you for just being you

Shaira I know that you and her have had your fights and I do feel like I might hurt you by staying friends with her but know that I do appreciate you as a friend a lot. Talking with you is so much fun and you're so cute and goofy in unexpected ways. You've been wronged and I'm glad you've managed to find friends that will stick by you. I really enjoy bantering with you and talking about books and comics despite having completely opposite tastes, I like exploring our likes and dislikes and helping you dive a bit deeper into the freakiness lol.

Anicka I have admired you since the beginning for your ability to fit in with the class easily, that was something I've always wanted to be. I also enjoy talking with you a lot, being seatmates was so fun and the comments we shared together, the comraderie despite being complete opposites sometimes. It meant a lot. I find a distinct sort of comfort with you that I find to be very nice and cozy. You give off the ate vibes I'm telling you.

Micae our synergy was through the roof when it came to mathematics and I don't think I'm ever going to experience that again. It's fun when we talk cause it always gets interesting and I like how your a touchy person, I may not initiate much touch but I do enjoy it. I'm just repressed lmao. You're soooo pretty and you give off an interesting low-key but elegant and playful vibe and I think that's cool.

Andrea I feel like you and I are similar in many ways but at the same time you are so unexpected and I admire that. I enjoy conversations with you the most to be honest cause it always ends up landing in some interesting topic like deep emotions, experiences, or even just shared interest in long novels and webcomics. I connected with you early on and you're the first person I shared the fact that I transferred cause I was lonely to. I know you don't have the most outgoing confidence, that's something wee shared at some point, but you are confident in ways I could only hope to be. You take risks, you state your thoughts bluntly, you express your style freely, and so much more. I remember how we talked about our batch's reputation, Ryzak, friendship, confidence, dreams, struggles with mental health and social interaction, and novels. I really enjoyed those talks. Also you're not gonna believe me but I do genuinely think you're so cute. The bangs look so goodaqq

JB (unfinished)

Hannah (unfinished)

Samantha (unfinished)

[missing-her-hour]

rn I just feel like I want to have a conversation. With my family preferably but honestly just anyone will do. An actual conversation . I wanna lay myself bare, guide their hand to the knife and put it up my throat. I want to give every ugly aspect to myself on the table, vulnerable and disgusting. I want to take their mouth and put their teeth to my throat. Give them every opportunity to strike and selfishly make them deal the blow I've been anticipating my whole life. I want to connect. I want to see what happens.

(Apr 23, 2025)

[missing-her-hour]

fascinating.. first time reading a fic that uses emojis as periods . the dialogue is treated like chat messages.m.. interesting

[missing-her-hour]

yk what I should express more positivity here or people (me) might start thinking I'm chronically sad or smt so dyk that drawing ROCKS it's so fun . Not painting tho. Painting is a bitch that wants to bleed me dry. Still a champ tho ig

[missing-her-hour]

(me now with the presence of my family and time to indulge in fictional stories as an adequate distraction) haha wonder what this could be anyways long haired men amirite

there is a dreadful, desperate little thing trying to claw it's way out of my skin and it's getting harder and harder to ignore it as the years tick by. Days are nothing more than a distraction and an offering to the little beast that will consume me if not given its crumbs that keep it satiated for one more day

[missing-her-hour]

so you're telling me .. I have to just. Lie here. With my thoughts?? Are you even hearing yourself here ? No fictional media to occupy it??? No horny scenario as a thinly veiled distraction from what I'd rather not be thinking about? Just. Lie here with my thoughts??? Honestly sounds a bit unreasonable .

[missing-her-hour]

[missing-her-hour]

Taking my gravity is no longer enough, love, I need direction

[missing-her-hour]

there is a dreadful, desperate little thing trying to claw it's way out of my skin and it's getting harder and harder to ignore it as the years tick by. Days are nothing more than a distraction and an offering to the little beast that will consume me if not given its crumbs that keep it satiated for one more day

[missing-her-hour]

quarterly reminder that asexuality only reflects on someone's lack of sexual attraction to other people and has nothing at all to do with libido/horny fantasies/ability to have sex/desire to masturbate etc.

[missing-her-hour]

wake up

deny yourself

4. phone in bed

[missing-her-hour]

update update: broke up because I'm an aromantic fuck and any amiable and fluffy feelings I had towards her are now drowned out by the gut deep discomfort of romantic context. I was desperately trying to convince myself that it was romance but in reality it was a desperate desire to be loved and seen and now I feel bad for 'using her' (?) even though I had no intention of doing that. I was genuinely just a pathetic sob who had no idea about emotional connections with people but that doesn't matter here

After much deliberation I think. I think I'm really not ready for a relationship. Especially at this stage where we're all going to college which is a big change obv cause new environment and new people and new experiences and all that. And I don't think adding on to that with.. this will do well so yeahh and honestly I just don't think I can act right as a gf or whatever like I barely know how to express love and vulnerability to family let alone someone I like like what so yeahh more time to grow and discover oneself and then.. we'll see

[missing-her-hour]

and since this realization it has become a ghost that haunts me and everywhere I look (I see his face) I realize there was an entire ecosystem of interpersonal connections I wasn't even able to comprehend and now I'm waving through a window well just MORE worried but too cowardly to do anything drastic

tfw you realize at some point in your life you're gonna have to be honestly and genuinely vulnerable with someone and that time is approaching quick otherwise you will live a life of dissatisfaction and isolation without building the bonds with others that you so wish for