misterehasamystery - Tumblr blog

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Kurt Cobain was a himbo

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Why was there never a movie about John McLane going undercover as a nun?

I would have watched the hell out of "Old Habits Die Hard".

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On today's episode of "Burnout or Depression" I try to determine which is causing my desire to hide away from every personal relationship, eat pizza, and watch my comfort show all weekend.

I definitely do not want mother's Day.

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In order to change the world, you need a story big enough to give it shape. An Idea, no matter how great, cannot take root without a story to give it a place in the world.

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Caught two of my coworkers quacking at each other. My office is a bit 🦖

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Sometimes I feel like the only thing that tethers me to the present is stubbornness. Almost like I could choose a different track if I were willing to let go of my current identity. I don't know what that new path would be, where it would start, or what the outcome is. Am I held back by the laws of physics or only my own stubbornness?

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The only reason why transphobes always ask “what is a woman” instead of “what is a man” is because we all know that a man is a featherless biped.

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Wanted to scream into the void for a bit, but the void asked for a break.

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Such a fun toy for such a fun girl!

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Read two books in the last week that described digging tunnels as a boring task. Did either author intend the pun? Did they reread the sentence and discover the etymology?

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Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me anchored to reality is a stubborn refusal to let go. As though the universe was so thin that if I wanted, I could step through into an alternate timeline.

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I was always taught to treat others the way you want to be treated. So I ignore strangers and mind my own business.

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People in power, even smart people in power, do not like accepting that they could possibly be the problem.

Semmelweis demonstrated that washing your hands before assisting with a birth greatly reduced post natal mortality in women (a reduction from 18% to 2% at his hospital). Despite this, other doctors to l who read his research refused to believe that they could have possibly been responsible for spreading illness to their patients, whether or not they believed in germ theory.

Third person evidence is often not enough to change someone's mind, and people at the top tend to Believe that they got there solely due to their excellence. Even if they accept that they can be wrong, the idea that an entire part of their normal behavior could be exacerbating, or even causing problems is counter to their entire world view.

Even first person experience could be insufficient to shift their view. They'll consider it an outlier, or that the real cause is something else.

An unwillingness to change in the face of evidence is not a good quality. It is not enough to attempt to reform these leaders. If they cannot accept that they are causing the problem, they need to be replaced. If they refuse to even accept that the problem exists, they need to be replaced. If they are not willing to do anything about the problem, they need to be replaced.

Authority is a reward, not a right. Remove those that can't see their own faults.

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Been rewatching some pandemic era television. It revealed some serious trauma that I just never processed properly. It also reminded me of the friends that I made around the beginning of the hardest time in my life. They got me through divorce, depression, quarantine, and a significant amount of job insecurity.

Without their love, I wouldn't have held it together. I was already considering having myself committed at the start of my divorce, and with everything else, I would not have functioned without them.

They were strangers I met on the Internet. We all ended up in a messaging group that was ostensibly about kink and exhibitionism. There was constant shameless flirting, as well as many lewd and nude photos. And out of that, we built a little community.

Some people came and went. There was significant turnover, particularly in male members of the group. But there was a core of us.

Arie was the founder. Then we had Anna, Nayra, Toni, Jenn, Kyle stayed most of a year, Darrick, and myself, E.

There were plenty of others who came and went. Grimm and Majick were early members. Joseph and Kat popped in and out with long months or even a year between periods of activity. GG, Perry, Phoenix, Sam. So many others that I forget most of their names.

Rarely were there more than 10 active members at any given time, but it was enough. It was our little community online. In the darkness of that time, we filled our little corner with light, positivity, happiness, and love.

Of course there was drama, and fights. Falling outs happened. But for more than 2 years they were my people. We were loyal. We would send each other care packages and birthday presents. The group fell apart in early 2022, partly due to loss of momentum as people were able to go outside and interact with other people in person instead of online. However, I also contributed to that collapse.

Early 2022 I went and visited one of the core group. We were all amazing friends and the casual flirting had gotten me confused. Hanging out in person was fun. We got along so smoothly it was like we'd been friends for over a decade. And yes there was some casual sexual chemistry, but nothing super intense.

There was a play session we were both involved in that went badly due to poor communication and sleep deprivation. It wasn't so bad as to end the friendship, but while we were clearing the air and setting boundaries after that, I made the most idiotic decision.

I somehow felt like that would be the perfect time to suggest we become casual poly partners. In my infinite idiocy I had combined an easy relaxed friendship and mutual attraction into something that just wasn't there, and even if it had been, it would have been the worst time to suggest it.

The group was already fading, so a falling out between two of the most active members left the chat basically dead. It never really recovered and I still blame myself for the loss of the friend group. I stay in touch with only one other member these days.

I'm not sure where I was going with this story, but I'll leave you with the lesson I learned. Love has many many shapes. More so for those of us that are non-monogamous. The way it's described most of the time, it's supposed to be a feeling. But that's not really right. It's more of an action.

Love is the action you take when you care enough about someone that you would willingly give up something you value for their benefit. There are more acts of love than you can count. And the way you express it should depend on the type of relationship you have.

Trying to use the wrong expression in hopes of changing the dynamic isn't love. I was worried, confused, and hurt. Asking to change our relationship was not an act of love. It was selfish and stupid.

I regret it more than anything else I've done in the past 4 years. I can't repair the damage I've done. Trust isn't a bridge that can be built on only one side. And they have no need to even try.