miutonium

[miutonium]

In another universe, maybe my flop era never happened and I continue to gush about my little meow meow and actually draw but right now that isnt happening and I'm lie awake at 6am after another crying session in the dark 🥲👍

[miutonium]

Hello there! Are there any secret f/o’s or potential f/o’s you have? 👀

Hi hi! Lately been thinking of this single dad character from Duolingo

[miutonium]

Hi Asuka hiii!! I truly missed seeing you around and I hope everything gets better soon! 💖

Aside from getting into new movies and games, have you gone to any interesting events or visited new places lately?

@milks-shake-cafe

Hi Rae! I missed you too and I missed everyone as well ;w; Thank you for the wishes 💗

I need to mention that I watched The Substance last night and I really had to sit down for a moment. I love everything about this movie it's so detailed, everything just have a reason or an interpretation behind it but also really adore that this movie really made people actually discuss wtf was going on and like... everyone have their own interpretation of the movie because this movie really encourages people to interpret it. Im going on tangent but yes The Substance 10/10 will traumatised myself again

I actually didn't go anywhere much this month, I mostly stayed at home and embarassingly just stay in my room. But a few days ago I dragged my feet to the gym so there's a progress. I hope you have good day 💗

[miutonium]

RAAH i missed seeing your posts 🙏 Im so sorry to hear abt what happened to you but I'm glad you managed to settle that and that you're doing better now! I don't really have much else to say but I hope you have a great day <3

I missed seeing people's post too ;w; I wish my message was clear and I'll be left alone too, it's really going to take time for me to be myself again but i think im doing okay today! I hope you're having a good day too 💗

[miutonium]

Tfw Im running a scenario of my selfship in my head for comfort but it was lowkey so angsty I started hitting this pose in bed:

[miutonium]

Btw besties what do we think of this character?

[miutonium]

MIUUUUUUUUU I MISS SEEING YOU AROUND

saw you in my notif and just thought to drop by to say hello and hows your day! So how's your day? Ik youve been kinda busy so please take care!!

Sorry I kept this in my askbox for so so long 🥲 I wasn't in the right headspace when I received this but I'm feeling much better so yes hi hello! I'm still feeling low energy and I should get out of bed rn but I am alright! I hope you have better days though 💗

[miutonium]

Sorry to hear what you've been through 🫂 Please take all the time you need to get back on your knees! I hope it didn't stop you from doing the things you love! Much love to you 🥰

Thank you 💗 I have to be honest though, this experience did ruined my selfship experience and it was one of the reason why I'm not in the mood to make anything selfshippy lately. This and also my months long depression also made me have low energy and I was unable to draw anything up to my usual standard.

But now, I really am trying to get back on my feet and I'm very grateful that despite how I lonely I feel irl, I'm always surrounded by kind and patient people so thank you for giving me at least a reason to wake up in the morning

[miutonium]

any new games, shows or music you've been into lately? :3

I actually didn't watch any new show while I was girlrotting, but very recently I installed Neko Atsume 2 and it improved my mood. I didnt play Listerine because I have terrible motion sickness but I watched a walkthrough of it and I am here, partially proud and at least half of my mind intact to say, FUCK JIMOTHY!!

[miutonium]

I'm still in this... uhh.... vulnerable state and I just couldnt get myself to do anything significant mostly but I really do missed talking and drawing and I know I have said this so many times now but I really want to continue doing my delayed work. I need to take things slowly right now. Please send me an ask about anything I just want to talk ;w;

[miutonium]

I wanted to come back and explain my hiatus over the past few months but I will post that note after I post this one because it's really important for me to type this out.

As everyone here knows, I am dealing with an online stalker for 2 years now. I'm giving everyone a recap in case people aren't aware of it. This will be a long post so please, skip if you dont want to read. I promise I will come back and make funny post or something idk, but this aint it.

Basically it all started with me not responding to their dms on instagram (and the reason I didn't respond is because the first text sounded like they're asserting their dominance over prof and it came off as passive aggresive) so I did not reply because of that. Then they continue to reply to my stories (the replies are harmless) but I continue to ignore because again, the first text already gave me a bad vibe so I rather not reply. But as time goes the replies seems to try to entice me to respond back and I do not like it when people forced me to reply, it's rude so I continue to ignore. The last reply from my story was a "Hello?" from them in my dms. Since then, they followed me, unfollowed me, blocked me, unblocked me and repeat the cycle. At first, I didn't notice it but then it became frequent and I keep seeing this same user doing it over and over again as if to grab my attention. It took me a while to block this user because whenever this happens, I was asleep (I'm in a different time zone) so by the time I wanted to click on the notification, the account is gone. I started being paranoid of interacting with people online at that time, I limited my story replies, messages and eventually my inbox. I was so unhappy with instagram because I really want to share my art without feeling anxious but this user made my experience so unpleasant. Eventually, my negative experience from others (unrelated to this user) and this user on instagram made me privated my art acc. I finally able to block this user because right after I privated my account, they send me a follow request. Not too long after that, I noticed they followed my twitter account too and I'm lucky I'm able to catch that because my notification used to be flooded and it's just luck I was able to see that name and block them. I have privated my twitter and currently on hiatus from twitter and I don't think I will be returning due to the recent block policy change. I don't like the idea of people I've blocked for my safety and comfort be seeing my post.

I have a public pinterest account that I made many months ago to post my Utonium art because I noticed my art got reposted there so might as well just start posting there so I posted just a few of my solo Utonium art there and then I forget about this account. Yesterday, I went on pinterest (under a private acc) and decided to search for prof and see that one of my post apparently gained traction and I remembered about that account. I decided to check my page and noticed I gained new followers. Imagine how upset and frustrated I am that one of the follower was this user that has stalked me.

At this point, I am so so frustrated and fed up. I have done everything to keep this person away from me. I stopped using instagram because of this user. I privated my twitter because of this user and I very much contemplated on privating this sideblog too because I could not stand that someone is actively tracking me down online, because I didn't response to their dms 2 years ago. Im just so frustrated because this experience really made me so so anxious and fearful and wary of interacting with people online. I want to keep sharing my art, I want to meet other people online that's into the things I like, but this experience really left me so anxious of talking to new people and has affected me mentally. I cannot say that this experience alone is the main factor of my mental health going to shit ever since I'm done with art school and I spend most of my days in my room just crying but I can say this is one of the reason why I have trust issues with trusting people because I don't know if any of you might end up doing this to me again, I really can't take that. I feel so alone because I don't have many friends irl and this situation really makes me think twice of making new friends.

I'm so tired of having to run away and hide from people , of not being able to enjoy my time online and im so done with this feeling of anxiety and fear over making my own space because of this situation. Enough is enough. I finally have the courage to message this person on pinterest today.

I won't post the screenshot (although I will show it to my friends here privately if they want to as confirmation that I am not making shit up and be the judge) but to summarize it (i format it like this so its easier to read):

- I send a lengthy message telling them exactly why I have blocked them everywhere and how their action has left me with severe anxiety and affects the way I interact with people online. I explained how me blocking them is a sign that I definitely DO NOT want to interact with them and them constantly tracking me down is considered to be stalking. I tell them to leave me alone.

- They replied immediately saying that I blocked them because I was jealous of other people having a crush with prof and said this is an issue of jealousy. They said they did that because they liked my art and THOUGHT (they wrote the thought in caps) they could be my friend. They mentioned that I didn't even give them a chance to know them and i dont even know them.

- I clarified that jealousy is absolutely NOT AN ISSUE and I always open to sharing. I have stated countless times that I am always open with sharing and openly supports anyone and draw people who ships with prof before. I have clarified that the reason i blocked them is because the first text they send me sounds like they're asserting their dominance of their ship to me is rude and of course I blocked them because they give me the wrong vibe and I dont even know them so of course I blocked them. I also said that them consistently following, unfollowing, blocking, unblocking and repeat cycle makes me think theyre forcing me to reply to them and it makes me very anxious. I stated that what they did was not normal behaviour and if I actively avoid them, that means I do not want to interact with them.

- They said I got their intention wrong. They admitted that they fangirled a bit too much because they have ocd and it came off to be rude (for the first text part). They said the reason they did the follow unfollow thing is because they got paranoid (huh?) And think I didnt want to talk to them because of the first text. They said they weren't in the good place in mind. They said they didn't mean to cause me any harm. They said they apologize for the rude first text. They asked we could start over again to know them but they understand if I dont want to do that and apologize for the first interaction.

- I replied that I am sorry that to hear this was all from misunderstanding their intention and their condition. I said that despite that, I could not brush over the fact that their actions has caused me severe anxiety with the way I interact with people online and I have to stress out that their action have cause me fear and anxiety being online. I stated that I am very grateful that them and other people liked my art but they cannot pressure me to talk and what they did with the following spam and tracking all of my socials online makes me think that they dont respect me and gave me the idea that they want to cause harm on me.

- They said they understand and sorry for causing me so much stress for pressuring me to talk to them. They said they admired my art style. They say the respect me and what they did gave me a wrong impression.

- I said that it's unfortunate that it became this way and knowing their intention now, I wished we have started with a good foot but I could not gloss over the severe stress and anxiety they caused me over 2 years and I dont think we can start over again.

- They said they're sorry that I feel that way even though I don't know them and NOW (that was wrote in caps) I know their intention wasn't malicious. They said they've been trying to reach out to me and say how much they loved my art and that's the reason why they did what they did which is to grab my attention. They wished we could've been friends but since I wouldn't give then that chance, it's okay (umm no?). They said if I have known their intention and give them the chance to that back then, it would saved us a lot of this.

- I said I appreciate the clarification and I am sorry that this is how it ended. I said that I need to prioritize my mental health so I dont think there will be any communication moving forward and I need to set boundaries.

- Their last reply is K, nice knowing me and good luck in life.

They then blocked me and I blocked them before I deactivate my pinterest account. In all honesty, I don't really feel there's a closure because there was no assurance that this will not happen again and I really feel that I was gaslighted into thinking this was a misunderstanding when in fact that they breached my privacy by tracking down my socials despite me having blocked them in my socials. The original text sounds more like blaming me that I got them wrong. I don't feel that they understand that their 'good intention' is deemed to be malicious to me due to the fact that 1) their insistence on finding me when I have made effort to avoid them and 2) We do not know each other at all and what they did is borderline Parasocial to me. I am also disappointed that they do not seem to understand how severe their actions has caused me towards my anxiety. Despite that, I am glad to know the reason with the 2 year of constant stalking and I do not wish (hopefully) to talk to this person again.

For now, that is the end of it (I hope). The reason I typed all of this is for people to understand why have I been so... distant from everyone. I am not as cheerful, sociable and vocal about anything these days is due to my social anxiety about interacting with people and this experience really exacerbates my anxiety to an all time high. I want to be okay and make new friends, it used to be so easy for me to do so but now I have to do second guess on everything like if this person is good or bad and if this person is going to get obsessive over me. It really sucks because I have been avoiding people for months due to this (and other stuff that I have mentioned in my previous post) and feeling so lonely because of that. But now, I really want to heal and be me again. I want to draw things that I liked and actually continue my overly delayed commission. I dont want anxiety to get the best of me.

I hope everyone understands me and be patient with me. I really appreciate people's kindness and I think I need to accept that I do in fact deserve that after terrorizing myself for months.

- Asuka

[miutonium]

Heyyyyy so,

[miutonium]

Guys I swear I'm working on my commission queue rn but hhh do you guys want to see some selfship art that I've made that I didn't post before????

[miutonium]

Actually based on that other poll:

[miutonium]

Me placing both of my selfship and wokesona art into my portfolio because I can't be bothered to draw an original art

[miutonium]

Congrats on your final! I saw your Spongebob post and it's really cool how the artist uses him as his muse for his artwork! I wish I could see his artwork in real life. Anyway, what did you do for your final work? It's okay if you don't want to share it 🙂

OKAY I LEFT THIS ASK BREWING MY DRAFT FOR SO LONG WAGSHSGSJSHA

BUT AAAA THANK U FOR THE WISHES! And yesss I think it's really neat too he used Spongebob as an inspiration since I dont see enough people using cartoon characters as an academia subject.

Anywayyyyy yeah of course and I'm glad I got this ask! I've been waiting for people to ask me about this ngl likeeeee I've been wanting to have people ask me about my fyp 😭😭😭 My FYP is about secondhand smoking. It all started when I see someone bought a box of cigs in front of me at the counter and the cashier asked "Which picture do you want?" And they said "The baby." Idk if other country used pictorial warnings on cigarette box but the ones in my country used it and plastered smoking related illness (heavy NSFW for the images btw so I won't attach it here but honestly I think people are unfazed by it due to how outdated it is ) and it suppose to serve as a deterrence for people to smoke but I find it really ironic that people dont care and even asked which picture they preferred (btw most smokers preferred the miscarried baby/fetus picture) so that experience is pretty much the catalyst for my project.

So anyway, for my final, I build an empty room filled with cigarette smokes. My artwork is a participatory art where I involved audience to interact with it. It's basically an empty 4x8 room with CCTV inside and windows left and right so people from outside can see the audience's reaction. Participant will be given a headphone where there'll be a narrator feedinng then instructions such as to calm down and listen to nature's sounds and there's going to be a line that says cigarette smoke calms people down. The room is locked from outside so they cannot go out unless they press the alarm to their right. The 'challenge' is to see how long anyone can stand sitting in a smoke filled room.

This room serves as a physical representation for secondhand smoking. The purpose is to give people an idea of how it feels being a non-smoker exposed to smokes in public places such as cafés through their own POV. the outcome is not to have smokers quit, instead I just want people to understand how suffocating the smokes could be. Basing my artwork to Dissonance Theory, there's going to be 3 outcome:

- Smokers don't care and continue smoking

- Smokers quit smoking

- Smokers continue to smoke but will be mindful on where they smoke

Anyway here's a clip of my friend being hazed by smoke scent lmao

Also yes, people are exposed to actual cigarette smoke in this artwork. I SMOKED 20 CIGARETTES JUST TO COLLECT THE ASHES. I SMELL LIKE CIGARETTES THE WHOLE NIGHT. MY FINGERS SMELLS LIKE CIGARETTE FOR 2 DAYS. 0/10 NOT RECOMMENDED!

Anyway, TL;DR: Don't fucking build an installation art for your finals. Don't start smoking and don't smoke 20 cigs in one succession to collect ashes in front of a private building and be questioned for 10 minutes and almost have the cops called on you because the guards think some asian chick wants to commit arson.

[miutonium]

I SPEND 12+ FUCKIN HOURS ON CARRD BUILDING A PORTFOLIO ONLY FOR MY SITE TO BE OFFLINE BECAUSE MY MOCKUP LINK TRIGGERED AUTOMOD RAHHHHH

Updating my portfolio right now and crying at the fact that all of my personal works is literally just selfship and wokesona art fuck me-