mjr-acourtofdreams

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

ASTARION is acting different.

he's quieter around camp now. less of those sharp-tongued quips that usually flow so easily. he catches himself staring at her when she's not looking, then quickly glances away like he's been caught doing something wrong.

his feeding has become reverent instead of ravenous. he hesitates now, asks if she’s sure, presses a soft kiss to the pulse before he bites.

he seeks her approval in ways that have nothing to do with seduction. when he makes decisions, his eyes find hers first. her good opinion has become as essential as blood.

and now during fights, he’s reckless with his own safety now, throwing himself between her and harm without thinking. “i can handle myself, you know,” she’d say, crossing her arms.

“i know darling…” he trails off, staring at his hands. he doesn't understand why he did it either. the thought of that blade finding her skin had sent him into a panic he couldn't name.

she doesn't know why, of course. he barely knows himself. but he has a hunch, and it terrifies him.

he doesn't know when it started—somewhere between her asking "did you rest well?" and the way she bandages his wounds tenderly—but now when she looks at him, really looks at him, his dead heart does this stupid fluttering thing.

when she brushes against him, her warmth doesn't just touch his skin. it goes deeper. settles in places he'd forgotten existed, places that ache with want that has nothing to do with feeding or fucking or getting what he needs to survive.

maybe it's because she cares. actually cares, not the fake concern people use when they want something. she shows it in the small things: "you seem tired today." "i saved you some of the good wine." "the stars are beautiful tonight, aren't they?"

to someone who hasn't experienced genuine affection in two hundred years, these little moments feel like everything.

the nights when her tent flap opens for him now, everything is different. he moves differently. less performance, less of that practiced charm he's perfected over decades. he's gentler with her, almost hesitant. his hands linger on her face before he kisses her, and she looks at him like he's something precious instead of dangerous.

he takes his time now. when he peels away her clothes, he does it slow, reverent. each kiss tastes like honey and guilt because he knows—fuck, he knows—that he started this as a lie.

the pleasure is overwhelming now. more intense than anything he's felt in centuries because it's real. when she arches beneath him, when she whispers his name like a prayer, it threatens to break him completely. he's louder now, lets himself feel everything instead of just doing what was necessary to play the part.

but with every touch, every breath, the guilt eats at him. this isn't the calculated seduction he'd planned. this isn't using her for protection. this is something else entirely, something that feels too much like love and too much like betrayal.

she trusts him. opens herself to him completely, and he built this on a lie.

after, when they're tangled together, he holds her tighter than he should. she fits against him perfectly, her head on his chest where his heart should be beating if he were still alive. if he were still worthy of this.

"what's wrong?" she asks, voice soft. her fingers trace patterns on his skin, and there's concern in her voice. she’s noticing.

"nothing," he lies. his fingers find her hair, thread through it like the motion might calm the storm in his chest.

"you're different tonight. quieter."

different. if she only knew. if she only knew the man she's falling for was built on deception. that every tender moment between them started as manipulation.

"i'm just thinking," he says.

she doesn't push, she never does. just settles deeper against him, breathing slowing as sleep pulls her under.

he stays awake long after she's asleep, studying her face in the candlelight. the way her lashes cast shadows on her cheeks. her lips, slightly parted. the complete vulnerability written in every line of her body.

she trusts him enough to sleep in his arms, and the weight of it is crushing. how naïve. she doesn't know he'd originally planned to use her. doesn't know every sweet word in those early days had been calculated, how it was all for his benefit.

but somewhere along the way, the performance became real.

two centuries of survival instincts stand off with something newer, invasive almost. something that makes his chest ache. something that whispers maybe he could be worthy of the love he sees in her eyes.

the realization hits him like dawn breaking as he lay with her, now noticing he stayed all night. feeling the rhythm of her breathing as she slept in his arms, how warm she was against his cool skin. how she trusts him.

he loves her.

the thought should terrify him. instead, it settles into his bones like coming home. he loves her. not just her body, not just what she can do for him, but her. her kindness. her strength that never comes at the cost of gentleness. her trust that she gives freely, even to broken things like him.

he loves her, and he's completely fucked.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

A Long Way To Mushrooms // Astarion x gnTav

summary: Astarion doesn’t quite understand why you would go as far as to jump into some monsters hole for someone like him.

word count: 2k+

tags/warnings: fluff, brief angst, comfort, action

authors note: I will always find a way to shove in a lord of the rings reference lol Enjoy!

—

It was while in the Underdark that Astarion stumbled upon a memory he’d thought he lost forever.

“And if you happen to come across any Weeping Mushrooms, you’re either dead or soon will be.” Blurg, a trader stationed in the Mytholod Colony, warned. He handed over the enchanted ring, pressing it into the palm of your hand. “So run. Don't try to pick them.”

You closed your fingers over the ring. “Never heard of them. Are they rare?”

Astarion opened his mouth to speak, but the member of The Society of Brilliance was quicker.

“Rare?” He laughed. “Far from it. There's frankly too many of them. They’re simply impossible to get a hold of. Thanks to the Bulettes.”

“They eat mushrooms?”

“Only the Weeping ones. They take the teardrop shaped fungi from the surface all the way down into their burrows. Nasty creatures.” He said.

You stashed the glowing jewelry into your personal satchel and put the rest of the camp supplies you purchased in the large bag. The ring would allow you to see into the darkest of places, and in The Underdark, you needed all the special items you could get.

“Sounds like a pain.” You said.

“It is. I’ll get my hands on some one day. But not at the expense of my life.” The mushroom trader glanced at Astarion, then back at you. He pressed on a smile. “Happy discovering.”

With that successful exchange over and supplies secured, you turned to head back to your champions who were setting up at the new campsite.

Astarion was too absorbed in his thoughts to follow.

The strain in his face turned from a quiet curiosity to pure aching. His hands fell to his side, skin taut across his fingers. “Shit.” He cursed under his breath.

There was a moment of silence before he let out a sharp scoff. “Of course it’s gone.” He shook his head, hands finding his hips. “I can’t have anything.”

You tilted your head. “What’s gone?”

“Huh?” He stared blankly at the ground before coming to his senses. “Oh, nothing. Just some pesky memory floating around.” He frowned. “Can’t seem to catch it.”

You stepped closer. “Do you need help catching it?”

The sweet and genuine smile plastered across your face caught him off guard. “No… Not unless you want to be devoured by some dark creature.”

You recalled how he sank his teeth into your soft flesh the night before, cradling your life in his hands. Your heart fluttered. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Astarion licked his lips, eyes lingering on your pulsating neck. “And not the last, I hope.” He grinned.

“Of course no-” You shut your mouth, cheeks heating up underneath his gaze. All he had to do was look at you with those ruby eyes and your insides were eager to turn themselves into knots.

He leaned in closer. “I’m glad to hear it.” The words swam in the air, perfectly constructed for you.

Then, the knots in your stomach came undone.

There was a twinkle in the red that didn’t look right. His eyes were holding up a smile you found to be empty. They were fighting a battle beneath a carefully curated facade. You searched a blank canvas waiting for a drop of paint to return.

He froze. “What? What are you looking for?”

Astarion ran through every scenario in his head. He didn’t know whether you were trying to figure him out or already had. All his plans would fall to ruin if you did.

“Nothing.” You stammered.

It was unconvincing, but he was thankful for it.

You cleared your throat, shifting the weight of the bag on to your back. “Come on. We’ve got everything we need. Let’s head back.”

“Right.” He trailed behind you and watched. Watched as you held your head high passed the Myconids, then swing low once you were out of sight.

The walk back was silent, save for the booming heart of The Underdark beating underneath your every step.

You stole a quick glance back at the rogue. Some days, you saw someone as hard as stone. Other times, he was as see through as the wind. You couldn’t decide what you were seeing right now.

The ground continued to rumble beneath you. Groans and eerie noises echoed across the landscape.

When he caught you staring, you turned away.

You were a mile from camp when he spotted a single Weeping Mushroom poking its head out from a pile of dirt off to the side of the path.

You noticed the lack of footsteps behind you and turned around. “What is it?”

“I remember.”

You followed his line of sight. The mushroom certainly lived up to its name. The top of its body was shaped like a teardrop. It glistened with a shiny, wet top, as if it were crying. The entire fungi glowed a soft blue and white. It was much smaller than you thought given that the large creatures that roamed here ate them as one of their main sources of food. Apparently they came in many sizes.

Astarion said it again. “I remember now.” He didn’t fight the soft smile spreading on his face. “I used to eat these during my time as a Magistrate.” It was like he was his old self for a moment. “They tasted as sweet as a berry. Even sweeter.”

You folded your arms, listening attentively.

He was inching closer to the fungi without noticing. “I wasn’t well liked by the citizens of Baldur's Gate, understandably so, which meant less frequent trips to the market. So, it was always a good day if I could find some.” His hand hovered over the glowing teardrop. “I can’t believe I forgot such a silly little thing.”

Before his fingers could grasp it, the ground shook with a sudden jolt and the Weeping Mushroom tumbled down along with all the dirt. Astarion jumped back before he was taken down into the gaping hole with it.

You both peeked your heads over the ledge.

Astarion coiled back, nose turned away. “Whatever is down there can keep it.” He brushed off the dust and dirt covering his armor.

“Do you think it’s okay?” You quipped.

Astarion ran a hand down his face. “Now your heart’s bleeding over a mushroom?” He pointed down the hole. “A mushroom?”

“You’re the one that reached for it.” You rolled your eyes, pushing your bag into his arms. “Here. Take this.” Your hands fished for the items you were going to need for this detour.

“What are you doing?”

The ground shook again, this time enough to have you gripping Astarions arms for support. You wore a shy grin. Astarions didn’t know if he wanted to shove you away or bring you in closer. When it settled down, you continued going through your things.

Astarion watched as you pulled out a potion of Feather Fall and Flying from your bag. “You’re not seriously doing what I think you’re doing?”

The glass bottle was cool to the touch. You took the cap off. “Oh, I am.”

You couldn’t smell anything except for the foul odor simmering from the burrow you were about to jump into.

There was an icy coldness to his tone. He tapped his foot back and forth against the ground. “This is a waste of time. And resources.”

“We'll survive.” You responded passively.

He pursed his lips. “According to that trader, we won’t. Certainly, not down there against that foul beast.”

Taking the bottle away from your mouth, you pinched the bridge of your nose. “You didn’t listen to him in the first place when he asked us not to go anywhere near them.”

Astarion took a moment to reflect before letting out a sigh. “Point taken.”

You grinned then downed the entire bottle at once. Each potion would last only a few minutes, which gave you plenty of time to get down there, grab the mushroom and fly back up with it in hand.

The darkness below beckoned you to follow it. No matter how far you looked, you couldn’t see where it ended. “Oh! Almost forgot.” You rummaged through the small satchel around your torso.

You pulled the enchanted ring out, slipping it onto your finger. As soon as you put it on, you could see through the overwhelming darkness. A blue light shined at the bottom of the hole.

“It looks ridiculous.” Astarion said.

You raised an eyebrow. “Really? I quite like it.” You flipped your hand back and forth, examining the glowing jewelry.

“Of course you do. You have dreadful taste. Except for me, of course.”

Before you could jab back in response, a piercing roar echoed from the large crater. It rocked the ground again, nearly sending both of you onto your backs. It stopped after a few seconds and The Underdark let out a deep sigh.

Astarion clasped his hands together. “So, having any second thoughts now?”

Before plunging into the black abyss, you turned to him. “No. If it brings back a fond memory for you, it’s worth it.”

Not much shocked Astarion anymore. He’d seen worse than what they'd experienced on this journey so far. Worse things had been done to him. He was used to it.

But, he was not used to this.

Those words stuck in his mind. He couldn’t get them out, no matter how hard he tried to remind himself this relationship wasn’t genuine. Just a means to an end. To keep him safe.

Wasn’t it?

Then, why was he so petrified watching as your feet stepped over that ledge?

You were gone before he could give you a proper response.

The air circled your body protectively as you fell. The pungent smell was almost overwhelming. It took everything in you not to let loose the contents of your stomach all over yourself. It was less than a minute later when you reached the bottom. Your feet hit the dirt. You could only make out 40ft in front of you with the arcane jewel.

A disquieting silence filled the networking systems of tunnels. The glowing mushroom was a shining light in the pitch black cavern. You picked up the small fungi, holding it in the palm of your hand.

Astarions voice echoed from above. “Alright, you can come back up now. As amusing as it sounds, I don’t really feel like watching you be eaten alive today.”

Not wanting to make a sound and attract the Bulettes attention, you pulled out the potion of Flying and drank it in full. The magic raced through your veins. You could feel your feet levitating in the air.

You could see his white hair against the rocky backdrop. His face was somewhere in between awe and the rest lost in shadow.

Whether it was awed by your audacity or your complete and utter stupidity, you didn’t know.

“Look out!”

Your body was slammed into a wall of rock before you realized you were even hit.

White hot agony coursed through every nerve. The shock reverberated in your chest. Your ribs cracked like two enemy swords clashing together. Muscles spasmed underneath intense pressure. Your head throbbed, it was trying to keep itself above the rising tide. Your vision was blurred, you could barely make out the wall of dirt coming your way.

Instinctively, you reached for your sword behind your back, but it was nowhere to be found. It was knocked off when the creature body slammed you.

The adrenaline rushing through you was practically your friend at this point. It greeted you with a burst of fire in your lungs.

Right before the monstrosity bared its fury out from the ground, you managed to roll away. The roll nearly knocked the breath out of you, but you kept focus, dodging another hit from the Burette.

“Damn you!” Astarions voice was growing closer.

Why did it sound so close?

Then you saw it.

A figure falling from the hole above. Astarion landed with a rough thud on top of the creature before it could burrow back underground. His daggers met the weak spot on the back of its neck. The creature roared in pain, flinging Astarion off its back. It disappeared into the dirt.

Astarion hit the floor a few feet away from you. He rubbed at his side, eyes shut tightly. “I am going to kill you.” He seethed through his teeth.

He took a deep breath. “After we get out of here.”

You stood on wobbling legs. The pain had rattled your entire system. You were seeing multiple Astarions sitting before you.

“I… l got the…” you swallowed. You felt blood run down your throat. When you tried speaking again, only a weak whimper came out.

Astarion made his way towards you, still wincing from the fall he had without using any magic. “Darling.” He put an arm around you, holding you up. “Try to breathe, okay?”

You nodded, sucking in a sharp breath. “Sword. My… sword.” You managed.

Astarion scanned the dark and humid area. Your sword was all the way across the other side, shimmering next to a cluster of hidden Weeping Mushrooms. There must have been hundreds of the fungi trapped within this hole. Maybe even more in the tunnels surrounding all sides.

He set you against the rocky wall. His fingers lingered over your skin. They were cool against your burning flesh and brushed lightly over your bloody knuckles. “Stay here.” He said.

His thumb found a small cut over your chin. He gently wiped a bead of blood away. You couldn’t tell if your heart was still racing from the adrenaline or his touch.

The rogue picked his steps carefully. He was light on his feet, so he was able to make it to the other side before it broke the surface.

Astarion retrieved your Radiant infused blade, shoving it into the Brulettes eye before it could hit him. It shrieked in pain, retreating again.

By the time he was back by your side, your vision was coming back to you, and you could stand on your own.

He handed you your weapon. “Now take us out of this shithole before it comes back.”

You nodded, leading him to the center of the cave system. Right in the middle was the opening in the ceiling.

He wrapped his arms around you, trying his best to cause as little pain as possible to your injuries.You stared up at the giant hole above you, remembering the potion you had taken. And how long it actually lasted.

“Astarion?”

His eyes were shut tight. He hugged your body, ready to feel his body levitate out of here.

You poked his cheek. “Astarion.”

“What!?”

“It wore off.”

“Oh.”

Echoes of The Underdark filled the spacious cavern.

Astarion gritted his teeth, burying his face in the crook of your neck. “Well, this wasn’t the way I expected to go out.”

“No, we’ll get through thi-”

The rumbling started again. Before you could tell where the Bulette was coming from, the floor crumbled beneath you, its jaws opened wide at your feet and it swallowed both you and Astarion whole.

There was too much to process.

Astarions screaming in your ear. The wet inside of the Bulettes mouth. The feeling of weightlessness as it tunneled up to the surface of the Underdark.

But, in the thick of the chaos, you were able to find a moment of clarity. You slammed your sword upwards and sliced through the Bulettes skull from the inside. It took a couple of hits before you could see a crack of light through the side of its head. The monster thrashed around in pain and you lost the blade.

With an empty hand, you found Astarions and squeezed it tightly. He eventually squeezed back.

Good. He would be conscious for this part.

With one final trick in your arsenal, you pulled out a smoke powered bomb from your satchel.

With little time left before it burrowed back down to its home and swallowed you whole, you threw the grenade down its throat and into its stomach.

There was a bright flash, then a wall of fire poured over you as the creature's body blew out from all sides.

Astarion and you were flung out of the creature's hanging jaw, falling back onto the hard surface below.

Blood rained down like a fierce crimson storm. It stuck to your skin and armor, wherever it landed. There was no place on your body where you weren’t covered in it.

The only part of the Bulette that remained was the bottom half of its body. It laid across the pathway, blocking the road back to your campsite.

It took a few minutes to compose yourselves, but soon, you were standing over the burnt carcass, bruised, bloody yet still put together.

Astarion spit on the ground. He turned towards you in a blaze of fury. “All of this over a mushroom!? We could’ve died. You could’ve-”

Your arm was already outstretched towards him. He stopped, looking at your closed fist. As you opened your fingers, the Weeping Mushroom greeted the air with its soft light. It was covered in dirt and speaks of the Bulettes blood.

“Sorry about all that. But I’m sure we can wash it off back at camp.”

Your face lit up with a bright smile. It was the only light Astarion found in this god awful place.

Over his 200 years of existence, he’d seen countless pretty faces. But, seeing you here, with your arm outstretched in kindness and body caked in guts and dirt, he realized he’d never seen anything as beautiful as you looked right now.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

The pale elf has ruined my life

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

ohh, maybe a late night love confession from Astarion? 🤭

Ooooh perfect!! Thank you for this ask, lovely <3 I love the quiet moments with Star; they let him breathe and drop the act more than when the companions are around, methinks.

~

Feel free to send me a prompt of your own!

He had been clingy since you reached the city; the crowds of people, the familiar streets, and old haunts inching him ever closer to his fate. It was like a march of doom. Uncertainty lurked around every corner, and sleep came sparingly. It was as if the city had eyes and all of them were trained directly on him. 'He could be anywhere,' Astarion thought as he curled tighter into your side on the creaky bed, 'waiting for the opportune moment to spirit me away and back into his clutches.' Too many nights had passed like this already, and he had begun to grow weary. You were worried about him, he could tell. It showed on your pretty face when you looked at him, those perceptive eyes seeing directly through his tomfoolery.

It was terrifying, at times, how well you seemed to know him. He was very nearly jealous, since you seemed to know him better than he did. But this knowing had begun to feel like something akin to safety, and he feared parting from it - from you - more than anything. His gaze flicked to you, sleeping peacefully beside him. Your arms wrapped him in a protective embrace, even in sleep, and he allowed himself a small smile.

"You really have been quite unexpected, you know," he whispered softly. "- in more ways than one. I assumed you would be a pretty little pawn in my game to maintain safety, but... gods, you truly have become so much more, haven't you? You minx, you." he chuckled quietly to himself as he brushed a stray hair from your face. "I will survive, and so will you. You must. Please keep me around once we do..." he trailed off, wrapping his arms around your back. "Promise me.."

When you awoke the next morning to find your lover's head resting on your chest as he tranced, you smiled and ran your fingers through his hair. You had had the loveliest dream.

~

fin

Tagging, Darlings: @knightofmight01 @micropoe10 @just-a-refrigerator @fanon-and-canon

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Drabble: Call Of Duty- Body Talk

How might they react to finding out you don't like a part of your body?

John Price Bravo

"Do you think I'm pretty anymore?" You ask your husband of ten years. Price nearly scoffs at you, but when he looks up through your standing mirror, the look on your gives it all away. He can see the sadness behind your eyes and how you look at yourself with disgust in the mirror. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, love." He says, standing up to around the bedroom and standing behind you.

There's a bit more pudgness on your thighs, tummy, and even your arms, but you forget you've had two kids, and that comes with it. It also happens with simply aging. "But I don't feel pretty anymore, John. I feel disgusting, and I hate the way my body has become, and no amount of working out or eating right seems to fix it." Your voice is cracking, and Price knows the tears are coming. "Love, you're beautiful. Every day I look at you and wonder how the fuck I managed to be so damn lucky. I don't care about anything other than loving you and our kids." He says it, and he means it with all of his heart.

You let go of a large, heavy sigh. He wraps his arms around you. Your skin is cold in contrast to his warm hands and arms. "Anyways, it gives me more to hold to when I'm makin' love to you, baby," he says with a kiss on your cheek. You giggle finally, the happy noise filtering through the room. "You come here, and let me show you how much I love your body for you?" Price asks, looking at you through the mirror. You'll never be able to deny him.

Simon Riley Ghost

You never break, not in front of your teammates. Never show your true feelings until you are behind closed doors. This time, it had just been too much. In the field, you had been trying to get a family out of Hassan's territory. They had nothing to do with the bullshit going on. Your heart broke when the little girl walked out without her parents or siblings. You had picked her up in a fell swoop and taken her with you. You aren't sure how the hell she managed to escape the fire and collapsing house with nothing less than a mark on her face. She had held onto you for the entire ride back, and it wasn't until you got back to the hideout that you had to give her off to the medic.

Ghost had been watching you the entire time. Your sniffes didn't go unheard by him, so he watched longer. How you nearly ran off to bunks when you had to give the poor girl off to the medic. That's where he found you, in the bunk room, crying your heart out. The knock was not heard, and neither were his footsteps. "Athena," Your sniffles stopped, "yeah, how's the girl?" You ask, "That girl is fine, but how are you?" He asked. The worry was in his voice, and it was directed towards you. "I'm okay." You say, stuffing your emotions back in your chest. "You don't seem like it, love. You seem like you're falling apart." He countered. "I'm just, there's only so much I can do, but the weight is sometimes too much to bear. That girl has no family now. None at all because we… I wasn't able to get there in time." You say your hands on your head.

The silence is hard to tell, but then Ghost speaks. "Here's what you don't know: that girl is alive. Yes, she might not have parents, and she'll go into foster care, but she's alive. All because you grabbed her and pulled her from the fire. That counts for something, Athena." Ghost said as he sat down next to you. "you're allowed to break down; this is a physically and mentally-wearing job, so I'm offering you something. A shoulder to lean on. To cry on, to laugh on, to forget on. Whatever you need." "Thank you, Ghost." You say, "Call me Simon, now let's go check up on that kid, yeah?" He says, reaching out his gloved hand to take

John McTavish Soap

You had literally searched all over the internet about how to get rid of pregnancy stretch marks. The marks at the bottom of your belly where killing you to look at. Not the mention all the other shit you were now dealing with after your pregnancy. The milk pump sometimes worked, and other times it just didn't, which caused you significant discomfort, and then the massive fucking put-together pad you had to wear for the next two weeks. You just felt disgusting, so this added thing was just not needed.

The knock on the bathroom door made you shriek. "Shit, love, I didn't mean to scare you. Just wanted to tell you that baby girl is down." Johnny says as he enters the bathroom. Your hair is wet, and you only wear a pair of panties and a sports bra. Staring at yourself in the mirror. "Love, where are you at right?" The concern is clear in his words. "You can't help but crumble at your husband's soft Scottish accent. "I'm not�� my body…" "What about your body?" He asks, obviously worried about you. "I don't like it anymore." His brows furrow together. "What do you mean?" "I'm ugly now, and these fucking stretch marks, and let's not add the other shit on top of it." "Hang on a minute now, sweetness." He says, moving to look in the mirror with you but you look away.

"You grew a whole human being in your body for the last nine months. You grew a fuckin' life. You are the most wonderful thing that happened to me, along with baby girl. I know you're not liking your body right now, but I'm telling you right now, you're still just as beautiful as you were the day I met you as you are now." "But…" "But nothing. You are the mother to our daughter, and I won't have you thinking poorly of yourself." Johnny smiles as he takes your hands together and rubs your ring with his thumb. "Together?" He asks, "Together," You responded.

Köing

"Fuck Liebling, you might be the death of me," Köing says as he shifts on the bed, making room for you to lie down next to him. You were up, grabbing two glasses of water for the both of you. Padding around in a pair of Köings boxers from the drawers and his t-shirt. Nothing was more a beautiful site than you right now in front of him. "Here you go." You stand, handing the glass of water off to him. The afterglow of sex sticking to your body still. He takes it graciously from your hand and rests it on his side table before pulling back the covers and waiting for your return to the bed.

It's hours later; while he's rubbing random shapes into your thighs, he feels something. At first, it doesn't concern him, but then he realizes what they are. Straight-cut lines work themselves up your thigh. How he had never noticed before blew his mind and the thoughts of what the small lines meant. You aren't asleep. Instead, you are catching up on your most recently purchased book. Köing couldn't help himself. "what are these?" He asks. "What is love?" You request not understanding where this line of questioning is going. "These marks on your leg. I can feel them." He says, rubbing gently.

You aren't shy about it. You've had them for years. You ensured they weren't in a spot where someone like your parents could see them. So your thigh was the best place. You bookmark your book before setting it down and pulling the covers off your legs. Köing moves his hand, and you start to explain. "I had really, like, horrible depression when I was a teenager. My family didn't really believe in medication or anything like that, so I didn't know what else to do. Sounds shitty now that I say it out loud since it was so long ago. But that was self-harm because I had no other outlet." You tell Köing, who's eagerly listening to you. "And you haven't done it since?" His words hold concern. "Don't worry about me, baby; I've got my meds, therapist, and you. I'm all good now." You say, trying to push away the sad thoughts that are trailing through your boyfriend's head.

"Don't worry, Schatz, I'll fuck the depression right out of you the next time. No need to cut up this beautiful skin." Köing words make you laugh.

Completed on: 11/16/23

Posted on: 11/20/23

COD-

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Yandere! König ramble (it became longer than i expected)

C/W: Ynaderw themes, Both reader and könig have different types of social anxiety, König's has violent thoughts (not towards reader), Reader is a crybaby and probably isn't/shouldn't be a soldier, NOT proofread I wrote this on my phone

I think König's social anxiety doesn't make him shy or bashful. Instead, it makes him stiff, constantly alert of his surroundings. It makes his fingers twitch with unease as it feels a million beady eyes are staring at him, observing hik, waiting for the perfect moment to strike him down.

On the outside, he appears to just be a reserved and quiet individual. Leaning with his back towards the wall. All of the noises jumbled up and jam into his ears, each sudden noise shaking him to his very core.

Without anything to distract him, it's easy for him to get into his own thoughts, that everyone is the enemy. König knows better than the act on the intrusive ideas, merely pushing them aside.

Trying to just focus on what his mandated therapist told him to do, how to better himself, but it always failed.

"Think of your happy place."

What a bunch of bullshit. There was no such thing as a "happy place" for people-- monsters he would correct himself- like himself.

His droopy eyes continued to survey the room, waiting for this ordeal to be over (He'd honestly rather be revising over documents than be doing whatever the fuck this is).

That is, until his attentive focus snapped over to a group entering the room. Now he had three more bodies to cast a wary watch at.

But, a small woman stepped from behind one of the men that had entered the room. Kõnig couldn't rip his gaze away from her.

She seemed nervous, a new recruit maybe? How had a timy thing like herself get into a place filled with such vile beings? Better question- WHO thought it was a good idea to let her stumble her way into a place like this?

The room fell silent on his ears, thoughts of slaughtering everyone in this room like animals back in bis family's farm quieted for once. He couldn't say he felt at peace as his heart felt like it sunk to the pit of his stomach and was trying to claw its way out just to get to her, like the beast be was.

She stuck out like a sore thumb, at least to she did.

She held her hands to her chest, nervously twisting, picking, and pulling at each digit. She kept a friendly smile, polite but awkward. Whenever she tried to speak, her voice would be drowned out by the voices of much more confident and boisterous than her own.

When someone did engaged with her, her cute smile would widen with glee until her short-term conversation partner got caught up with someone else, then her lips would falter into a grimace.

Nobody barely paid the woman any mind, oblivious as her eyes glossed over and lips quivered (further making him wonder HOW she got here. She seemed like such a crybaby and he couldn't help but find it adorable.)

But he did. He noticed her.

She was like an angel sent from the heavens above to purge demons like himself from the world. Oh, how he wanted to take her into his arms and keep her safe from the filthy world.

All this with just one mere glimpse at her.

His skin burned uncomfortably as he watched her finally have enough of being ignored, of forcing herself in such an overestimating place for what felt like a failed attempt at getting to know people.

He soon left after her, the noise suddenly becoming more unbearable when he snapped back into reality. He needed her. He needed to get to know her. But the idea of scaring her off bit at his mind.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Angel Like You

Azriel x Y/N warnings: angst? description: Azriel's thoughts on y/n. inspired by the song angel like you by miley cyrus

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Every word that flows out of her beautiful pink lips sounds like poetry to my ears, I could listen to those sweet nothings every hour, minute and second of every day.

She brings me down to my knees, got me preying to I God that I don't believe. When she takes off all her clothes for me and lay there bare, she is like a goddess that I worship every night.

But baby you are the sweetest Angel I have ever come across. Everything that my soul has been searching for. You are everything I need, but this broken soul of mine keeps taking all you have and giving nothing in return.

It's not your fault I ruin everything, it's not your fault I can't be what you need.

Angels like you can't fly down to hell with me.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

A Helping Hand

Pairing: Azriel × reader

A/N: so here it is, my first Azriel fic! I'm so excited to share this and I hope you all enjoy it too.

Summary: The bond snapped for Azriel the moment he saw her, thrown into the Cauldron with Elain and Nesta. Now, he wants to help her as she struggles to cope with what happened.

Warnings: angst, ptsd, mention of pain and drowning

Word count: 3.6k

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It had been one week since Y/N was kidnapped and thrown into the Cauldron. One week since Azriel had found his mate. Even bloodied, with an arrow in his chest, only barely conscious, he’d taken one heavy-lidded look at her and just known.

He’d awoken three days later, still a bit weak but finally able to stand up, to walk. To go see her.

For four days now, Azriel had brought a tray of food to her room, asked her if she needed anything, and told her not to hesitate to tell someone if she did. Sometimes she would shake her head or answer in a whisper with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. Sometimes she would just look at him, though it was as if she couldn’t really see him. But most often, she would keep staring at the wall or out the window, not showing any sign that she even realized he’d walked in.

Azriel knew she was struggling. Mor and Rhys had gotten even less of a reaction out of her. Cassian was still healing. Elain and Nesta were trying to adapt as well, each in their own way, and though Y/N was their sister’s friend, neither of the girls had asked to see her. Nor her them, for that matter. So Azriel had taken it upon himself to check on her a couple of times every day.

He knocked gently on her door, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. But she wasn’t sleeping, his shadows confirmed that. Despite his initial protest, a few tendrils had slipped away from his control and now lingered in the darker corners of her room. He’d thought it a violation of her privacy, but she was his mate and she was struggling, and a part of him was glad that his shadows would keep an eye on her. Were eager to, was more like it. So he’d let them.

Azriel pushed the door open and was not surprised to find Y/N sitting in front of the window. It was either that or she’d be curled up on her bed. This time, though, her gaze slid toward him as he took a step inside, and when their eyes met for even just a second, his heart raced in his chest.

“Hello, Azriel,” she said quietly, and her soft voice pronouncing his name for the first time was almost enough to bring him to his knees.

“Hi,” he replied, clearing his throat before taking a few steps forward. He stood a few feet from her, afraid he might startle her. She’d spoken to him, had been the first one to do so, and he considered it progress. He wouldn’t ruin it. “I just wanted to check on you.”

His eyes took her in, and he felt the urge, the need, to reach out to her, to take her in his arms and hold her. She’d turned toward the window again, but he could still see the dark circles under her eyes and her haunted expression. Her posture was rigid, her skin pale, her hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. And as he scanned the room, he noticed the tray of food he’d brought her that morning. Untouched.

“You didn’t eat anything,” he added gently, and he had to bite his tongue before he could add ‘again’. She would rarely take one or two bites of food, and it was starting to show. But Azriel knew he couldn’t force her to eat and he was still trying to find a way to convince her.

A few heartbeats passed before Y/N answered, still not looking at him. “I’m not hungry.”

Azriel shoved down his rising frustration. That was not what she needed. But seeing his mate suffer like this, unable to eat, to sleep, and not knowing what to do to help her was driving him crazy.

He debated leaving her alone and maybe go talk to Rhys, asking him whether he knew if there was something else Azriel could do, some kind of help only a mate could provide. That would entail revealing Y/N was his mate, but if it was the only way… besides, his family had probably already understood it. Rhys and Amren, at least.

Azriel looked at her one last time, but she was still staring outside. She’d fallen into her trance once more. He opened his mouth to bid her goodbye, but that’s when he realized it.

Her nightgown. It was the same one she was wearing that morning. And the day before. And the one before that one. He’d never seen her wear anything else, actually. Had she not changed since she’d arrived here?

He frowned, glancing at the drawer before focusing on her again, but his voice was gentle when he spoke. Tentative, almost. “Do you need some clean clothes?”

That got a reaction out of her. She looked down at her nightgown, then at the door that led to the bathroom before finally looking at him. But her eyes dropped as she answered. “I can’t take a bath.”

The words were barely audible even in the silent room, and yet they hit Azriel like a punch to the gut. She couldn’t take a bath. Couldn’t, probably because it brought back memories of the Cauldron. His heart clenched and he had to take a deep breath to calm down and not go back to Hybern to deal with the king all by himself.

His shadows lunged forward as if they wanted to reassure her, but he held them back. He approached her slowly, stopping just in front of her. He crouched down next to her and waited for her to meet his eyes before speaking.

“Let me help,” he said, unable to hide his concern any longer. He wanted to erase that haunted look from her eyes and he’d do anything to make her feel safe and protected again.

“You’re not alone, Y/N,” he continued, his tone gentle. In his mind, he was cursing himself for not having thought she might experience this kind of problem. “I could help you bathe. We can do it at your pace and stop whenever you wish.”

She stared into his eyes and it felt like an eternity passed before she nodded. Relief flooded his chest at her trust, her willingness to finally let someone help her.

Without a word, she stood up and headed for the bathroom. Azriel followed her, his wings tucked in tight behind his back. He had no idea what he was doing, but he knew one thing: he’d do anything in his power to help her, now and forever.

~~~~~~

Y/N watched the water slowly fill the tub. Her heart was already pounding in her chest, but she could feel Azriel next to her and somehow it steadied her.

Being around him was weird. She couldn’t point out what it was exactly that made her feel that way. There was just something about him that made all her senses go on alert, and yet she wouldn’t describe it as an uncomfortable feeling. Not to mention how Azriel was one of the few things she remembered from that day in Hybern. The Cauldron, and him. His body covered in blood, with that arrow protruding from his chest. And the relief she’d felt the first time she saw him walk into her room, healed.

“Y/N?”

She blinked, the tub now filled before her. Azriel said something else, but she wasn’t listening. A frown appeared on her face as she stared down at the water like it was her worst enemy. She guessed it was, in a way. Especially after what had happened when she’d tried to take a bath a few days ago. But Azriel was right. She wasn’t alone now. Maybe this time would be different.

She hadn’t changed her nightgown since she’d been given it a week ago simply because she couldn’t stand the sight of her own body. It didn’t feel like hers anymore. It didn’t look much different from when she was human, other than the arched Fae ears, but now it felt like it was someone else’s. Like it didn’t belong to her.

But she now let it fall off her body, not even noticing the shadows that shot forward to cover her nakedness. She didn’t care. Didn’t care about anything other than that tub and what was about to happen.

With a steadying breath, she climbed inside. The shadows didn’t follow her into the warm water, leaving her completely exposed, and maybe in another situation she would have blushed. Just a week ago, she would have. But now there was only her and the water, reaching up almost to her shoulders, and for the first few moments she thought it was going to be fine.

And then she was in the Cauldron again.

She began shaking as the dark water rose and rose, and it was now at her neck, and she knew it’d soon reach her mouth and her nose, and then it’d submerge her and the pain would begin. Every cell in her body was yelling at her to get out, to swim toward the surface, but she couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think.

She could hear a muffled voice coming from outside the Cauldron, but she couldn’t make out the words. The world was quickly disappearing, the water rising, and she was trapped, trapped under the surface, trapped in the darkness. Soon she’d feel that excruciating pain again, as if her body was being ripped apart, slowly and thoroughly.

Tears were streaming down her face and she sobbed, drawing her legs close to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She began to rock back and forth and maybe she was begging for it to stop, to never start, maybe she was screaming or calling out for someone, maybe she wasn’t saying anything at all.

As that dark freezing water closed above her and pulled her under, she knew the pain would come soon. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. She was drowning and there was nothing she could do, nothing she could do, nothing she could…

A tender, gentle touch on her cheek. From far away, someone called her name. And among the chaos, the darkness, the crippling fear, she saw a pair of hazel eyes, soft and yet concerned. A male voice assuring her that she was safe, that he was with her.

She wanted to believe that voice, but the water was pulling her under, cold and dark and terrifying. But that gentle voice was still talking to her, those hazel eyes still looking into hers, and she tried to hold on to them, to not let it all slip away.

And then someone took her hand and suddenly she felt something thumping beneath her palm. A heartbeat, she realized. Life.

Heartbeat meant life. Not death, not pain.

Life.

“Breathe with me, Y/N.”

She didn’t know where the voice was coming from, how it could sound so clear and close when she was drowning in the depths of the Cauldron.

“One breath in, one breath out.”

That heartbeat was steady, the voice gentle, those hazel eyes still in front of her. Like a light in the dark. She had to reach them, somehow.

“Can you do it for me, Y/N?”

She didn’t know if she could, but she wanted to. Her lungs were full of water and she was drowning, dragged down and down in the endless pit of the Cauldron, pain tearing her apart as she sank. But the voice never stopped. It kept telling her she was safe, asking her to stay with him, to breathe with him. And so she did, following his instructions.

One breath in, one breath out.

She stared into those beautiful eyes.

One breath in, one breath out.

She focused on that heart beating against her palm.

One breath in, one breath out.

The Cauldron disappeared. She blinked, and Azriel was there. He was kneeling next to the tub, his hands holding hers against his chest, on his heart. There was a small smile on his face.

“That’s it, Y/N. You’re doing great,” he said, his tone reassuring and soothing. “You’re here with me. You’re safe now. No one will harm you, I promise.”

She had stopped shaking and rocking, but tears were still running down her cheeks. Azriel just kept murmuring praises and reassurances, his eyes never leaving hers. And finally, after what felt like hours, she stopped crying.

She watched as Azriel wiped away her tears, as he leaned in to brush a kiss on her forehead. “You’re alright,” he whispered, and she believed him, but her eyes never left him.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, okay? You’re doing great, Y/N,” he continued, his voice low and soothing.

She didn’t stop him when he picked up a sponge, poured some scented soap on it, and then began to pass it over her arm, his touch light and careful as if he was afraid of hurting her. But even if he wasn’t looking at her anymore, she kept her eyes on his face and her hand pressed against his chest. She still needed to feel his heartbeat, his breathing, so that she could sync it with her own.

But slowly, as Azriel passed the sponge on her arms, her shoulders, her back, she began to relax. He’d pulled her back to reality and he was now washing her with such gentleness, as if she were the most precious thing in the world.

“Azriel…” she murmured, her hand finally falling away from his chest. She could breathe on her own now, though a bit shakily.

He paused mid-scrub, his sponge on her neck. “I’m here, Y/N,” he said as he met her eyes. “Are you alright?”

She didn’t know how to answer that question. She wasn’t alright, but she was better than before. And this time, thanks to him, she hadn’t spent hours trapped in the tub, only to bolt out once she’d regained control, without having even touched the soap. Even now, though, she had to fight to keep the fear at bay.

“No,” she murmured. Once again, Azriel’s presence made her feel comfortable enough to share that truth and let herself be vulnerable. It was like an innate feeling in her chest, encouraging her to trust him.

She saw the concern in his eyes as she answered and how he seemed to tense a little, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he offered her the sponge and gestured vaguely to her body, as if to tell her to take over the task. “I’ll wash your hair.”

Before she could say anything, he was already moving behind her and filling a jug with water. While she finished washing her body, Azriel took care of her hair, a hand shielding her forehead and her eyes. She didn’t know if it was just a random precaution or if he could somehow sense that getting water on her face would bring back the memories of the Cauldron. Something told her it was the latter.

She even went as far as closing her eyes, relaxing slightly under his gentle care.

~~~~~~

Azriel felt her relax, and a small smile appeared on his lips as he continued to rinse her hair.

He'd seen the terror and horror seize her body and her mind, his heart breaking at the sight and at the sound of her weak voice just repeating the word ‘please’ over and over. She'd been so lost in it that he couldn't reach her, and he'd been about to pick her up and out of the tub when he'd had an idea and decided to try one last thing. Fortunately, his heartbeat worked, and he was proud of her for pushing through and coming back to reality. Back to him.

Once her hair was clean, she looked so relaxed that Azriel just wanted to make her feel like that for a little longer. He picked up the comb and started to run it through her hair, making sure no tangles remained.

She stirred a bit but didn't say anything. He was glad he could help her now, at least. When she'd been shoved into the Cauldron, he was so hurt and weak that he couldn't do anything more than take one little step in her direction before his brothers held him back.

“I'm all done,” he said after a few minutes, breaking the comfortable silence they'd fallen into. “Would you like to stay here a bit longer?”

She shook her head and immediately rose from the tub, her body dripping water. Azriel made sure to have his shadows cover her nakedness again as he offered her a towel, but it still wasn't enough to prevent his heart from pounding in his chest.

Though it stopped as soon as she stepped out of the tub, and he noticed the tears in her eyes.

“Y/N, what's wrong?” he asked. Maybe he'd gone too far, maybe he'd done something wrong or overstepped in some way. But she had seemed so calm and relaxed till a few moments ago…

She took a step toward him and reached out, gently taking his hand. “I… I just don't know how to thank you,” she murmured, and Azriel felt relief wash over him. “What you've just done for me, I… I can't thank you enough for it.”

Azriel smiled, then. A reassuring, soft smile as he gave her hand a tender squeeze. “You don't need to. You needed help, and I'm glad I was the one who could offer it to you.”

She didn't look convinced, but she nodded anyway and stepped back, releasing his hand. “Thank you, Azriel.”

He wanted to tell her, then. That he'd always be there for her, whatever she needed, because she was his mate and he couldn't stand to see her suffer. But he couldn't tell her, not now, not when she was still so vulnerable.

Instead, he replied, “I told you. You don't have to thank me.”

Azriel wanted to wipe away her tears, to wrap her in his arms and never let her go. He wanted to make all her fears and worries disappear. And maybe one day they could get there. For now, he just gave her another smile. “I’ll let you get dressed. But if you need anything else, please let me know. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”

He began to walk out and toward her room’s door, his shadows lingering close to her for a second before they drifted back to their master. And as his hand grabbed the handle, he heard her soft voice calling him once more.

“Azriel?”

He turned back to her. She was standing in the bathroom doorway, still wrapped in the towel, and she was chewing on her lower lip, as if not sure she should continue. When she didn’t say anything, he stepped away from the door. “Yes, Y/N?”

It took her one more moment before she finally answered. “I’d like to sleep, but I… I usually can’t, with all the nightmares. But I’m so tired and I thought…” She paused and he could see she was getting embarrassed. He’d just helped her bathe and she hadn’t shied away, but now she was nervous about whatever she was going to ask? He tilted his head, not sure where this was going, and she continued. “I feel like I can trust you, like I’m safe with you. And after what you did for me, I thought… would you mind staying with me a bit longer? Just until I fall asleep, I promise.”

Her words were so unexpected that he didn’t react at first. Helping her bathe had been his idea, and she’d just agreed. But knowing her trust was enough for her to ask this, that he made her feel safe after everything she’d been through… it warmed his heart.

She must have misunderstood his silence, because she began babbling. “Or not, I guess. I’m sorry, I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just thought… I shouldn’t have taken for granted you would–”

“Y/N,” Azriel interrupted, taking one step toward her. “I don’t mind. I’d gladly stay, if that’s what you want.”

A hint of a smile graced her lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he answered, his breath catching at the sight of that first tiny, shy smile. “You can trust me, and you are safe with me.” He gestured toward her dresser. “Now get changed. You deserve some rest.”

She nodded and Azriel made sure to look out the window as she put on a clean nightgown. He then moved the chair she’d been sitting on earlier close to her bed and watched her climb under the sheets. Even pale and tired, she looked beautiful, with her damp hair spread out on the pillow.

“I know you said I don’t have to,” she murmured, her eyes scanning his face, “but I’ll never thank you enough for this.”

Azriel just smiled. “Try to sleep, Y/N. Don’t worry about that.”

She curled up into herself, her eyes closing, yet she still whispered one more thing. “Just until I fall asleep. Then you can go.”

“I know.”

Now that she couldn’t see them, his shadows seized the opportunity to leave his side and curled through her hair, as if they too found it hard to keep away. He didn’t try to stop them or make them fall back, not when her expression relaxed even more and her breathing became slow and deep.

He wanted to be there, in case she’d wake up because of the nightmares she’d mentioned. So even long after she’d fallen asleep, Azriel kept watch over his mate.

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Read part 2 here!

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Masterlist

Azriel series

Drowning

Azriel x Y/N

Description: realizing that she was never enough for him and deciding the world might just be better without her in it.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 (coming)

Azriel Oneshots

(Some are a dual part fics)

Dancing On My Own

Didn't Love Me. I Ain't No Fool. part 2 coming

too f*cked up to be loved

Angel Like You

Dabbles

I need you!

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Starfall

Feyre and Rhys - A Court of Thorns and Roses

Artist: @chelzd_art

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Didn't Love Me. I Ain't No Fool.

Azriel x Y/N

warnings: angst...? I don't know if there is anything else?

summary: you meet Feyre at the paint studio you two clicked right away and became good friends, soon enough you got to meet the rest of the IC and started forming friendships with them. Azriel and you had a spark at the beginning or at least you thought you did... you two started seeing each other shortly after, keeping each other company in the deep hours of the night and telling each other the darkest parts of each other, he said he loved you but oh how things couldn't have been anymore different...

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Winter Solstice a time where we gather with our family and friends to exchange gifts, drink and visit with each other it is a wonderful time of the year, it has always been my favorite time of the year... been.

Everyone has made their way back to their rooms for the night dinner went well lots of laughs and stories told. I am not exactly part of the inner circle but after becoming great friends with Feyre she invited me to a family dinner one time and the rest is history, these people are like my family now. I picked up my glass and took the last sallow. I was the last one in the living room making my way back to my room, I changed into some comfortable night clothes and was about ready to rest for the night when I remembered I forgot some gifts that I didn't put under the tree.

Making down the hallway with the arm full of gifts I stopped dead in my tracks has I heard hush talking coming from bottom of the stairs slowly making my way the top of the stairs I peeked down staircase my whole body teased, there standing was Azriel and Elain. They were so close oh so close to each bout ready to kiss, I can smell the arousal from here it was too much I took a step back feeling a hard body behind me glancing form the corner of my eye I seen Rhys then I felt him trying to get past my mental shields I drop them "go to you room y/n." I gave him a small nod and sped walked to my room and locked the door behind me.

~~

I shouldn't be upset about what had happened I have seen the way he looked at Elain and how he started to get closer to her and seeing me less and less. We were never really an official thing I mean we talked a lot and we slept together, and I would be crazy not to say it wasn't the best sex I had in a while but with all of the bonding that we had and a strong friendship even if was with benefits I would be lying if I said I didn't form feelings for the shadow singer. The deal was sold one night after he snuck into my room after a mission, and we spent the night together we didn't just have sex we made love and after we cuddle close to each other before he drifted off to sleep, he told me he loved me I believed him. What a fool I was to let him break those walls of mine to let me fall for him, I know better now.

I stood in front of the mirror looking at the work I put into this outfit a smiling being bought on my face. I wore a black gown that had sparkles all the way through it that looked like starlight, with slits coming up both legs and stopping at my hips, the back was open while the straps gently wrapped around my neck with a soft chain then it drops down to a plugging neck line, my eyes were done with a smokey look and my hair was pinned off to one side and my natural waves danced across my back. Tonight, everyone is going out to Rita's it seems like it's been forever since I see them all together it will be nice to catch up with them all and with the news a heard from Feyre a couple weeks ago, she told me that Azriel and Elaine made it official to everyone. Since that night I caught them in the hall I decided to completely stop going over there and seeing them other than Feyre but that is going to change because I miss the friendships, I formed those amazing people and it look those weeks or months to build myself back up from the heart break if that was even worth calling what Azriel and I had it was just one siding but now since back to a better self and not going to go crawling back to a man that clearing never really truly wanted me, he is going to truly see what he is missing.

Short time passed and stood in front of the packed bar the music and laughter poured out to the empty streets taking a deep breath I made my way to the door. It didn't take me long to spot the whole inner circle in the booth they always sit at while here, looking them all over before I make my way to them, I seen Aziel and Elaine sitting to close together there wasn't room to even breath through and he had his arm flung around her shoulders she was resting her head in his side while he smiled down at her fondly I let a small hurt smile flash across my face and shake my head realizing right there that didn't love me and never did.

Azriel POV

Smiling down at Elaine while she leaned into my side I glance back up to where Cassin was going on about the building he destroyed in summer when my eyes landed on and focused on the figure that was making their way over to our table blinking and swallowing hard, I realized that it was y/n straighten up and slide my arm from Elaines side and sit up and looked me with questionable face but I couldn't take my eyes off of y/n as she comes to the table she looked absolutely divine, I haven't seen or heard from her since solstice and I haven't been able to seek her out busy with missions and well Elaine, oh Elaine glancing over to her on my side she was now talking to Mor on the other side of her.

"Hello everyone!" the sweet voice that was sweet has honey now sounds like it has been hardened. Feyre jumped up and pulled y/n into a hug. "I'm so glad you came!" Feyre's smiled beamed at her friend y/n's smile matched hers but there was less sparkle in those beautiful eyes, she slid into the booth right across from me I couldn't take my eyes off of her something felt like it was pulling me towards her even my shadows wanted to leave their master to go to her sides. I cleared my throat it all of a sudden feel dry, to dry. "Hello" she picked up her drink and slowly took a drink and looking down into the glass "How are you?" I tried again to get her attention one of my shadow flew over the tabletop and wrapped around her wrist she glanced up them looking straight into my eyes it felt like she was looking into my soul cutting right through me. "Hello, shadowsinger." there was ice in her voice I felt my body flinch at the coldness in it, this wasn't right I shake my head and looked her back in the eyes "what is going on with you, haven't seen you in weeks, months and you are so cold." I paused and looked her watching her face for any changes she let out a small low chuckle that sounded more like a huff like she hasn't laugh forever then she looked at me the hurt in her eyes were too much to bare to look at then she spoke with no emotion in her voice at all "well, that what happens when love lets you down." she stood from her spot and walked away through the crowded and I felt it then something shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Rhysand doodle *how I see him*

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Drowning

Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety. torcher, blood, self-harm (If missed anything lmk) Description: realizing that she was never enough for him and deciding the world might just be better without her in it

part 4

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It has been three weeks since Azriel's and I talk in the kitchen during that early morning run in, he has been stealing glances more often now but still most of his attention is taking by that sweet Elain. As those three went by it has been getting hard to even be in the same room has everyone since I knew that those two would be basically on top of each other it seems, maybe I am just overreacting about the whole thing I should be happy for Azriel that he is happy and he found someone that makes him feel that way but why does it hurt so much though.

Cold sweat coats my skin, my breathing is fast and labored. Running as fast as my legs can carry me the branches of the trees rip my skin as I fly through them trying to escape, the wetness of the blood dripping down across my skin burns like fire and ice. Laughter and screams echos in the dark. RUN! RUN! RUN! WORTHLESS! WHORE! USELESS! I covered my ears with my hands and fell down to the ground and screamed, the ground opened up and I fell into the darkness I reached up for anyone to help me my own screams now echoed in the dark hollowness... no came so I fell down, down until...

I gasped and sprung up right holding my chest trying to catch my breath a dream it was a dream. flinging the covers off my burning body and walked over to the window and looked out towards the lights of Velaris the night sky was full of the stars that look like they were alive I tried to calm myself but all those feelings that I was feeling in that night terror came rushing back and hit me like a brick wall and then the tears came rushing down my cheeks "worthless... useless..." I looked down at myself and wrapped my arms around myself "unwanted." it hit me then, that all of that is in fact true. Turning I made my way to my bathroom and shut the door be hide me locking it.

Seeing my reflection in the mirror the tears started to run down my face again I am a shell of the person I once was. Opening the medicinal cabinet, I grab my razor blade and the vile of fae-bane, lacing the blade this liquid I slide down the side of the tub and sat on the floor bring my right arm across my lap and looking down at the scares that now ghost the skin, silent tears fell from my face while I took the razor blade and ran across my skin the burn from the fae-bane made me winced but that soon passed and I see the blood start to bead up then I again to the blade slicing it across my skin again, again and again until all I saw was red. The razor dropped on the floor leaning my head back on the side of the tub tears drained my face just the words echoed in my mind "worthless, useless, unwanted." over and over again.

Azriel's POV

Tossing and turning sleep was not finding me once again tonight seems like it just has been getting worse the last three weeks, setting up I ran my hands down my face looking out towards the window seeing the night sky full of stars that seems a little dimmer than normal I flung the blankets off and made my way to the bathroom the faelight came on and looked myself in the mirror the dark circles formed under my eyes signing I turn to leave and try to find sleep once more when a shadow came up to me in panic HURT HURT the shadow bounced back and forth in a hurry panicking more and more NEEDS HELP HURT now I felt the panic start to form inside me as I made it to my bedroom door to the hallway and stopped "who?!" I spoke the shadows that zipped to the door across the hall Y/N my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest as I ran across the hall and flung y/n's door open to see her bed a mess and the room dark my shadows took off all at once to the bathroom door where I see the light shining through the crack of the door and sprinted to the door trying to opening it but it was locked, my shadows went under the door and only a few came back to me yelling at me HURT I banged and banged on the door "Y/N! Y/N! OPEN THE DOOR!" I banged on the door again "fuck this." I whisper to myself I took a step back and kicked the door with much force the lock broke and pushed through the door "y/n!" falling down to my knees grabbing her pulling her close "no no no no... stay with me, wake up. Wake up y/n." I yelled for Rhysand in my mind telling him to get here has fast has he can and to bring Madja. Looking down I see y/n looking at me with silent tears running down her cheeks my own tears were now starting to fall. "you're going to be okay, Rhys and Madja are coming." she looked at me, like she was looking right into my soul "I'm sorry Az..." I shook my head before I could respond to her Rhysand and Madja rushed in "Get her to the bed now!" they both seems to yell I set her down carefully on to her bed "now move! I got to get to work!" Madja demanded Rhysand pushed me out the door and shut me out while he returned to help Madja. Tears poured down my face as I looked up and seen Cassian and Nesta watching me with worried looks, it was Cassian that spoke first "W-what happened?" his own voice cracked I looked at him my body started to shake "I-i don't k-know..."

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Dancing On My Own

Azriel x y/n, Eris x y/n

warnings: angst?

summary: this was heavily inspired by the song dancing on my own by calum scott. It kind of gotten in a different direction then I wanted it to go but yeah!

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I made sure that I looked absolutely beautiful well the best that I could for being me I was definitely not as flawless as Elain I didn't even come close to compare. My eyes where not that pretty brown that shines in the sunset just right or my hair wasn't soft and had that golden glow to it. Look at myself in the mirror one last time the midnight black dress hugged my curves just right my curls flowed down my back a small smile ghosted on my face maybe he will finally notice me.

The party was at full swing by the time Rhysand picked me up and flew me to the house of wind everyone was already dancing, mingling and drinking their fill. "Thank you for the lift." I glanced over at Rhys he lightly bowed his head "The pleasure was mine y/n, please enjoy the party." he smile and made his way toward Feyre who looks stunning in her starry gown her smile grew has she made eye contact with Rhys her eyes caught mine and she grab a little wave I smile and then made my way towards the bar table. "Wow! You look absolutely stunning y/n!!" I nearly choked on my drink I turned and came face to face with Nesta and Cassian I nod my head "thank you, Cassian." I gave a small smile and turned "Nesta" I nod my head to her she did the same "I didn't think you would actually come." Nesta raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "Well, I think it would have been rude if I didn't since Feyre invited me in person and I needed to get out the house..." I took a drink she just nodded and turned and walked away I let out a sigh I didn't know I was holding in "It will be okay." Cassian put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a soft smile and went to find his mate.

I still haven't noticed the two that I've been trying to avoid, well mostly I was hoping to at least see Azriel and for him to notice me and then maybe just maybe I'll tell him what has been on my mind since the before that day my sisters and I was dumped into the cauldron. I glanced my eyes to the dance floor and that's when I saw it. Elain in Azriel's arms dancing across the floor she smiled up at him, he looked at her like she was his whole world. The tears in my eyes started to form but that didn't compare to the pain in my chest that started it ripped through my soul tearing my apart slowly, a slow painful death but I couldn't look away from the sight in front of me and I don't think it would even help ease the pain if I did.

I forcedly wiped the tears from my eyes and turned towards the drink table grabbed a glass and downed it as quick as I could and then reached for another and did the same. if I have to stay here all night and watch those to fall in love in anymore, I'm going to need a good buzz to do so, fuck this. I glared back up and see the whole inner circle and my sister gathered around chatting and laughing without me figure that much. I have all ways been on outcast of our family, being the youngest of the sisters made it was I was pushed even farther aways from the afterthought of everything and everyone else I would think after turning High fae and after everything things would change clearly, I was so wrong.

Holding the glass so hard it might bust into a million pieces staring at the perfect found family that acts like I don't even exist I didn't notice the male approach my side and stood there "If you don't let go of that poor glass, we are going to have a mess to clean up." I jumped so hard and grabbed my chest trying to calm my racing heart, turning my body to face the person who scared the life out of me. "Oh, Eris!" I set my glass down and glared at him "You just scared me to death! Don't seek up on people like that!" putting my hands on my hips looking up at him and he gave me his devilish smirk. I never minded the new High Lord of Autum we actually grew a very close friendship through the short years I have been fae. "Why are you over here guarding the bar table?" he looked into my eyes, studying them. Shaking my head I looked back out towards the dance floor "well someone has to." I smirk playing on my lips I soon forgot why i was so angry a moment ago. I felt him move closer bending down close to my ear and he whispered, "well why don't you give up your post for a moment and come dance with me." I shiver ran down my back "looking has exquisite has you do you shouldn't be hiding on the side lines." I turned my head coming nose to nose with Eris looking into his eyes "I-I w-well..." I couldn't get my words out before he grabs my hand and drag me into the middle of the dance floor a smile grew across my face and I threw my head back and laugh, I real laugh Eris glance back at me with a smile across his face and a glow in his eyes.

Azriel's POV

A smile ghosted across my face while I took in my family all gather together laughing and smiling, glancing to the side I see Elaine holding her glass close to chest smiling brightly at Feyre and Nyx while the talk about something I am not sure I lost track of the conversation moment ago turn to see if anyone needs another drink I heard the my joyous laughter fill room bouncing off the walls, I could pick out that laugh anywhere. Turning to find the person behind the laugh, looking across the dance floor I see her, y/n spinning around the middle of the dance floor, smiling and laughing like I never seen her do she looks so free, so happy and at peace it made my smile grow even wider until I see the arm that reached out and grabbed her and lifted her up spinning with her... Eris, the smile that cover my face vanished and my blood ran cold my shadows started to swarm around. "Azriel... Azriel?" I felt a hand touch my arm and a shook it off and whipped my head around to see a worried Elaine and a confused Feyre looking at me the glance at Rhys, I felt claws coming down on my walls "what is he doing here?" I spoke to Rhys in my mind he took a moment to respond, "all the High Lords attended this year's Starfall, he is the new High Lord of Autum." I just glared at Rhysand and turn back to the dance floor now see them both in each other's embrace he smiled down at her, she looked at him like he was her whole world. The tears in my eyes started to form but that didn't compare to the pain in my chest that started it ripped through my soul tearing my apart slowly, a slow painful death but I couldn't look away from the sight in front of me and I don't think it would even help ease the pain if I did.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

I didn’t forget bout Drowning fic! Life has been really crazy atm we are moving and trying to things in order has been more stressful than I thought! I’ll get it updated asap!

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

y/n: "Go ahead and walk away! It's what you always do!"

Azriel: *stops in his tracks* "She needs me."

y/n: "I need you! I need you Azriel!"

Azriel: "I'm sorry, she really needs me right now."

he walked the rest of the way through the door and spread his wings and took off in the sky.

falling down on your knee's tears running down your face screaming.

"I won't be here when you get back." you whispered to yourself.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Drowning

Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety. torcher, blood (If missed anything lmk)

Description: realizing that she was never enough for him and deciding the world might just be better without her in it

part 3

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Staring up at the ceiling I let out a long groan I swear it is way too early in the morning that no one else would be up at this time sliding the covers off I head over to the bathroom to clean myself up last night was the same thing like every other night just filled with nightmares, tossing and turning it felt like I was going to go through the same pain has I did all those years ago and the emotional pain from more recent things. I would think the pain would have at least eased but it feels like I'm drowning, and no one is there to pull me up before I take the final breath before darkness takes over.

After cleaning up I just threw on a change of comfortable clothes since after the night I had don't not have the energy to go to training today or to deal with everyone. Walking out of my room down the hall making my way to the kitchen. Peaking my head through the door just to make sure no one else was have an early breakfast letting out the breath I was holding I made my way to the counter and asking the house of wind for a cup and coffee and some chocolate chip blueberry pancakes watching has the food and drink appear in front of my eyes I smile I always thought the house was amazing "thank you" I told the house and reached and took a drink of the coffee and I bite of my pancake.

Half way through my plate of pancakes I seen a shadow glide across the floor I frozen in my place "go back to you owner" I whispered the shadow stopped the came towards me wrapping its self around my leg then it seemed like it was just staring at me then it took off to the hall I let out a sign and then I couldn't breathe cause in the corner eye I seen the one person I did not want to run into down here. Azriel stepped in the kitchen looking, watching me "y/n" some of his shadows left his side and made their way over to me wrapping themselves around my legs i took a bite of my pancake "Azriel..." I put the rest of the pancake back down on the plate not feeling so hungry anymore he watched my every move bouncing from my face to the shadows that are now on my legs making themselves comfortable. "You are up early?" another cup of coffee appeared on the counter and Azriel reached out and grabbed it he looked back up at me and took a drink I just glanced at him and nodded looking back down at the shadows.

Azriel gave a long sign "you still like those types of pancakes?" I looked up at him then at the plate then at him again "uh yes..." he gave one of his small smirks "I remember when you first had a pancake for the first time." I locked eyes with him "yeah well that was a long time ago... but I guess some things don't change." I looked away and jumped off the counter Azriel continued to watch my movements "You coming to training today?" he stepped half in front of me "no I think I'm going to set this one out, I had a long day yesterday" I paused "I just need some rest." he just gave a small nod I stepped to the side of him to end back to my room I was bout towards the door "y/n" Azriel softly said I stopped and half turned towards him "what happened?" he faced me completely searching my face for what I do not know I just looked at him through the corner of my eye "Everything has happened." i seen hurt or confused I do not know show across Azriel face then turned and left him standing there alone.