mo-tuar-ceatha - Tumblr blog

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

9.23.2023 12:17 pm

I gave you the address to this account once. A Christmas gift. As far as I know, you never saw it. I talk to you here knowing you probably never will.

I know what today is. It's the autumn equinox. 8 years ago I met you at your house and you took me to Root River nature center. Our 1st date.

I thought about going back there today. Serendipity and all. But if you wanted to see me, you know how to find me. I have issues with accepting no answer is an answer.

So decided to stay away.

I'm at the nail shop with Pita instead. I hate the smell of this place. Lidia was supposed to take her but she's asleep. This has been Lidia lately. Make plans and means it but when the time comes, no go. She's lost in life momentarily. I don't know how to help her. Mostly cuz I'm lost too.

Lupita is going to South Milwaukee's homecoming tonight. She's at Tenor high school but she's her coworkers "date".

I've had an unsettling feeling for days now. I'm trying to figure out what it is. I used to love this time of year. I still do but I also hate it now. It marks the beginning to a time in my life I don't like to remember. But can't seem to let go of.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

July 18 2023 7:57 pm

Seriously, so many fuck yous. First me, then Micheal, now Leroy. He was our friend. He was my dear friend. Do you have any heart left? Did you ever even have one? We were all friends. Not just to me but to him too. Leroy and I talked about it, the old days and if we were nothing at least we thought we were friends. But to you, I guess we were all just a joke.

It baffles me how you bamboozled me like you did. How could I have been so fucking wrong?

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

3.4.2023 8:11 pm

It'll be your birthday soon.

Then mine.

45.

I'm going to be fucking 45.

If I remember correctly, which is iffy these days, you'll be 37? I want to say I'm 8 years older than you but it's all kinda blurry. I think of it now and it's like it wasn't even me. Sometimes I wonder if it was real at all, or if I'm making you up.

I wonder how you are at this time of year. At Christmas too. Every time I see an ad for those stupid ass Christmas movies you loved so much. I will never understand your fondness for them. But it makes me smile while I shake my head. You'll never guess who also loves them, Pita. PITA!!! Out of all my children, she'd be the last I'd expect. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if I told, out of my living children, she is turning out to be most like me.

Pita is 15 now. She'll be 16 in April. She is something else, that's for sure. That sweet little girl you remember is still in her but also a new her. A dark her. A product of what we all went through those horrible years. Death after death. Sister gone, grandparents gone, mom gone out her mind for a bit. In spite of it all, she's fighting. She's smart and reasonable when it comes to school. In life and friendship and boys, she's like me. Her heart will get her into trouble. We spend a lot of time together. Currently she's at a boy named Jonathan's house. Sounds weird but that's what I call him. There's a story behind that.

Ray's at work. Cooking at Applebee's as a matter of fact. He's 17 yrs old and makes 18$/hr so getting him to finish high-school will be a miracle. Unlike other people, I refuse to give up on him. He works, has a girlfriend, Angelique. I get along with her fine. She's unique, I guess you could say. Lidia, Pita and I call her Ol' girl. I still give everyone nicknames. He hasn't ridden his bike since that last accident. He went once after that and then not again. I think ripping his face open scared him pretty good. I'm not complaining. It scared the shit outta me too. I try not to let loosing Morgan affect them much more then it already has but fucking shit. I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and make them sit on the couch for the rest of their lives but that's not fair to them.

Lidia moved out as soon as she turned 18, no surprise there. Things are still hard between us. She was late to work. They got a hold of me. I called and called and freaked out, drove to her apartment, blowing up her phone, almost certain she'd been sex trafficked or something awful. She was asleep. Also a plausible senerio but my mind goes straight to the worst case. I think it's cuz the worst case has happened but I battle myself to not let it control me. I've come a long way, but have a long way to go.

She is also turning out to be more like me then she'll ever admit. Which is funny cuz that's such a like me thing to do. She's 19. Not in school. Serving. Texas Roadhouse on 13th. The new one. She works there with her boyfriend. It's annoying really. They do everything together. Live together, work together. His name is Perrion. They went to high-school together. They dated sophomore year then broke up. She came out bi and had 2 girlfriends after that. Not at the same time. Lol but yea. After they graduated she and Perrion started talk again and yep. Now they are constantly together. He and I have had a few incidences. I don't hate him. But I also don't understand why she wants to be with someone who is almost constantly angry about one thing or another. And I do think he's holding her back. Naw. I think she's holding herself back and using him as an excuse. She's so afraid to fail, it's stopping her from trying. Also a very me thing to do. I try to talk to her, but I still have zero credibility with her.

I have 2 cats now. They are my best friends. lol. My only friends really. They have probably been the biggest thing keeping me alive aside from the kids. They are all black. Like witch cats. lol. Bear and Shadow. Before you think, oh how original, their names. They came with names and I felt bad about changing them. So I decided to just give them full names instead. Bear's full name is Bjorn "Bear" Connelly and Shadow is Shadowfax "Shadow" Connelly. Bjorn is from The Hobbit. He's the skin changer. And Shadowfax is the name of Gandolfs horse in The Lord of the Rings. I'm such a nerd. Then Connelly cuz my kids didn't get my name so shit. At least the cats will. Bear rides on my shoulder like a parrot at least once a day and Shadow's meow sounds like a terradactyl. Bear is a treat whore, Shadow is a catnip whore, and both sleep on their backs like people. They are so fucking weird and I love them more then life itself. They are brothers and have always been together. I got them as kittens. The person I got them from said they were 8 weeks but I think they were younger. So that crazy, old, white, pothead, hippie cat lady vibe I had going when I knew you is really starting to pan out for me. 🤣🤣🤣 I've got goals. I will not rest till the kids on the block tell each other I'm a witch. 🤣🤣🤣

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

12.9.2022 10:02 AM

Yesterday. December 8th. That date is stuck in my head.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

12.3.2022

I guess I still think of you because I still blame you to some extent. The mess you made helped set me on the path to my own destruction. I don't completely blame you. After all, no one forced me to do any of it. But you lied. From the beginning you lied. You never loved me. It was a game to you. A game you won and returned to your life like nothing happened. A game that left me broken that I will never get an explanation for.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

11.3.2020 12:33 AM

If I had to be honest the last post was an oops. Not worried. You'll never see it.

I wish I could explain accurately what this time of year does to me. The yearly mind fuck I hope to some day out grow. I don't even think out grow is correct but for the lack of better words.

See, like 4 days before my daughter died, my Aunt Carol passed away. I was heart broken. She was by far one of my favorite people in the world. I last saw her in Milwaukee. You helped cover me so I could go to dinner with her, actually. I remember describing her to you as "a force of nature." So yea, first it was her. Then Morgan. Then my Dad. Then my Mom. From 11.23 to 12.9 I lost them one by one.

Death is everywhere this time of year anyway. Nature. Holidays from multiple cultures. Halloween here. Samhain if you're Pagan. Christians? All Saints and All Souls Day. Dia de Los Meuertos for my Mexican friends. And pretty much 99.95% of people I come into contact with fall neatly into one category or another, as listed above.

Then my personal battles come at the end of November. I celebrate death with the rest of the world, then I secretly battle it on my own.

My family and I don't really talk. But that's another story for another day. I guess I've learned not to talk about it. People don't like death. They reallly don't like dead babies. Makes them horribly uncomfortable. I understand. I don't take it personally. But I've also trained myself not to talk about it.

Like, the whole fb fiasco. So, it took me like 3 days to post her death on fb. This is so silly. I swear I sound ridiculous. Anyway, I was in shock 1st of all. Second, not exactly something you rush to post about. So, I finally decided to say something publicly cuz I decided I couldn't take going into public and people asking about her and having to repeat it 7 million times. My sanity could not survive that. So, later I find out some people had said by doing that and continuing to talk about her I am attention seeking and wanted pitty. I was devastated. How could anyone even think that? My only motivation was to preserve my sanity. I then later ruined it with drugs but that's not the point. Hateful horrible people. I guess that's when I learned that people like that, it's a reflection of them, not me, and yea.

Speaking of drugs, I am still sober. Hasn't really been hard I was so mentally done by the time I got the shit outta my system, I knew that'd be it for me. I kept using cuz of the physical addiction. I don't fear relapse. I know exactly why I was using and I'll never escape her death. Or any of the feelings that come with it. It was like I was numbing myself until I was able to accept her death and deal with it. Now that I've faced it and no more physical dependency, I'm good. Not like I cant say never, absolutely not. But extremely highly unlikely. I've been sober 19 months, so almost two years. March 30th is the exact date.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

5.3.2019 8:47 AM

So if I have to be honest, it happened like this.

2014- We are coworkers. I live with my husband and family. You live with your wife and family. We get along. I’m perscibed painkillers for my back.

Summer 2015- We are friends. We talk, laugh, and start hanging out after work. I start seeing you in a different light, wondering. I live with my alcoholic, physically/mentally abusive husband and family. You live with your wife and family. You tell me she’s cold, unsupportive, and there’s something missing. We get close. There is almost nothing we don’t talk about We talk often and start saying things that could have more then one meaning. I’m taking the pain meds to cope with the pain and work. Sometimes, when I’m extra angry with “him”, I take more then I should.

9/7/2015- Shit hit the fan. Conversations got bolder, tensions built, I cave and ask you if you had feelings for me that go beyond our friendship. This conversation would be the beginning of one that lasted for months. We talk constantly, we laugh, we support each other, we are best friends. I am miserable at home, desperate to get out. You lived with your wife and family and tell me there is nothing left for you there but the kids. Every thing else is beyond repair. I take the meds for my back from time to time. Work is hard on my body.

10/2015-12/8/2015- We are basically inseparable. If we’re not online together, talking shit, kicking out 1,000$ hours; we were in bed together laughing, snuggling, talking, and making love so amazing the likes which I will probably not known again. “I like you” quickly turned to “I love you”.

At first I was willing to have to conversation and leave it at that. We admitted we had feelings for each other, and I was curious what it would be like, but I’m married and you are married and that never works out well for anyone.

I knew how much I cared for you already, I knew how much you meant to me. I knew if we did what we did, I would loose that. I knew what it would do to me to loose you.

Promise by promise, you assured me that you were for real. Not using me, not a fling, not deceiving me, not wanting anything to do with repairing your marriage, 100% mine to have and to hold. Forever. “I promise.”

One by one I let my walls down. I let you in. You pulled me out of my shell and showed me parts of myself I didn’t even know exsisted. I was happy.

I moved out and lived with the kids. You were still at home. You spent almost every night after work at my house and we were meeting up during the day.

I took the pain meds every once and awhile. I can honestly say for 95% of the time we were “together” together, I was sober. Full Disclosure: The night we watched Braveheart together and I fell asleep??? I didn’t fall asleep. I nodded out. My back was bad and I took too much. That was a sincere accident. I hated myself for missing that movie with you. I always felt guilty about that.

It all came to a screeching halt 12/8/1015. Your son’s first birthday dinner. I honestly still feel like an asshole for that one. Your wife gets your phone and reads everything.

12/8/2019-2/2016- We are busted. You tell me we have to end things. Not because you wanted to, but because with her knowing everything; you are unsure how often we can see each other and that’s not fair to me. We continue to talk, not quite as often. We continue to see each other. We try to have fun, stay positive, and laugh. We are sneaking off to bed any time we could at first. I honestly don’t remember exactly what happened.

I remember that you came to my house one night. Just showed up at my back door. You told me you told her everything. You were done and wanted to be with me. I can’t remember what you said her reaction was other then she wanted to make sure you upheld your responsibilities as far as getting kids dressed in the morning. I was happy. That would be the only night we spent together. Something I had wanted for so long. I remember being confident with what you told me and not worried. Why should I?? You have responsibilities. I get that. After all, part of the reason I had fallen in love with you was what an awesome father you are.

That was it.

The next time I’d see/talk to you, you had done a 180. Things had gotten complicated, and you needed to be at home. You’d explain later. You weren’t sure you didn’t want to repair your marriage. Your nephew lived with you now and you had to be there. Soon you’d be able to tell me everything.

*SHIT!!! Epiphany!!!*

(This happens to me a lot now. I just randomly remember something. They say “it’s a side effect of a fairly significant case of PSTD”. I love the ‘fairly significant’ part. 🤣) Anyway, I just remembered the keychain I gave to you that Valentine’s Day, I ordered it after you left my house that morning. Whoa. Weird.

In my mind, in my memory, I never did know what happened, why you had changed your mind. That haunts me.

I remember you being at my house one last time to explain. I remember we sat at the dinningroom table and talked. I remember knowing it was over, but not understanding why. Maybe I wasn’t listening, maybe I was too hurt to hear, maybe I was too high to understand.

About this time I figured out that the “euphoria” that opiates cause when taken in excess was filling the void inside me. And my back didn’t hurt??? Perfect.

2/2016-5/2016- We are coworkers again. Nothing more. We avoid each other. We don’t talk. Tension grows. You leave. I live with the kids alone. You live with your wife and family. I’m broken. I’m taking pain meds pretty much every day and in excess every time.

5/1016-12-2016- We don’t speak. I live alone with the kids. You live with your wife and happy little family. I try to put the pieces of my life back together. I’ve never really lost anyone I cared about like that. I’d cried my last tear over the loss of my marriage before I even moved out. This was different. This hurt. This I can physically feel like some unknown force was crushing my chest in. This destroyed me. I hit 200 mgs of Percocet a day for a while. I was reckless. I didn’t like myself very much. I was angry. I listened when they said. “Go find a rebound. You’ll feel better.” I didn’t feel better. And now I was pregnant. Deciding I owned it to this child to try to make it work, that’s where my thoughts of you end.

I came to no conclusions, no questions answered, no progress, no closure, no healing. Just stopped. You were out of my mind.

1/2017- My full focus becomes getting off opiates and getting ready for a baby. I weened myself off, all good, all safe. I’m getting excited at the idea of having a little one again, I’m relived to be done with the party lifestyle. It got super old super quick and I was just sad. Morgan gave me hope. “Jacob who??? Oh yea, I guess I remember him.” I lied to everyone including myself. But for the most part that’s where your part in this ends. I went through the pregnancy with relative ease, given I was 39/40. I didn’t even think about the pain meds until two days after she passed away.

The next 16 months I spent high. Passively attempting to kill myself.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

9.21.2020 9:54 pm

So tomorrow is another one I remember whether I want to or not.

Mabon. Autumn Equinox. Our first date. I still remember how warm it was that day, how excited/nervous I was, and the poor school children we probably scared. I haven't been back there in a long time. I went a few times after we'r parted ways. I'm not sure why. I guess I keep going to gain some sort of closure since you refuse to help with that. I seem to just reopen the wound instead of healing it but I'm not sure what else to do. I'm still baffled, yea I said baffled, by your 180 just overt a year ago. You went from willing participant in putting an end to this all, to ghosting me for the second time, to snapping on me for something I had no knowledge of and when I did find out I told you right away and got snapped on. I still don't get it and that sucks. I wish I was better at letting this stuff go. Of course I don't admit this shit to anyone out loud, this is the only place I talk about it, the only place I talk about you.

5 years. Sometimes feels like 50 years, sometimes feels like yesterday. I can't believe how much has changed. I am a person I never in a million years thought I would be. Recovering addict, bereaved parent, matriarch of my family. It's absolutely insane how my story changed after you left. I'm sure your entire world is different as well. I want to go tomorrow. There's something freeing in admitting you fell apart and survived and facing the things that helped break you. Now that I'm back on a better path in my life. Since I can't face you, places will have to do.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

9.15.2020 9:36 pm

So tonight TJ came into my job tonight. You have to remember TJ. The "only the strong survive" tattoo guy. Your pet project. Host turned fryside who walked out. 🤣🤣🤣 because he was not strong 🤣🤣🤣

That shit still makes me laugh. I still tell that story.

I was angry with you for a long time because everything that transpired happened in my world, my turf. You don't have the reminders I do. So much of my immediate surroundings remind me of you. Forcing myself to forget has been hard. Obviously. I'm writing this now. 🙄 I'm still not the brightest. The picnic bench we used to make out on before I moved out is where I'm sitting now. I come out here to smoke still. Not still, I guess technologically it's again. Point is, I know it's on me, not you. Im just mad because I feel stupid. Because it sucks knowing you don't think of me. It sucks knowing I'm talking to myself right now. You seemed to have just gone back to your life like nothing happened. I haven't been so lucky. I'm o.k. we've been ok living together just over a year now. It's been hard at times. Now, it just is.

It's hard to go back to this when I sometimes think maybe there is someone out there that gets me. I thought I found it once but now I think that could have been a lie. I'd like to be that person I was again one day, if it's possible. Problem is I don't know if it is possible. I once asked you if you believed in star crossed lovers, meant to be together but kept apart in this life. I asked you that cuz I always got that feeling about us. I knew it wouldn't last. But if it was possible with you, then I might find it with someone else. But if it was a lie, then I'll find a way to deal with this life.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

9.10.20 12:47 pm

Happy Anniversary. I hate that I remember the day. I hope you found the happiness you destroyed me for.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

7.16.2020

If I had to be honest, sometimes I'd say I haunt you as much as you haunt me. But you've always been better at hiding things then I.

I wish you'd have the courage to face it so we can both move on. But again, if I had to be honest, sometimes I'd say you are doing it on purpose to hold on.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

6.25.2020 1:04 AM

I guess the thing is before I met you, I didn't really know what it was like to have someone understand me. Not call me too sensitive, not make fun of me for crying, not make fun of my weird quirks. Then there was you. And I felt safe, and appreciated, and content.

But its possible it was all fake. That you never really ment any of it. Which you gave me so much shit for not trusting you and lemme just say this....THIS...this is fucking why I didn't wanna trust you. Cuz here my dumb ass is trying to figure this shit out still and you haven't thought about me since the last time we communicated. But I trusted you anyway and yea. So, if was all a lie, then the type of relationship I'm looking for doesn't really exist and I can live out my days as I am.

But if it was real and just couldn't be, then what I want does exist, not with you obviously. But it's proof that I could be actually accepted and understood and loved for who I am.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

6.2.2020 1:15 am

I didn't go that day. Life happened. I wish I could just talk to you. Not about old shit. But just about life again. I still haven't found any one I could talk to like you. I miss my friend. Pandemic taking over, race wars, rioting, looting. My neighborhood is destroyed. My kids are scared. And I just want to vent without being making fun of or called stupid, or told I'm being overdramatic, or called crazy.

I hope you're happy. I really do. I hope you don't feel this whole in you're heart like I do. Cuz this shit sucks. I still think of you some nights I stare at the moon.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

5.22.2020 1:38 am.

I guess where I get stuck is trying to decide what you were. What that relationship actually was to you. I know what I thought it was at the time. I had found my soulmate. For a very short time I thought it would last. No real suprise it didn't. What did suprise me and what continues to suprise me is your lack of communication on the topic. Once you said things had to end and didn't explain why, I began to question your intentions. I heard nothing from you. From others I was told I was played, it was all a joke from the beginning. I heard a lot of things from a lot of people.

I need to stop running from this. I need to face it and decide what I believe.

I'm heading to Root River tomorrow. That spot on that pond. I'm hoping for some enlightenment of some sort. I refuse to try to contact your ever again. I can't force you to talk to me no matter how much I feel like it would help. Now, that's on you. I'd still have that conversation with you but I can't be the one to initiate it. I feel like if I did know you at all, you'll eventually need it too. You know how to find me if that day ever comes. But on my end. I need to do the best I can to create closure without you.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

5.20.2020 10:51 am

See, the issue is I'm back here. That's right. All that just to end up back in this house with him. I came back for the kids. Never did I think he had feelings for me other than pure hatred and never did I think he'd want to try to "work things out" between us. So when he asked I didn't know what to say. It had never occurred to me so I had no thoughts on it at all. He said he's forgiven what's happened and sees where he went wrong. I'm learning that is not exactly the case.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

5.17.2020 11:41 pm

It's always cyclical with you.

They say grief comes in waves. Crashing in sometimes when you least expect it. Of course there are the forever triggers like birthday's of the deceased or the anniversary of the death day. Those are always there, but for the most part, I agree with the waves analogy.

But with you it's been cyclical, like the passing of seasons. Of course first there's fall. Fall will always remind me of you, Root River and that day. But also late summer and humid nights. Sitting, taklkng, smoking, laughing. Christmas because of those horrendous Christmas movies you loved. I will never understand that one. But also because of wrecking Colin's 1st birthday and the first time I lost you. A little bit valentines cuz of that stupid key chain. That's a cringey memory for me. Anyway. And then now. You quit and left in early May and that was the last time I saw you. Also, a year ago was the last time I tried to find some closure or at least tried to make sense out of whatever that was. You seemed like you were at the same place I was and wanted to do the same. Or at least wanted to help me. And then poof. Gone. And then the Dan thing and his dumb ass and I got cussed out. By you. Which did surprise me cuz wtf? I had nothing to do with his little sceem. You'd think you would figure that out since I was the one to contact you and tell you it was actually me but, that's whatever. Point is here I am again in May with you circling in and out of my thoughts. Again.

You can get closure and move on even without the other person. People do it all the time. It just takes more time and effort on my part. It irritates me that you won't just help me out with it since you're still alive and shit and I've been creating closure for myself for a while now with people who are dead and not just being selfish babies but whatever. I guess I'll do the work for this one too solo dolo. And I call you a selfish baby for this reason. You know me. You know I need this to move on. It's like you're trying to hold me captive on purpose. Weather or not you were actually the person you were or I got played and you were just pretending to be someone, that guy knew me. You knew me. You described me perfectly to me and you could always see through me. I thought I could do the same with you but the thought has occurred to me more then once that the man I thought I knew didn't really exist. Either way, you knew me. You know how important this is to me and you still refuse. To me? That's being a selfish baby. We did what we did. We hurt a lot of people. And although it seems you went right back to your life as usual, I haven't been so lucky. Most of it because of things I did, decisions I made, survival skills I created, but damn. You didn't exactly say much when you dipped as far as reasons for changing your mind or anything for that matter. I do remember a night you came over to explain everything. Well, I can say I remember it happened but I cannot for the life of me remember what was said. To be honest, I was extremely high that night. I do remember that part. Also cringey but whatever. There was something about a nephew living with you and that's all I remember. I remember you leaving and I still had no idea what happened. You were doing that thing where you'd talk in circles but not really answer the question or say anything that had content for that matter. You were good at that when you wanted to be. But from my perspective, I just lost my best friend and my lover and I had no clue why.

That was 4 years ago. I understand why you had to do what you did. To cut all ties. Especially if the you did love me at any point and I wasn't just getting played. Honestly, that's the least likely scenario in my mind but whatever. I get that. Then. But it's been 4 years. Why are you so afraid of me. Why tell me you want to talk and you think it's a good idea and just ghost. Again.

[mo-tuar-ceatha]

KISSING BRITTANY MURPHY

Everyone assumes the life of an addict is so thrilling and suspenseful, like how it’s been portrayed in movies. You imagine dirty junkies running through the streets, breaking into cars and stealing from old ladies, you see drug cartels and hear gunshots, you’re picturing us with other addicts other people like us. But the truth is, our lives are nothing like those of the junkies in Hollywood — it’s actually much more pathetic, because I’ll still be an addict when that two hour movie begins rolling credits. Here’s the reality: Every day is spent trying to find $40.00, then finding drugs, doing drugs, hiding drugs, finding places to do drugs, being high, being too high, not being high enough, coming down, going up, hating the drugs, hating yourself and then being too high to hate anything, making friends, losing real friends — dead friends, and having no friends, then getting sober, relapsing, and searching for $40.00, again. It may seem exciting in the beginning but after watching the same scenes year after year, it very quickly becomes your least favorite movie. And then all of a sudden, you’re looking around only to notice that your entire theater is empty and the front row now feels unbearably lonely because all of your friends moved on and now watch less repetitive movies. Junkie bonds never last very long, and they’re just as unreliable as the drugs they revolve around. Every so often we give into the loneliness, and make attempts at establishing meaningful connections, but inevitably they all fall apart, just like Candy and Dan. Maybe it’s subconscious, or maybe we really are aware, but the fact of the matter still remains: we will always love the drugs more. We’re in love with euphoria, the feeling of feeling nothing, of being numb.. and it’s a love so powerful that sometimes, we forget about everything we ever loved before. Hollywood’s directed movies tricking us into believing that one day we’ll meet someone so incredible that not even the drugs could compare – like an angel sent to bring us to sobriety.

But after having your heart broken more than once or twice, you learn that all of those happy endings, were only more lies. There won’t ever be an angel, because there is nothing that compares. Don’t you wish our lives could be just like our favorite drug movie? That we could have our own happy ending, maybe even get sober, or get a goodbye kiss from a woman as beautiful as Brittany Murphy? And then we’d wake from this nightmare the moment the credits start rolling. Think about it; we could finally, stop cycling. If this were a perfect world my life would be a drug movie with a perfectly scripted happy ending and I’d know how it felt to be, free - but nothing is ever perfect, and I still need that $40.00.

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