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man i have GOT to do this thing. *doesnt do it*

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Art by Jeleynai

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12-27-2022

Well, the holidays are officially over. For that I'm thankful. I'm not a fan, but that's more because I don't generally enjoy spending time with my extended family on my mom's side. She knows, but I feel strong armed into going every year.

Anyways, I went shopping today with my mom as a "girls' day out." We talked about how I dread holidays with her family, she asked why, and I tried to explain but ended up making reference to some of my issues with her. Was prodded into telling her only one example and it was stressful because it turned into "Well that's wrong because x, y, z." I always end up feeling like I get invalidated for feeling the way I do. Because even when she says she's not telling me how to feel, she's telling me I'm wrong.

Anyways, I just let it go and tried to enjoy what was left of the day with her, but there was no going back. Fuck it. I don't really know what to do. I'm over it, and I am once again reminded why I can't tell her shit.

"Don't open up because your wrong."

Besides that I'm feeling great. /s

I just want to die every day.

Sometimes I wish I could just list the fight, the struggle, with myself. I'm tired, and I don't want to keep waging the same wars day after day, year after year.

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Today I spent the day with friends. It was fun, but I spent way too much money. Still, I don't regret my purchases.

However, that's not why I'm writing this. I've learned something that is more shocking than I expected it to be. I don't know why. I suppose it's because I put him on a pedestal. I thought his faith was perfect, or at least solid. However, I've learned that he's closer to where I stand. It's shocking in a sense. I have other friends that list their faith, but it wasn't a surprise. Rather it seemed inevitable.

This friend, I thought, was different. I expected him to make it. I expected him to remain. However, he's changed. Or, what's more likely, I never saw him for who he was. I saw him for who I wanted him to be. That image has been shattered. I feel myself shaken. I feel my heart grieve, and I don't know why.

He and I are the same. Uncertain. Hanging on, but shaken and far from how we were raised. I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do. So, the question becomes why? Is it shock, since he was the one who invited me to a small group? Is it disappointment, because he's not who I thought he was?

I don't know. He's still my friend, and not much will actually change between us. It just feels like the lens I view the world was shattered.

That's not the only thing I found out had changed about him.

Perhaps that's the truth I'm unprepared for. The cause of the sinking feeling in my gut. Maybe it's not the change that's occurred but the fact that it happened at all. Change... I know nothing is forever. I know that people change. Still, it rocks my world whenever I'm faced with that truth. It frightens me in a lot of ways. It scares me.

I want a world that's predictable. A world where I know what to expect. People that will be the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow... I know that none of that's realistic. I find myself changing often as well. So, why can't others? Why can't the world?

I don't know...

Change is the only constant in life.

That truth shakes me to my core.

What am I to do?

I'll close my eyes; I'll forget.

And I'll return to drifting down the river we call life.

It is better for me that way.

Unaware of the raging waters that surround me.

Content that the world stands still.

It is better for me that way.

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07-04-2022

I need a place to vent my frustrations and share my thoughts. I don't really want it connected to me. So, an "anonymous" tumblr it is!

I have a friend, Cory, who's been going through a rough time. He's lost his job, an ex of his is spreading nasty rumors about him, and he is having serious car troubles.

So, we decide to hang out a few days ago, and I get to hear more of the details. I listen, and I try to give advice (he's the type of person who looks for advice when he has a problem). We talk about what kind of jobs he's interested in. What he wants out of life, etc. Well, at the end of the day, he says nothing makes him happy and nothing brings him joy. So, he doesn't know what he'd want to do for work.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end with just hobbies and work. He references our friendship as well. "Sure it's nice to be able to hang out. However, after hanging out, at the end of the day you'll go home and nothing will have really changed."

When he said that, it hurt. I would hope that's not a dig at our friendship. I hope that it's not a critique of me. However, I still took it to heart. We've been friends for years. I enjoy his company, I always try to help when I can, and I feel like that single comment minimizes everything I've ever done to help him. Listening to his problems, encouraging him, trying to help him find work, loaning him money, etc.

I wonder, "Why bother being friends with me then?" Like, if I don't make your day a little better by being in it, why hang out with me? It makes me feel like I'm a bad friend. If all of my efforts amount to nothing at the end of the day, then why should I bother at all.

I want new friends. I don't have a lot, but it would be nice to have friends that appreciate me...