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[mommy2bprobz-blog]

Today Was The Day

No one ever tells you what rock bottom is or how it feels, because everyones rock bottom is different. A feeling and situation you cant escape no matter what exit strategy you think of. Im laying in bed, wearing the same outfit i had on yesterday minus my pants and bra. Im so hungry and weak, i feel like i could pass out. This is probably because im 9 weeks pregnant and the only thing ive eaten today is a bowl of lumpy malt o meal.  i stumbled into the kitchen half awake to make this about 4 hours ago when i felt so sick i thought i was going to throw up my baby. Ive cried 5 times already and its barely 1:30, with an hour long nap between when i woke up to now. My eyelashes are stuck together, and when i pull them apart i feel a salty residue on my fingers. I havent showered or brushed my teeth and im not sure ill even get to that point today. The most ive accomplished on this fine day is counting the number of sticky tac marks on the ceiling of my room from the previous owners of this apartment. I imagine they had a kid with those glow in the dark stars to look at before their precious child fell into sleep. My boyfriend has been nothing but patient and helpful since we found out im pregnant. Unfortunately ive managed to push him away so far because i cant stand the thought of someone seeing me failing miserably. Classic Lauren, disappearing when i dont have an answer for everything. I cant help but think that today, i realized im at my rock bottom.

                Finding out im pregnant has been one of the hardest things by far, ive ever gone through. Im 21 in an 8 month relationship, so its not the worst of situations. But i definitely wasnt ready. I was one of those people that swore they werent going to have kids until later on in their life.When i took the test by myself in a Tom Thumb bathroom, i cried in the stall for about 5 minutes while a lady occupied the one next to me. That shit was positive after about 3 seconds, no wait time, i was definitely pregnant. When i told my boyfriend, i was sure we would just get an abortion and move on with our lives. But by the end of our car ride, both of us couldnt see that as an option anymore. I did not want my first pregnancy to be a casualty caused by me. The first thing i did though, was call my mom and ask if i should keep the baby or not. Wrong thing to do, because anyone you ask will say its not their decision. I know because i asked 3 people very close to me, and i didnt get one solid answer. It was completely up to me.This decision was so intense and life changing either way i wanted to go. If i kept the baby, everything drastically changed and i would have someone that would look to me for the rest of my life with no breaks or time to myself. But if i didnt keep the baby, i didnt know if i would ever forgive myself for killing my first child. Im already a pretty emotionally deep person, and the thought of having a death on my shoulders made my heart so heavy. Especially since my reasons werent very good reasons to not keep the baby. I want to travel, I want to smoke and drink with friends, i dont want the responsibility yet. At this point i had been living on my own for years, bought cars on my own, had a full time job, and lived enough lifetimes for about 7 people. It was a selfish decision in my eyes, to say no to a child… my child. And so I became a mom.

                    The downfall since finding out is a pretty steep ass fall. My relationship has caved in and i lost my full time job! Fuck yeah to being pregnant and jobless. I had told one of my managers i was pregnant but i didnt want anyone to know. Well somehow all the other managers found out and i honest to God believe that they fired me for being pregnant. I had been working there for 2 and a half years. Never late, never written up, passed secret shops with a 100, never called in, came in when they needed help, had pretty close relationships with select managers, and i always did my job right. I made one single mistake. I got my first complaint, which every single employee there im sure has had complaints before, but this was my FIRST. The woman who fired me, reminds me of my dads girlfriend, which is probably why ive always been so stand offish with her. She sounds like her, like theyve sucked in too much helium and their voices will always be 8 octaves higher than it should be. And both are young, small white girls from small towns in Texas that no one has probably ever heard of. Weve all met a girl like this. I asked for understanding obviously, and tried to keep my job. But she was firm on the decision she had made. So i thanked her for the opportunity to work there and left. I texted my other managers and said i was glad to have met them and again thanked them for the opportunity as well. When i left, i thought i would be extremely hurt and upset. But i felt relieved… I had been working 50-70 hours a week there for over 2 years. I was burnt out and had contemplated finding a new job, but didnt because i was pregnant and thinking about money. But this just sped up the process. The only thing was i was not really prepared to get fired… I found a job the next day, but training was 2 weeks and this month my boyfriend and i were supposed to start a special savings fund for the baby and instead i would be 3 weeks without cash relying on my checkings and savings for my bills for the month. He said he would pay my bills, and i could take some time off to rest and figure things out. Which was very sweet. The only problem was that he lost his job 2 days later. So we were both jobless and expecting. Which put a strain on our relationship.

                         I didnt hold it against him. I had just been fired too. But bills were screaming at me, stresses of the baby were screaming at me, 2 weeks with no income was screaming at me. And i started pushing. I wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to figure my life out without anyone seeing me as a failure. Especially my partner. So i did what my job had done to me. Waited for something small to happen to cut things off so i could be alone and deal with my sorry ass life by myself. It wasnt justified. And i cant believe im hurting him for my own selfish problems. But im stressed the fuck out and i have no clue what the hell im doing right now. Everything in my life has been so sure. Job, bills paid on time, plan for the future, who i am. And now, i cant even get out of bed to eat a meal. How did this happen so fast and so drastically? Every decision i make im thinking of the baby inside of me. And right now, i think im a shit mom who needs to get it together before i really damage my life and my baby’s life. What does family look like to me? What is parenting? Maternity insurance? Delivery? Announcing my pregnancy? Its all unknown to me. So here i am, writing a blog of how im gonna make this work and do this for my kid. Hopefully what i learn along the way can be helpful to any other woman who is going through my same struggle. But for right now, im just as clueless as the rest of you....