monalamonala

[monalamonala]

Bad feelings

Recently I got a few days off of my work which got me very overjoyed.

I needed a bit extra free time for my hobbies, some things that I wanted to keep up with.

I'm quite an early bird, usually I'm up by 5 am latest, which gives me that relaxing feeling in a way knowing most people around me are sleeping. Almost some sort of mental relief in a way, as if I have a corner where I can be myself for a few hours. It's my freedom.

The day began quite nice, did some chores, some cleaning, eventually it turned to early noon.

And I received an upsetting message. I've been in a overly friendly relationship with her all my life, kept no secrets, shared absolutely everything with her for 26 years.

Yet the realization never hit me, until one day my at the time friend took me out and blatantly said 'She's manipulating you'.

Right after that my mind rewired itself, trying to connect the dots.

She was right, I have never had childhood, acting as an adult from age 6.

Acting mature, silent, well behaved was always normal when I was small, seemed like she was proud of it too. I almost never had any tantrums, as much as I remember, never asked for anything, it was always there in my mind that we could never afford it.

As a teenager rebellion was never much of an option for me, other than wearing dark clothes trying to belong to some sort of circle. That didn't work much either as I've been bullied for many years none of people my age wanted to be my friends, it's always been lonely, and it was always only her and emptiness in my heart.

Eventually switching schools was the best thing, it took a while, now in the end of my teenage years, some kind people said I have talent. It made me make friends, suddenly feeling of emptiness was replaced with feeling of rising self worth, charisma, personality that I never realized I had.

It lasted for a while, eventually got a job, but still spent my free time with people that enjoyed being with me, of course she didn't like that. Repeating how childish it is, it's time for me to grow up, and it planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

It grew, it bloomed and in one hand movement all was lost, it was only work, only home and her for years, that was the feeling of growing up. Doubt that she was wrong never occurred to me...

Eventually at age of 26 I left. Feeling like chance to truly discover myself was thrown out of my hands, yet the right person showed up in my life that wants to put me up together.

Feeling in my heart never came back, neither did the loneliness, but it was replaced with love and respect for him. It makes me feel like not all is lost, there is a chance, there is a way, just need to keep going and not give up, if not for me then for us.

It's us now, and the thought of it brings a joyful tear to my eye.

Never again HER.

blocked.

[monalamonala]

Questions to life

Life? Why are we turning to simplicity again?

Remembering how wrong it supposedly is to start a sentence with a question.

Why are we as humans going in circles back and forth?

Starting from living in caves with nothing just few necessities and urges, to eat, to sleep, to fuck.

We got more complicated as our curiosity got sparked, we started to crave more from our dull lives.

Later on it progressed into in a way endless hunger for more, hunger for change and growth.

Humanity developed to a point that makes nowadays us look back and puzzle from hours to days.

How more capable and advanced we actually were, how human creativity and curiosity had seemingly no end.

And what are we now?

An embarrassment.

I've heard the phrase going around so often now that it started to sound cliche 'We are entertaining ourselves to death'.

Couldn't be more correct, overuse of arts that have no strict borders to the point it has no meaning, to music that has no creativity and is just another remake of a remake.

Fashion got too entangled with art that is there just to make a statement of beliefs instead of being there to inspire other and make humanity strive for more.

Yet I believe, i still believe we will turn everything back around, because we, we humans always find a way back to the right track.

That is one of the few things that we had never failed to do.

[monalamonala]

adhd.

Lately i have discovered that i have severe concentration issues and they keep making me stay in this bad depression driven shape.

I'm getting a psychologist help now, but it is minimal compared to the changes i have to do.

I am trying to take small steps forwards the things that used to make me happy, one by one yet I believe it's going to be a long path.

It's not too many things that i do that actually make me happy now, i feel like the silly things that were enjoyable back when I was 17 are not suitable for me to enjoy when I'm near my 30's.

Or does it really matter? As long as i enjoy it?

Painting has always been one of those things, and yet I remember stopping it after I felt like I'm not good at it anymore.

[monalamonala]

Failure

I feel as if no matter what i do i keep failing, and evetualy falling deeper into that failure.

Feeling guilty i guilt trip my loved ones, i'm bad at taking responsibility of my actions.

Even more i fear myself of repeating same and same thing over again even though i got a hand of how my own mind works.

I just want to make my loved one happy, yet i feel like the ways i do it are wrong.

I need to recollect my mind to get better, i'd rather die than fail at loving him the way he deserves to be loved.

I'm thinking of making something nice for him, time to start over, time to take responsibility of my stupid actions.

[monalamonala]

Dick

I just looked up tag 'cowboy'

Most results consisted of trans girls in underwear with their bulge popping out, please stop.

I'm just looking for some cowboy shit, not random bulges, please stop haha

[monalamonala]

Eugeniya Dudnikova Moon Cowboy, 2019

[monalamonala]

Crown

Yesterday I had the most surprising experience with customers at the restaurant.

Out of all places a slightly elder couple comes in, nothing standing out much, except the mans hat, a flimsy hat to cover from sun in a similar shape of a cowboy hat.

It hit me first in that little brain of mine, could they be from America possibly?

I come up to them, then I get greeted with 'Hey mam' by a lady who could be more compatible in age with my own mother.

Caught me a little unprepared, but I found it quite cute, suddenly the conversation went on super easily.

It's been a while since I had a pleasant conversation as such, almost like I didn't want it to ever be over.

The lady was interested in local drink, yet ordered same thing as her husband, well you know good old trusted road never fails.

Later I decided to give her the local one as an extra, she was so surprised and opened up a bit how her vacation trip was not the smoothest.

Felt a little bad for her, being scammed by a cab driver just so he could earn a bit more cash, another reason why walking on foot is the best choice.

She suddenly picked out a little green paper bag while saying 'good deeds are rewarded' as in people have to be kind to one another.

The bag had a little ring sized crown, that's loose on my thumb, it made me chuckle a bit.

They were waiting for an upcoming boat, continuing their trip, wish they could have stayed a little bit more longer, it was truly pleasant to have them.

Hope they're safe and sound, wish the best of luck for them.

[monalamonala]

Poem

Back in the day, when I was a young young teenager, before i even received my first computer, I had a flaming passion for poems.

My silly little mind couldn't comprehend what about most of them were as I was not very understanding of deeper meanings.

But the way they sounded, especially the ones about long lasting love, it made my tiny heart shake in excitement.

Wanting to be loved just as purely as those poems described, holding your loved one so firmly yet so delicately with your heart open for the world to see.

I always found such finer arts very pure, poems, singing, writing, painting.

We are losing the ability to open up to one another, to show our true mind, art was made for that, yet the more of it I see the more it seems like it is leading opposite direction.

Maybe just maybe, I should write a few, without rhyming, just my beautiful feelings on a sheet of paper.

I want to write at least one for him, really want to pour my heart out, even if it would be embarrassingly cheesy.

SAY CHEEEEEEZE!

[monalamonala]

Merriam-Webster: Medical Definition of melomaniac

1: an individual exhibiting melomania

2: an individual (as a person or dog) that is inordinately and abnormally affected by musical or other tones in certain ranges of sound

[monalamonala]

Open laptop

I have been looking at my opened laptop for a few minutes trying to put my thoughts together.

There were so many things I wanted to write down when I come back home, yet again the phone distraction was too hard.

It is time to acknowledge the phone addiction is quite strong in my life.

Makes me think of my beloved, lately he has been more interested in phone entertainment also, yet I do not see that as an issue like me.

Broken earphones gave me more times in silence that made me think more, which was a good think and also a curse in a way.

Curse might be too strong of a word, yet my mind kept overthinking not giving me any sort of relief.

Writing this sentence got me thinking...

If silence makes me think, and usually music distracts my thinking there is one great use of music.

Music during sex!

I am genius.

[monalamonala]

Can't wait to finish work today and come back to write some more

[monalamonala]

New day, new note

Yesterday was a nice day, other than suddenly having ans extra day off putting it to use is even better.

Connecting with the nature while walking on the beach, hand in hand with my beloved one, no thing in live is truly better than that.

I have been learning to be a better partner, to go more with the flow, bite my tongue a bit because of my awful temper and it is going tremendously well.

Maybe, just maybe if I finally deal with my terrible ego I will be successful in life and make him happy.

That is indeed all my heart desires.

I need to continue to work on myself, and lately that idea excites me.

[monalamonala]

Mind numbing

Today is supposedly a holiday of some sorts, since I am after all a country bumpkin with no understanding of the word culture i have no idea what it is.

Other than that it's a wonderful day, fresh air breeze, bright sun and flags being tossed by the wind, melting ice cream on a stick that i got for us, what else is there to wish for.

oh there he comes, writing for next time.

[monalamonala]

they're just radiating with that charming internal chaos

seagull’s rules 4 living

[monalamonala]

Seagulls

I find it incredibly fascinating how talkative and interactive with each other those silly white birds are.

I tried to fill their bellies with shrimp crackers throwing them straight through the kitchen window facing the street.

WE have bought a little patch of the land with a lovely white, a little shabby yet oh so dear to me at the moment house.

All i feel missing is some sort of pet, animal companion, that energy fills my heart with peace whenever I spend time with them.

Maybe it is one of the reason why I'm giving mouth watering snacks for those flying clowns, while passing by car drivers are giving me crocked looks of confusion thinking I am the actual clown.

Or maybe, just maybe it is just my low self esteem ruining small enjoyable things in life.

This or that is not what interests me at the moment, more of a worry in my head is what side dish will we have with that juicy steak tonight.

[monalamonala]

[monalamonala]

It's been a while

Since the time we knew each other, you looked somewhat different from other people.

Somewhat stupid, way too stupid, way too energetic, you wobbled around like an idiot.

Just like a boiling noodle in a pot

When i tried to reach out to you, you answered.

You've been so gentle to me, understanding, generous, warm, such a beautiful soul.

You opened up to me, you trusted me, it means so much to me.

I feel needed with you.

As time passed i felt attached to you more, more everyday to the point when i can't live without you.

We never met before, we looked into each others eyes, we never saw each others smile.

But i know you feel the same as i do, even if just a little, you still do.

I'll give all my heart, and put all my time and patience into this feeling, i need it to grow, to get stronger to the point when you won't be able to live without me, just like me.

I love you, and i trust you

You're the only person that i truly trust, wich is more difficult to say than 'i love you'

I'm ready to take you out of your shell, and i will always stay by your side, trust me as i trust you my beautiful beautiful person