monologuesofthebored - Tumblr blog

[monologuesofthebored]

It’s something to finally think about this blog, go through the effort of getting access to it again, and looking through the old accounts and friends I had. Lots of deactivated accounts. It’s been nearly 6 years. Isn’t that something.

[monologuesofthebored]

I wish I knew why I keep feeling this way. it's been 8 months. it's been forever. why do I keep thinking of you. why can't I just let it go. I want to be happy again. I want to forget everything we did and pretend you never came into my life. I want to wake up and feel ok. I want to be able to go through a day without thinking of you, wondering what you're doing, wondering if you're with someone, wondering what you've got in your system, wondering if you're OK. I want this to stop. it needs to stop. I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm so tired of it. I'm just so fucking tired and all I want is you to come back and it's never going to happen, I burnt the bridge then nuked it then salted the earth it stood on. this isn't fair. I'm so tired.

[monologuesofthebored]

Rant.

I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm tired. All the time. I just can't care about anything. I wake up. Have coffee. Have smoke. Shower. Pack up my shit. Go to work. Try to stay focused enough to get something done. Avoid coworkers. Go home. Make supper. Crash in bed. Try to sleep. Can't. Try a bit more. Can't. Get up. Do something. Anything to shut my mind off. Either tire myself out or fall asleep in the chair with a guitar in my hands. Nothing I do feels good enough. Nothing I write comes out the way I want. Nothing I draw is something someone would want to hang up. Nothing I work on feels fulfilling, or like something I'd want to do. I had so many ideas. So many plans. So many things I wanted to do. And I just don't give of a fuck to do them. I spend all of my willpower trying to keep myself under control and I can't. Nothing works anymore. Nothing happens. I lose myself. I lost myself a long time ago. I don't have anyone up here. What I was scared would happen has happened. I'm in a city of a million people with next to no friends. And the friends I do have don't call, or text, or ask to hang out. Maybe they're not friends. I don't know. And I can't go home anymore without getting tensed up. Tensed that I'll fuck something up. I'm so tired of feeling like that. I'm an outsider in every group I know. Wanderlust broken. Wanderlust broken, wandering brokenhearted.

[monologuesofthebored]

I can't remember the last time I felt this alone. Halifax? Maybe. But as crappy as I felt in Hali I still had people to do things with. I can go and fool around with as many girls as I want and all I'm doing is just trying to fake the feeling I once had. I can go out and party and I'm barely keeping my head on straight. I can't go home anymore and let myself unwind because I just get tensed and nervous that I'll hear something. I just want that feeling back again. Let me come over and fake it for a night, darling, it's all I want.

[monologuesofthebored]

How often do I wish I just wouldn't wake up?

[monologuesofthebored]

Don't cry. With my toes on the edge, it's such a lovely view. Don't cry. I never loved anything until I loved you. Inside. I'm over the edge, what can I do? Shine. I happen to think it's all like you.

[monologuesofthebored]

Maybe you're better off this way.

[monologuesofthebored]

Sometimes when my mind loses itself I write. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.

[monologuesofthebored]

Gonna take back what you stole.

I’m gonna take back control.

[monologuesofthebored]

I just want you out of my head.

[monologuesofthebored]

No way out, same old stuff drags me down again.

[monologuesofthebored]

Why the fuck does so much shit remind me of you.

[monologuesofthebored]

[monologuesofthebored]

I'd like to have a friend who would just text me sometimes and say "Hey, let's go do something tonight."

[monologuesofthebored]

I once dated a girl that I truly thought was going to be my wife. She had everything I wanted at the time. The first girl I had ever felt so strongly about that I wanted to marry her. And then, it ended. I don’t remember why we broke up, it was so long ago. Something about wanting to do different things with our lives, I guess. But that was the worst I felt. Don’t think I don’t know how you’re feeling. You really feel like you found ‘the one’, and ‘the one’ didn’t want you. It sucks. There’s nothing you can do. Time is all that works, and I know that, and you know that, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved a girl as much as I did her. Not any of the girls I dated after her, and even your mom. I didn’t share near as much with any girl as I did with her. I didn’t let myself. That breakup wrecked me. I was a drunk for almost a year. I never gave any girl as much love as I gave her, because I never wanted to feel that way again. I was terrified of it happening again. Giving a girl all I had, and losing it. So I never did it again.

Whether that was the right thing to do or not, I don’t know. What I do know is that I did find another girl, I ended up loving that girl, maybe not as much, but it was love. And that girl became my wife and your mom, and we’ve enjoyed our lives together as much as a couple can.

So you’ve got some long work ahead of you. And I can’t say what will happen. Things work out, sometimes. Sometimes they don’t, and I know you know that. Keep your chin up. Don’t do anything stupid. I’m sure you already have. Just get through it. Eventually things will fade. The bad nights won’t be every night. They’ll eventually go away. And that’s all you can do. And you know yourself better than I do, and you know when you need help. And if you need help, get it. Don’t put it off.

-my dad’s wisdom to me when I was feeling my worst.

It’s good wisdom.

[monologuesofthebored]

I should do this more often in class

[monologuesofthebored]

No days for nights, no cocaine cons.