moonsmaxxing

[moonsmaxxing]

lately sometimes i get weirdly upset over all the tiny forms of physical intimacy i’m never going to have again considering that i basically don’t let people touch me at all. like even if i had stuck scales i wouldn’t be asking someone for help getting them off. and i would not feel at all safe totally covered up by someone’s wing. but it’s just been on my mind nonstop lately anyway. i mean… i’d like the option.

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noo i thought i’d finally gotten to a point where i don’t really care that much about my alter’s weird rarepair involving my mother until i accidentally thought of it in passing as “[name redacted for privacy]/mom” … i think i’m gonna be sick that’s so WEIRD

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every once in a while i find a tweet we screenshotted but didn’t end up reposting here and i’m like Well wait that’s really funny. why didn’t we post that. and without fail it’s because moon feels weird about being self-deprecating with doubles following ? do you actually care i’m curious

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if i had like 10% less self control every other post on this blog would just be “i miss my mom”

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for the record the situation is that i (we?) may have a similar-to-canon timeline on top of the other two. i think it’s likely that i (river) am more strongly connected to it because it seems like i’m usually in front when anything comes up relating to it ? but i don’t really know. but anyways i’d/we’d been planning to read arc 3 sometime soon (maybe as a way of tricking q into fronting actually. if i can just get him to front on his own for a few hours i think we’ll be fine…) but now i’m like. okay do i just need to suck it up and read arc 2 again while all the wounds are as fresh as humanly (draconically?) possible? is that the best way of dealing with this? we try not to influence alters that aren’t done forming with excessive source exposure but i mean i’ve literally been here since september. maybe it’ll… help. somehow.

almost certain there is in fact a third moon timeline but the one memory i appear to have from it is so upsetting i honestly don’t even want to poke at it. anyway it’s a fucking canon scene. kidlit… never change.

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almost certain there is in fact a third moon timeline but the one memory i appear to have from it is so upsetting i honestly don’t even want to poke at it. anyway it’s a fucking canon scene. kidlit… never change.

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i’m so high and sleepy and cozy and still kind of wired from the party i went to i deleted my first draft instead of editing the tags by accident so just know that going in

but today i got possibly a great and really fucking specific compliment except i was really standing there thinking wow. this is just like when [redacted] said i [redacted] like [redacted] ☺️☺️ which like humiliating that i am ever thinking about compliments from other lives much less when receiving compliments in this life oh my god

i mean to be fair it kind of was though! hell i actually reacted the same way too. that’s kind of why i had the thought haha i was so visibly surprised by the specificity that she immediately started clarifying which she had not really done in quite that manner. which is almost exactly what happened with [redacted] but with a slightly meaner tone if i’m being honest

[moonsmaxxing]

you know the more i think about it the more i think my problem in the main timeline was that i was further in the process of learning to verbalize when i was brought to the volcano and immediately bombarded with stimulation while also learning to speak and i was basically forced to learn faster because i was far enough along that that was even possible.

in the first timeline while there was a lot of pressure on me to make myself useful quickly i was basically pre-verbal when i got there and so i didn’t start talking at all for a long time so they weren’t really able to do much at all with me at first. (actually, some of the dragons didn’t believe i was a mind reader at all early on, but the way they proved it to those dragons was by thinking things i wouldn’t be able to not react to and of course they were almost always terrifying so i gave up on trying to pretend i wasn’t a mind reader to make that stop. i didn’t have the extra clout of being a seer since i had the sense to hide that so my only form of resistance to certain things like that was really just completely shutting down and hoping i didn’t go on autopilot and that’s a skill i had to develop over time.)

[moonsmaxxing]

not really moon but another alter. going to go by river for now i think, but i split off of moon in september and seem to basically share her memories so i think i can use this blog too.

it kind of seems like our first timeline (and also maybe the one we’re not sure exists yet but it really seems like there’s a third thing going on) got shunted over to me ? i have much easier access to them than moon has in a very long time and kind of suspect it’s because she forgot to account for personality changes.

like yeah of course i wasn’t as mean. i was trying a lot harder to fly under the radar because i absolutely had to. i also isolated myself from the tribe in a very different fashion. some of what i don’t remember doesn’t make any sense though i can tell i’m still making assumptions that aren’t right. it’s just so hard to decode this stuff sometimes. i’m just saying i think i’m getting closer. but who knows if this will “stick”

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convincing myself my bad dream last night about having extensive visible dental decay was a prophetic warning to motivate myself to brush my teeth. work smarter not harder

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intended to spend my day on other things but my mind is stuck on the whole darkstalker business again. it’s just embarrassing that i as moon was so easily manipulated by someone whose thoughts i could literally hear. i mean i know that’s literally the problem, that’s why it was so easy, because i hadn’t ever seen actual sophisticated defenses before. but. it’s still just. it’s hard.

i don’t remember it very well so even when i do decide to talk about it i couldn’t be detailed if i wanted to. i remember it all through a haze. but i remember i thought i was being so proactive. keeping an eye out, keeping my notes. looking for things that appear or disappear with no explanation or rooms that seem to change shape or size, doors that suddenly lock or aren’t doors anymore at all. crosschecking all my little maps and inventories against old documents. and obviously i was always checking other dragons’ brains. and it STILL took complete removal from the situation for someone to snap me out of it and point out that i wasn’t even making full use of the data i had much less collecting anything that was actually useful. not that that’s all i was doing but… it was really obvious from just a quick look at my notes that i was missing things. really big things.

i know we’re all vulnerable to it. obviously. i also wholeheartedly believe i’m too smart to fall for this shit and always have no matter what proof i receive to the contrary. i know that’s arrogant and dangerous but it FEELS true. and then i end up in these situations where i literally don’t know how much is my own bad decisions and how much is someone else manipulating me and how much is some other potential form of influence. where do you draw the lines?

anyway. i don’t know. it’s over now. and i did what i could to fix it. and i kept doing what i could to fix it forever. i don’t even remember most of it, mostly when i try to remember that period it just feels like endless wandering through empty old hallways punctuated by confusing arguments i can’t quite remember the resolution to. details slip off my brain like water off a duck. so it just. it frustrates me because i know i tried to make up for it but i don’t even know what “it” is. ugh. whatever.

[moonsmaxxing]

just remembered our main term for “feisty” literally meant “bites upwards” - i assume it had a similar origin to “bite the hand that feeds you” ?

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so… this obviously isn’t something that was true in my lives as moon because this stuff was so long gone there was basically no real record of it. but in the old kingdom we actually had a specific category of socially recognized… basically queerplatonic relationships, but only for mind readers? it’s not like. exactly that. but it was just so common for two mind readers to… i’m going to say become bonded, that it just sort of. became a fairly normalized thing.

i actually don’t know of any other kind of socially recognized relationships beyond standard romantic and sexual relationships and political marriages in either time, although i definitely didn’t know everything haha, but the rainwings are the only tribe you could argue recognized that type of relationship in my time as moon and it was more just that the category of sexual and romantic relationships was very broad and loose, so you’d have a lot of rainwing couples that were basically platonic life partners, and you do have some of the same downstream effects because of the scale colors but not really the same level of… symbiosis.

it was basically the only way you could have a legally recognized relationship outside of traditional marriage in the nightwing tribe at that time too - even a coparenting relationship was technically illegitimate if the secondary parent found a new partner but two mind readers who had paired… well it was actually kind of exactly like a civil partnership haha. they tended to be insanely codependent because their brains had basically grown to function as connected units, often if one partner died the other would be obviously “off” possibly for the rest of their life, like someone who’s mostly healed from a tbi but you can tell something is different even if you don’t know what.

i remember a few times hearing discussions where it was obvious that a few dragons saw the legal recognition as enabling unhealthy behaviors, but i don’t know, i feel really conflicted about it. especially now being In a similar dynamic where i am kind of codependent with someone i share a brain with and i actually don’t think that’s inherently unhealthy. it was this really unique thing and i think ultimately extending that right to a legally recognized relationship without romance or sex to the rest of the population would have been the right answer but it certainly wasn’t happening under vigilance.

but since the criteria for legal recognition was basically that both parties are able to think better in the presence of the other (this would be assessed by another mind reader, but this was a formality that i honestly think was just supposed to make you feel watched) it was pretty explicitly bound to mind reading. so i guess they’d have had to tweak things a bit.

this mostly started with close friends, often friends who met in classes for mind readers, which were generally kept small and private for obvious reasons, but you’d also see it with siblings (specifically usually hatchmates but your chance of two different-aged dragonets being moonborn and specifically mind readers were quite low) and occasionally even across age groups with a parent or possibly an instructor of some sort. (obviously the latter were sometimes kind of icky but a lot of the times more resembled an adult adoption than anything. not to say mind readers are incapable of bad relationships though i’d even go so far as to say they’re(/we’re) often inclined towards them but part of why it was necessary to have other mind readers in your life was that it reduces bad relationships, in theory at least, like we had social structures for this already even if they weren’t perfect)

anyway. i don’t know of any other tribe that would legally recognize more than one relationship for one dragon aside from the nightwings around that time (we’d had it for a while, i’m not sure how long) even though i know certain tribes were (relatively…) casual about polyamory… but i think nightwings were kind of unusual at that time for even having as much marriage as we did, most tribes would have laughed at the idea that anyone but a noble needed any of that shit. and things were generally pretty lax and you rarely needed a marriage for anything. but i still always thought it was nice that the other option existed… even if it only existed for ~2% (?) of the population

[moonsmaxxing]

reblog if ur mom is smart and beautiful

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in some ways i guess i’m glad i couldn’t fly in the first place because i think losing that to illness at this age would be really fucking hard for me. at least when i’m out there staring at the sky i know my body just isn’t made for that anymore