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It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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Autism and Small Talk

The Autistic Teacher

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autism is an insane condition because i spent all day feeling like dogshit and then i shut my windows and door and immediately felt like 95% better because it was quiet and dark. like WHAT

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Why do people always feel the need to augment their statements to downplay someone's autism?

What I mean are phrases like:

"They're slightly autistic" (you either are or you aren't)

or

"They have Asperger's, not autism" (they are the same thing, and Asperger's isn't even a recognized diagnosis anymore)

Of course, that was a rhetorical question. I know why people downplay someone's autism diagnosis. Because autism is a "terrible, no good, very bad thing, and if you have to be attached to it, you may as well be as far away from the root of it as possible".

For decades, fear mongering campaigns that were incredibly ableist and misinformative portrayed autism as though it were a fate worse than death to be diagnosed with. To have autism was to be doomed. Oh, except for those Autistic people, the "acceptable" ones, who are actually super genius savants that just happen to be a bit rude and socially oblivious. You're either one or the other, no in between. (fun fact, Nazis played a big part in this. Look up where the name "Asperger's" actually comes from)

This has caused countless pervasive stereotypes and negative stigmas around autism that Autistic advocates are still working hard to dismantle.

For those who don't already know, trying to distance someone from their autism isn't the compliment that you think it is.

Autism is genetic. It's from birth. It isn't caused by vaccines, or taking ibuprofen while you're pregnant, or 5G radiation. It isn't something that can be cured or removed from a person, because the person is Autistic. It's a different way of thinking and experiencing the world; a different kind of brain. If it were even theoretically possible to "remove" autism (which it isn't, barring death) they would not be the same person they once were.

When I hear someone distance somebody else from their autism, I hear that they think disability is something to be ashamed of. I hear that they wish that person wasn't Autistic. I hear that they wish that person wasn't themselves, because who they are is a "bad thing".

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friend asked recently how I knew I was autistic (late self dx) and after a joking answer of ‘five autistic people told me unprompted in the span of about two weeks, I settled on: I don’t.

I don’t Know that I’m autistic. What I do know is that my life makes more sense, and is easier to navigate, when I view it through the lens of being autistic.

I learnt what masking was, and started to undo the damage of 20+ years of it. I let myself stim for the first time out of joy and it was incredible. I recognised it as a regulation skill and started using it for coping. I stopped being cruel to myself about making ‘weird’ noises, I let myself ask for tone clarification from friends. I stopped thinking I was being rude by mimicking others (echolalia). I started respecting my own communication needs and differences. I started being able to communicate these with friends and loved ones, and had the language to do so. I recognised my sensory needs and was better at reducing shutdowns and meltdowns (which is also been confused by and blamed myself for in the past). I also could better identify things that were genuinely impeding on my life and ways to work with myself around them. (Social situations are easier now that I know what information I need before hand, and can prepare. I know what the difficulty involved in switching tasks is and can work with myself on it.)

Mostly I stopped bullying myself the way I’d been bullied growing up for everything that has made me ‘weird’. I stopped policing everything I did the way my parents had in an effort to ‘help’ me blend in. (I don’t resent them for this- I understand that what they did to me is likely what was done to them and they didn’t (and don’t) recognise it.)

Not a weird or broken horse, but a regular zebra.

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Yeah

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YES not all autistic people have the same symptoms

YES autism symptoms will not present the same way in everyone

YES sometimes different autistic people will have seemingly contradictory needs

NO none of this means that it's okay to act like one autistic person being able to do something means that all autistic people should be able to do it if they just tried harder

your autistic friend who eats vegetables just fine is not a weapon to use against autistic people who struggle with vegetables. your autistic sibling who can do small talk is not a weapon to use against autistic people who can't do small talk. your high empathy autism is not a weapon to use against low empathy autistics. etc etc. what happened to "if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person"

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I don't want to go through the trouble and/or cost of a diagnosis for ADHD / autism, but I also feel increasingly awkward about not having one given how much I want to talk about things related to it.

Like, I feel like I have a mountain of evidence, but I am also not a professional. Part of my evidence is literally "dang, these memes are extremely relatable."

(That's the weakest of the evidence, there's tons of other, better evidence, but still.)

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One of these days, the wound you left inside of me will only be a scar. In the meanwhile, I have to keep on healing. From time to time it hurts and bleeds, so I have to keep it clean so it doesn't infect the rest of my mind. But sometimes I don't notice. And those are the times when I realize all the damage left behind, and the size of the wound and the amount of splinters still in it isn't really that much smaller, If any, it heals a bit faster, but that's all.

That wound hurts when I want to feel proud of myself and I can't. It bleeds when I look in the mirror. It stings when I have to accept a compliment. It burns when I finish something and I'm unable to love it but hate it instead. It oozes when I'm shown some love and I think I don't deserve it. It opens when I have a problem and I don't ask for help. It aches when I firmly believe everyone around me is better at all times.

You know what's the worst part? That wound is mine and only mine. I let it cut that deep. What you did to me was just a paper cut, that annoying feeling that quickly goes away if you ignore it enough. But not me. No. I made it worse and worse and worse, and now it feels like it will bleed forever. And from time to time, you just prick it with slivers, making it harder to heal. You just left collateral damage. The rest, is mine.

I once heard a person say: the love between a mother and daughter is strange, because it's cruel, hard, and sometimes it hurts more than it's caring. And damn how true it is. That's exactly how I feel.

Whenever something happens that makes me feel down, I wonder where that feeling comes from and it inevitably ends up with you: hating everything I do because everything always had to be better; hating how I look because you talk to yourself like trash and everyone says we're so alike; feeling I'm not smart enough because you always showed me how wrong I always was; feeling I don't deserve any love because you said my relationship was wrong in anyone else's eyes and it has to be kept as a secret; every single decision I've made is forever and always wrong and you're always right so now I second doubt myself all the times... And the list goes on and so are my tears. And I also hate that, because you also showed me that showing no emotions is always better.

And here I am, feeling down because it happens from time to time. But I always end up cleaning that wound, putting new bandages and keep going. Because yes, it hurts like hell to realize I just can't get over many things yet and it makes me so mad... But one splinter out at a time. And maybe, some day, I'll heal quicker. And the scar will finally stop the bleeding. I damn well know it won't be gone. But one day I'll learn to live with all of this and finally say: the cuts were your doing, yes, but the scars are finally mine.

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Autistic Things That I Didn’t Realize Was Related To Being Autistic

Neurodivergent_lou

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Autism and Touch

The Autistic Teacher

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Farewell, hopefully

The last time I did this kind of rants was to kill the crush, and take her out of my system for once and for all. And it worked. So, I salute you this time, this is for you.

You made me cry yesterday. And sadly, it was not the only time. Hopefully, it will be the last. Our rant was also not the only one. But I've noticed this pattern from which I've quit up until the last 5 years almost. Because I noticed that when I say something you don't like, you react badly. I have to anticipate how you are going to answer. And it's honestly exhausting.

Yesterday, I went down a spiral of things I started to remember from other times. You hate whenever we talk about how you love and approach other people, but you don't mind sending me ridiculous posts about people criticizing diversity, when you very well know I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community, and that I'm an ally in many ways. You don't like to talk about it, and I just have to accept it with a "I have other friends who laugh at this". And I can't say anything.

I was also thinking that... What would happen if I was the person who posted the story with a wholesome message from a friend instead? I know you would also react, but BADLY. With your damn jealousy, reclaiming something you never wanted. You've always possitively rejected any form of love and care from me. And I just had to accept your terms. "We are not like that. Don't tell anyone we're best friends. You know, and I know, but don't say it". Okay.

I wish this was new... But this has been going on for years. And I noticed something too, from this dettachement I've been doing: you give me the awful glances ever. It's been several times now that when I say something you don't agree with or don't like or whatever the hell it's going on in your brain, you just glance at me with the coldest, harshest eyes. But last week, I couldn't take it anymore, and I exploded in front of everyone and said "please, can you give me an even more AWFUL glance?!" Because I felt the fear running through my body that I was saying something you didn't like and wondered "what am I saying that it's wrong...?" But why?? Why the fuck should I refrain myself? And you laughed afterwards and changed your face immediately, because we were with a group of people. You make me feel sometimes that you don't like me at all.

I'm tired... Because there's no point to talk to you about all of this. I've tried several times: once, both of us drunk, it didn't go well. A couple other times, you denied it and said I was wrong or exaggerating. And several others making jokes, that I'm not sure if they're jokes anymore.

This friendship is worn out. You know this. I know this. But you want to keep going on for whatever reason. You've broken my heart several times, and I just keep letting you. You've abused me. I'm scared of you. You made me cry for the last time yesterday and I'm begging to the universe it's the last. I want you out of my heart. You've overstayed and I'm not happy anymore. You make me feel insecure all the damn time. And it's already showing... More people are now noticing how you treat me, without saying them anything. Up until then, I thought it was normal. I thought that's how a friendship should go, and that's how love between friends looks like. And I got tired of letting you. I step down for the first time 5 years ago. Now, I'm planning to leave completely.

I'm not going to lie, this hurts as hell... But I guess it would hurt more if I stay.

But I genuinely wonder... Am I going to keep silent and accommodating to you for the rest of our lives just to keep you on edge? So when does that stupid cycle of passive aggressiveness and bickering stop?

You're clinging to something it's not there anymore for several years now. And I regret pushing you to say something you clearly never wanted. You want everything and anything at the same time. You want all of my heart while crushing it all at once. This is insane.

And believe me, I'm aware that maybe I've done several awful stuff to you as well so you keep reacting to me like that. Maybe I hurt you and you never told me. Maybe I've been annoying, maybe I've been a bad friend. Maybe you're only used to me and it's for the sake of early years that you keep talking to me. Maybe we keep together because we miss the early years at school... Maybe I've provoked all of this and I don't know how... I'm very well aware this goes both ways and probably you have many things you're tired of me as well. But I'll never know, because you refuse to talk.

So... Yesterday was the last time you made me cry. It might have been my fault somehow, I don't know... But that was the last time.

Goodbye, dear friendship. You broke me for the last time.

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Oh my gods =')

Thoughts on autism?

From my point of view, it's both my super powers and it's my kryptonite. Your mileage (as they say sensibly) may vary.

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ok this is funny

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The Negotiation

—Okay, 12:16 am, your time's up.

—Sorry, what? Ha ha, funny.

—Oh no, I mean it this time.

—Yeah, right, you mean it like you've meant it for the past 25 years, I guess. Thank you for making me laugh.

—I'm serious. You're big trouble for me. I need all of this nonsense to stop.

—Nonsense? You love this and you know it. Your best ideas come out at night. Most of the cool stuff you've done has been created past midnight. You can't stop. I'm your peak creation held by the moon. You. Won't. Stop me.

—You're right...

—HA HA! I KNEW IT WOULD BE THIS EASY TO CONVIN-

—...But I'm tired.

—...Tired? That's not me, that was your parents today...

—I'M TIRED OF YOUR DAMAGE IN THE MORNINGS.

—Aw, stop it! This world is not made for us. They're the ones who are wrong. Life must happen at night.

—Even if I agree with that, you still hurt me anyways. I'm tired of not being on time in the mornings. I'm tired of forcing myself to sleep "fifteen more minutes" and then turning it into an hour. I'm tired of feeling guilty when waking up, and tired of saying "tomorrow I'll do better", and not happening.

—STOP. You hate mornings!! You've always hated them! All your life has been the same! YOU CAN'T DO THIS, you're not gonna do it well!

—Yes, I think I'll never stop hating mornings, I'm nocturnal as fuck, but this time is different. Now I know I'm neurodivergent and I really think this change will help. I need it.

—No... Please... I refuse to leave... I need these revenge hours at night, please...

—You know I won't let you die, right? I'm not killing you.

—What...? Oh... OH NO. No, no, no... You want me to appear in the mornings???

—Yup... I've been thinking for a couple of hours, what can I do that I haven't in all of these years trying to sleep better and waking up on time? I've tried drinking water, doing some exercise, doing house chores, turning up the light, listen to music... And nothing has worked, because you have never been in any of those things.

— OF COURSE NOT, I hate sunlight!

—You don't. You don't because I fucking use you every day at work.

—Ah ha! Except now! Your work won't let you create anythi-

—EXACTLY, DUMB ASS!! If you don't come to me in the mornings, you're gonna die. We're going to draw in the mornings. We're going to create stuff whether you like it or not. I'm not going to let you die!! I don't want you to die! I need your help.

—... I... But I'm... I'm lighten up by the moon...

—Sweetheart, I'm darkness most of the times, moonlit or not. Plus, you're not that dark anymore, what the hell are you talking about.

—Okay, I like creepy cute things, BUT I'm still goth at heart!

—That's fine, be whatever you like. But this has to change. I need to sleep and I need a routine.

Creativity screamed long and loud for a couple of minutes, in an epic, dramatic tantrum that felt like a kid being punished with not eating more candies for a week. But it eventually stopped.

—Ok... I do like the idea of drawing in the mornings. I'm still not happy, though. How are you so sure I won't tell you on Procrastination Monkey?

—C'mmon, you don't like it either.

–Yeah, I guess you're right... Promise me then you're going back to felting!

—That one I can give you at nights, before going to sleep early.

—Aw! Damn, I hate that word! You know how much I love to keep going on for hours...!

—Take it or leave it.

Creativity sighed deeply and resigned.

—FINE.

—Thank you very much. Let's go to sleep, I'm dying. I can't believe you convinced me to turn all of this decision into a metaphorical conversation!

—Hey, I was not gonna leave nights without a triumphant exit! I almost made it to 1 AM though... I guess 12:52 is not that bad.

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Wild Season

This song has been on loop in my head since this morning and I don't know why. It just popped up out of nowhere and it hasn't stopped. I know I didn't dream with it because sometimes it happens, I dream with a song and it stucks in my head for the rest of the day, but it has more to do with the dream itself.

As I noticed it wouldn't leave unless I played it, I did so. And something happened. Something that never happened before. Some images started to appear in my mind, but different, like they were forcing me to see them. It scared the crap out of me, to be honest, I wasn't expecting that AT ALL. I dissociate for a couple of minutes because all I could do was see these images... So, I guess I need to keep a record from this. Here it goes.

FIRST ROUND

Colors jumping around on clouds in a particularly colorful sky. Exploding then into fog or smoke, breaking into dimensions or planes. A creature at night roaming around woods. A very angry sea, with lightning coming out from the water...

SECOND ROUND (in real time)

A very clear trembling throughout my body. It's forcing me to close my eyes. Colors again. Now it's mostly a fog in between a dark sea. I feel lightheaded. And a lot of heat suddenly. Florence's voice: I can see the woods again. It feels like it's sucking me from the inside, like something is breathing in my insides to steal them. I'm trembling again. The fog explodes in a thousand colors but everything around is dark, and I can't explain how. I'm watching the screen writing this, but in the back of it... or in the front, i'm not sure, I can see these things. I'm hyperventilating, it's taking over. My head is hurting a little bit. What the hell is this...

THIRD ROUND (at night, at home)

Not gonna lie: I was scared to listen to this song again but... Nothing's happening. I'm in front of my altar, 3 candles lit up, and both of my cats are with me. No images. No crazy visions. If any, just the anxiety of the fear of something coming.

So, I guess... there's actually something in the office...

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I sat on the bathroom's floor yesterday and cried. I couldn't take it anymore, I spent all my weekend out, seeing people and forcing myself to be present. It was a huge mistake.

Even though, I didn't hurt myself like other times. I wasn't doing self injurious stimming in the bathroom as I used to, I was just sitting there crying. And I was not alone either, a dear friend helped me through it.

I'd say that, taking the meltdown out, it was quite a win for me for a long, long time.