moony-sweaters

[moony-sweaters]

i want to be more, and i don’t know how to explain it.

i want to be the girl laying under an open window in paris, dark purple hair reading Camus and sipping her tea. the man she was with last night lay asleep next to her, she’s almost sure she knows his name, she’s in love with him, she’ll forget him when he leaves, the only trace of his sliver of her life being the impression in the pillow next to her and the faint smell of his cologne, both will be gone by night. she won’t miss any of them when she finds herself.

I want to be the mother in the grocery store, long soft brown hair, blue eyes. the baby boy on her hip has the same ones, he is learning to reach out for everything he sees, his eyes full of wonder his heart full of hope, and every time she looks at him she hopes that glow never goes away, she won’t notice the day it does but rather years later wishing she could have saved him from this world but hoping he can make it on his own anyways. he will thank her in the dedication of his first novel, he learned what love was from her kind eyes.

i want to be the blonde girl in the front row of a shitty little bar concert, her first legal drink in hand but she can shoot whiskey like it’s water—some things are truly an inherited trait—the smoky glitter falling off her eyes and when the bassist asks her back to his hotel room over a cigarette she won’t be surprised. she will continue this way until she finds the love of her life behind the bar of a show in San Diego three years later

i want to be the girl in his arms on the couch, they’re 20 and 22 and finally feel alive. she’s loved him since she was 14 and first saw him, but didn’t get to feel that love until she was 16 and they met again, she’s always known there was something tying them together, that’s why when she turned 18 they got red string tattoos, that’s why when he was 21 he asked her to marry him for the second time, the first time they were 16 and 17 laying in bed after a night out, he thought she was asleep, she almost started crying because she had never felt so entirely loved before, not for who she was. they will die together after a life full of love.

how am i supposed to continue on when i have so much love to give and no time to give it, how can i not just want to die from the sheer lack of time we are given, so the instinct to cut it short comes about so frequently i hardly acknowledge it anymore, im cooking and think about slitting my wrist half way through the meal, im driving to my loves house and can’t help the urge to crash so bad i don’t make it there, i go to take the meds to keep me alive and wish i could take the whole bottle. love makes us want to die. love is a gamble and the idea of losing it is worse than death, but love is the only reason we are alive, we could never make it without at least the fantasy of a feeling so good we may as well be a star exploding to create a new universe.

[moony-sweaters]

Reblog to give the person you reblogged this from flowers for Valentine's day 🌹🌷🌸🌼🌺

[moony-sweaters]

i know not everything in life is supposed to find meaning, and if it did those with more meaning would loose it. the world would become sad and beige instead of a rainbow. but i carry this grief, i carry this wanting to reach through the veil and hear one more story like it will bring you back and i want to know why. why me, i was so young when i lost you. i want that time back, the gods owe me. but thats a false notion people have carried for centuries. The gods owe us nothing, we owe ourselves everything. no god has ever given you grief and told you to cash it in later. you carry that grief because if you don't feel it nobody else will.

[moony-sweaters]

The living have a tendency to collect the dead, we hold onto them like balloons that our mothers tied on to our wrists too tightly, you can cut your wrist all you want but that balloon will always be blocking your sun.

[moony-sweaters]

the first time he came over it was spotless, i made sure of it. nothing to judge, no reason to like me less. now it’s been a month, my room looks lived in, i want him in my life. i leave the closet door open even with laundry spilling out, and the towel from last nights shower sits across the back of the chair with a coffee cup that gets colder every second. i can let my life look lived in now that he has lived in it. he has listened to me cry about my mother and made me promise not to kill myself so he can see me again in the morning, that kind of love you don’t hide your towels from.

[moony-sweaters]

There are two ways to miss someone I have found.

Way one: I miss you like a hole in my chest, you can miss someone like they were a knife stabbed between your ribs, the steel edge keeping the blood from pouring out, You can miss them like they died and you weren’t allowed to grieve, there is a hole, nothing to plug it, nothing to stop the bleeding, nothing to heal the pain, you just miss them

Way two: I miss you like a memory; you can miss someone like a song you know the melody to but couldn’t sing the words, you can miss them like your childhood home, it’s still there, standing tall but you cannot remember the photos that your mother hung in the hallway.

[moony-sweaters]

why is it you make me feel safe?

nobody else does?

they make me feel secure, held, listened to, but you make me feel safe.

i dont love you, not in that way

i never will

is this what girls talk about when they talk about a guy best friends

someone so different he will understand your heart.

thank you for making me feel alive last night

thank you for not letting me choose

i may cut but i may not kill

not now

not anymore

you said the stars were beautiful, you said you would leave me in the road face in wonder at the galaxy we live in. but you didn’t

thank you for saving me

tank you for making me feel safe in a world that so rarely does.

i cried for two hours last night.

tears fell down as i laid there in her lap

i felt they would never end

you came in the room and brought me back

i was dead in her lap

soul in tatters

heart shredded

tears falling faster than november rain

but you made the right jokes

let me like to my parents and go driving

sang with me in the car

you understood my pain

why were we never close

will we ever be closer

[moony-sweaters]

i remember when i was young i would lay down in the bath and my mother was always there to hold my head above water.

when i got older i would shower and stand under the stream barely able to breath but i knew she would come and wash my hair and make sure i was okay every time a shampoo bottle fell.

now i shower so quietly in the night if i sat under the water and let the tub fill no one would be the wiser

that’s what it feels like to love you

to know i am in a place that once brought me so much comfort. to be in a place filling with the thing keeping me alive knowing it is what will kill me

[moony-sweaters]

why do i love you

i’ve known you six months

liked you for less

but somehow i love you

i think it’s a shitty situation

i love you but you just started liking me

maybe we are too different

maybe it’s how i look

maybe it’s how i talk

maybe it’s how i dress

maybe it’s my classes

maybe it’s because i’m friends with your sister

i think i could kill myself in maybes

i think i could drown

i think maybe you could like me

but i don’t think you could love me

maybe you could be my friend

maybe we could be close

maybe we could be closer than friends

but i don’t think you will ever love me

maybe one day i can lay in your bed with you and talk into the late hours

but one of us will always sleep on top of the covers

maybe one day we can walk next to each other and talk like we mean the words we say

but one of us will always tell white lies to cover love

i think i love you when all i can ask for is you to like me

[moony-sweaters]

if you liked me more i think i could love you

i think that’s how it has alway been

i make a friend

i love you

i like you

i see you

you see me

you don’t love me the way i love you

you never like me

you made a friend

i think this is always how it will be

forever alone

forever heartbroken

my heart is chronicly broken

my father made sure of that

i would never feel hole

not after he left

not now that he is gone

i have a whole

love seems to slip though it

no netting fine enough

you don’t have to like me

but please love me

[moony-sweaters]

laying on my best friends floor face down i finally let it go.

tears ran down my face less than a week later.

i miss the dance when i belived.

i miss the way you dance with my hand in yours.

i miss falling asleep in the couch.

i wish you liked me more.

i wish i liked you less.

[moony-sweaters]

i miss the days the bathtub felt like an ocean, and my body felt like home.

[moony-sweaters]

[moony-sweaters]

all I have done today is french homework and drinking mate but im okay with that because at least i have a comfy sweater.