morgemuffel

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰FORGET. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. (aku cinta kamu)

This story takes place after the episode 3Bx18

-> Let's have a look on a deeply sad Magnus after Alec broke up with him. His best friend Cat is not available and he needs someone to talk to. Painful memories of him and Alec are haunting him and a homeless man gives him a lesson in life.

I remember the pain very well, which I went through a few weeks ago when I collapsed because of Lorenzo's magic. I thought I had reached the peak of my pain tolerance. Such an enormous pain that led me to experience my deepest desires. I had this dream, this idea of a perfect life with Alec. We sat at the table ate waffles were joking about crêpes laughing and dancing. A dream quite obvious. Dazzle, deception I would have many names to call it. Never again, I had sworn after Camille. Never again would I open myself, make myself so naked and vulnerable towards another person. Over 400 years old but I never learn. I'm not worth being loved. Not even my mother loved me enough to stay with me. How could I assume that it would be different with Alec? Maybe because he had said so? Because after all these years of incompleteness he gave me the feeling of finally being whole and complete? Because he made me feel like I was the only important thing in the world, the only thing that matters? And even worse, all these things I do have for him. Even now while I'm sitting here and still can't believe it, can't understand it and don't want to understand it. Even now I know that the love for him and thus the associated loss will be my end. A life without Alec surpassed every imaginable pain. "Stay with me" I had whispered desperately. And I thought I knew pain, I knew loss. But as Alec walked through that door, the memories of us shattered into thousand pieces and pelted down on me like dangerous shards of glass. I can clearly visualize the splinters above me. As if they were real and every single one of them wafer-thin and razor-sharp, shoots down on me and right through my heart. My heart that doesn't seem to beat any longer, because there is no reason for it to beat anymore and even worse there is no one there for it to beat for. Magnus sat huddled up on the floor in Maryse' bookstore. He was replaying the past situation over and over again in his head. And tried to figure out when the exact moment must have been when Alec realized that the relationship was no longer working for him. Was it already after his collapse at the institute in his office last week or after the failed dinner yesterday or even before? He knew that he wasn't an easy Person and his personality wasn't simple either. As well that his losses had entirely thrown him off track. Magnus trembled with anger and the tears flowed down his face hot and salty. At first he was angry at Alec because he had left him and then at himself because he knew that this time it was his fault. His depressive mood fluctuation, the constant self-pity and not to forget his slightly exaggerated alcohol consumption had teared the couple apart. He took a deep breath and stood up to put on his jacket. He had to get out of here because he didn't want to accidentally fall asleep and still lie here like a bunch of misery, when Maryse comes back tomorrow to open the store. "You're part of the family." he heard her voice in his head. Every single word was a sting in his heart and the pain it caused almost strangled the air out of him. Alec was everything he had ever wanted, his one true love, his home, his safe haven and his soul mate. And now he was gone, forever. Magnus left the bookstore and locked the door behind him. He hid the key in the large flowerpot next to the front door. But where should he go now? His first instinct was to go to the next best bar, but then it occurred to him that his drinking was a reason for his new single existence and he decided to discard this idea. So he wrote Cat a text message to ask if she would like to eat two or three cans of ice cream with him later and just started to walk in no specific direction. Without knowing it he suddenly stood in front of a big rusty heart made out of metal with the capital letters L O V E beside it and the next memory of him and Alec appeared. His smiling face as he proudly presented Magnus the lock he bought to implement the European tradition in New York. Their trip to Paris had inspired him to place a symbol of their love here as well. A symbol of their eternal love, "Aku cinta kamu", Magnus heard himself whispering before he shrugged from the touch on his shoulder and the memory faded away. He turned around to identify the person and saw a scraggy man in a dirty checkered shirt and a much too-short dirty pair of trainer pants. Clearly a homeless person. Magnus looked at him expectantly with his face smeared with tears.  "I noticed that you weren't doing very well..." he began to speak hesitantly. "Maybe you would like to feed the pigeons with me... that calms me down most of the time when I am sad... and I have a half of sandwich left that I would share with you... if you like? You look so sad..." the homeless man said with a throaty smoky voice that was actually much too deep for his stature. Magnus was visibly irritated but wrested to a smile as he nodded and followed the man to the nearest bench. Cat still hadn't responded to his message, probably she had a late shift. And since Magnus urgently needed someone to talk to, he decided to trust this stranger man with his sorrows. Of course a censored version without shadowhunters, warlocks and vampires. The cool October breeze blew passt the two of them and they sat there for a while and remained silent. Bob the homeless man fed the pigeons with some grains and breadcrumbs. As he broke the silence. "I wasn't always homeless, you know," he suddenly spoke. "I had a great job, a lot of money, a beautiful house, my wife and kids... But when the children grew up and moved out and my wife died cause of her illness a year ago and I was suddenly alone, I realized that all these material things were worth nothing to me. He looked at Magnus to see if he was listening to him and nodded as he continued speaking. "For some reason we all define ourselves more and more by status symbols and forget that it's the little things that really count. Like spending unforgettable moments with your loved ones." Again he looked at Magnus who slightly blushed under his examining gaze. "Every day I try to give something back to the people around me. I help in the soup kitchen or clean the streets in winter and so on. They are small things but they fulfill me. Some people look at me and see a disgusting homeless person, but why should it bother me how others see me as long as the people whom opinions really matters, know my story and love and appreciate me? Love is the only true currency and once you have found it you don't need anything else. He paused and looked into the void when he asked: "Do you believe in magic and the magic behind love? The Has-been-warlock thought about the question and although Bob didn't know that Magnus is, was a centuries old warlock, and belonges to the shadow world. Magnus still felt as if the homeless man could completely see through him. Magic, yes he believed in magic and he thought he was missing his and the immortality and that he'd be nothing without it. But the truth is Bob was right. There is another kind of magic. Magnus chose his words with caution as he replied. "I thought I had everything, too. A great job, a great home, magic... well..." He cleared his throat and continued: "The love of my life I mean, but he left me and it is my fault. He faltered as he spoke and Bob didn't urged him to speak any further. Instead he continued: "I have learned to renounce, because I can and not because I have to. What does the well paid job mean if you don't have anyone you can share the money with? Or worse, what use does money have if you're lonely at the end of the day? We don't live forever and the time we have should be used sensibly. I miss my wife every day, but I know that the time with her was magical and when your girlfriend..." he broke off when he saw Magnus raising his eyebrows. "Your... boyfriend...?" he asked hesitantly and Magnus nodded half-heartedly. "Probably more my ex-boyfriend now" he murmured embarrassed. Bob looked at him insistently as he began his speech again. "If your boyfriend is really the love of your life you should ask yourself if you want to fight for your relationship or try to forget him and guide your time and energy into a meaningful direction. A dove sits on my lap as I open my eyes. It's already dark and Bob has left, if he was even real... and I didn't just imagine the whole conversation. I'm not sure cause I'm holding an empty tequila bottle, wrapped up in a paper bag in my hand and my head is humming. So much for that no more alcohol statement before. Alec's face appears again, his loving smile... God my soul hurts and it's hard to think clear. I have to shake away the thoughts of his perfect face. Fight for us or guide my energy into a meaningful direction Bob had said. I had fought, hadn't I? I literally threw myself at him when he was about to leave me. Begged him to stay, kissed him and tried to show him that I was still the same. That I love him and need him. But he didn't care, he left and I can't and don't want to forget him. Or can I? I always kept telling myself that the pain after a break up is part of the process to forget, it's there to learn from your mistakes. But a life without Alec and knowing that he left me literally tears me apart and I only know one person who can take all those bitter-sweet memories away from me. Yes maybe I'm a coward, maybe that makes me hypocritical and weak but I don't want to stand on a bridge again and... I just can't live with the memories. I need to talk to Jem Carstairs and ask him to erase my memories of Alec.

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ PROS & CONS TO MARRY YOU. (STAY WITH ME)

This story takes place between episode 3Bx16 & 3B17. Why does Alec suddenly thinks about getting married?

-> Alec creates a pro and contra list about whether he should propose to magnus or if it is too early etc. He confronts himself with his thoughts and fears, which had never been expressed loudly before. *(Part 3 of my series: our heart beats like one)

My vision is blurred and everything around me happens like in slow motion. I'm standing there like a fool and don't have the strength to move. My heart contracts as if it were crushed in someone's fist. The air is thin and Izzy had called Catarina Loss to help, when she heard my cries for help. I'm so mad at myself. "Magnus, Magnus, can you here me?" is the only thing I can say. Why didn't I see it coming? I'm still standing there as if rooted to the ground, too shocked to do anything meaningful. "Please, I'm right here" I continue talking, in the hope that he at least hears my voice. I had given Magnus a heart rhythm massage until Cat finally arrived after a felt eternity. Cat now kneels next to Magnus on the floor and holds her hands over his right clavicle and left chest muscle. Stand back" she commands. A blue cloud flows out of her palms, enveloping his lifeless body, and once again an electric shock of several thousand volts shot through his chest area to reactivate his heartbeat. "Come on, Magnus. Hang in there" Catarina screamed in panic as still nothing happened. "Catarina is he going to be all right?" I ask anxiously. Another electric shock. But Magnus, whose body had just shrugged like wild before, lay there now only calm and motionless. "I...I...Alec he's gone..." Cat sobs and looks at me in disbelief. I see the tears rolling over her blue face. I know that she has done everything in her power, because she doesn't even have the strength to maintain her glamour. I feel pure fear crawling up inside of me. No. No he can't be dead, he simply just can't be dead! I don't know how, but somehow my body starts moving again and I stumble uncoordinated and fall on the floor next to Magnus. Stay with me is the only thought that constantly wanders through my head and throbs like my own heartbeat in my head. I form my right hand into a ball and place the left hand over it to start another heart rhythm massage. I feel Cat's pitiful look on me, but she says nothing. I won't give up on him. Press twice per second, I know how it works, every shadowhunter knows the required frequency, but the longer I press the more the fear is taking over me and the more irregular my rhythm becomes. I repeat: "stay with me Magnus" to the beat of my pressure movement. I can't lose you, I just can't. "Stay with me Magnus" I taste something salty wet in my mouth and realize that it is my tears that flow over my face and is taking my sight. But I can't wipe them away. I don't have time to release my hands from Magnus. "Stay with me Magnus! I don't have to see anything to know that I can't stop, that I won't stop. "Stay with me Magnus!" I drift off and my body... Oh God as if I were in free fall... No. No. No. The darkness surrounds me and I am lost in nothing. My thoughts echo through the dark void. Our hearts beat like one and if his stop beating, mine dies with him. Magnus is dead.

Alec opens his eyes disorientated, he is bathed in sweat and his heart races as fast as it threatens to jump out of his chest. He looks around in fear and searched for Magnus. He is alive, it was all just a nightmare! At least the part about his death. Alec's subconscious had probably played a trick on him with his greatest fear. The fear of losing Magnus. How could this happen? Why had he not noticed the signs? Or had he noticed them and simply ignored them...? Alec is sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair, in the New York Institute in the Medic department, watching Magnus. His chest lifts and lowers gently to the beeping sound of the ECG device. His breathing is flat and slow but he is breathing. It is so unusual to see him uncombed and without make-up. In the blue coat he seemed almost inconspicuous and very vulnerable. Alec has been sitting on this chair for hours, he must have fallen asleep, he thinks, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes and the pictures reappear before his inner eye. With a shake of his head he tries to shake the pictures away. Yes, it was close but they had made it and Cat had set up everything right here to watch Magnus non-stop. A cold shiver ran down Alec's back as he tried to interpret his dream, it had felt so real. And he believed he knew what the message was behind it. He had to apologize to Magnus. Alec had a guilty conscience because he should have known how tortured his boyfriend really was. 

Alec interlaced his fingers and began to speak slowly: "Magnus, I... I don't know if you can here me. But this is my fault. I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I...I didn't think twice. I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could... grow old together." He took a break to breathe deeply. It was the first time he said it out loud. He was ashamed of that thought. He had asked himself several times whether he was a bad boyfriend because of that. He had talked to Underhill about this topic. But to say it out loud, to hear his voice, brought him the knowledge and thus the answer to his question. It had hurt him when Magnus had accepted Lorenzo's magic without talking to him about it. But Magnus magic was a part of him and he didn't have the right to begrudge him that. And he knew one thing for sure. To see Magnus happy was the only thing that really mattered. Alec's heart got heavier at this thought and he started rubbing his thumb over his ankles nervously. He tended to exert so much pressure on that movement that it almost hurt. But the pain there eased the pain in his heart. He sniffed before continuing: "I guess I just didn't realize, how deep down, how much you were suffering. Magnus, I love you. He reached for Magnus' hand, near the tears and his voice was now full of despair: "More than anyone in the world and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped away the one tear that had made it over his cheeks. "May I come in" Cat asked gently. "Yeah" Alec replied and stood up with a deep sigh to talk to Cat about Magnus' condition. "Did you manage to make contact with the people at the Spiral Labyrinth" he asked full of hope. She nodded, "yes, I shared the test results, an he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic. "Rejecting? What do you mean?" Alec asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness . But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he might not survive," she explained to Alec in a haunting tone. "Why can't you just fix him? Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" Alec asks in surprise. "I wish I could. The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him" she explains. "Lorenzo did this on purpose," Alec hummed furiously. "Alec, there's no way he could have planned it. With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility." Cat tried to protect Lorenzo. But Alec disagreed. "No he knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not gonna let this son of a bitch get away with it." he hissed upset and tried to squeeze past Cat. But Catarina grabbed him by the arm and held him tight when she said: "You need to settle down. What's the shadowhunter saying? - Emotions cloud judgment? - You loose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus only hope" she made clear to him.

On his way to Lorenzo's loft, Alec shook his head in disbelief. Had he really just thought that? He corrected the sentence in his mind. Magnus' Loft. He was on his way to Magnus' loft in Brooklyn that was stolen by this mucous guy Lorenzo Rey. Magnus hasn't woken up yet, so Alec had decided to ask Lorenzo to take back the magic he had given him. He was almost certain that this would also be Magnus' wish. Magnus' near death had shown Alec how precious time is. And he knew that he wanted to spend all his time also if only 10 years or even 60 years,  with Magnus at his side. Nothing was more precious than the time with him. When Magnus agreed to his suggestion to move in together, Alec was the happiest person ever. There was only something that could make him happier. To make Magnus his forever. Put a ring on his finger and call him his husband. There were many reasons for this, but he also knew that there were some contras. He started to write a pro and contra list in his head:

   PRO:  

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

   CONS:  

- Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him

I remember what it was like before Magnus. The time of uncertainty, fear and my own identity crisis. It was like my whole life was a lie, I was living a lie. It was before Jace, I had always known it. I'm not saying that I am different but in the eyes of others I am. All of us who don't fit into the over century formed norm are considered different. Growing up in a society that fears everything and everyone just because they don't understand it or know it differently and respond with hate is sad. The hate and fear that was directed against other races or against the preference of sexuality frightened me. I was afraid of this hate and took the safe side. The don't ask don't tell side of the shadowhunter culture. I preferred to be angry and unhappy than to deal with these feelings. On some days I feel ashamed not to have been brave enough before Magnus came into my life. To simply ignore the prejudices and discriminations and to stand by myself. But for shadowhunter - family, honour and tradition are written in capital letters. At least that's what they believe. And I certainly didn't want to be the first Shadowhunter in my family to destroy this supposed honor. Family is everything to me. Grown up in the institute under the enormous pressure of the council and my parents. I always did everything for my parents and for the council. My fater drilled in to me that I was never good enough. I always thought it was me, because they felt who I really was and wanted to suppress it. So I did the same and ignored my feelings. I was impure with myself and carried this anger inside me for years. I couldn't define exactly where it came from but I was always angry at everything and everyone. Not knowing who you are and not knowing where you belong is terrible. By the angel I'm so happy that I met Magnus.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart" he had told me back then. I thought I would never be allwed, or to even find somoen to marry out of love and the only thing I could hope for would be a solid partnership with a woman. But here I am, in a happy relationship with the man I love above everything else. I will do everything in my power to lead him back to his identity as he helped me. So pack up your hatred and discrimination. I alone decide how my life goes on.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know." I hear Magnus' voice in my head.. We'll find out, my darling, we'll find out.

Alec circled the two reasons and tried to look at them from every angle. He was a man of tradition and honour and he always knew he wanted to get married one day. He just never would have thought that this wish could actually become reality with someone he loved with all his heart. But here he was and his boyfriend was Magnus Bane. He knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Magnus. He also knew that a marriage is about being together for the rest of your life and that this same - a life long - was a different view for Magnus before. Magnus was no longer immortal and to ask for his hand now would painfully remind him of this loss. Alec wondered if it wouldn't be possible to ask Asmodeus to give Magnus back his real magic and thus his birthright, his immortality. What would be the price? For sure one that Alec can't pay at all. He sighed and began to walk faster. There was also the housing situation, he was at least able to fix. Cat had told him that Magnus had asked her for a real estate agent. But Magnus was in the infirmary and couldn't make it to that appointment today and Alec wouldn't leave his side for a house visit. The apartment could wait, but he was looking forward to starting this new phase of his life with Magnus. So it was 1 to 1 when he stood in front of the door of the loft and was about to knock, when it swung open and Mozart's symphony came towards him.

Lorenzo had already expected him, charming isn't? It's one of Mozart's lesser-known works, but certainly one of my favorites. You should have seen the look on Wolfgang's face when I told him what I really thought about his Mass in C minor," he bluffed to Alec. But Alec didn't have time for this small talk, they both knew that they would never be friends in this and possibly in any other life. "We need to talk" Alec said and tried to make his voice sound as calm and controlled as possible. "Hang on. This is the best part." He just wanted to provoke Alec, no they wouldn't even be friends in another dimension. Alec switched off the music to show him the urgency of his visit. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lightwood? he asks and takes a sip from his martini. "Magnus has fallen ill as a result of the magic you gave him" Alec told him. "I did warn your boyfriend of the risks involved. He assured me he could handle it" Lorenzo replied visibly unmoved. When he poured himself a second drink. "Well he can't. And I would appreciate if you would take the magic back." Alec said in a thoughtful tone. "Yes, I'm sure you would appreciate that. But he brought this upon himself. Not my fault the pompous old warlock falls by his own hubris." Lorenzo was amused by Magnus' pain and Alec knew that he had no intention of helping them. But why? "Why? Why do you hate him so much? he asked without understanding. "It's simple. All my life, I've had to sit by and watch while the world lavished praise on Magnus Bane. The prodigy. The High Warlock who could do no wrong." Lorenzo said bitterly. So that's it Alec thought, he was insecure and jealous. "Green isn't becoming on you, Lorenzo," he simply stated. "You have no idea how hard I've had to work for everything that I have" he hissed and put his glass down. Before he continued. "That man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His celebrity is not based on talent. It's nepotism. Alec felt the rage crawling up in him and with each of Lorenzo's words it was harder to suppress them. "Lorenzo, you're right about one thing. Magnus is beloved. And when word gets out that you wouldn't help him, purely out of jealousy, how would you think the other warlocks are gonna feel?" Alec said as he walked up to Lorenzo to underline the threat in his voice. But Lorenzo remained unimpressed and said: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" The fuse in Alec's head blew, how could this cockroach even dare. He would have loved to go for Lorenzo. "You bastard. I swear, I will..." But Lorenzo interrupted him annoyed. "You'll what? he asked unimpressed and shot Alec with a clenched load of his magic towards the exit. "I believe we're done here. You can show yourself out." Alec knew that his last visit by Lorenzo was also part of Lorenzo's rage against Magnus. Anger, anger didn't get him any further, he had to convince Lorenzo at all costs. Magnus' life was at stake and he would beg on his knees if he had to.

"You've never been in love, have you?" Alec asked desperately. Lorenzo must have loved someone at least once in all those years. Alec had to remind him. "I'm over 300 years old. Of course I have. More times than I care to admit" Lorenzo said cool. Alec saw his chance and slowly walked towards Lorenzo again. "Well, for me, it's only one. Magnus," he said and looked at Lorenzo as he went on. "He is my world. And if he dies..." Alec sobbed, who now found it hard to keep his feelings under control. He didn't care if Lorenzo saw him that way, saw him the Head of the New York Institute so vulnerable. He didn't care if he ridiculed himself and he didn't care that he just revealed his greatest weakness. Alec raised his hand to a defensive position when he said, "Look, Lorenzo, he's no threat to you. Okay? He doesn't have his powers." His eyes filled with water and a tear ran down his face as he begged Lorenzo. "Just please... Please help him"

Alec left the loft with Lorenzo's word to help Magnus. A cool breeze blew in his face and dried his last tears. The heated conversation had given him two more points on his imaginary list. To show oneself so vulnerable to someone and to reveal oneself. Showing oneself as one in front of two different worlds, a unity that nothing and nobody could destroy.

   PRO:  

- Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

   CONS:  

- The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children.

Even though deep inside I always knew that I was gay, I had always imagined a family with children. I could have imagined them with Lydia too, even though the thought of having sex with her made me freak out a little. Lydia is great but still a woman. Maybe the Clave would agree to an adoption for a Shadowhunter or a Downworlder baby? The Mundane couples have to be married as far as I know if they want to adopt... Would an adopted child even like me? With Madzie it's always wonderful and children love Magnus anyway. But maybe Madzie was a exception. Well they'll like at least one of us. So the biggest problem would be the Clave. For whom I'm already a thorn in their eyes, the gay head of the New York Institute, who is in a relationship with a Downworlder. So what, fuck that point. I really hope that Magnus also wants children. I think he's born to be a dad. He has so much patience and love to give. He has travelled so many countries and lived through so many decades, he would certainly have great good night stories. Him and I as parents, who could teach our children love and tolerance. To pass on our views and values and to show the world that there is another way. That diffrent doesn't mean weird or wrong, but that the world view is outdated and wrong. And it's on us to start change that.

The Clave always had such weird rules. In the past, Alec wouldn't have noticed the inconsistencies. He obeyed orders blindly without questioning them. But now, why did they make rules they disapproved anyway? And have they ever thought that two same-sex shadowhunters and downworlder would want to get married? Because Alec didn't know if that was possible at all. But he knew something else, no matter how, he and Magnus would one day start a family together. Alec had never asked Magnus if he wanted to have children, but somehow it was a logical step, wasn't it? Or was Alec once again too far with his thoughts and wishes? He was walking past a playground and saw all the Mundane mothers playing with their toddlers. A dream he had dreamed so many times, before meeting Magnus. Changing his children's nappies, teaching them to walk and fight and attending their first shadowhunter rune ceremony. All those things, those kitschy things he had wished for were not graspable before Magnus, but now. Now he suddenly had the chance to make all his dreams become real, with the man of his dreams. And before any of this could come true, Magnus had to wake up. He increased his pace again because he wanted to be the first thing for Magnus to see when he opened his eyes.

Alec was sitting on the uncomfortable chair in the institute again, his butt was slowly strating to hurt but he didn't care. He saw Magnus' eyelashes start to twitch. "Magnus, can you hear me" Alec asks. Magnus blinks and slowly opens his eyes. "There you are. Hey," Alec said pleased. Magnus is still a little confused and Alec gently turns his head with his two fingers in his direction. Magnus chuckles when he sees Alec. "There you are" Magnus repeats and pats gently and awkwardly Alec's cheeks. "Yeah" Alec replies smiling. "What happened?" Magnus asked, still slightly dazed. Alec tried to explain it to him as simple and gently as possible. "Oh, well you got very sick. But everything's gonna be okay." Magnus tried to sit up and Alec got up quickly to help him. Just hold on. Here, let me get that for you." Alec said lovingly. Magnus tried to play the whole situation down again when he joked: "Oh I could get used to this type of treatment. Oh but definitely not to this wardrobe." Alec realized that Magnus wasn't aware of how serious the whole thing was. "Right. Let me get you a change of clothes" he said and wanted to get going. "No, no need" Magnus said and raised his hand to use his magic. "No!" Alec screamed full of panic and healed Magnus' hand so that he couldn't use his magic. "Alexander, what..." Magnus began irritated as his gaze wandered to the door and he noticed Lorenzo. "What's he doing here?" he asked even more astonished. Alec took a deep breath to explain everything to Magnus: "Using Lorenzo's magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better is for Lorenzo to take the magic away." He looked away at Magnus and hoped to see an understanding for all this in his eyes but Magnus only replied: "Oh. No, Caterina's just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine." Alec should have known it. Of course, Magnus wasn't aware of how narrowly he escaped death. He had to tell him everything. "No. can we just get a minute, please?" he said and looked at Lorenzo, who had only observed the whole situation pitifully. "No! I'm not getting rid of my magic. Magnus screamed angrily. Why was he so stubborn? Alec had to make him understand how dangerous it was to leave the magic in his body. He didn't want his nightmare to suddenly become reality.

Magnus got up angrily and went for his clothes himself, he stood demonstratively with his back to Alec. But Alec just stood quietly next to him and waited until he had dressed before telling him exactly what had happened. He wasn't sure if Magnus was just pretending he didn't realize how dangerous this magic was for him. "Magnus, you stopped breathing." Alec began. "Your heart stopped. I thought you were gone." Magnus's anger vanished slowly. He hadn't know it had been so bad. "I'm so sorry for scaring you. I was clearly adjusting to Lorenzo's magic and I must have overextended myself." He turned to Alec with a smile to show him he was serious: "I promise, I'll be more careful from now on," he said before returning his attention to his shirt. "It doesn't matter how careful you are. As long as you have Lorenzo's magic, you'll be living with an axe over your head" Alec contradicted. What was wrong with Magnus? "Oh, could you stop being so morbid?" Magnus said when he turned back to Alec. The two men clearly talked past each other. "Look, I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for it?" Alec tried again. But Magnus didn't answer. "Magnus, answer me." Alec asked again with insistence and full of fear of the answer. Magnus said "Maybe" without turning around and Alec was stunned. "How can you even say that? Alec asked. Magnus now looked at him again and Alec saw the anger, the self-hatred and the fear in his eyes when he said: "I'm nothing without my magic. "You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don't feel differently about me?

Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?" he asked in disbelief and disgust as he pointed to his body. Alec was slowly getting desperate, he had to convince Magnus that he loved him even without his magic. "Yes. Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I felt in love with you. I..I..fell in love with you because you're wise a..and you're generous and you're brave and you're incredible" Alec stammered. The feelings overcame him, why couldn't Magnus see it? Why didn't he see how unbelievable he was? Alec continued: "I just... When you walk into a room, there's a spark in you, magic or not, th..tha..that lights up everything and everyone around you. "A..aaa..and... Hey!" he grabbed Magnus by the arm who was about to turn away. Alec didn't know what to say anymore. He only knew one thing he couldn't live without Magnus! When Magnus looked at him again Alec said desperately the last thing he still knew: "I won't lose you. I can't." The room was tense and they just looked at each other. And finally Alec saw it in Magnus' eyes. He got through to Magnus.

When Lorenzo left the room after the withdrawal of the magic, of course not without clarifying that he would keep the loft. Alec noted down his last two pros and cons.

   PRO:  

- I love him

   CONS:  

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

The last two reasons he noted down were the ones that weighed most heavily on him. So he sorted the list in his head again and prioritized these last two reasons. He loved Magnus more than anything else there was no doubt. But Magnus wasn't sure if he could live on without his magic or if he wanted to. Alec hears the echo of his words in his head, again and again: "I am nothing without my magic."

Yet I don't understand it. I thought I understood it, how dependent Magnus is on his magic. That I understand his pain. But I'm not a warlock and no matter how hard I try I will never fully understand what Magnus is going through. I keep trying to compare it with the Parabatai bond of me and Jace. If Jace died in a fight, I would feel incomplete and like a stanger a nobody without this bond. A part of me would die and be lost forever. And yet I would never prefer my own death than a life with Magnus. At least I hoped that this thought was true.

This thought ignited the little hope he needed. The hope that Magnus didn't mean it as seriously as he had said it before. That deep down inside his love for Alec was stronger. So it was 3 to 3, equal. No matter how often he went through the list he came to a single decision.

   PRO:  

   - I love him  

   - It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever  

   Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days  

   CONS:  

   - Magnus would rather die than live without his magic  

   - Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him  

   - The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children 

It didn't matter what was on the contra side of his list, as long as his love for Magnus was at the top of the pro side. He loved Magnus and that outdid all other reasons."I have everything I need, right here." Magnus had said it aptly. And this one reason was the most important one. And therefore he, Alexander Gideon Lightwood would ask Magnus Bane to marry him.

Alec looked through the window of the small library his mother had bought and took a deep breath. On the way there two pros and contras came to his mind. He didn't put them on the list because his decision had already been made but they were still haunting around in his head.

    PRO:  

- He'd have my last name, Magnus Lightwood-Bane

   CONS:  

- He could say no, and I would completely embarrass myself

I think everyone is a bit afraid of this scenario when planning a proposal. Even though I know that Magnus loves me, there is a risk that he will reject my proposal. It could be one of my reasons on the contra column or a completely different one and I think I wouldn't only be sad but it would also be really embarrassing for me. Embarrassing because I'm so impatient, but who doesn't dare doesn't win. And therefore I won't initiate everybody in what I intend to do and try to plan the whole thing in a small scale if not even alone. Hiding it from Jace will probably be the hardest, as he will feel my nervousness for sure, so if he asks me I'll just tell him. Maybe for once he even has a good tip for me. Or could tell me if Alec Bane sounds silly?

Alec opens the door and enters the book store. "Hi" he said and walks to greet his mother. Maryse turns to him and smiles as she greets him: "Alec. What a nice surprise! The two embrace and Alec looks around as he says, "I thought I'd actually stop by and see the place." "Im proud of you." Most of the shelves were already dusty and the books had been rearranged. "Thanks. It's really coming together, isn't it? Maryse said radiantly. Alec was a bit nervous and answered with a question. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." he burst out. Maryse looked at him uncertainly and tried to interpret his face. "What is it?" she asked, worried. The two sat down when Alec began to tell her: "Uhm..Magnus had a little health scare." Maryse was shocked but Alec spoke quickly. "He's okay, everything's fine, but when it happened, it made me realize how much he means to me, and I.. I.. can't live without him." This sentence made his mother overjoyed. She was so happy that her son found someone who loved him heart and soul just as much as he loved him. What could make a mother happier? "That's what love is" she said with a smile. Alec chuckles. "I'm so happy you two found each other." she said. "Me too." Alec said sheepishly. The question burned on his tongue as he slowly began.

"And I need the family ring." he said and looked at her insistently. Maryse stared back not sure if her son really intended what she was thinking he was intended to say. "I'm gonna ask Magnus to marry me." Alec said after a break and Maryse chuchles overwhelmed. Yes she had thought right. She couldn't believe it and jumped up to pull her son into an intimate embrace. Her son is actually getting married!

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ DON'T LET ME GO.

This story takes place between episode 3Bx15 & 3Bx16.

I adapted the story and put my own thoughts & ideas into to it. What are MALEC up to when you don’t see them on screen?

*(Part 2 of my series: our heart beats like one)

Mmm... I love to feel his warm bare chest underneath me. His fine and soft dark chest hair like a fluffy pillow on my cheek, which tickles my nose every now and then when I move my head, to cuddle up to him. The familiar aroma of... of what exactly? It's hard to describe, but it's my favorite fragrance. Not like shampoo, perfume or laundry detergent, no. It is his own body odor. The scent, you only get to smell on your partner in the mornings, before he makes himself fresh and tidy for the rest of the world. Magnus loved this fragrance. It's a scent that evokes the memory  of a cool sunrise in spring season. The feeling of love and secureness.

As Magnus lies there half asleep, he slowly noticed that something wasn't right anymore. The warmth and the fragrance he loved so much, slowly faded away. He reluctantly opened his eyes and winked the sleep away as he looked around without moving. He was in Alec's room at the New York Institute. He remembered falling asleep in Alec's arms, one more thing he loved. He slept so well in Alec's arms, as he hadn't for years. Carefree and happy. But where was Alec? Magnus lay across the bed, taking up the whole space and his head was carefully draped on a pillow. Alec didn't want to wake him up and exchanged his warm muscular chest with his pillow. Also very cuddly Magnus had to admit, but no comparison to Alec's soft fragrant skin. As he raised his head, he looked up directly into Alec's already freshly washed face. "You sleep ok?" Alec asked worried. Magnus stretched as he answered "like a rock." Alec looked at him in a mix of nervousness and expectation so that Magnus wondered what he had overlooked, until his eyes moved over the bed and he noticed the romantic gesture of his boyfriend. A smile crossed his face. How was it possible that this man could always surprise him over and over again? In front of him was a tray with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and a small bouquet of flowers. The glass was filled to the top, not like Magnus' attempt from last week. When he could only squeeze enough juice from two oranges to reach the middle of the glass. "Oh. Freshly squeezed orange juice and a full glass. "He grinned at the memory. Alec blushed a little red but tried to suppress it. "One of the perks of living at the institute," he said with a smile. Magnus nodded impressed, but his attention was yet on the forced question, forming  itself in bold capital letters, inside of his head . It was by law not allowed for Warlocks to be in the institute. Nor to live there. Although he welcomed the loving offer to stay here until he had found a new home as well as the confident manner his boyfriend showed, but they both knew that this, also if only a temporary situation, was pretty tricky. Magnus didn't want to get Alec into trouble by staying here longer than necessary. Alec tore him out of his thoughts. "Come on, get out of bed. Breakfast stops serving at 9am." Theatrically, Magnus let himself fall back into the bed. Why did shadowhunters have to get up so early? No wonder most of them were always in such a bad mood. And walking into a warlock in this early hour must be the icing on the cake. So he started a half-hearted attempt to convince Alec that they didn't necessarily had to have breakfast with the others in the community hall. “Alexander, I appreciate the hospitality, but doesn't the clave have rules against downworlders living here?“ His boyfriend looked at him with that peevish smile as he hesitated “oh they‘re not rules, they‘re suggestions.“ Magnus sighed, his Alexander, who interpreted his life according to the rules is now only looking at them as a recommendation? He didn't want Alec to bend himself completely because of him. That just wasn't right, and yet his statement triggered a comforting feeling in Magnus. Alec went on to say, "You're not living at the institute, you're just visiting for an extended period of time." his arguments weren't bad, Magnus thought, but he hated to be the outsider. Not that he cared what others thought, but what if Alec suddenly felt uncomfortable? Magnus asked him "and what would your fellow shadowshunters think of a warlock wandering the halls?" "They'd be fine with it Alec clarified in a calm tone. "Let's go." With these last challenging words he turned around and disappeared through the door to brush his teeth in the bathroom. Magnus sat undecided on the bed for a moment. He urgently needed another apartment, but his  real estate agent had died years ago. But his good friend Cat has recently moved, so Madzie could have her own room. He took out his phone and wrote her a short text message:

Wanna have lunch today? I could need your help... Do you know a good real estate agent in New York? 🏠

Cat answered almost immediately. Magnus was looking at his phone while it indicated that Cat was about to formulate a message.

Yes sure, I have break at 12.30am. You can wait outside the hospital. Are you and Alec already taking the next step? 🐾

Magnus read the message and rolled his eyes in amusement.

He had told her that Alec had asked him a few weeks ago to move in with him and that he had refused his request. She agreed with Magnus that it was too early. But in the meantime, Magnus himself wasn't so sure about his decision anymore. With Alec everything felt so good and right. He had never dared to take that step before, but if he did, he could only imagine this scenario with Alec. Since losing his loft, he'd thought about asking Alec several times. Ask him if they wanted to look at apartments together and maybe even wanted to move in together. But he was too unsure, what if Alec didn't wanted that anymore? He still remembers how hurt his shadowhunter had looked at him, when he said it would be a nice idea for the future. Magnus had considered his decision as the best in that moment. But now he wasn't so sure anymore, so he didn't ask. He answered Cat with a maybe..., two thumbs up and a steak emoji, then he got up to get dressed.

Alec had just brushed his teeth when he started searching for Underhill. As he knew Magnus, getting dressed, styling his hair and putting on his make up would take a while even with his regained magic. When thinking of his boyfriend, who couldn't decide what to wear and what mood he wanted to present the world today, he had to smile. There was no one like him, and he belonged to Alec. He hoped to catch Underhill before breakfast, since he was Alec's only friend next to his siblings, he wanted to hear his opinion about Magnus' new living situation. He himself knew that his decision to let Magnus live in the institute went into the grey area, a real dark grey zone and that not all of his companions would be enthusiastic about it. But he didn't care he had a plan. Well it was more of an idea than a plan, but before he could enforced this plan, he had to go through the shadowhunters protocol again. If someone could help him with that then it was his friend Underhill, the head of security. Alec walked down the hall and knocked on Underhill's room. Nothing stirred. He was about to leave, as the door swung open and Underhill stood in front of him, dripping wet and only wrapped in a white towel around his waist. Small  water drops trickled down his trained torso like glistening pearls. "Uhm ... hey boss ... uh ... Alec?" He said clearly confused about meeting his buddy so early in the morning. "Does your head hum as much as mine?" He asked laughing as he grimaced. The two men hadn't been friends for a long time, and Alec hadn't even seen him in swimming trunks before. They were out for a beer the first time yesterday having a spontaneous men's night after work. Alec had told him about his fears and relationship issues after being Underhill's wingman. But a drunk soul striptease and checking out other men together was something completely different than this. Their friendship wasn't on the I can see you without your shirt level yet. Rather more on the I kinda trust you and we can talk about deep stuff basis. It was therefore an unprecedented situation for both of them. "Alec is enough, we're friends now right... aren't we?" Alec found himself wandering over Underhill's upper body. Well, yesterday they've talked about attractive men and they were all reasonably passable but he haven't really realized that Underhill himself was actually pretty attractive. No comparison to Magnus, Nobody is able to hold a candle to him, but he couldn't deny that Underhill was good looking and handsome. Stop look at him so closely Alec! He realized that he had been staring at his friend for quite a long time now and blushed. Thus, the situation was now officially a bit awkward. Is looking at others, even if in that harmless way, allowed in a relationship? Or oh God had he just cheated on Magnus? No, no, no calm down Alec. Magnus once said that it's natural that you want to look at beautiful things. Not that Underhill was an object. "Yes sure...we are friends", Underhill nodded slowly and became a little red himself. Oh damn it, pull yourself together Alec. Just open your mouth and before you even notice you'll be speaking. The warm steam escaping out of the room and into Alec's face finally brought him back from his thoughts. "Nah no, I'm feeling pretty good." He cleared his throat and asked, "Could you prepare the keys for Magnus, so he can come into the institute by himself?" Underhill frowned as he slowly asked: "So your boyfriend is suddenly living here now? What about the rules?" But Alec wanted to get out of this somehow embarrassing situation, as quick as possible so he answered curtly. "Just the keys Jack okey? Thank you." And walked in the direction of his own room. The protocol could wait.

Magnus felt the breakfast was... very weird, as expected. He was in the training room of the institute now and completed his morning Tai Chi exercises. These slow flowing movements and the meditation calmed him. He had spiced up the routine with his own flair and let a magic ball circulate between his hands. However, it was difficult for him to concentrate, because his thoughts repeatedly wandered somewhere else. - Everyone had stared at Magnus as if it was the first time they've ever saw a warlock. He had mumbled to Alec, "you know it's not too late to go out for breakfast, right?"But Alec ignored the others and asked in shock: “And miss pancake day? No way“. How could Magnus have denied him his favorite breakfast day at the institute? Nevertheless, Magnus would rather have sinked into the ground, preferably right through to Edom. But Alec stood proudly next to him and would have probably beat up everyone's ass or sent them to Wrangel Island for character-building, if they had dared to say something mean against Magnus. They had sat down with Izzy, Jace and Clary and explained them his current living situation. They all seemed genuinely enthusiastic and happy about him living here, which calmed him down a bit. Even though Alec was a huge fan of pancake day at the institute, Magnus preferred a fruit salad and a Mimosa cocktail, somewhere was definitely happy hour already. When he snapped his finger and his new breakfast had appeared, he heard a loud,  glaring and high ringing in his ears. It hurt it was getting harder and harder to repress and ignore the symptoms. He decided to talk to Cat about it later. Magnus was glad when Biscuit's cell phone rang and replaced the ringing in his ear. It was Luke who briefed her about the vampire attack at Jade Wulf. Soon after, everyone dedicated back to daily-shadowhunter-businesses. He returned to an upright position and stretched. He felt ready for the next hurdle now. He looked at his phone to reads the time 11:42, time to get his keys and get ready for lunch with Cat. Alec had told him where to find Underhill, who provided the new keys for him. So he made his way there.

After Magnus recovered from the let's call it a slightly unpleasant dining which topped any previous encounter with Maryse Lightwood (before she became nice) by lengths, he went to the security department. He wondered for the second time today if he should ask Alec to move in with him. He was torn between his feelings. And all of these high-tech machines and huge screens were giving him migraines. How did his Alexander endure that? He was looking for the big blond shadowhunter which he should get in touch with. Jack Underhill, Magnus thought. Alec went out for a drink with him yesterday, right? His heart suddenly felt heavy and an unfamiliar feeling spread throughout him. Well, it was more like several emotions at the same time and he couldn't exactly assign them. It was a mixture of fear, suspicion, and a bit of anger. Magnus didn't like these feelings, especially because he didn't understand them. He had only met Underhill once and he made a sympathetic impression. He was also good-looking, tall and muscular, bright blue eyes and well-haired blond hair. He was quite handsome Magnus thought. Underhill nodded to Magnus as he approached him. "You're here for the keys?" He asked curtly. "Yes, is this the reception to check in at the Shadowhunters Inn?" Magnus tried to lighten the mood with a joke. But the joke was bad so they just looked at each other silently. Underhill cleared his throat and instructed: "Please stand here and don't move. This is a retinal scan. If you move, we have to start all over again."Quite the soldier Magnus thought to himself, with these monitors all day long he would probably have a bad mood too. As he stood there so motionless, he wondered if Underhill thinks Alec is attractive. What a stupid question Magnus your boyfriend is a walking sex bomb! Everyone with eyes in their heads could see that Alec was attractive. And the most attractive thing about him was that he wasn't even aware of it. Hmm on the other hand... does Alec think Underhill is attractive? Before Magnus, Alec had no relationships, but his almost wife - Lydia was blond, Underhill is also blonde So maybe... Damn it, Magnus what's up with you today? You have no reason for such thoughts. He takes a deep breath and concentrates on the monitor with the built-in scan. After less than a minute - RETINAL SCAN COMPLETE - appeared in green on the screen.

"That'll do it" Underhill growled. "I'm finished?" Magnus asked in surprise, he had expected to have to stand there for hours. "Yeah," Underhill said curtly and gave him a bunch of keys. “These are your keys. I‘d explained what doors the open, but to be honest, I‘m not totally sure. Most of the shadowhunters just use the unlock rune. So good luck.“ Magnus at first thought that Underhill was just in a bad mood like all the other shadowhunters, because Magnus was around. But somehow he had the feeling that he had annoyed the man in a different way maybe with something he didn't noticed. He felt the urge to ignore his thought just like the ringing sound in his ear earlier at the breakfast table. That's why he just answered "Hmm" and turned to go. But then it occurred to him that Alec had just made friends with Underhill and he didn't want anything to stand between the two men. So he stopped and turned back to him. "I'm sorry, have I done something to offend you?" He looked questioningly at Underhill. "No, of course not." Underhill said but hesitated and crossed his arms over his chest before continuing. “I guess I‘m not sure having you moving in here is such a great idea.“ And here we go Magnus thought. He's one of them... as he said, “hmm because I‘m a warlock?“ Underhill interrupted him immediately. “No. No, no, no. Personally, I don‘t mind, but we‘ve got protocols against this sort of things.“  Magnus was surprisingly relieved to hear that it wasn't about him being a warlock. He should have known, Alec had a good sense for people, most shadowhunters were just poled to follow the rules. That someone like Alec suddenly starts to break the rules can be quite disconcerting. “Don‘t worry. I don‘t plan on living here longer than I have to. I love Alec but, these screens are giving me migraines" Magnus said and hoped to soothe Underhill a bit. Behind this serious expression seemed to be a nice guy, who actually meant well. He looked at Magnus with a honest expression and said something quite unusual for shadowhunters. “I‘m sorry. I didn‘t realize this was a temporary thing“ Magnus had already forgiven him and raised his hand to a let's forget it gesture and nodded smiling. Jack continues visibly relaxed,“and hey, for what it‘s wort, I‘m glad that you and Alec managed to work everything out“ Now Magnus was confused. What was he talking about? "Excuse me?" He asked perplexed. “Yeah, he... uh, told me you were having some differences.“ Underhill said. There it was again. slight anger, fear, suspicion and a light sting in his chest. These feelings were annoying. What was it about this blonde Shadowhunter, that Magnus suddenly felt so vulnerable? It somehow bothered him that Alec had discussed private matters with someone else, had discussed them with him. “Oh, he did, didn‘t he?“  was everything he managed to say. "Yeah," said Underhill again short tailed as in the beginning. He had noticed that, his statement somehow came across a bit strange. “Excuse me.“ Magnus said and made his way to the exit. He needed to talk to his best friend now.

45 minutes later, Magnus stood in front of the Beth Israel Hospital in New York and waited for his good old friend Catarina Loss. The young dark-skinned and black-haired woman came out and smiled at her friend. "There's my favorite seriously-in-love warlock," she said, pulling him into a heartfelt hug. Magnus had to grin. He loved this woman, he had already experienced so much with her and she was one of the few people whom he practically trusted blindly. "Hello my dear old house," Magnus teased back. They walked for a while until they came to a small alley and Cat opened a portal to Zurich. Magnus was glad that she took the initiative and opened the portal, he still didn't know how to confess to her about the unpleasant symptoms he was having lately. But Cat had a totally different taste in food than him. "Don't you just only eat cheese in Switzerland?", he thought. Cat rolled her eyes as she noticed his hesitation. "Come on, I know a great hip brasserie at Zurich Hardbrücke, they serve the best tapas and seashells believe me." Magnus frowned, seashells weren't really his cup of tea either. He was more kinda the old-fashioned guy always ready for a good piece of meat, medium rare. And he's just barely escaped, the tasteless cardboard which the Institute calls pancake, today. "If you don't like it I'll pay", Cat tried again. So, Magnus gave himself a jolt, today wasn't really his day. Arriving at the restaurant, Cat ordered, in her fluent Swiss German, two portions of Moules et Frites and two cocktails, with hers being non-alcoholic, as she had to work quite long this evening. 20 minutes later they sat at a table outside on the terrace, laughing, smacking, reveling in memories and enjoying the sun. Magnus had to admit that the seashells were really excellent and that his wise friend could still introduce him to new things after so many years. Yes, she knew him so well, as almost nobody else does. "Cat because of the real estate agent, can you recommend me someone?" he asked. She nodded eagerly "Yes, I know the perfect man for you, he is from Brooklyn and knows the area, as I know you, this is very important to you. I've wrote him already and made an appointment for tomorrow, I assumed you would like to move out of the institute as soon as possible?" she looked at Magnus amused "It's not that terrible," Magnus said sheepishly. "Alec is trying so hard...and..." Cat interrupted him "speaking of Alec... I didn't know what to tell the agent about the apartment your looking for, I mean I know you and your expensive taste, but if you two are really about to take the next step...? she blurted out. "How many rooms would it need ... are we about to expect some small mini Alec's any time soon, I mean I know how good he is with kids?" Magnus' eyes widened and he blushed slightly. The two broke out in laughter. Magnus loved the direct nature of his friend. He valued her opinion and knew that he could always expect an honest answer from her. "Don't you no longer think that's it a bit too fast?" Magnus asked uncertainly.

She thought for a moment before answering, "Magnus you deserve to be happy and if it makes you happy to move in with him, then do it." You've never dared to take this step with anyone else before and I haven't seen you so happy, as with Alec, for a long time now. You're good for each other and if you don't try it, you'll never know how it could have been. After her speech, Magnus couldn't stop smiling. There's something else I wanted to ask you about, he started hesitantly. usually he has got the gift of the gab, but what he wanted to ask her next was a little embarrassing. "Do you think .. um... well... that I'm a jealous person...?" Cat looked at him pleasant as she spoke,"well, well, well, a jealous Magnus Bane, never thought that I'd live so long to ever experience that. Hmm...the fact that you have to ask me that answers everything, don't you agree? " Magnus rolled his eyes, knowing she was right. He had wondered the whole morning, what was it about these new curious feelings? and then it finally fell from his eyes like scales. Jealousy. He, Magnus bane was slightly jealous of Underhill. He didn't want to admit it at first, because he was embarrassed and he thinks Underhill is actually really nice. But here he sat in front of his best friend who could read him like an open book and knew she was right. "Magnus Alec adores you, how comes you feel threatened by someone?" She asked in surprise. Magnus sighed heavily, "Oh, Catarina, it's all me, my self-doubts are coming back. I feel that everything is going too good, that I don't deserve it and I'm just kinda waiting for something or someone to come across and take that happiness away from me...you understand?" She understood him all too well, all these dramas with Camille in the passt have left their marks. Cat reached for his hand on the table and looked at him seriously. "Stop sabotaging yourself. You deserve this ok?" She looked at him so intensive, he didn't dare to turn away his head from her. "You are worth it Magnus and don't let someone else tell you otherwise,...talk to Alec about your fears, but don't let those feelings get the upper hand. A little jealousy is okey just don't overdo it okey?" Magnus was reassured, Cat always knew what she had to say to cheer him up. He didn't want to destroy the moment by telling her that his body was rejecting Lorenzo's magic. Even as she looked at him questioningly with her tell me about the last thing that's bothering you expression, he just shrugged. "Thanks, Cat, I needed that, let's head back, I should probably talk to Alec." She nodded knowingly, he would tell her when he was ready she thought and the two made their way back to New York.

Back at the institute, Magnus went straight to Alec's office. Alec once told him he doesn't always have to knock, he rarely had someone really important visiting and the big meetings were mostly held in Alicante. So, Magnus just enterd. Alec wasn't sitting at his desk as usually, he was chilling in a comfortable armchair beside his little table and studied some reports. He looked up as Magnus entered the room and asked: “how was your first day? You all set up?“ Sitting down on the armchair next to him, Magnus resolved to begin this conversation rationally. “Hmm. Good to go.“ he started before failing miserably as he continued to speak,“Your handsome friend took care of everything“ Alec frowned and thought about what Magnus just said before asking hesitantly “Underhill?“ Magnus after that quick like a shot and curiously wide-eyed,“you think he‘s handsome? The second the question left his mouth, he regretted it. Damn it Magnus, he thought, we already had this topic. Now stop with this jealousy game. You don't need this. Alec looked at him sheepishly, as the awkward bath towel situation of this morning came back to his mind, when he answered uncertainly,“I guess?“ Magnus took in the new information and tried to find the right words to tell Alec what was on his mind. Alec got a bit nervous and added,“Is that a problem?“ Magnus saw that Alec was afraid he had done something wrong and said soothingly  “No.“ Alec wasn't sure if that was true, but still devoted himself back to his reports. “Yes“ Magnus corrected and decided to be honest. Cat had advised him to talk honestly about his feelings, so he did. “I just don‘t know if I feel comfortable with you airing out our dirty laundry to the entire Institute...“ Now Alec was quite confused for a second he had thought Magnus was jealous, but it sounded quite as if something else had happened between him and Underhill.“What are you talking about?“ he asked. Magnus sighed: now or never Magnus, come on. “You told him we were having relationship issues.“ Alec wasn't sure were Magnus was going with this conversation. “So I‘m not allowed to talk to people about my problems?“ he asked in confusion. Magnus realized how childish this sounded, of course Alec was allowed to talk with his friends about his problems. It was just... what was it that disturbed him? “Well, sure. But him? You barely even know him.“ Magnus was right Alec thought and he was sorry, not about him in principle talking to others about his problems, but that Magnus was feeling uncomfortable and he somehow understood him. He hardly knew Underhill that was true, but that's how friendships start. You get to know each other and Alec trusted Underhill. He would have thought Magnus would understand that.  “I just didn‘t think it was a big deal.“ Alec finally said. Magnus had a guilty conscience, he didn't want Alec to feel bad just because he couldn't control his feelings. After all, it wasn't Alec's fault that he felt that way. He tried to choose his words carefully when he started: “I know. I just feel... Sometimes, I...“ All at once Alec could see it very clearly. he hadn't been wrong before. Magnus was jealous! His boyfriend was truly jealous.

Alec was neither hurt nor angry at this newfound fact. He had asked Magnus last night already, after he went out for a beer with Underhill at Hunter's Moon and Magnus denied it. Weak denied, but still. Alec haven't been thinking about it afterwards. And he couldn't imagine, that Magnus the most beautiful and confident man Alec knew could be jealous. He smiled from ear to ear as he finally said it,“wait. You‘re jealous.“ Magnus contradicted slightly offended when he realized that he had just been caught,“I don‘t get jealous.“ Alec kinda liked the idea of a jealous Magnus, because from his perspective there was no one who could ever compete with Magnus. He couldn't stop grinning. No one has ever been jealous of another person because of Alec. Magnus was kind of sweet when he was jealous so Alec wanted to savor the moment and tease his boyfriend a bit.“You‘re jealous. You‘re actually jealous.“ Alec stated. Magnus had no chance, the cat was out of the bag now. But he still acted a little pouted when he said: “I‘ve never gotten jealous. This is not...“ Alec's phone rang and Magnus took the opportunity to pull himself out of the affair. “Answer it.“ Magnus command and Alec just kept grinning to himself as he answered the call.

After Heidi's death and turning in Rafael to the Clave, Alec became painfully aware again of how important rules are. He loved having Magnus in the institute, but he would prefer to live with him. Having a joint home, their Home. He had asked Magnus once back then, and he didn't want to. It was too early he said. Not much time had passed since then and yet it felt like an eternity. And Alec was a stubborn person so he decided to ask one more time. He wanted to ask Underhill for advice this morning and then didn't do it cause of sheer shame. He took deep breath and went to visit his friend again. He needed a bit of courage and assurances before launching his plan. That's why he asked Underhill for the official shadowhunter-regulations when he arrived the security compartment. Alec: "Jack, are you sure the head of the institute doesn't have to live in the institute?" Jack was still rummaging in a few other documents as he spoke, "pretty sure... aha here it is!" He pulled out the thick, brown-inlaid, rather dusty book and looked for the corresponding page with the inscription."So here it is," said Underhill, reading aloud:

RULES FOR THE HEAD OF A SHADOWHUNTER INSTITUTES

RESIDENCE AND ACCOMMODATION

Art. 23 para. 7 - the head of the institute receives a suitable room in the institute, where he/she can retire and plan his/her further steps if needed.

"Hmm ... yes you're right it's not written that you have to actually live in the institute. Only that you'll get a room to use, as a place to think." Alec said slowly. "So could I help you?" Underhill asked, smiling. "I think so, thanks for everything," Alec responds, lost in his thought and already turned to leave. Should he ask Magnus again or would that be too intrusive? He didn't want to force himself on Magnus but he could see their future clearly in mind. He knew that he was ready and wanted make all these new experiences with him. No matter how scared he was of another rejection, he would try it again.

"Magnus had realized that he had acted very irrational previously and he should apologize to Alec. Full of anticipation he opened the door to Alec's office and entered. "You where looking for me?" he asked, willing to admit his mistake. Alec looked down in distress and nodded "Yeah." Magnus, now ready  to stand the ground started his apology, which he had practiced in his head for the last half a hour, because that's the way to do it in a healthy relationship. Communication is everything. "Alexander if this is about what we were talking about earlier, I was wrong. You have every right to talk out your problems with your friends, no matter how good-looking they are."he started frantically. But Alec interrupted him gently,"this isn't about that. This is about you living at the Institute. "Oh." was the only thing Magnus could answer, he hadn't expected the conversation to lead into that direction. Alec spoke slowly, choosing each word carefully. "Believe me I want to live with you, but you were right. Having a outsider live at the Institute that is against the protocol. And how can I expect everyone else to follow the rules, if I don't follow them myself?" Magnus didn't blame Alec, he knew it was a logical conclusion. He was more than thankful that they had even tried. "I understand. I'll move out first thing in the morning "Magnus replied understanding. But Alec wasn't finished yet, something important to him, still seemed to be on his mind. "However, there is no protocol that says the head of the Institute has to actually live at the Institute. So when you find a place, I was hoping that we could...both move in...together." Magnus heart was racing, yes Alec had milled his plan to ask him to move in with him this time, but Magnus couldn't care less about that now. This time, Magnus didn't have to think about it, it made him so unbelievably happy that Alec really had the courage to ask him again. He had played with this thought all day long and having Alec ask him again made his self-doubt disappear. You deserve to be happy he heard Cat's voice in his head. He didn't expect Alec to bring up back this sensitive topic but his Alexander never ceased to amaze him. This time he was ready. He wanted Alec and he wanted everything with him.  At once, that throbbing pain in his head started off again and slowly but surely he couldn't ignore it anymore. But he pulled himself together cause he needed to answer this. He needed this, he needs to  make this promise before it's too late. "Only if I get my own walk-in closet."he answered while smiling full of love and Alec could hardly believe it. He was so nervous and surprised at the same time because he had already suspected a NO in the back of his head. "You mean that?" he asked in disbelief. "Of course. I love you." Magnus said and took a step towards him to kiss him. But in that moment, the ringing in his head began again harder and louder and everything around him began to turn. My body, what's going on with my body? His body cramped and blood shot out of his nose and then out of his mouth.

"Magnus?" Alec asked worriedly. Magnus coughed and turned away. Even now he tried to hide the pain from Alec. His stomach turned and he felt the warm blood in his mouth. "Magnus?" Alec asked worriedly. "I'm fine." He could just say before spewing huge amounts of blood on the floor and collapsing. I can't speak, I can't think straight, Magnus thoughts were a wild mess. Alec is holding me I'm not falling anymore, stay with me Alec, please don't leave me. Words, where are the words? I can't speak I can't invoke the right language."Magnus?" Alec is  calling me and I hear myself speaking. Why am I talking Indosnesian. "Magnus?" I hear him scream again. Pain, more pain. My head is pulsing. It's getting worse. Oh no my head is going to explode. "Magnus?" Alec yells. I can hear his fear and desperation."Medic! Somebody get help!" he screams. I feel like everything is slipping away. "Magnus!" Alec's voice is so far away now and even the pain feels dull. "Someone get help!" I hear him say and suddenly everything is dark.

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ INSECURITIES ARE HUMAN.

This story takes place between 3Bx14 & 3Bx15

I know Underhill has not been given a first name yet so I'll just name him Jack in my story. If the name gets revealed in season 3B, I will revise the text and replace the name. :) *(Part 1 of my series: our heart beats like one)

So enjoy reading & please remember English is not my mother tongue... :)

Sometimes I can't understand his reasoning, I can't understand him. Why can't I just understand his actions and be happy for him? He has regained his magic, well more likely he got a top-of-the-line dose of Lorenzo's and even that to a pretty lousy price. To the price tag of the loft. His home. My home. Nevertheless, I should be happy for him, but I just can't. Am I a bad boyfriend now?

Alec is lying on his bed at the New York Institute and has been staring at his white bare ceiling enormously fascinated for a quite bit of  time now. He never realized how uncomfortable his room was set up. The large room radiated more of a particularly than a cozy atmosphere. Everything looked rather cool. The antique furnitures were indiscriminately combined, the whole previous facility more functional than friendly and inviting. Not like if someone would really live here and feeling safe and secure while being there. Neither Alec's character was reflected nor did it somehow felt like his home. Home, that was the key word, Magnus' Loft was home, Magnus was his home. A part of Alec, just a tiny little egotistical part of Alec, had been looking forward to the loss of Magnus magic. He had felt an unintentional relief at the thought that he and Magnus now had a chance to get old together and the immortality issue would be out of the blue once and for all. But as soon as the thought had come so quickly it had evaporated again. He knew how much Magnus was suffering from the loss of his magic and it hurt him to see him like that. His magic connected him with everything around him and without it he felt like a stranger. In the body of a more than 400-year-old warlock without the electrifying feeling of his magic flowing through him like blood through his veins. So how could Alec begrudge him that feeling? Furthermore, it was not certain that the return of his magic had automatically resolved the mortality. But he was too afraid to ask him this question. This one question that burned like fire on his tongue. The fear that this little shameful part of him would gain the upper hand in a confrontation. He didn't want Magnus to know about that ugly part of him. And so he was back to the beginning of his thoughts, was he a bad boyfriend because of that?

All at once his cell phone rings and an unknown number showed up  on the display. Astonished, Alec answered the phone "Alexander Lightwood, head of the New York Institute, who am I talking to?" There was a moment of silence at the other end. Until the person cleared his throat. "Underhill here, well ahm... Jack." Alec felt a little stupid right now. Why did he have to answer so over-formally? Jack continued "I got your number from Isabel, After assuring her that I really only wanted to go out for a drink after work without any ulterior motives, she gave me your number." Ahm... yeah so, how about a beer? The first round is on me." "Alec tried to quickly sort the information inside his head: 1. OK then his cheeky sister Izzy just pulled out his private number 2. what makes her think that Underhill would actually go for someone like Alec? Alec blushed at the thought. Of course two gay men could also only be friends with each other and 3. Would Magnus see it that way too? What was he thinking, sure Magnus was not a jealous man. "Yeah, why not, Hunter's Moon at 8:00pm?" Jack laughed relieved. It almost seems like he wants to talk to Alec about something important. "Sounds great see you then." They said goodbye and Alec slips his phone a bit confused back into his pocket. He never really had friends apart from his brother Jace and his sister Izzy. Well there were still Clary and Simon. But Simon talked too much about irrelevant mundane stuff and Dustin Hoffman movies. Clary and him were just recently getting along maybe that would change in the future but right now it was more like a collegiate base. It would be nice to have someone who was just his friend, someone who knew what it was like to come out at the institute, someone he could talk to about shadowhunter-stuff and relationship issues and who'd actually understand him. Of course, Jace was his Parabatei and felt everything what Alec felt through their connection and tried to help him as best possible. But Jace, well... Jace, was still Jace at the end of the day and his advice, though well intentioned often not really helpful. With Magnus he could talk about all these things and he appreciated that. He had never opened so much to anyone but what bothered him now, had to do with Magnus and therefore he also dropped out as an option. So Alec was looking forward to hangout with Underhill, with Jack.

Magnus just left Hunter's Moon after his cheering-up-martini. He was feeling a little melancholic at the thought of his lost loft. But he was still convinced that it was worth it. At the end of the day it's just a thing and so he had the opportunity to look for a new home. That was always a lot of fun. He loves to have a look at new apartments and then set it up and decorate it again. He had the money and who knows, maybe he could even persuaded Alec to to paint the walls with him and pick out new furniture from catalogs? Maybe there was even a similar apartment in Brooklyn just waiting for him. And perhaps it was a sign? That the time to take the next step and move in with Alec has come. He had told Alec a few weeks earlier that it wasn't the time yet, that it's to soon.  They were together for about two months now but it felt like an eternity. He wanted to say yes that day when Alec stood there in Magnus' blue shirt when he looked at him expectantly, but he couldn't. He was too afraid and had never ventured this step with anyone before. With Alec he always discovered new needs, needs he never know that they were even there. What Magnus really wanted, no needed was waking up every morning beside his wonderful boyfriend, to lose himself in those beautiful hazel colored eyes, having breakfast with him, eating french toast on a balcony each and every morning, spend the day with him and wait for his return in the evening. For his return to their home. Home, Magnus smiled, yes he was ready for this new adventure.

Arriving at Hunter's Moon, Alec looked for the blond shadowhunter. He just missed Magnus who went out of the back door. Jack Underhill sat at the counter with a beer in his hand and waved to Alec. Alec sat down and ordered a beer as well. Magnus tried to familiarize him with the different drinks and wines but Alec was usually more confused at the end, that's why it was always up to Magnus to decide. He thought taking the same thing like Underhill would be the easiest. "Cool that you've  made it, Underhill started, I honestly asked you out for a reason ..." Alec frowned, and took a sip of his beer. Jack hesitated before he finally started. "I haven't been dating anybody for a long time now and..." Alec's thoughts were a wild mess now. "Oh by the angel, no I don't know how to deal with such a situation please don't say what I think you're about to say ..." Underhill took a deep breath and asked: Would you be my wingman tonight? Alec blushed, he wasn't expecting that. He has never been asked to be someone's wingman. Jace didn't need anyone because he was the master of flirting and now he's happy in a relationship with Clary anyway. What do you even do as a good wingman? Alec wasn't sure. Nevertheless, he agreed" "Okey, then and what did you have in mind?" he asked hesitantly. Underhill told him he just had to help him talk to a potential partner. "I don't know if I'm the right person for this job..."Alec said. Jack shook his head tentative. "Of course! if not you who else?" You got yourself the High Warlock of Brooklyn the Magnus Bane!" Alec grinned at the thought of Magnus. Although he wasn't the high warlock of Brooklyn anymore he sometimes couldn't believe it himself. Magnus wasn't only incredibly hot and sexy but also extremely funny intelligent and... oh, he shouldn't digress it wasn't about him now. But how should he help Underhill? Communication with other people apart from Magnus wasn't really his strength. Except he was drunk then he was according to Izzy *a babbling waterfall* "Well, let's try it, but I'll need two more beers first," Alec laughed.

Meanwhile Magnus opened a portal in the narrow alley behind the bar to get into the institute. Suddenly blood ran from his right nostril down to his lips. Surprised, he wiped his nose and tried to suppress the thought that wanted to spread in his head. Just don't think about it, then it is not true. He wipes his hand on the inside of his jacket and walked through the portal. Once there, he sets out to find Alec, he should be finished working by now. But he doesn't find him anywhere. As he passes the Armory, he sees Izzy and he decides to ask her about Alec."Isabelle, have you seen Alec? I wanted to surprise him with a dinner in Paris and talk about my... our... new living situation." Izzy looks at him sheepishly as she replies "Yes he is with Jack, I mean Underhill they went out for a drink." "Oh... Jack," Magnus says visibly surprised by this message. "Well then we'll have to delay this special occasion..."Izzy perky as always "don't worry about my brother, he only has eyes for you and I think tall, blonde and handsome is more like Clary's type." "Yes ... no no, I'm not jealous Isabel, do you know when he'll be back?" Izzy thought about it "naah, no idea tomorrow is his day off from that... I don't know. Magnus was undecided what to do next. He had hoped to spend the night with Alec in his apartment in Paris. Now he wasn't even sure if it's a good idea to open a portal again. Should he just wait in Alec's room? Yes, that was a good idea. "I'll just wait for him in his room," Magnus said. Izzy nodded and continued polishing her seraph blade. Magnus headed to the bedchambers of the institute until he reached Alec's room. He rubbed his hands happily when he got the idea to redesign the room. And so he was busy with his new project for the next few hours.

An hour later, the two men sat laughing, lolling and loot spying at the counter. So far, Alec had not found any of Underhills suggested men passable. Underhill: "How about the one over there at the pool table, the one in the white shirt?" "I mean he looks good... and I like the way he's stroking through his hair when he laughs... somehow cute." Alec: "Uh... really?" I'm not sure, he's a bit pale" he said with a shrug. Jack: "Well, not everybody can have a flawless tanned caramel-like body with perfectly defined muscles and silky smooth hair. Alec looked at him puzzled "you remember that you're talking about my boyfriend right? Underhill then a bit uncomfortable "Yeah sorry, but I mean Magnus is really good-looking even I can see that. Alec laughs and turns back to Mr. White-Shirt. He inspects him from top to bottom, but finds it difficult to find something about him that he would actually classify as attractive. Automatically, Magnus' Ideal Body appeared in his mind's eye and Alec started comparing the two men. He couldn't say if he would find the man attractive if Magnus wasn't his boyfriend. Hm... Okay the guy could play pool that was positive but otherwise? Alec: Well he's definitely not a Magnus, at the most a 6 out of 10 and he's good at playing pool, you like doing that too sooo...? Jack: "Haha, but I'm not looking for a second Magnus either..." he started but Alec interrupted him, "you wouldn't even find a second one he said in a played sulkily tone. Underhill "Maybe I should have thought this through." The two men burst out laughing again and so it goes back and forth for a while. As Alec's phone rings in his pocket. "Oh, speaking of which..., "heeeey baaabe... "he mumbles into the phone, smiling.

Magnus on the other side of the phone exhales slowly before answering in his casual tone. "Hello darling... I've heard you're out, uhm... with a friend and I wanted to ask you when you're about to be back..? I'm here at the institute, decorating your room a bit..." Magnus cursed inside that wasn't very subtle, he had told Isabel that he wasn't jealous and he meant it. Especially after so many centuries and several relationships, he had learned that, jealousy is just a feeling that comes from your own insecurity. And he knew that he could fully trust Alec but even Magnus was uncertain sometimes. Unsure he might be easy to replace? "Pssst... that's my boyfriend Magnus on the other end, could you all be quiet, thanks!" Alec rolled his eyes at the guests at Hunter's Moon and shaking his head as if it were the most logical thing that the entire bar has to be quiet when his boyfriend calls. Yes drunk Alec was here. Underhill could barely suppress his laugh as he tried to ignore the evil glares of the others. "Send your better half kind regards." Magnus heard Underhill whispering in the background. Alec returned to his conversation with Magnus. "Ahm... greetings, no a kind regards from Jack and I'll be on my way in about 15 minutes," Alec whispered lovingly into his phone. Magnus' heart on the other end began to throb wildly, oh he loved this Nephilim so much that it almost hurt and Underhill is a nice guy so get yourself together Bane. "See you then darling," Magnus replied and hung up.

After Alec has finished the call, the sentence which Underhill had told him a few weeks ago went through his head - Nephilim love once, fiercely - Yes, he couldn't look at other men without thinking about Magnus and his inner conflict made itself noticeable again. Now was the right time to ask Jack for advice. So he took all his courage together and just blurted out with it. "Hey... Can I ask you something serious about ahm... relationships...?" Alec asked. Underhill took a deep breath and stretched slowly. "Alright buddy go ahead." Alec started to tell him about his worries. He told him that he was hurt when he found out that Magnus had regained his magic today. Because he has the feeling that Magnus prefers to have his magic, be immortal and to outlive him. To forget him and one day simply replace him, instead of being mortal and spend like fifty years in the mundane way with Alec. He confessed to him that he thought the biggest hurdle in their relationship would be out of the world. Even though he wants Magnus to be happy at all costs, he doesn't know how to handle this feeling. "He could have died trying and did'n't even ask for my opinion you understand? And I dare not to ask him if he has now regained his magic and immortality, or only his magic and if I am unnecessarily maddening." Jack nodded slowly as he said "It's always best to start with yourself first." Let's talk about the immortality part..."

Alec was obviously feeling better after Underhill's speech and decided to get back reasonably sober with a lot of coffee and then confront Lorenzo at the handover in Magnus' loft. Nobody had the right to humiliate his Magnus like that and he would do anything, to make sure his boyfriend was happy again. The two men said goodbye and reassured each other to repeat this soon again. Alec walked towards Magnus' loft, the cool New York breeze blew in his face and he felt more sober after each block and more like himself again. He took the time to think about Jack's words. Alec had realized he was right about everything. He loves Magnus and he knew from the beginning that Magnus was immortal. He knew that one day he'd be old and that Magnus would probably just bee as young and alive as now. The new situation, whether temporary or not, doesn't change the fact that Magnus is a warlock. He was born as a warlock and his magic is a part of him as well as the immortality. Done.

The loft was unrecognizable. Alec went to the balcony and admired the view as he did so often before, as the door opened and Lorenzo entered. He had so much to say to him, wanted to yell at him, beat him but he tried to stay calm. Instead, he just asked quietly, "You really are despicable, aren't you? Lorenzo remained calm and replied only insolently, "Mr. Lightwood what a pleasant surprise. I didn't know you came with this apartment." And confessed that he just wanted to humiliate Magnus and put him in his place after all, he is now the high warlock of Brooklyn. Not Magnus. Mockingly, he added a condescending remark, "And the fact that he sent his little boyfriend to plead his case tells me I more than succeeded."Alec was seething with anger. Lorenzo forgot who he was talking to. Alec would teach him some manners. Lorenzo could play games with everyone else but not with Alec. No. "I'm the head of the New York Institute. Don't speak to me like that." For a moment he saw the fear in Lorenzo's eyes. Lorenzo said soothingly: "You're right." Perhaps this is getting unnecessarily heated." So Alec tried to negotiate with him offered to find him a better deal. But the warlock refused. He was only interested in referring Magnus to his place and playing out his new position of power. Alec had heard enough. You don't climb higher than you should otherwise you'll fall deeper than you'd like. And Lorenzo was getting too cocky. Alec lowered his voice as he spoke again "Enjoy this position while it lasts." The Clave doesn't take kindly to conniving, unethical Downworld... Leaders." He took a step towards Lorenzo and glared at him as he said: "You will slip up." And when you do, I'll be waiting there to take you down." With these last words he left the loft and thus a thoughtful and confused Lorenzo Rey.

Back at the institute Alec opened the door to his room when he realized, that he was probably still a little drunk, since he had obviously mistaken the room. He was just about to turn in between the door step when the shape on the bed moved and two cat eyes lit up in the dark and gazed at him. "Alec is it you?" Perplexed, Alec tried to spot the flaw in the room in the dim light. The furniture were the same but the walls had been painted in a cool shade of gray, black picture frames were mounted on the walls, with memories of travels he had made with Magnus. It looked like in an art gallery. A big plant was standing next to his desk and he slowly recognized the Scandinavian style that wafted through the room. "Maaa...gnuus, what have you done to my room...?" Alec laughed. He heard a giggle followed by a yawn."I was bored when I was waiting for you and well Nordic Interior Design is currently very trendy, you like it?" In that moment Alec knew he would never ask him. He didn't need to know the answer. The only truth he knew was that he loved this man with skin and hair. And that was all that matters. "I love it" Alec said. "And I love you, so will you finally join me my angel?" Magnus whispered. Alec liked it when Magnus addressed him with pet names, though not all of them were great, but most of them were actually really cute. He wasn't as original at them like his boyfriend and when he tried well... something strange came out of it. He has become friends with *Babe* it was not very originally but since he was the only one allowed to call Magnus like that it was enough. He undressed and slipped in something comfortable to sleep before he went to bed an snuggled up with Magnus. For a while they lay there quietly entwined until Alec asked into the darkness: "Magnus were you jealous of Underhill...? cause I wasn't sure but... " Magnus hesitated for a moment before he answered, maybe in an octave too high "Uhm nope, I have no reason to be." Alec laughed as he noticed the little lie and pressed Magnus even closer to him. He whispered in his ear: "We both know that there is no reason for jealousy but sometimes even I'm a bit jealous, I think that's normal." Magnus turned to look at Alec in surprise. His Alec jealous of whom? He could not imagine with the best of intentions who Alec even rudimentarily regarded as competition. "Please, who could you possibly be jealous of?" Magnus asked. Alec grinned into the darkness. "Good night babe."

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ THE BRAVEST PERSON I KNOW.

Hello everyone, this story takes place after the training scene in season 3Bx12.

This is my first fanfiction ever and my native language is not English so don't be too hard on me :) Critics are always welcome though, I would like to improve my "English" writing skills.

Sooo have fun with my story. :)

"Alec, you're such an idiot," the Shadowhunter mumbles. "Why do you always put yourself in such stupid and embarrassing situations? Yeah you're a fearless Shadowhunter and head of the New York Institute but why couldn't you listen to your gut instinct? You don't start running right away just because you've learned how to walk."

Alexander Lightwood is tied to a massive pole behind his back. There was not the slightest possibility to get out of this uncomfortable position over time. Unfortunately it was dark that's why he identified his attacker too late. He feels the warm hairy and long legs that felt along his stomach. "Damn it Lightwood, don't let your fear get the upper hand." he muttered. But it was too late. Alec had no chance the panic came over him. His heart was racing and he could literally feel how the air was getting thinner.

"Jace?" Clary asks for the fifth time now. The couple was lying relaxed and satisfied in Jace's bed at the New York Institute. Well at least until a minute ago when Jace suddenly fell into a kind of trance. She reaches for her stele to activate the healing iratzerune, cause her psycho brother had to tell her in the most macabre way that he misses her. After the rescue of Clary from the clutches of her crazy murderous brother Jonathan, the right time for her first time with Jace had finally come today. All the dramas of the last few weeks felt so surreal and far away. She didn't want these dramas to start all over again and destroy this wonderful moment. Thankfully Jace didn't noticed the carved words: -I MISS YOU- on her arm which where slowly fading away, as he was still stepped away and staring into the air.

- It is an anxious and at the same time overwhelming feeling. Dull, barely noticeable and yet completely present. Concern mixed with mild panic. Like that unpleasant feeling in school before an exam you haven't prepared for. A racing heartbeat, nervousness and then the fear that gradually became noticeable. Jace immediately recognized the symptoms that slowly spread like a ghastly fog in his body and demanded his attention. -

Clary sits in an upright position, as she is now getting a bit unsure. "Where was her boyfriend with his thoughts, hadn't he liked it? No, Clary stop drive yourself crazy, you don't need that, Jace loves you and you could see it in his eyes, he definitely liked it." She quickly pushed the thought aside and nudged Jace slightly. He flinches as if he had just awakened from a dream. It's Alec he informed her in a worried tone and got up. There was something wrong with his Parabatei. "I feel his fear, we have to go!"

Magnus was lost in thought standing in front of his 18th-century oak cabinet looking for a whip. He had no idea that Alec was facing his greatest fear right now. Lost in thought and humming to himself, Magnus rummaged in his closet. On some days he could hardly believe his luck. How was it possible that he Magnus Bane the High Warlock of Brooklyn was blessed with the most wonderful and yet best-looking Shadowhunter in the world? Yes, it took Alec some time to finally regain his sexuality and confess his love for Magnus. But honestly Alec was worth the wait and besides that, he had made his love for Magnus very clear in front of everyone at his *near-wedding* with Lydia. He belongs to Magnus and Magnus belongs to him. Since then, they had gone through a lot together. From fighting dangerous and overly evil demons like Lilith up to tricky dinners with Alec's mother Maryse and a nightmare bringing stew. Magnus knew that he had hit the jackpot with having Alec as his boyfriend and that they were able to master every hurdle and challenges. Alec didn't judge Magnus for who he was. Even when he admitted that his father was no one less than the Greater Demon Asmodeus also known as the Prince of Hell, he was unimpressed. Alec gave Magnus the love he had been waiting for all these centuries, for his whole life, and even much more. Magnus vowed to show his Shadowhunter every day how grateful he was and thanked the universe for the love it had brought to him. He would show Alec his love as often as he could in any possible way.

Although Magnus was more experienced in relationships than his partner. Alec never ceased to surprise him over and over again. Just like today as the couple was about to freshen up the rusty fighting techniques of the Warlock in the training room of the Institute. Now that Magnus had traded his powers as well as his immortality to Asmodeus, he wanted to be able to defend himself without his innate powers. Of course, Alec didn't know that Magnus was personally trained several years ago by Grand Master Mitsuyo Maeda. And of course, Magnus enjoyed bringing his astonished Alexander into the most unlikely positions, provoking him, flirting with him and keeping him confused whenever he could. He didn't expect Alec, who was so uptight and uncertain in the past, to seize the opportunity and push him against the cold pillar, kiss him passionately and wildly in this public area. “That was way out of his comfort zone wasn't it?“ So far, they've only had exchanged gentle kisses and even during sex, they remained on the flower-vanillia-level. Not that Magnus would complain. The sex with Alec was despite his lack of experience, to describe it in just one word: absolutely fantastic, incredibly hot and mind-blowing sex. Ok... it couldn’t be described with one word. So when he then pantingly suggested to hold his thought and move the whole action into his bedroom, Magnus could hardly hide his astonishment. And he was even more surprised by his demanding and dominant way Alec let him feel in bed. Even though Magnus was topping as he mostly did, and setting the pace of the thrusts, Alec grabbed his hips and pulled him harder and faster towards him. At the thought of their sexual activities earlier this day, Magnus went through a comforting shudder.

"MA..GNUUUS..!" he suddenly heard Alec yelling his name in panic. "I'm not ready to... Oh god MAAAAG... NUUS, where are you why do you need so long?!"

Magnus reached for the whip he finally spotted in the back of the cupboard and rolls his eyes. “Why was Alec all at once so impatient?“ At the Slouvaki truck in Queens an hour ago, he told Magnus they should slow down and savor such unique moments, otherwise they would not even remember them in the future. And after Clary finally got back safely to the institute, Alec became even bolder and made as suggest to Magnus in the presence of everyone, whispering in his sexy seductive voice, he would like to heat up their pillow talk with these whip-games like in that one vampire movie. When, according to this statement, Magnus only stared at him incredulously and unable to move. Alec added mischievously and sweet, "Unless you dare to spank a Shadowhunter's ass." The realization that Alec dared to share such lascivious thoughts in public with him at the institute turned him on so badly. Magnus only grinned promising and denied himself to point out that Alec probably mistook the film and meant 50 Shades of Gray and not Twilight. The portal to Magnus' Loft was open in seconds. Magnus wouldn't miss the opportunity to indulge his Alexander with sensuous blows and taut pats, with his slender leather whip.

MAAAAAGNUUUS! “I swear by the angels if you don't move your sexy ass into this room right now it was the last time we tried something like this!”

"So authoritative, Alexander." Magnus chuckles as he heads for the bedroom. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed how the door handle of the loft was pushed down and Jace and Clary stuck their heads into the living room. "Where is he?" Jace yelled completely out of breath. "Izzy said you left the institute together, Clary adds with a gasp." Magnus stopped as if rooted to the spot, caught red-handed only wearing his black silk boxer shorts, gave Jace an annoyed and questioning look. At the same time he tried to hide the whip unobtrusively behind his back. It was clear that Alec's annoying brother managed once again to destroy an intimate moment. For that he was Alec's Parabatei, he was clearly missing the sensitivity to find an appropriate time whenever he wanted to talk to Alec. "Knocking is not your strength isn't it?" Magnus replied frustrated. Clary, who starts to understand the situation, blushes and tries to pull back Jace on his arm towards the exit. "Jace I think there's a mistake here, she grins sheepishly." Jace shakes his head timidly, "Naah, No, No... I'm feeling it he is scared, he's full of fear and panic," Jace contradicts. "Are you forcing him to do something he doesn't want to? " At that moment, a fearful scream echoes throughout the loft.

AAAAAH! MAAAGNUS! PLEASE!

Alec wind under the touch of his archenemy. Why does Magnus need so long and with whom is he speaking out there? Sure, this whole tie him to the bed thing was his idea. He thought trying something new doesn't hurt right? He always wanted to know if the rumors about pleasure and pain were true. Besides Magnus was only too pleased to use his old whip again after so many years. But who could have known that one of Magnus' ingredients for his potions would break out of his office, which funnily enough had to be a hairy, disgusting spider and find his way to their bedroom. Alec's greatest fear was now walking up and down on his stomach with relish, and in that position he couldn't possibly reach for his Stele to at least activate the fearless rune. He felt so helpless and ashamed that such a small creature could intimidate him so much.

Finally Magnus stormed into the room with Jace and Clary in tow. "Oh, shit I was prepared for everything except this!" Jace blurted out, he could only suspect how Alec was feeling right now. Not only did he have a huge spider on his belly, but also the fact that he was tied half naked to Magnus' bed and knew that Jace would withhold this moment forever. Magnus made a graceful gesture to let his magic play, then paused as it occurred to him that he no longer had those powers. Unexpectedly Clary spoke. "Alec... do not move now," she said in a low monotone voice as she walked towards him. She took a jewelry box from Magnus' dressing table and tore off a page from the GQ magazine that lay next to it. She sneaked quietly toward the spider, then slowly placed the box over the spider so that the animal sat roughly in the middle. Then she gently pushed the sheet of paper under the box. With a triumphant smile, she lifted the jewelry box up in the air and handed over the animal to Magnus. Alec let out a relieved sigh. "That's not how I've imagined this new experience" he mumbled embarrassed and blushed. Jace refused to comment the whole situation this time because he felt how much his parabatei was ashamed. Instead, he took Clary by the hand. Let's give these two lovebirds a bit privacy, after all, we were pretty busy too. Clary grinned contentedly and said "hmm.. I guess I deserve a new sketchbook, what do you think?"

After the two had left the loft, Magnus relieved Alec from his chains, well in this case from his bathrobe belt. They sat there for a moment, just in silence until Magnus spoke up, ashamed. "I'm so sorry Alexander, I should have known something was wrong." Alec looked at him stunned. "You don't have to apologize for anything Magnus, I'm the one to apologize, I'm so sorry, I'm such a wimp that I'm scared of this little crawly animals, I hope you're not too ashamed of me being your boyfriend. " he said subdued. It's exactly these moments that showed Magnus how great his boyfriend really was. Even after being confronted with his greatest anxiety, he is convinced he had failed. How could it be that he didn't see how great he is? And it was this kind of innocent ignorance which made him so pure and amiable "Alexander..." Magnus began in a gentle firm voice. Believe me when I tell you that you didn't do anything wrong and you could never disappoint me. You are the bravest and most fearless person I know and I could not be more proud of calling you my boyfriend." Alec still smiled a little uncertainly as he asked. "So maybe we can stay a little longer on this flower-vanillia-level?" Magnus giggled in amusement as he nodded affirmatively. Alec visibly relaxed again and pulled Magnus into a passionate and heartfelt kiss. "I love you, Magnus" he said. And I love you Alexander, "Magnus replied.