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"In Memoriam"

Mosquito Press pays tribute to the people whose political careers died this 2013. We're very sorry for their loss.

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Comelec imposes text, load ban

On the heels of a liquor ban and a money ban, the Commission on Elections (Comelec) has now issued a ban on cellphone text messages and the loading of prepaid credit.

From May 9 to 13, Philippine citizens shall not be allowed to send SMS texts and buy prepaid load. Comelec has also directed telecoms companies to suspend all unlimited texting promos, such as Globe's "Unlitext" and Smart's "All Text."

"This prevents candidates from sending spam messages and text blasts which have been bombarding people for weeks," says Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes, Jr. "Everyday, for example, I receive a text from Jack Enrile, asking me to vote for him. I just want Jack Enrile to stop texting me."

"We have also heard reports of a new vote-buying method, where candidates pay voters in prepaid load instead of cash," Brillantes added. "We all know that the poor people, they cannot say no to load, so the load ban will put a stop to that."

Comelec spokesperson James Jimenez meanwhile urges the public to comply with the Commission's new rules. "The gun ban, the liquor ban, the money ban, and now, the text and load ban, all of these are designed to create free and fair elections," Jimenez says.

"The gun ban prevents violence, the liquor ban prevents drunkenness, the money ban prevents vote-buying… The only problem we have left to solve is people making dumb decisions. Next elections, we'll impose an idiot ban. Anybody with an IQ below 80 will be disallowed from voting," Jimenez declares. — Mosquito Press

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Nancy Binay reveals childhood trauma: 'Papa forced me to debate him!'

After news leaked this week that Nancy Binay had secured a Temporary Protection Order against "any kind of discussion (or) debates," Filipino netizens have attacked the Senatorial candidate, calling her "dumb" and "not fit for public office."

The attacks hurt Ms. Binay, who is seeking her first elected position after a storied career as a personal assistant to her parents. "People say I have no experience, but as a personal assistant, I have had many achievements," Binay tells Mosquito Press.

According to her curriculum vitae, Nancy Binay's career achievements include "Successfully getting coffee for Vice President Jejomar Binay," and "Successfully scheduling Vice President Binay's vasectomy."

"All of these are acts of public service," Nancy declares.

Of course, the younger Binay understands that politics is a dirty game. "When my father told me that I will be running, I knew that there would be personal attacks. People will question my ability. They will target my looks. I accept that because me too, I question my looks."

"But when I say that I don't want to debate anybody, the public should accept that. Walang basagan ng trip! This decision is very personal to me."

Nancy begins to cry. At this point in our interview, we ask her if she is OK.

"No I'm not OK!" she shouts.

"I've never told anybody this," she says — her voice trembling as she struggles to regain her composure — "When I was young, papa forced me to debate him."

"He brought me to his room and he locked the door. He took off his shirt and his pants. He was only wearing boxers. Then, he grabbed my hand and said, 'Debate me! Debate me!'"

"I was only seven years old," Nancy whispers. "I was only seven years old…" — Mosquito Press

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Sotto appointed Secretary of Tweets

With the signing of the Cybercrime Prevention Act, President Noynoy Aquino has approved the creation of the Department of Tweets, a government agency tasked to "regulate and monitor" all activity on the social networking site, Twitter.

The President today appointed Sen. Tito Sotto as Secretary of the newly-created department. Sotto assumes the position immediately.

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country," Sotto told media. "With this appointment, I think about all the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that Filipino creed: Yes we can."

Under the Cybercrime Prevention Act, all Filipinos must have their tweets approved by the government before posting. Similar to the MTRCB, the Department of Tweets has a review board composed of representatives from the religious sector. Offensive tweets are censored, libelous tweets are forwarded to the NBI for criminal investigation, and posts with child pornography are sent to the CBCP.

REVIEW PROCESS

"The review process is simple," Sotto said. "We call it '1-2-3.' One, submit via mail or fax the application form, along with two valid ID's, NBI clearance, and birth certificate. Two, pay the review fee of P2,000. Three, wait three weeks for approval."

Sotto warned that users who post unauthorized tweets face jail time. He also urged the public to just accept the new procedures. "With great power comes great responsibility," Sotto said.

Presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte in a press briefing commended the appointment of Sotto, and defended the creation of the Department of Tweets.

"Freedom is never absolute. There are responsibilities that do accompany our freedoms, the freedoms that we do possess. And from the emergence of technology as another platform kasi dati TV, radyo, diyaryo lang tayo e. So, ngayon you have a new platform for people to engage in and that’s only fitting also that there should be regulation to some extent," Valte said.

"Kasi siguro ‘yung i-parallel natin diyan ‘yung mga reporters nga, ‘yung mga journalists, they’re liable if they’re not responsible, and you have platforms kasi. Iba-iba tayo nang pinanghahawakang platform, and because of the emergence of that, then there should also be responsibility that is attached to people who make use of that particular platform," Valte added.

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Juxtaposition Fail

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An interview with Jinkee Pacquiao's old face

BY THE STAFF

"What happened to Jinkee's face??!" cried many on social media this week, after seeing the latest cover of Mega Magazine with a virtually unrecognizable Mrs. Pacquiao.

Well, we at Mosquito Press have found out. We tracked down Jinkee Pacquiao's old face and found it at a nursing home in Caloocan, where it is recovering from massive surgical wounds.

We spoke with it about family, culture, and its feelings toward Mrs. Pacquiao's replacement face. Here is our exclusive interview.

How is your relationship like with Jinkee Pacquiao's new face?

We're civil naman. When we see each other, I smile, and then it tries to smile back. 

How is your relationship with Jinkee?

You know, I was the face Jinkee was born with with. She met Manny because of me. He fell in love with her because of me. When they were poor, and through all the difficult times, I stayed fair and wrinkle-free.

So, am I mad that Jinkee replaced me? How can I be mad? She's not naman a pakshet. She's not a pakshet who never replies to my texts; who has never even bothered to thank me. She's not.

It was a painful separation, then?

Duh, they used a knife! Ang daming dugo, like iww. 

What was Mr. Pacquiao's reaction?

Nothing. But then again, Manny's face only has two expressions: deadma and "araaay!" Haven't you seen his movie?

No, I haven't.

Oo nga pala, nobody saw his movie.

There has been talk that the Pacquiaos' marriage is on the rocks. Do you have any comment on this?

The marriage is going strong. Jinkee's happy when Manny's happy, and Manny's very happy. It's a different face he sees in the morning now.

Has the transformation affected the Pacquiao children?

It took them a while to get used to Jinkee's new face. They were always crying, "I want my mommy!" even though Jinkee was right in front of them.

But eventually, they liked it. Queen Elizabeth nga said, "Mommy, I want to look like you." Jinkee laughed and said, "Take it out of your trust fund."

People hit Jinkee for her heavy use of cosmetic surgery. What is your message for her critics?

Haters to the left. I won't even glorify them. They're just jealous ants, while Jinkee is a role model for majority of Filipinas.

Everyday, young girls look up to her and think, "One day, I, too, can marry a boxer. I can become a billionaire. I can have enough money to make my flat nose sharp, my brown skin white, my chest a size C, and bring my waistline down to anorexia levels."

That's so inspirational.

So, white is beautiful and flat noses are flaws to be fixed?

Yah. But I'm not saying that brown is ugly, no? If you're comfortable looking like Pokwang, go lang ng go! I support your inner beauty!

What about Angel Aquino?

That's different. She has class.

A final question: What are your plans for the future?

I want to travel. Maybe see Morocco, Nepal, Antarctica, and Latin America. I'm a backpacker.

But I'm enjoying my retirement. I've made very good friends at the Home for Discarded Body Parts. Regine Velasquez's chin and Gretchen Barretto's lips are my BFFs. — Mosquito Press

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FACE-PALM: President Aquino embarrasses self at APEC Summit

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The creepy Gloria Arroyo meme

Lawyers for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo today released a series of creepy photos, showing the former president wearing a neck brace. They hoped to gain sympathy for Arroyo's bid to leave the country. Instead, the Internet sprung into action and did this:

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FYI

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5 cutest pictures of the world's 7 billionth baby

On Oct. 31, the United Nations named Danica Camacho a symbolic 7 billionth baby. Danica was born at Manila's Fabella Hospital, the world's busiest maternity ward. Here are her cutest pictures.

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What to do when Inday asks for Facebook

BY PEACHY PONCE DE LEON

LIFESTYLE — I recently got the shock of my life when our new maid Inday asked if she could use our PC to log into Facebook.

"Wow, may Facebook ka?" I said.

"Opo, señora," she answered. "Kakamustahin ko po sana yung kapatid ko sa Hong Kong."

I told her I would think about her request. I looked composed, but underneath I was panicking. I mean, imagine a maid with Facebook? A maid? With Facebook? Por Diyos.

Dangers

I pictured Inday chatting with robbers — sending them our floor plans, our pictures, the codes to our security locks. "God," I thought, "I don't want to die in the hands of some squatters!"

I pictured Inday visiting Wikipedia and reading about things like "Occupy Wall Street," "minimum wage," and "humane working conditions." Inday could start a sit-in, and then a strike, and then a revolution! "God," I thought, "I don't want to die in the hands of communists!"

Then, I pictured Inday getting addicted to Farmville. I mean, my maids are already telebabad queens. They hardly work. There is dust on my curtains and I have to ring my bell twice before they come to me. "God," I thought, "How would I entertain?"

I got palpitations.

'Just Say No'

Later that afternoon, I put my foot down. I told Inday she could not use our PC, and most definitely could not have Facebook while in the confines of my home. She cried.

So imagine my horror when Inday went on a day-off days later and sent me a friend request. A friend request! That gaga, of course I ignored it. 

But then, I looked at her profile.

Inday uses her high school graduation photo. Her likes include Nora Aunor, Toni Gonzaga, and Kathryn Bernardo. She's a "Certified Kapamilya." She lists her relationship status as "it's complicated." And, she says she's "interested in men and women."

My goodness. It's really so funny to see maids pretending that they have lives of their own. So when Inday got back from her day off, I let her use my iPad and ordered her to update her profile.

Now the maid's Facebook page reads, "Inday Gumatay, KATULONG at Maam Peachy's upstairs bathroom." Just as it is in real life.

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Imelda Marcos files bill honoring Muammar Gadhafi

Former First Lady and current Ilocos Sur Representative Imelda Marcos has filed a bill at the House of Representatives, seeking to honor the late Libyan leader Muammar Gadhafi.

Gadhafi was killed today in a gun battle between his loyalists and Libyan revolutionaries. 

"Colonel Gadhafi deserves honor because he is Libya's longest-serving leader," Marcos told reporters.

"Under Gadhafi, Libya had 10.6% GDP growth — so much higher than 7.6% under Noynoy Aquino. Their population below the poverty line is only 7.6%. Ours is 32.9%. Why did the rebels murder Gadhafi? They should be thankful for him!" Marcos said.

Reporters asked the former First Lady about human rights abuses committed by Gadhafi's regime, as well as allegations that the colonel stole close to a trillion dollars from his people.

Marcos responded, "Prove it! Gadhafi has never been convicted of those crimes!"

She then wept, touching a photograph of herself with the late dictator. Marcos visited Gadhafi twice as First Lady of the Philippines.

"I will miss Gadhafi's kindness," she said. "He used to fax me… the best fax I ever had. I will see him in the afterlife." — Mosquito Press

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Mideo Cruz shows off his other work

Mideo Cruz and his controversial installation, 'Poletismo'

BY THE STAFF

"I am so much more than the Mideo Cruz that's portrayed in the media," Mideo Cruz tells Mosquito Press.

"I've been called blasphemous, heretical, an offspring of the devil… but I am so much more than that."

The controversial artist, whose exhibit at the Cultural Center of the Philippines was recently shut down, continues to operate from a cramped studio in Quezon City. It is here that his next works are being shaped — works that, Cruz says, will finally let audiences understand him.

At the center of Cruz's studio is a large portrait of a masturbating Cory Aquino.

Cruz poses in front of his piece, entitled 'C*nty Aquino'

"This piece is a metaphor for loneliness. You know, Tita Cory was a widow. And she was President. Both are very lonely positions. One wonders, how often did she finger herself?" says Mideo.

Cruz continues, "This piece is about society, too. It's about sexuality. It's a critique of the Theory of Evolution. Also, if you turn the work upside down, the meaning changes. Upside down, the painting becomes a metaphor for hope amidst a world that is in violent flux, due to the effects of capitalism and neo-colonialism, especially in the wake of 9/11 and the so-called 'War on Terror'."

A seminal artist

In between sips of tea, Cruz turns serious. He says he is "hurt" by attacks on his craftsmanship — specifically, by National Artist for Literature, F. Sionil Jose, who has called him "immature."

He brings us to a corner of his studio and holds up one of his latest projects — a collage depicting a penis ejaculating a bar of gold.

"The collage is a very difficult medium. One has to utilize scissors to cut a photograph, and then apply a precise amount of adhesive, or what is known in common parlance as 'glue.' What's immature about this?" says Cruz.

"By the way, this is an actual picture of my father's penis, and the gold here represents me, Mideo Cruz. It's my expression of humility, because all my talents and skills, I owe to papa's penis juice," Cruz explains.

Respect

Despite the recent controversy, Mideo Cruz remains hopeful. All he wishes is that people respect his artistic expression.

However, when asked if respect begets respect — and if his shocking critique of how Filipinos worship deservingly stoked people's shocked reactions at the way he does art — Cruz becomes defensive.

"Why? Would you prefer I only draw rainbows and smiley faces and pictures of bishops helping the poor?" Mideo asks.

"Because those are really hard to draw," he concludes.

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Christian extremists plot Hilton assassination

Atty. Jo Imbong and members of the Saint Thomas More Society stalk Paris Hilton outside Malacañang Palace

Paris Hilton's arrival in Manila has caused an avalanche of reaction — but few are as violent as the reactions from Atty. Jo Imbong, Executive Director of the Saint Thomas More Society.

At 10 a.m. today, Imbong posted a message on the social networking site Twitter, calling Paris Hilton "the devil", and asking followers to gather near Malacañang Palace, where Hilton was meeting President Noynoy Aquino.

By 11 a.m., the entire membership of the Society had amassed at Mendiola — all ten of them, bearing wooden stakes and crucifixes, and calling for Hilton's head.

"Paris Hilton is a temple of sin!" said Imbong as she addressed the gathering. "Her catchphrase 'That's hot,' sends innocents into the fires of hell!"

The breach

By 12 noon, the Society had breached the gates of Malacañang by threatening Palace guards with excommunication. The guards were discovered hours later, cowering in fear.

Several members of the Society then built a pyre on the front lawn of the Palace, as the rest of the group pledged allegiance to their patron, Saint Thomas More, a 15th Century lawyer known for torturing heretics and burning them at the stake.

At half past 12, Imbong took a megaphone and started chanting at the direction of the Palace: "Domine, serva nos a vaginae Paris Hilton est. Pati nolite hirundo filios nostros. Et placet, dona nobis catulus." ("Lord, protect us from Paris Hilton's vagina. Do not let it swallow our children. And please, give us a puppy.")

Palace reaction

As of press time, a standoff still ensues. With the Saint Thomas More Society staying put, operations inside Malacañang have come to a halt.

President Aquino, fearing the safety of his new acquaintance, refuses to leave Hilton's side and has formally asked her to stay the night.

Hilton responded, "No."  — Mosquito Press

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New lizard species discovered in Manila

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NBI discovers shocking truth about Leviste's escape

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CBCP releases master list of everything they disapprove of

Fr. Melvin Castro of the CBCP presents the list to media

The Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) has released a list of 1,829 acts that it says, "attack the moral fiber of Filipino life."

Included in the list is the "consumption and distribution of chocolatey products." The CBCP explains, "Chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. It encourages promiscuity, which leads to abortions! … Chocolate is cancerous!"

Also mentioned is the "wearing of inappropriate attire, such as bikinis, mini skirts, and any clothing that exposes a woman's head." This is based on the Bible's 1 Corinthians 11:2-16, which states that if a woman fails to keep her head covered, she should be shaved bald.

Fr. Melvin Castro, Executive Director of the CBCP Episcopal Commission on Family and Life, said at a press conference, "The list clarifies the Church's position as savior of the Filipino race."

He said, "As God-appointed leaders, we consider it our duty to tell people how evil they are, and how they can avoid the fires of hell just by doing what we tell them to do."