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Anaïs Nin, Henry and June

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conclavers how are we feeling

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Edelkastanienwald

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Anyway

Spending time with Hot Old Man is far easier than not seeing him for months on end, because when I’m with him he becomes a regular human being and not some avatar of erotic-paternal grace. I think it is 100% confirmed that he and his wife are indeed happily monogamous, so there is no chance of there being anything more than friendship here, and I hope I can make peace with that.

It is still very pleasurable just to talk with him. Something that draws me to this certain rare type of older man is the ability to be sensual and open about sex without it being invasive, predatory, or otherwise discomfiting. (This is of course something I highly admire about Sutherland.) One of the first things he talked about over lunch was this pornographic engraving of male masturbation, and we also discussed a range of erotic eccentricities, and it’s always so comfortable. We talked about texts that confuse the paternal and the erotic and various age gap works, and I talked about my own research in that area.

I also told him very openly about a theme I’ve become interested in recently of how female authors discuss making ‘gods’ of men in their lives, not necessarily in a sexually submissive way, but in a way that transforms the men into a symbol and idol and source of creative inspiration. And we discussed the extent to which male authors do something comparable. One can talk with him with extreme ease. He must, I think, have a sense of my own proclivities from our conversations, and I do flirt with him dreadfully (though not unprofessionally or inappropriately). Perhaps there is some intellectual-erotic thrill for him too. I hope there is, because I would not like to think that he is just indulging me. But it is very comfortable to be around him, and we make each other laugh, and I hope that we can continue this weird friendship. I hope too the intensity of my feelings levels out and this will become a gentle affection and not whatever the fuck worshipful infatuation it currently is.

Random moments from our 2 hour chat:

Him: “I need to get rid of some of my book duplicates. I have five Lolitas.” Me: “Even I don’t have five Lolitas.”

Me: “Some historians speculate that [historical figure] was his daughter, not his lover.” Him: “Well that’s a load of bollocks.”

also finally managed to figure out his actual age and a bit younger than I assumed!! (“How old are you?” “Are you… seriously asking?” “Yes.” “I’m sixty-six.”) Look at me being interested in a man under 70…

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The Reluctant Victor, inspired by The Reluctant Bride by Auguste Toulmouche - I just thought that this painting was SO perfect for Katniss and I had to draw it!

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Normal work friendship w man twice your age where he buys you lunch and you talk nonstop about age gap novels

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cardinal stats dropped

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We got an offer ??? 12% ?????? over asking price????????

The closing date for our flat is today so fingers crossed someone offers us some money in the next 3 hours 🙏

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The closing date for our flat is today so fingers crossed someone offers us some money in the next 3 hours 🙏

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Hiroo Isono

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April Reading

easter break means lots of easter books!! you can follow me on goodreads if you want to read more articulate reviews than my notes below

By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept, Elizabeth Smart ☆☆☆ The Days of Abandonment, Elena Ferrante ☆☆☆☆ The End of the Affair, Graham Greene ☆☆☆ A Girl's Story, Annie Ernaux ☆☆☆☆ The Lover, Marguerite Duras ☆☆☆ Simple Passion, Annie Ernaux ☆☆☆☆☆ An Apprenticeship or The Book of Pleasures, Clarice Lispector ☆☆☆ The Golden Bowl, Henry James ☆☆

The Golden Bowl: Henry this did not need to be 600 pages. My "favourite" part was when one chapter ends "Maggie herself was doubtless by this time ready to tell him." and the next chapter opens "Maggie, however, for the time, said nothing" like cOME ON

The Apprenticeship or the Book of Pleasures: This was my first Lispector and it didn't fully sink its teeth into me, I think I remained unconvinced of the interest of the man to whom she is "apprenticed", but it was nonetheless well-crafted and interesting, and I bought The Passion of G. H. which I know I will like more

Simple Passion: I bought this, went to a cafe, read it in one sitting, then had a 3 hour anxiety attack. This is going to be high up in the best reads of the year for me. No other writer (save perhaps Murdoch) has ever so well captured the devastating self-erasure that infatuation causes

The Lover: it was ok?? idk just a bit underwhelming compared to the others on here. I read it right after Simple Passion and perhaps it suffered by comparison. I didn't find myself sinking into the emotional hollows so much.

A Girl's Story: Obviously a good work, Ernaux is fantastic. I was just resentful that it wasn't more Simple Passion lol

The End of the Affair: I understand our protagonist's odious ignorance is, like, the point, but I wanted to punt him into the sea. The religious theme I found badly handled. Never read Greene before and this was supremely underwhelming.

The Days of Abandonment: Needed to understand what all the Ferrante hype was about. A strong work! Feverish, extremely stressful, reminded me of watching Possession. Wonderfully messy, and I love it when mothers are just bad mothers. Recommend me more books about how motherhood sucks ass, please

By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept: Lots of emotions, not much else. Some beautiful poetry but a lot of not so good poetry. Very unstructured which I struggled with in comparison w something like Simple Passion.

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Elizabeth Smart, By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept

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Katnisssss

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he just looks so torture-able . like it would be a disservice NOT to torture him.. . he WANTS to be tortured

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(bleeding from my wound) notice anythiung differebt about me ;)

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hey ao3 can you like give the extra $38k you made from this month’s funds drive to charity