mrsemilybartrum

[mrsemilybartrum]

Just something I am playing around with... a fictional novel called Drug Babies by me.

Have a taste:

Chapter One.

“So why do you want an abortion?” the nurse asked her as she shifted her weight back and forth in her chair. She knew they would ask her questions, but she didn't expect them to be so blunt or personal.

“Hepatitis C. My liver can't take it, and I am scared it will kill me and leave the baby orphaned and sick with hepatitis. I don’t want to do that to either of us.” She quipped back, quickly.

It wasn't the truth. She didn't want to have another child born addicted to heroin. She had already produced five children born addicted to some type of opiate. She just couldn't bring herself to do it again. The lady didn't press much more after her blunt interrogations were met with such a blunt response.

They took her to the next room in the process; the ultrasound room. A random stranger was about to show her an ultrasound of her sixth unborn child that she was about to kill, to spare it the suffering she didn't spare the other five. She wanted to cry, to scream, to feel anything. Instead she was high again, and she was scared. She had never had an abortion.

It was a girl. She was a girl. Twenty minutes from now, she would be at the bottom of a barrel, cut into a mess of cells and cord blood probably sold off to medical labs across the country. She didn't know what would happen with her 11-week-old daughter once they sucked the child out of her and disposed of her carelessness and cruelty. She didn't want to know.

“ Ma'am, please come this way and get into this hospital gown. Lie on the table once you are settled. We will stick you with the IV and get you ready for the procedure. The doctor will use twilight sedation, so you won't be truly asleep for the process. Are you actively on any drugs or medications that can influence the medication I am about to put into your IV?” She smiled kindly and shook her head no, as she climbed onto the table to prepare for her sacrifice to the shame gods.

The next thing she remembered was telling the nurse that she was a murderer for killing her baby, but it had to be done.

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My husband's 44th birthday was great!

[mrsemilybartrum]

I wrote this for a friend. I hope she knows it's for her...

To tell you the truth

I don’t know where to start

The day I got broken

Someone shattered my heart

I gave you my all

Then had to borrow more

You put me in debt with my spiritual score

You never came through

You never held true

It was only about what I could do for you

I was told as a girl from a young age

That love was a beautiful thing

But all I’ve seen is hate and rage

Forged by these two wedding rings

I gave you my all

Then had to borrow more

You put me in debt with my spiritual score

You never came through,

You never held true

It was only what I could do for you

Never again is what we always say

Until they do it the very next day

Nothing will change, we all knew it, then.

You lied when you said you'd not hit her again…

I gave you my all

Then had to borrow more

You put me in debt with my spiritual score

You never came through,

You never held true

It was only what I could do for you

I refuse to wait for the love of a man

Or the hug from a dad that wasn't there to begin

I’ll pack up one day and leave this place

We all lose the marathon

but I'll win this race!

I gave you my all and you spit it right back

Into my face, always on the attack

I loved you so much that leaving broke

Every bit of me…

I guess that's the cost of loving in the 21st century.

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Matlack Carwash

I miss the nights I was on the run

Life was harder, but it seemed more fun

You had my back, you had my heart

You always put me first, right from the start

Always looking over my shoulder

Thank God I matured now that I’m older

But what would it take to get us back there?

I miss your touch, I miss that stare

One look when I was 17

Was everything I needed to see

One look was all it took

To land me on the hook

My ex introduced us then

He was your childhood best friend

He complained your wife came when you arrived

He was your best friend since aged five

Too bad, so sad it didn’t change a thing

Because now I’m the one with the wedding rings

The truth is I knew from that day

The way it felt when you looked my way

Nothing felt better, except for you that night

When you said I love you when I squeezed you tight

Your hand on the small of my back

You felt the sweat drip down my crack

I miss those stares I miss that Passat

The silver one with the windows steamed up hot

Right after, we almost got caught

God how I miss those times… a lot

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Michigan Again by Emily Bartrum

I don't know how long it'll be

Until I see you my friend

A couple weeks, or a month

The chaos seems to never end

All I know is when I go, I'll make it count I swear

So please don't look at me with those eyes

Don't ask me to pretend to care.

It's a shame, almost a sin

To be gone for this long

It's not the same when I'm not there

So I wrote it in a song

You're my comfort zone

My home away from home

But I'll miss you until then

Don't you know? I'm all alone

And I miss Michigan again

Will this be the last time I see this place?

Will I be here one more time?

Life is insane, it's never the same

And I'm not sure that I'm fine

Give me one more good time

In the name of vanity.

But let's not lie, we know the real reason why

It goes back to sanity

I know it's a shame. I know it's a sin

To be gone for this long

I'm not the same when you're not here

So I wrote you this love song

You're my comfort zone

My home away from home

I'll miss this place, I miss your face

Don't you know I'm losing it?

Thec only thing I know

Is I never feel at home

And I miss Michigan

Again

[mrsemilybartrum]

TIME TO LOSE By Emily Bartrum

The kitchen table is piled up, and your homework is due

I have to make breakfast, and pack your lunch, too

I promise you buddy, I’m not being mean

I’d rather play Uno with you, too, but the house needs cleaned

Now the house is clean, there’s no time to lose

For paying the bills, doing laundry, and chores I must not refuse

No dear, I can’t play uno, let alone dos

I have to pay bills and wash dishes and clothes

Didn’t I just tell you so?

Mommy said she loves you, and she has things to do

She wants you to grow up in a clean home with heat and food

Yes, I know you want to play with me but give me grace

It’s just a few minutes here and there

You got time to spare, let’s see how fast Mommy can race

Wait, what happened? You’re now helping out too?

I can’t believe you’re so grown, look at how much you can do.

Do you need my help- NO? Not just a little for one or two?

And now that I have time to catch up on my work

I may even get time to buy a new shirt

I got finished early, would you like to play Trivial Pursuit?

No? You can’t? Your assignments are due?

Where did the time go when your assignment was pasting with glue?

But wait a minute, who are you? Where did the time go?

My how you grew!

How is it that you’re now in high school? You were just two!

Now you have something to do

Now you have work to get through

Now you have things needing to get done

Now you don’t have time for fun

Now that I have time for you…

You have no time to lose.

You must get to the things you must do.

Don't ever lose sight of there's no time to lose.

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The last time I saw you alive

Your sister was being laid to rest

Younger than all of us

Her pale hands laid upon her chest

She left behind a daughter

She left behind you

She left us all behind

Then you went and left us, too.

You had the desire

But not the will to live

You were supposed to rise from that fire

But leveled you is what it did.

Now you're out of misery

Now you are out of pain

You faced The Holy Maker

The Lamb that was Slain

Left behind you are two kids

A girl and a boy

I tried to show you another way to live

But you treated life like a toy

You swore you would get better

You swore you'd fight so hard

But I guess you had enough

Sometimes living is much too hard

Go in peace now, as it's over

Your battles all are done

You're no longer in any pain

I pray you are sitting with the Son

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THE BASTARDS OF BREECH INLET

PROLUGE

She couldn't believe her eyes. She knew there was a chance this kind of thing could happen, but she never accepted it fully. Not truly, After all, why would she ever expect him to come back there after what all happened?

Yet, there he was. With his wife, of course. Sitting at that very table. She wanted to hurl. He purposely picked that table, she thought. He sat there, and he smiled that teeth-flashing smile. His wife smiled back, and they leaned into a kiss over a flamed candle. Of course he was married. They always are, regardless of the clues you look for or the questions you ask. Men lie. And they cheat.

Emmie wasn't taking this lightly. She would wait on him, and her. She would walk out there with pride on her, as she was a good woman who didn't deserve the mess life had given her. She took a deep breath, looked in the mirror, and smoothed out her apron.

“Welcome to Cheadle's! My name is Emmie, and I will be your server today! All the seafood on the menu is fresh-caught daily by local fishermen. All our ingredients are locally sourced, actually. Can I start you off with any drinks or appetizers?” Emmie spouted off, as if reading from a script.

Emmie had worked her whole life for Cheadle. She knew how to mask every emotion and thought she held inside like a well seasoned actress. Sadly, the man at the table with his wife could not. Before he realized what he was doing, he was standing up and gawking at the waitress.

“You’re heavily pregnant!” the man said.

“Colin, why do you care?” his wife – no, fiancee – squealed.

“Because! Look at her! She's got to be at least nine months pregnant and working on her feet all day! That isn't right, is all.” Colin quipped back as cooly as he could muster. The shock of seeing Emmie pregnant was one thing. Doing the math in his head while she just stared at him to realize that he was the sire who sired her bastard, well… Emmie just hoped she didn't have to punch someone already that early on in the week.

“Sir. Ma'am, while I appreciate you both here must not see this kind of thing often, women here in the south are known to work every single day of her pregnancy without batting an eyelash. It's just our way of life down here, and I would appreciate no fuss or foibles.” Emmie cleared the air, making sure to treat both people like pure strangers. Emmie learned this from her momma, Patty. Patty worked for Mr. Cheadle for years until she retired. It was weird to many how Patty retired, being a waitress and all, but Emmie never thought anything of it.

In the south, some bastards were lucky to be given a spot in the family business or something. Others would be bought outright and sworn to secrecy. Some, still yet, would take the bastard in and have the wife raise it as her own. This was just the way of the world. Emmie's own ancestors would harbor light-skinned or mulato children as their own to raise. Then, they'd take a yearly famiy trip up to a free state with all their slaves and children. Only for all their slaves and children to become runaways when it came time to leave.

Emmie loved hearing Patty tell those stories. Every year they'd have to buy a whole house-staff full of new slaves. Once, Patty would tell Emmie, they almost got caught by the local sheriff and his deputy. Before she could finish the story in her thoughts, the people in front of her were getting loud, and she had no idea for what reason.

But then, it happened. He used her real name. He called her Emily.

“Sir, you misread my name tag. My name is Emmie, not Emily. I am well aware how pregnant I am. I was daydreaming while you two bickered, is all. Now how can I help you two? Or will the child in my belly make it impossible for you to dine here?” Emmie let go of all her rage with every syllable. She could blame the hormones. When she saw his wife's face, she knew. His wife was totally clueless to his cause for concern over some pregnant waitress.

[mrsemilybartrum]

Tests, tests, tests! Today begins my treatment journey! Let's kick this thing in the butt! Thank God for all my loved ones here in my life for me right now!

Learn to love who wants to be present. Let go of those who don't. Your life will be even easier once you do. I couldn't be happier. My life couldn't be any happier. Everyone who wants to be here... is, and that is beautiful!

[mrsemilybartrum]

Toledo by Emily Bartrum

I miss you, Toledo

How long has it been?

It feels like a lifetime

Since we've been where we've been

I think about it often

I think about that room

I think about that one time

I tried my first full moon

You whispered to me softly

I gave into your kiss

I let you tell me you love me

While I ground into your hips

The rain fell soft and easy

I slowly closed my eyes

I felt the thunder from the ground

Rising up inside

Then came the laughter

Then came the relief

Then came all the love I had

Then my hope and my belief

I whispered to you sofly

"I know I love you too"

And then came the rush of fear

For that forever I.O.U.

Now I don't miss Toledo

I carry it with me

You are the Sunrise in my night sky

Toledo's where we'll be.

[mrsemilybartrum]

The Things I Didn't Say

I'm sorry...

For the things I didn't say

For all the words that got away

For the love songs I never played

Outside your bedroom window

So here I am...

Seeing you for the first time in a long time.

I want to know...

My love, do you see me?

Do you see me?

Like I see you...

There you are, standing there

Looking too good to be real.

Here I am, laying it bare

Take my hand if you're not too scared to feel

But just don't steal my heart again

Because that was never yours to steal

So here I am...

Seeing myself for the first time in a long time.

I'm sorry...

For the things I didn't say

For all the words that got away

For the love songs I didn't play

Outside your bedroom window...

Being without you made me hate forever.

But we'll make it farther together

and that's better than anything else

I could ever want or do.

I'm not complete if you're not with me...

and that makes me resent you.

But I forgive you...

Do you forgive me?

So here I am...

Seeing myself for the first time in a long time.

I'm sorry...

For the things I didn't say

For all the words that got away

For the love songs I didn't play

Outside your bedroom window

So here I am...

Seeing you for the first time in a long time.

I want to know...

My love, do you see me?

Do you see me?

As I see you...

Written by Emily Bartrum

[mrsemilybartrum]

I can feel the rain drops in between by toes as the grass tickles.

You are standing there, leaning down to kiss me one last time before sneaking back.

We do this often, you and I.

We meet in secret, in the night.

We give one another the things we cannot give ourselves.

We cry on the inside, but sit in silence on the out.

You are stronger than me, but that’s a lie.

I think about how we made love in the room your sister killed herself.

You wanted to do it out of spite to your father, I think.

But then you were never capable of spite when you only understood self.

Now, you are a distant memory. You are the rain drops in between my toes.

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A Big House With All The Things I Lost Along the Way

By Emily Bartrum

One day, I will have a big house with all the things I lost along the way.

There will be a ton of mismatched socks.

I imagine a pencil and pen or two.

An entire room dedicated to my potential.

A closet with clothes I loved and many I hated.

I can see the Golden Horseshoe pin that got sold for pill money.

Oh, look there. I never thought I would see that ring again!

And faces, all the faces! My word, the faces!

All the loved ones I lost will be inside this big house, too.

My flute from eighth grade that got sold for extra grocery money.

My dignity and decency.

My virginity. Lost it long ago. Never thought to see it ever again, either.

All these things, I lost and never thought to see again.

But wait. What about all the bad stuff that was good to lose?

Will my big house with all the things I lost along the way have a room in which I must never go?

Will the monsters who held me down for so long be waiting to pounce once I turn the doorknob?

What about the bad habits that were sent to kill me?

If I killed them first, do they die or do they go to the big house of things?

I never want to see the pain I lost ever again.

What about those lost things?

Thinking long and thinking hard I wondered and wondered hard and long.

And then it hit me.

Those things were never lost to begin with. Those things have always been beneath me.

They never left me because I overcame them all.

What we overcome, we do not lose.

We stand upon it, and it becomes the foundation.

One day, I will have a big house with all the things I lost along the way. And its foundation will be made with all the things I overcame.

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Tears Cried

By Emily Bartrum

They could fill up every ocean

And probably every single sea

If I could collect every tear

That was ever shed from me

I’ve cried at times that were sad

I’ve cried at times that were grand

I’ve cried from laughing way too hard

I’ve even cried once from smashing my hand

That one time when I got let down

Or when I got my feelings hurt

I’ll never forget that one time when

I cried from a stain on my shirt

I’ve cried from bullies and abusers

I’ve cried for dear friends and saints

I’ve cried over lots of milk spilled

And I’ve cried from receiving too many complaints

One thing I’ve been blessed to say

One thing that I know is true

I’ve felt a love that runs so deep

That crying is all I can do.

This love is a special love

It supersedes pain, grief, and loss

This love is a forgiving love

That came directly from the Cross.

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Happiness is…

By Emily Bartrum

Happiness is waking up to stinky breath because it means you aren’t alone.

Happiness isn’t waking up to your own stink.

Happiness is knowing you are admired and love for how you treat others.

Happiness isn’t using fear to demand love and admiration.

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I can’t love you tonight

I don’t even love me

But I know I can teach you the best way

To be Free

I don’t care about your feelings

I don’t care about your face

All I ever really wanted was a little

Savings Grace