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[msmovingforward]

Cute Twins and Haunted Inns: RHONY S13 E9

We open with Leah Facetiming all the women, inviting them on a trip to Salem, MA, somewhere she had always dreamt of going, but being that she had lived in New York City pre COVID, and she could go LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE her entire life, she had never made the trek before. Everyone is game, and Luann tells a joke about witch vaginas being able to grip brooms.

Ramona and Bershan have lunch together, with Ramona wearing her ridiculous clear mask, which doesn’t touch her face. They discuss the previous episode’s dinner in Harlem, which they both agree was “preachy and teachy.” I’m inclined to agree because that’s how it felt as the viewer of a show that is literally broadcast to gay men and liberal white women across the globe. Can somebody please explain to Bravo what the meaning of guilty pleasure is? I wanted to see women (sometimes literally, shout out to Aviva Drescher) tearing each other limb from limb and hurling insults and pinot grigio at each other. If I wanted to learn about the Harlem Renaissance, I would watch PBS. (For the record, I have educated myself on the Harlem Renaissance, and I am open to learning more about Black history. I just don’t want to watch drunk women who are not open to the experience have to sit through it during my gay UFC fights. I said it. Sorry!)

Eboni and Sonja head to Philadelphia on a Sprinter van. During the first five minutes of the trip the two pals drink Starbucks coffees in holiday cups (I’m confused about the timeline here. Isn’t it close to Halloween when they visit Salem? Sus...), champagne, and kombucha. We get a flashback of Sonja talking to Ramona and Luann in a previous episode about how the other women need to be more receptive to Eboni’s educating them on the Black LIves Matter Movement because this is a huge platform/opportunity for her to raise her voice. The two women agree that Ramona is extremely uncomfortable talking about race. Eboni confesses that the Salem trip is going to be a “do more” and not a “do over.” For the LOVE OF GOD IF I DON’T SEE THESE WOMEN LITERALLY BURNING THEMSELVES AT THE STAKE, AND RATHER YET ANOTHER LECTURE ON THE HISTORY OF RACE IN THIS COUNTRY, I WILL ACTUALLY JUST START WATCHING PBS DOCUMENTARIES AT 9 ON TUESDAY NIGHTS JUST TO SEND A MESSAGE TO BRAVO. ENOUGH! Sonja’s Adderall kicks in, and she and Eboni begin loudly chanting “No shit in Salem!” Why are they going to Philadelphia to meet a matchmaker for Sonja?

The two meet Eboni’s matchmaker friend, and Sonja confesses that she trusts that Eboni has done a great job of describing Sonja for her. Eboni states that she sees a lot of the root of Sonja’s problem being that she “allows the other women to walk all over her and speak for her.” I think it might be pill addiction and alcoholism, but you know what they say in 12 step meetings! Rush into the first relationship you can find, so here we go! The matchmaker asks a few questions about Sonja, and Sonja allows Eboni to answer most of the questions for her, as she orders herself little neck clams and coffee. Sonja states that she’s passionate about helping what the matchmaker refers to as “the vulnerables” (gag): the LGBT community and artists. She states that she’s definitely a “Frenchophile”. Does she mean she loves Frenchie from Grease? Because I think the word she’s searching for is Francophile, but I digress. She says money is not important to her, and Eboni says that’s not true. She says she doesn’t care how old her potential husband is, which is also untrue, unless the advice she was giving Tinsley during her tenure was complete bull shit. The entire trip it turns out was pointless, though, because the matchmaker apparently already had someone in mind.

We have scenes of the women packing for Salem, and I learn that putting a chapeau on a bed is horrible luck via Luann yelling at her assistant.

Next we see the women all rendezvous on a tour bus Leah booked for the four hour drive to Salem. We learn that Bershan had cancer, which turned her into a real go-getter, and we learn that the producers do not like Bershan because they just let one of her boobs fly waaaay to the west in her interview look. Leah reveals that the dinner she has planned is in a tattoo parlor if anyone is interested in getting inked. Leah is the only RHONY with any ink, as we get a flashback to the women having conniptions last season when they realize Leah has forever tarnished her body with the devil’s pen.

The women arrive at the Hawthorne Hotel, which looks honestly pretty standard and really pretty basic and underdecorated. The scariest thing about this place is the General Manager’s fake Boston accent. The women do a weird witchy prayer. Ramona smells an opportunity to use her fame for something free, and gets the Manager to agree to give her free room service. Luann lights up some sage, and the women all get ready for the leather and lace tattoo dinner party/attempt to reveal that Ramona is a Trump supporter. In the lobby Ramona yells that she’s “tweaking. Bershaun is TWEAKING!” No, Ramona, Sonja WAS tweaking, but it’s a quarter past Adderall time for her now, and she’s settling into what appears to be Xanax o’clock.

The women arrive at the dinner, and Sonja is immediately infatuated with the two twins that greet them, whom the producers label “semi spooky twins.” Luann is impressed by the size of the fortune teller’s hands. The coven of wives sits down, as the chardonnay interacts with Sonja’s Valium, and she just starts saying whatever comes to her brain, for instance the seeds that Eboni planted in the Sprinter the previous day about Ramona being extremely unreceptive to racial conversations. When Ramona tries to dodge the conversation entirely yet again, Eboni says that there’s no way Ramona is going to back down from this conversation because Ramona is “too strong.” Then Eboni just casually drops the words white supremacy, like she didn’t know what she was doing, and the Bravo boom sound effect comes out. Luann then points out that Sonja seems to be playing both sides, and we’re shown a flashback of the same conversation at Ramona’s house from earlier, in which Sonja is saying that she agrees Eboni wasn’t reading the room very well in Harlem. Leah admits that the Harlem night could have been handled much better, but defends Eboni, saying that she’s not allowing herself to get shit on the way she was when she first joined the cast. Leah calls Ramona a moron and says that Ramona is what’s wrong with the world. Ramona tries to run away. Everyone accuses her of being a coward, so she stays momentarily. Bershan calls Eboni’s delivery at the Harlem dinner preachy. Ramona says she just doesn’t get it. Eboni has a great life. What’s the problem? Why bring up the race thing? She says Eboni doesn’t suffer, and Eboni asks if Ramona is aligned with white supremacy. Leah calls Eboni out because her mother voted for Trump, and Eboni has said positive things about Trump in the past when she was on Fox News. Ramona sneaks away and comes back suspiciously eager to play a game. Were people doing coke in the bathroom, Ramona? As soon as Ramona comes back, Luann slinks away as well. What a crazy night! It’s a to be continued, and it seems like we might finally get some actual content this season finally!

[msmovingforward]

Pride Versus Envy: RHONJ S11 E8

We open with shots of the women getting ready at both Melissa and Dolores’s Shore houses. Marge Sr. texts Margaret, informing her that she just got a laser treatment on her face, and she sends along a picture of her looking like Freddy Krueger. Joe Gorga slaps Melissa on her ass, as Melissa asks if Joe thinks dinner will be peaceful that night.

Back at Dolores’s house, Jen says that if Margaret starts with her, she’ll start with Margaret. Honestly, what is it with women named Jen on Bravo? I don’t like them. Jen Shah is going out in a blaze of fire on RHOSLC, and I would love to see something similar happen with Jennifer Aydin because she’s boring and annoying to me. There. I said it! OK? Sorry!

Back at the Gorgas’, the men are pregaming dinner in order to numb the trauma that is inevitably about to befall them when their wives start fighting. Melissa asks Margaret if she’s ready for a peaceful dinner.

In a confessional, Margaret says that if Jen starts with her, she will finish it. I love to see it.

The two parties arrive in separate vans at La Mondina restaurant and sit at separate tables. Men at one, women at the other. I just noticed that the vans have plastic wrap separating the passengers from the drivers, and I can’t help but wonder if this has always been the case to keep the drivers from crashing due to the imminent danger of stilettoes, hoop earrings, and pinot grigio cracking the windshield or if this is a coronavirus precaution. 

Everyone at the women’s table orders a pear crusher martini, while the men considerately place their entire order at once. Because you know, it’s the HEIGHT of COVID when they’re filming, and this restaurant has probably just re-opened for the first time in two months, and most normal people are still horrified of the virus. These women are just scared of their botulinum toxin migrating. The men cheers with tequila shots to a “no bull shit guys night!”

Teresa wonders aloud how the celebration for Nonno will go, saying that he always wanted her and her brother to get along. We’re shown a flashback of Joe Gorga screaming at Teresa the previous night and slamming his engorged fists on the table. Apparently, there was no fracture, by the way. If Nonno is sober enough in whatever afterlife God saw fit to place him to witness that fiasco, I’m sure he’s beaming with pride.

Over dinner, Joe Gorga again brings up the prank phone call Teresa made in Lake George, informing him that Melissa had been cheating on him with a server. Joe claims that the joke must have some sort of “life.” In confessional, Teresa wonders why Joe keeps bringing it up, wondering if something really is going on in their marriage.

The food comes out and several people had ordered octopus, so everyone jokes about “octopussy” for what seems like an eternity. Remember Octomom from 2009? She had an octopussy! Melissa starts giving Teresa dating advice, saying to remember what it’s like to have a man around, passive aggressively saying loudly enough so Joe can hear that he sucks because he thinks she’s too independent. Yes, Teresa, the secret to a happy relationship is to take advice from the passive aggressive woman who’s currently miscommunicating with her husband right before your eyes! And the thing she’s telling you is that she’s basically unhappy and feels like a kept woman. Sound advice, sooouuund advice. Dolores tells Teresa to pay attention to red flags. Like living and spending all your time with your ex husband and not your current boyfriend, Dolores? I’d be surprised if Teresa knows what the term red flag means. Jen gives the advice not to let a man curse at her, and we get my favorite sonic boom sound effect because this is not actually dating advice at all, but in fact shade towards Margaret because she yelled at Joe Benigno the previous night. 

Marge says, “So do you think Joe should leave me because I yelled at him last night?” We are shown a flashback to Margaret screaming, “Did you ever hear it from anybody in town? Tell me right now!” Honestly, it wasn’t really that bad. Jen’s a bitch. Get her and her sixteen bathrooms out of this franchise. Please!

Jen responds to Margaret, saying, “Yeah that is a red flag. I don't talk derogatory to my husband. I was shocked.” Teresa is probably getting excited at this point that they’re going to see the running of the bulls because her brain can’t handle the idea of a symbolic red flag. Also, it’s a red flag what you told us last week about how you sat, scantily clad in a Turkish cafe while your mother told you to shut your mouth because men don’t like women who talk too much, Jen. It’s a red flag that you slut shamed Margaret after she shared that she’d been coerced into sleeping with her boss when she was 20 years old. READ A FUCKIN’ BOOK, JEN. IT’S 2021.

Over at the men’s table, Joe B explains that he and Margaret fight, but it’s always over in ten minutes. Joe G responds, “Yeah. You wear the G-string. She wears the pants.” OK, Gorga, enough! Where do you buy your underwear? The roided out kids’ section? They must have that in New Jersey right? It’s in every strip mall next to the breakfast place that sells pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwiches.

Jen tells Marge that she is “no stranger to meannness...” (followed by another BOOM!), “to say that my husband is my meal ticket.” Can it be mean if it’s true though, Jen? Like tell me, what exactly are your SKILLS? In what labor market would you be able to support yourself? 

Marge retorts that Jen’s only “aspiration is to live the way off your husband.” Jen responds that her only focus is her family, and Jackie says in confessional that sometimes having a career was easier for her than raising children. Marge says it was wrong of Jen to bring up what she told the women in confidence on camera about how she has slept with her bosses in the past. Jen claims that Marge never said it was a me too thing and that Marge made it seem like she was intentionally sexing it up for her bosses as a young woman. Marge accuses Jen of victim blaming, and says that Jen has a perception problem. Melissa chimes in, pointing out that using this against Margaret now is a huge violation of girl code. Jen questions if it’s such a big deal why Marge is going to put it in a book for the world to read. Marge advises Jen to read the book, or better yet listen to the audio, because Jen is an idiot and lazy and probably can’t read.

In the vans on the way home, Melissa and Joe Gorga get in the following stupid fight:

Joe G: Melissa, you gonna wait for your husband? Mel: NO! Joe: Holy shit. You don't wait for me? Mel: Why am I waitin' for you? You're right here, bro. Chill!

JOE slams van door. There is another boom sound effect.

Mel: What are you mad about? Joe G: I'm not mad about nothin'. Mel: Did I do something wrong? Joe: No. Mel: Tell me if I did. Joe: I would just like my wife to wait for me. I mean you just walk away like you don't even have a husband. Mel: Wait. Wait. Joe: Cause when my wife takes off-- Mel: I'm sorry I took off. I'm the host. That's like crazy. Joe: Alright from now on you just go by yourself while I just walk in the back.

Joe clearly doesn’t like all this independence Melissa has now with Envy. (Seriously, does this store really make any money though? Not for nothing, Joe, but I think your crooked house flipping business is still a more solid source of income). Melissa says Joe is spoiled and that she’s sick of kissing his ass. Joe says to be careful what Melissa says or she’ll never see him again. (What a great little narcissist he is!) The two separate ways, as they arrive back at the Gorgas’ Shore house.

Teresa has a very boring conversation with Audriana on the phone during the van ride back to Dolores’s.

Joe Benigno tries to therapize Joe Gorga Jersey-style, along with Evan back at the Gorgas’. I have to say Joe Benigno seems like such a genuinely great guy, and I’m so happy for him and Margaret. He may not be able to pull together a funhouse-themed living room for his wife over four seasons, but damn if he’s not patient, kind, and empathetic. Joe Gorga shares that the change in their marriage bothers him.

Meanwhile upstairs, Jackie and Margaret check on Melissa, who asks what she’s doing wrong. They both assure her that if she were doing something wrong, they would tell her. If there’s one thing you can always count on a Housewife for, it’s to point out others’ flaws. Margaret explains that “[Joe Gorga] is very sensitive. He took you walking in front of him to another level.”

Back downstairs, Joe G’s narcissism is showing again. He tells Joe B, “ You know I wanna be loved. Is that a problem? OK If it is a problem, Whatever!” UGH YES JOE YOUR ONLY FLAW IS YOU WANT TO BE LOVED. IT WASN’T TOTALLY CRAZY THE SHIT YOU JUST PULLED IN THE VAN AT ALL!

This is juxtaposed with Melissa saying to Marge and Jackie, “ He's a very old school mentality. Like, when we started our marriage, I was 24 years old. I did whatever Joe told me to do. He was someone who was jealous. He was someone who was saying, 'Don't move. Stand right here,' and I thought that that was amazing.” We are then given a confessional of Melissa saying, “ Growing up, there was cheating rumors out there about my dad. I watched my mother cry plenty of tears, so the fact that Joe was all about family and wanted to be together all the time was like oh my god. You're everything I've been looking for.” This is truly sad and hits home for me because I can definitely relate to being trapped in a narcissistic relationship that I thought was right at one time, and eventually I saw the light. My heart breaks for Melissa, but it blossoms for her storyline. Thank God! Finally! Melissa continues to tell Marge and Jackie that Joe makes her feel guilty for having a business.

Joe G continues his psychoanalysis with Joe B, saying that his father shaped him to be the man he is. NOW we’re getting somewhere. Nonno could barely mold Play-do, let alone a human child, but honestly, that’s not Melissa’s problem. He says that now that Melissa is famous and successful she’s forgotten who she is, and he dismisses Joe B and Evan. Again, we need to take Jen’s advice from earlier, ironically. PAY ATTENTION TO THESE RED FLAGS, MELISSA! Don’t raise more Joe and Teresa Giudices!

Jackie tells Melissa that Joe G got used to Melissa being his “little bitch,” and now Melissa is not old school anymore. I’m beginning to like Jackie. Joe walks in to talk to Melissa, and Jackie and Margaret excuse themselves, as Melissa starts yelling. Joe says it’s over (but he’s a narcissist, so it’s not), and Melissa sticks to her guns, saying she’s the best version of herself that he’s going to get.

The next morning Joe B and Evan do some manly stretching outside, and Melissa confesses that she hasn’t spoken to Joe since the previous night. She also tells us that it’s very therapeutic for her to ride a giant yellow bicycle at the Jersey Shore. She leaves, and cameras do not follow. Ugh it’s always two steps forward and one step back for this one. Bill weirdly tells Frank that Bill wants Frank’s physique, so he orders a scooped out bagel for breakfast over at Dolores’s. Frank flexes his roided out biceps. Ick. Back at the Gorgas’, Joe G gives a terrible blanket apology, saying that he’s sorry if he ruined anybody’s night last night. OK, but how about your marriage? How about you knew you were being an asshole, Joey? Melissa finally backs down, and she takes everything on herself once again, essentially saying it would be her fault if Joe G ruins the memorial that night because Melissa forced the issue. Melissa confesses that she doesn’t feel good about leaving things unresolved, but the weekend is about Nonno.

Back at Dolores’s everyone is putting on white for Nonno’s memorial party, which I thought was odd because generally black is the funeral color, but this is far from the oddest choice I’ve ever seen made on a reality show set in New Jersey. Teresa is serving Beyonce’s Lemonade realness in a lemon-print dress. She says dimly, “Maybe someone will wanna suck my lemons?” There’s a ding sound effect.

Everyone gets on boats and rides to a restaurant for a luncheon. Joe G says he and Melissa had sex. Ugh. Sex fixes everything, doesn’t it?

At the restaurant Marge orders unsweetened iced tea and not iced coffee. Joe Benigno is wearing a pineapple print shirt. C’mon, Teresa, lemons are sooo 2016! Pineapples are all the rage now! Teresa says that her lemons are a shoutout to the Capri region of Italy, and I’m reminded fondly of Dorit Kemsley’s Capri room at Bucca Di Beppo. Melissa tells Teresa about her and Joe’s fight. Teresa says that Melissa needs to give Joe a lot of attention. She confesses that Melissa needs to be more grateful because it’s hard to find a man who actually loves you. Yikes this family is fucked up! Teresa’s honest opinion is that it’s a big bonus if your husband actually loves you.

Melissa begins noticing a lot of phone calls coming from a woman named “Realtor Giselle” on Joe G’s phone. It turns out to be a hilarious prank that Joe Gorga is playing to get back at his wife for having Teresa call and say Melissa was cheating on him in Lake George. What fuckin’ timing. At least frickin’ love bomb Melissa, you engorged, blood-sucking tick! Melissa says that if Joe ever cheated on her she would, “Throw [him] in the fuckin’ bay and leave [him] there.” 

Joe Gorga confesses that he’s glad Melissa is jealous enough to call Giselle back. I think I’m gonna hurl. GET HELP, JOE. YOU NEED HELP!

Nonno’s party looks beautiful, minus a half-finished collage of photos on a half-assed step and repeat. Someone brings Joe Gorga some spray paint art of Nonno smoking a cigar with his shirt open. Gross, but accurate. Johnnie Walker either sponsored this party or Nonno’s whole life. Along with another canvas painting of Nonno, BIll Aydin gives Joe G a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

Dolores says her uterus hurts, as Frankie arrives, looking like a melting Ken Doll. 

Two swans swim by in the bay, and everyone claims they’re Nonno and Nonna.

Margaret is impressed with the charcuterie board.

Teresa gives a tearful speech, saying that her father was very affectionate, and that’s where she and Joe G get it from. No he wasn’t. He was a weird slurry drunk. No you two are not affectionate... Moving on!

Gia reads a speech from her phone, calling Nonno the “glue” that held the family together. If by glue she meant the kind you sniff, then yes. Everyone throws white flowers into the bay. We’re shown a confessional of Teresa crying about how close they were juxtaposed by a flashback of Teresa asking Nonno how much he’s had to drink during season 8′s Easter episode. Joe says that Nonno always told Joe to take care of Teresa, and everyone does a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue.

I spoke ill of the deceased in this post. I just don’t buy what they’re selling about Nonno for one damn second. Joe and Teresa are great TV and terrible people. Terrible siblings usually tend to be raised by terrible parents. These opinions are mine, and I’m entitled to them.

[msmovingforward]

A Heartfelt Pology: RHONJ S11 E7

We open, as per usual, with scenes from the previous week. The only thing I really noticed was how shocked Marge looked when Teresa told her about Evan in episode 1, which leads me to believe that she truly hadn’t heard the rumor before, and Joe Benigno truly did “mess up his words,” (as he always does).

The episode proper picks up exactly where we left off last week. Teresa storms back into Dolores and Frank’s Shore house, and we’re shown a flashback of Teresa telling Jackie to shove the dildo up her ass. Melissa exclaims that this is bull shit because she wasn’t even born into this dysfunctional family, then for the first of many times this episode, she follows Teresa into the house to see if Melissa can at least be useful for keeping the other Housewives on camera. Has anyone else noticed this? Melissa is not letting ANYONE get away with storming away on the job. If she can’t have her own storyline, I can at least appreciate that she’s the glue holding these women responsible for tearing each other apart.

Obviously, Teresa doesn’t want to talk to Melissa, so Joe Gorga ventures to the bathroom Teresa locked herself into, where Teresa tells him to fuck himself and insists that he kick Jackie out of his and Melissa’s Shore house, or else he’s the WORST BROTHER EVER! In a confessional, Joe once again brings up that Teresa never defended him when Joe Giudice was putting out articles trashing Joe Gorga’s name.

Jackie is completely confused at this point, and decides that she should probably find someone else to yell at. She settles on Joe Benigno and Marge, saying Joe is an asshole for bringing the rumors up at boys night. Margaret has a mini freak out, saying that she defended Jackie to the “fucking core.”

Jackie responds, “Why is everyone yelling at me?! What the fuck did I do?!” Well, let’s see, you said on camera that Teresa’s daughter is doing coke in the bathroom at parties (OK it was an analogy, but I googled it when she said it anyway, and guess what?! She’s a pretty young woman attending one of the nation’s largest party schools. I did coke in bathrooms a couple two, three times in college. So what?!), and you calculatedly asked Teresa if she had confidence in jail, when you know Teresa is basically a wombat with a learning disability stuffed with C4 next to a blow torch. You know what you did, Jackie, just like I think you might have known that you need a boating license to operate a boat! Jackie continues to play dumb poorly as Marge storms off.

Back inside, Melissa continues trying to get her hands in this fight by telling Margaret that Jackie is broken, and Margaret and Melissa need to help her by continuing to gaslight her.

Meanwhile, we cut to a flashback of Frank in confessional saying that, while they did talk about the Evan rumor at boys night, they don’t believe it, “And if we don’t believe it, who the fuck cares?” I hope everyone still remembers the golden rule that what happens at boys night stays at boys night from here on out. Just because there’s cameras there filming a reality television show that will be broadcast to millions of gays and women, doesn’t mean boys night isn’t sacred.

Jackie at this point is clearly extremely intoxicated, screaming that she’s everyone’s punching bag and that she needs to know that all her friends aren’t talking about her behind her back. Finally Dolores, Marge, and Joe Benigno are able to explain to her that the conversation got back to her wrong because Jen was being a shit stirrer, and Teresa is a moron. Jackie and Margaret hug, and Margaret says in confessional that the only one to blame for the whole mess is Teresa.

Teresa comes out from the bathroom and confronts Joe Gorga on the back deck, saying he doesn’t stick up for his sister. Melissa inserts herself yet again, saying Teresa needs to tell Jackie the whole fight between the two of them is over and accuses Teresa of being a sick bitch because Teresa never defended Melissa and Joe Gorga against Joe Giudice when he was trashing their names and treating Teresa like dirt. Melissa runs toward the table and picks up a giant bowl of cheese cubes and slams it down, spilling pepper jack everywhere! The main thing I was confused about was this method of serving cheese on a hot, humid night and in the middle of the actual dinner, nonetheless! Cheese is an amuse-bouche! Melissa immediately apologizes and starts sweeping the cheese off the floor. Now it’s Joe Gorga’s turn to have a freak out. His color switches from that of a large kiwi to a red apple, and he slams his T-Rex arms down on the table, saying that his wife is “100% right. 1,000%!” He says if it weren’t for Joe Giudice, his mother would not be in a grave right now. Melissa is now trying to calm Joe down, saying that it wouldn’t have happened if Jen could just hold her tongue. Somewhere in there, and for any number of reasons, Teresa screams that Melissa is a fucking bitch. At this point, Dolores comes outside, saying that this fight needs to stop here because that’s what Nonno would have wanted. I love how this whole thing is essentially about something that Joe Benigno actually DID say, and no one fights over the fact that Teresa just called Melissa a fucking bitch.

In a confessional, Joe Gorga explains yet again how Joe Giudice “killed” his parents and took time away from his sister. (Personally, I felt safer when I knew Teresa was behind bars, and I live hundreds of miles away, in Massachusetts, but I digress). We’re shown more flashbacks of calls from jail, etc.

Frank points out that Joe Gorga is allowing Joe Giudice to do this to him again. Joe Gorga, Melissa, and Teresa hug it out, and Melissa tells Teresa that Teresa knows Melissa loves her, but I can see the contempt in Melissa’s eyes as she goes in for the embrace. Joe Gorga tells Teresa she needs to squash the situation with Jackie, and Teresa says that she just doesn’t function that way. Teresa barely functions at all, if we’re going to really analyze that...

Melissa, Joe Gorga, Joe Benigno, Margaret, and Jackie leave Dolores’s Shore house. In the kitchen, Teresa says she’s still upset about Jackie’s jail comment, saying that Jackie “throws daggers.” Meanwhile, in the van, Joe Gorga reassures Jackie that the whole things is over because he spoke to Teresa.

When Melissa, Joe Gorga, Joe Benigno, Margaret, and Jackie arrive back at Melissa’s house, Jackie calls Evan and just generally throws more shade at Teresa while she narcissistically asserts herself as the complete victim in the situation, having done ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve this. Joe Gorga ices his wrist after his run in with the patio furniture at Dolores’s, and Joe Benigno says that he hopes Joe Gorga didn’t fracture his wrist. It’s Target patio furniture for god’s sake! It would probably break if you tried to crack an egg on it! Evan insists on coming to the Shore the following day, even though Jackie begs him not to, but the two agree they will leave if things get heated between them and Teresa.

Back in Dolores’s kitchen, Teresa insists that Jackie doesn’t have a heart. Dolores implores Teresa to apologize to Jackie, but Teresa insists that she already has. Dolores says that Jackie thinks Teresa is a bad person, and Teresa needs to prove Jackie wrong.

Melissa and Joe Gorga are in bed, and they both agree that they need to shut it down if things get out of hand the next day at their gathering. In the other room, Margaret tells Joe Benigno that Teresa only brought up the rumor at dinner to hurt Jackie. Back in the Gorgas’ bed, Joe tells Melissa that he can’t go back to the way things were with the old family drama. Melissa expresses optimism that Evan will come over, and they will squash everything.

The next morning Teresa and Dolores are getting ready together in the bathroom, and Dolores says that she heard a lot of vibrating coming from Teresa’s room the previous night. Teresa reveals that she was having trouble sleeping.

At the Gorgas’, Melissa is slicing what appears to be Spam, and preparing eggs for Joe to make their guests omelets. Everyone remember now, “NO SALT ON THE MARGE’S FOOD!” (Just Spam, which is like 800% sodium!) We’re shown a flashback of the night before of Joe Gorga calling Teresa and begging her to just apologize to Jackie, and we’re shown a flashback within a flashback of Teresa insisting that she will never apologize. Joe seems confident that Teresa will do the the right thing, though.

Teresa talks to her daughter Gabriella on the phone. She’s getting a pedicure. SNORE!

Teresa tells Dolores and Jen that Teresa is going to propose she and Jackie start fresh. Dolores says in a confessional that she understands Teresa’s outbursts because look at Teresa’s marriage to Joe Giudice. We’re shown the clip of Joe Giudice calling Teresa a cunt once again. Bill arrives at Dolores’s house, and they all fill him in on the previous night’s events. Dolores makes a bunch of excuses for Teresa’s behavior, including that she’s stressed out from the divorce and selling her home. Bill tells Jen that she has a great ass, and I’m left to wonder if he’s actually admiring his wife, or the surgical work he’s done on her body.

Back at Melissa’s, Jen gives Bill a massage with her new vibrator on his shoulders and back and tells Bill about how Teresa told Jackie to stick the vibrator up her ass the night before. Bill reinforces the fact that what happens at boys night is supposed to stay at boys night in a confessional. IF WE REALLY EXAMINE THIS, BILL IS THE ONE WHO TOLD JEN THAT JOE BENIGNO SAID HE HAD HEARD THE RUMORS AT BOYS NIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Is Bill really the criminal mastermind here?

Dolores, Teresa, Jen, and Frank Catania arrive at the Gorgas’ pool and the dramatic music commences.

Teresa gives the following apology (or as Teresa would say, pology) to Jackie:

“Listen, Jackie, I don't. I didn't like the way things went down yesterday, and ya know... I.. I'm not tryin' to hurt you in any way. You or your family. Um, so just. Ya know. Can we just drop everything?”

Somehow this non-pology appeases Jackie, and sweet keyboard music is played, but the music soon turns to dramatic cello, as we see the reactions on everyone else’s faces. Jackie says that they can start over as long as Teresa also gives Evan a non-pology face-to-face. Teresa begrudgingly agrees, but questions Jackie’s home training. Teresa is of the opinion that the wife should always be the one to smooth things like this over.

Melissa gives everyone a tour of her Shore house, which is literally so cold-looking, so white, and so empty. She talks about what the Shore has always meant to her and Joe’s relationship, and how proud she is to have this second home now. I know I’m not saying anything ground breaking here, but I don’t believe for a second that Joe and Melissa own this home. This is absolutely another case of a rental property for television. Why would they need a seven bedroom house in Toms River?! If I sign up for grow with Gorga, can I have a house like this too?!

Evan arrives and very politely hugs Teresa. Teresa gives yet another half-assed apology. “ I'm sorry about like... like everything that ya know. Like everything that went down, and I would never wanna do anything to hurt you guys in any way.“ 

In confessional, Marge says it was one of the weakest apologies she’s ever heard, but coming from Teresa, it’s a “frickin’ miracle.”

Joe Gorga congratulates Teresa for apologizing, and says they will never go back to how things used to be between her family and his.

Jackie shows Evan to their room. Evan says that he’d already moved on from the situation with Teresa without a pology, and he reveals that he’s already made three bowl movements that morning. Jackie says she is jealous of Evan’s colon health.

The crew all take wave runners and boats out in the ocean, and Jen reveals that it reminds her of being pimped out by her mother when she was younger in Turkey, sitting in cafes, waiting for potential husbands, being told to shut up and smile because a good husband would never want to marry a woman who speaks.

Jackie and Teresa are suddenly getting along famously on the boat, and Jackie confesses that Teresa’s Jekyll and Hyde tendencies baffle her.

Takeout arrives, and over lunch Teresa talks about how her vibrator helps her sleep because “It releases dorphins or somethin’.” Jen stirs the pot, saying that she had never seen Margaret as mad at Joe Benigno as she was the night prior. Marge defends herself, saying it was unnecessary for Jen to bring the rumors up in the first place at dinner. Jen reminds Marge that Teresa was actually the one who brought it up, but Marge continues to place the blame on Jen, saying Jen was the one who told Teresa to begin with. Jen again claims that Margaret is shooting the messenger. (I love when the Housewives learn a new colloquialism, and they use it incessantly for like four straight episodes). Margaret says that Jen was starting shit purposely to hurt someone. Jackie chimes in, saying that Jen did keep the fight going.

Joe Gorga says in a confessional that he just CAN’T BELIEVE this drama is coming up again! This is so not the way classy ladies like his wife and his wife’s friends usually act. There simply must be a gas leak or something in their rental homes! 

The men take their cue to exit, pursued by a bear, as the following argument between the Marge and Jen begins:

Marge: You're shit starting.

Jen: I am not shit starting!

Marge: I have the right to my opinion.

Jen: As do I. As do I.

The men sit by the bar and discuss how unbelievable all this drama is. Women are stupid, bro. Good thing they got boobs. Amiright?! 

Jen: I mean. I just thought the way you treated your husband last night. That was embarrassing.

There’s a sonic boom sound effect.

Marge: THE WAY I TREATED MY HUSBAND LAST NI--

Jen: You talked so down to him.

We’re shown a flashback of Marge yelling at Joe B the night before.

Marge: Let me fuckin' tell you somethin'! I am gonna tell you something. Don't ever get in between myself and my husband. The way you behave in front of your husband. You embarrass your entire family.

We’re then shown a flashback to Jackie drunkenly faceplanting onto Teresa’s patio, as someone tries to hold her up by her bikini strings, looking like Pinocchio just left the methadone clinic.

Marge: I think you are a sloppy drunk. That's the way you wanna behave, and you think that's upstanding behavior.

Jen: You told us sloppy moments that you've had. You slept with your boss...

Another sonic boom. Dolores gasps.

Marge: Such a douchebag. I'm sloppy. I slept with my boss as a young girl.

Marge (Confessional): Sleeping with my boss was not a sloppy moment. It was an older man in a position of power taking advantage of me, a young girl.

Marge: Do you see what kind of person you are? You take something when I revealed an intimate moment.

Marge and Jen then argue about the fine line between sloppy and vulnerable, while back at the men’s table, Joe Gorga says he can hear Margaret yelling, and Joe Benigno says admiringly, “Yeah, she’s got good lungs.”

Marge: You know why I never fight with your husband? Because he's your fuckin' meal ticket for your whole fuckin' family. You know what? I can't stomach her. Pathetic!

Marge storms back indoors, and Melissa follows, again trying to milk this moment for every possible second of camera time.

Back at the bar, the men astutely observe that meals bring out the worst in their wives, as we’re shown flashbacks to several disastrous dinner and lunchtime fights. Evan says he doesn’t understand why the women don’t just eat protein bars instead of meals and move on.

Inside the house Marge tells Melissa that Jen is a concubine, while outside, Jen tells Dolores that she doesn’t like Marge’s opinion. Dolores asks Jen if she’s ever going to learn her lesson about saying things out lout that she’s unsure whether or not they’re true. Melissa says that just because she threw a bowl of cheese the night before, doesn’t mean they can’t start fresh and be classy today.

In a confessional, Jen says, “I am a social Drinker. I'm not an alcoholic. Ok? Don't project what you went through with your mother on me.” These are fighting words. I have a feeling Jen is in for it from the Marge, who’s “bringing her A-game all day” now. I can’t wait for this bloodbath. It shall be a tragedy bloodier than Macbeth, or at least the Macbeth collection, available at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Teresa, Jen, and Dolores return to Dolores’s house, and Joe starts doing pullups, which thank god because for a second I had forgotten that Joe Gorga is in fact a male with a penis and bro code and muscles and protein shakes, bro.

I have to admit, these Jersey episodes flow like butter this season. I was a little concerned when the episode started out so hot that it had blown its load too quickly, and we were just going to see boring family barbecues and healthy friendships blossoming, but I now fully cannot stand Jen, and I’m excited for the Marge’s retaliation next episode. Melissa says that she hopes dinner will be peaceful, but I certainly don’t, and as Evan pointed out, we’ve all seen what happens when these women get around a table with food on it.

[msmovingforward]

A Long, Hard Olive Branch: RHONJ S 11 E 6

“I don’t know what I did. What? What’s an analogy? Joe?! Sex toys! It’s a gift. You’ll see.” God! How I love what a dumbass Teresa Giudice is. “I can’t tell you who told me the rumor. That would be wrong! I can only tell you I know it’s a rumor. I have no evidence to back it up, and I’m going to get drunk at your husband’s birthday party and tell everyone except you! Wha? Wha’d I do wrong, Joe?!”

We open with the typical Housewives’ daily mundane tasks check-ins; Jackie is throwing away her son’s shoes. Joe G is being super manly and throwing his son a football and shaming his daughter for being a whore while congratulating his son for being a pimp and objectifying Melissa. Melissa’s daughter says her brother sucks at football. (I don’t know these kids names, and you know what? I don’t really give a shit. There! I said it. Classic Marge!)

Jennifer is sadly mopping her very white, very empty foyer, as if she cleans her home herself, as she tells us that after her terrible fall, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Jennifer back together again, or keep her from vomiting in Bill’s Ferrari and then in the foyer. “I really had never been drunk like that before,” she claims, “I really don’t know my limit.” That’s normal for a middle aged woman, right? She’s just never been to a party with alcohol before! There’s no other problem to explore that might have lead to her self-medicating with 17 shots of tequila!

Dolores and Frank are preparing a totally normal lunch in anticipation of their daughter Gabbie’s return from Tufts University in Boston, where she’s studying to be a veterinarian. Frank makes the totally normal comment to his ex wife, with whom he lives, that if this were the good old days, he’d bend her over the counter and have his way with her right there, but now, ya know! Everything is different, and there’s absolutely no sexual chemistry between the two. Now he just has to worry about walking in on Frankie bending someone over. HEYO! Frank and Frankie just partake in totally normal roided-out father-son bonding: swapping manly stories about their sexual conquests. This doesn’t sound like the opening to some sort of weird homoerotica whatsoever. No, this household is just a little wacky, but totally normal. Look! Here comes Gabbie right now with fifteen dogs! Dolores explains to us that she’s so proud of Gabbie because after COVID, she left the Carribbean, where she was studying veterinary medicine and went to Boston to finish her studies. Gabbie says she feels out of her league at Tufts. I’m just interested in knowing what vet school Gabbie was attending in the Carribbean. So many unanswered questions. This family is fuckin’ weird, man. Oh, and Gabbie is back to see Dolores receive the award she bought herself from the breast cancer society.

Over at Teresa’s renovated Medieval Manor Restaurant turned home, the family is cooking up some pork chops. Nonno would be so proud of Teresa; he’d probably get really drunk and fall asleep because of what a special occasion it is when a woman is in the kitchen, but he’s dead now, and it’s such a profound loss to us the viewers. (Am I being completely heartless here? I’m sorry, the dude was CREEPY! And to use Kyle Richards’s words, “sick and an alcholic!”). Joe Giudice Facetimes, and it is revealed that even though they are divorced now, and Joe has been deported to Italy, Teresa and Joe are still in business together, selling sex toys, and “There’s nothing wrong with sex toys, and they’re paying the bills.” In the midst of all this we’re shown how proud Nonno would be of his daughter’s money-laundering, as we get flashbacks to people at his COVID-restricted funeral releasing a dove, and clips of Nonno groaning and drunkenly drooling. Teresa is happy that Nonno is in hell... or I mean Heaven... with her mother now, and the cast trip to the Jersey Shore just won’t be the same without his passing out in a beach chair, turning beet-red from the combination of drinking too much Carlo Rossi and not applying sunblock.

Over at David’s house, Dolores is getting ready for the reception she has to throw herself because she can’t have a large function at a wedding venue to celebrate the award she bought herself from the breast cancer society because pesky COVID ruined her LIFE! The house has quite literally a million flowers everywhere, and even for Jersey, I have to say it’s pretty breathtaking. We’re shown a flashback of someone from the charity coming to Dolores’s and Frank’s home to present the award, and Frankie being like, “Mom, here’s your award. I’m so prouds of yous or whatevers. Can I go eat a whole cow now, Ma? I love you. Shut up!” The women arrive, and they have the bartender Dolores insists on paying pour them already-prepared sangria from a large flagon. David says he’s not going to be able to stay because he has to ride his motorcycle somewhere. Jackie expresses her regret that Teresa is not there because she has a “soccer tournament,” and Jackie wishes she could have had the opportunity to clear the air before their trip to the Shore. Melissa attempts to get some screen time by stirring the pot about the fact that Dolores still doesn’t have a ring from David, but Dolores is either too smart or too dumb to care, and she basically wins the fight because Melissa needs to find her own damn storyline! Margaret brings up the fact that Jennifer face planted at Teresa’s pool party, and that she’s just concerned because Jen’s a mother of five. Dolores gives a tour of David’s house, which has an extremely sad-looking closet for a Housewives show and a weird secret door inside of David’s office, which is apparently where Dolores’s ex husband Frank slept when he was recovering from surgery, but again, DOLORES IS TOTALLY HAPPY. NONE OF THIS SHOULD BE OF ANY CONCERN TO ANYONE! Melissa reveals that Jackie and Margaret will be staying with her and Joe at the Shore, and Jackie claims that she will no longer give life to the feud with Teresa by fighting back.

We get a montage of the women packing for the Jersey Shore before settling at Jen’s house, where she is discussing the trip with Bill. Bill reveals to Jen that at poker night, Joe Benigno (Margaret’s husband, not the radio personality) said that he had heard the rumors about Evan’s cheating too, and we get a flashback to poker night supporting this development. Jen Housewife-splains to us in a confessional that that means Margaret must have heard the rumors before Evan’s party too, and Jackie is not going to be happy when she finds out about that!

Jackie and Marge rendezvous at Marge’s psychedelic gingerbread house, and they head to the shore with Joe B at the wheel. Dolores, Jen, and Teresa leave in a separate car, with Frank driving and an Off 5th bag next to a god-awful Dior wicker basket beach bag thing in the middle seat. In Joe’s car, Jackie explains that Evan is coming a day or so late; Jackie just wants to make sure it’s not going to be a complete shit show of Teresa meaninglessly tearing her apart for no reason when all she’s ever done is be nice to Teresa. We are shown a flashback to last season of Jackie telling Teresa that Joe Giudice wouldn’t have gone to jail if she could just control her husband like a normal healthy Jersey marriage, which is based on control and jealousy. (Like Melissa and Joe’s marriage, eh?) In Frank’s car, Jen reveals the news that she heard Joe Benigno had heard the Evan cheating rumors before Teresa brought them up on camera. Frank claims he finds that hard to believe, and in a confessional reveals that he was lying to the women because of bro code... this man is well into his 50′s. Toxic masculinity is very real, folks. Teresa says to Frank, “You were there, Frank Catania!” Teresa tells Dolores and Jen that she doesn’t want a repeat of Lake George, where all they did was talk about Jackie, and cryptically says she has a gift for Jackie when they all get together for dinner later.

Melissa and Joe arrive at their home, furnished by Rent-A-Center. Joe pesters Melissa for a quickie before the guests arrive, and Melissa says no. Meanwhile, Teresa, Jen, Dolores, and Frank arrive at Dolores’s shore house, and Teresa explains that she and Dolores used to go clubbing on the Shore back when Dolores was pregnant with Frankie. Marge and Jackie arrive at Melissa’s Shore house, and Joe carries a large suitcase that he could easily fit into up the stairs for Jackie while wearing Jackie’s pink cowboy hat and sets it down on a bed in a room with absolutely nothing in it except the bed; no art on the walls, nothing! The women all comment on how cute this bedroom is and how wacky it is that Joe would put on a pink hat because he’s such a manly manly manly man. #BroCodeBro.

Dolores, Teresa, and Jen start preparing dinner together. Teresa gets a call from her realtor, saying that someone wants to see her home, which leads to more flashbacks and Teresa ugly crying black mascara tears. She tells the realtor just to have Gia set everything up. Teresa says she wishes she had a sister who could understand what she’s going through, and I can’t wait for Andy to ask about that comment at the reunion... Dolores says in a confessional that Teresa is such a graceful and strong woman who handled her legal battle with such dignity. Yes! Teresa Giudice is exactly the type of role model young women need. Teresa says that Jackie better not start with her tonight because they’re on “her turf.” Dolores says in an aside to Jen that she thinks tonight is going to be “a fuckin’ bloodbath.” Jen calls her family in Turkey while Frank smokes a cigar inside the house. Both of these things are annoying to me, but hey we have to fill a whole hour somehow I guess.

Jackie, Marge, Melissa, and Joe Gorga get ready to leave for Dolores’s house, and Joe asks if anyone wants a roady, to which Melissa responds that Joe needs to stop acting like a 12-year-old. What? Were you NOT drinking and driving at 12 years old?! When they arrive at Dolores’s, Marge admires Frank’s boat, and Jackie, who claims to be a lawyer, says she didn’t know you needed a license to operate a boat. Teresa comes downstairs with her gift bags, which everyone opens, and it is revealed that they’re the vibrators Teresa and Joe Guidice are now selling together. It all seems like harmless fun until Teresa says, “It’s kinda big, Jackie. I don't know if it's gonna fit up your ass, but maybe you should try it!”

Everyone is obviously kind of shocked at this comment and yells, “Teresa!” in unison.

Teresa says, “You said to [Melissa], 'Take the olive branch, and stick it up her ass.' I gave YOU something to stick up your ass!”

In her confessional, Jackie wonders if Teresa is capable of feeling remorse, as the argument regarding Jackie saying that a group text inviting her to a pool party does not an olive branch make continues. Some highlights are Marge saying, “It wasn’t an olive branch,” to which Teresa responds, “I don’t give a fuck, Margaret!” and one of my favorite Housewives tropes, Jackie and Teresa deciding that they just shouldn’t be friends after screaming at each other for about forty minutes and still deciding that they should eat dinner together and hang out together all the time. The battle ends, but the war is far from over, when Dolores realizes that she’s overcooking her pasta. Teresa heads inside with Dolores to help with dinner, where Dolores asks if Teresa has gotten her anger out of her system, to which Teresa responds that she feels much better now. As the group sets the table together, Melissa and Margaret keep re-hashing what just happened, while Jackie keeps insisting she’s fine and doesn’t want to talk about it.

Melissa, Joe G, Joe Benigno, Margaret, Jackie, Jen, Teresa, Dolores, and Frank finally sit down for some wet macaroni in a pot a la Cardi B, and Marge asks Teresa about her divoirce being finalized. Teresa insists that her brother apologize for accusing Joe Giudice of being a bad person, as we’re shown the infamous clip of Mr. Giudice drunkenly calling Teresa a c-word at a winery. Joe responds that Teresa should have ripped her ex-husband’s heart out instead of going back into business with him. It’s a really interesting situation when everyone involved is a bad person, but no one seems to be wrong. This is why I love Housewives! They deserve each other. Melissa tries to steal some screen time yet again, by accusing Teresa of ruining their nice dinner, and in what I think is the most subtly funny moment of the episode, Teresa just swings her big dick and goes, “Shut up, Melissa.” It’s just so perfectly dry and badass, Teresa’s delivery. Bravo, bravo, fucking bravo! Joe insists that he’s “done,” and Melissa is mollified long enough to actually shut up. Thank God!

After bringing up Teresa’s divorce was apparently not enough to sustain the scene, Marge brings up Teresa’s gifting Jackie a vibrator and telling her to shove it up her ass again, saying that the rest of the group can’t handle this sort of erratic behavior. Speaking of non sequitors, Teresa immediately brings up the rumor that Joe Benigno had heard the rumors about Jackie’s husband, Evan, sleeping around at his gym before Teresa ever brought up the rumor at Evan’s birthday party. The conversation is as follows:

Teresa: Did you hear what your husband said at boys night? Marge: What'd he say at boys night? Teresa: Joe, why don't you tell everybody what you said at boys night? Marge: What did he say at boys night? Teresa: That he heard the rumor about Evan too. Marge: Is that what you said? Joe B: No! Teresa: I heard you heard it from in town. Marge: Did you say you heard it in town?! (DOLORES smiles evilly) Jackie: Margaret, look at me. I don’t wan-- Marge: I wanna know if he said he heard it in town. Jen: He did say it. He said it. Marge: Were you there?! Jen: No. Bill told me. Marge: Then shut the fuck up! Jen: First of all, don't tell me to shut up! Relax! Oh my god! Relax. I didn’t say anything. Marge: I wanna talk to my husband. Shut up! Jen: You shut up! Marge: Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Please don't interrupt. Joe: I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear anything. Frank (testimonial): I'm not gonna throw my boy under the bus, and I'm definitely not gonna do anything to make this dinner go any further south than it's already gone. Joe G: It's a over. It's nothing. Marge: Did you ever hear it in town? From anybody in town at [town name redacted] Tell me right now! Joe B: No. Marge: Thank you. Teresa: But I heard you said you heard it in town. Marge: He didn't hear it in town. Teresa: He did bring it up! Marge: Why are you pushing it, Teresa. Why are you pushing it? Marge (testimonial): Shut up. What are you trying to make my husband look bad for? Teresa: I mean. He said it. Marge: No. Teresa, Joe mixes his words all the time! Marge (testimonial): I know he didn't hear the rumor. There was no way he could hear the rumor because I didn't hear the rumor. You know where he heard the rumor from? Blabber mouth across the table, Teresa Giudice! Jackie: I'm not doing this. OK? I'm not giving life to this stupid shit. Teresa: Ooooh! Now you're not giving life to-- Marge: Why are you so aggressive towards Jackie? I don't understand. Why are you trying to hurt her? Teresa: I'm the one that told her. Jackie: You do treat me like an asshole. Teresa: Ya know, Jackie. That's fuckin’ wrong. Jackie: I think you treat everybody like shit. Teresa (To Dolores): Um do I ever treat you like shit? Dolores: No. Teresa (To Jen): Do I ever treat you like shit? Jen: No. Teresa (To Marge): Do I ever treat you like shit? Marge: You did have my hair pulled.

We are shown a flashback of MELISSA telling MARGARET that Teresa did, in fact, have someone else pull MARGARET’s hair.

Teresa: Aright  if you think that. That's fine. Melissa: You called me a stripper. 

Another flashback of TERESA questioning MELISSA about a rumor she had heard that MELISSA used to “dance for someone.”

Then Jen accuses everyone of shooting the “menger” because she told Teresa that Joe heard it in the first place. The conversation continues:

Melissa: You did get mad at [Jen] and [Joe], but not [Teresa]. ... When Teresa’s acting like an asshole, I tell her she's acting like an asshole. It's bull shit [Jackie]'s about to start fuckin crying again. It's her marriage! Jackie: Wait a second! I am not gonna start crying! Cant we just drop it and be cordial? Teresa: You're fucking calculated. Jackie: I want nothing to do with you Teresa: That's fine. I love that. I'm a confident person. You're so not. I like to hang out with confident people. Jackie: Did you have confidence in jail? Teresa: In jail? Jackie: Yeah. That’s what I fuckin’ thought. Teresa: She's a nasty bitch. She's disgusting. I don't even wanna be in her presence. I don't wanna be in a piece of shit's company. Go fuck yourself. (to Melissa) You want that stupid bitch to be at your house?! Go fuck yourself. 

TERESA flips MELISSA off.

And scene.

It’s a to be continued, and I can’t wait to dive into this week’s episode. Teresa has said before that for her, her trigger word, much like Soggy Flicker, is jail. And if there’s one thing I love more than an unhinged Teresa Giudice, it’s a triggered, unhinged Teresa Giudice. So much for Jackie not giving life to the situation anymore. She might as well have given the situation a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart with that jail comment. You know something? I think that Jackie is calculated! And I think she might be TRYING to give life to the situation. She needs to step up her damn game though. I want her out next season if she doesn’t force Evan to film after that fiasco. I also have to give honorable mentions to Melissa and Margaret for trying to convince Jackie that she’s way more upset than she acutally is. Great gaslighting, gals.

[msmovingforward]

Re-Engaging: SLC Reunion Pt I

Part one of the the first season reunion! We get the typical footage of the women’s jitters before the reunion begins. Whitney and her glam team saying they’re going to really feature her new boob job in the look for the evening. Jen and Heather saying they’re excited. I would be excited too! I mean, I’m a shady bitch... I would love to get paid to sit around and talk smack to people’s faces. 

The set is actually pretty shah-mazing. Imagine a very gay food court set up for Santa, but socially distanced. Andy Cohen says, “This is the Super Bowl, guys!” Accurate. These reunions really are like the gay Super Bowl, complete with fumbles, MVP’s, and emotional tackles. Those are the four football terms I know. OK... Roll footage. I love that!

Andy opens by saying he gives the season two thumbs up, and congratulates the women. “Hey, Lisa! Does God care now that you own at tequila company?”

“Yeah. He’s blessing me by selling more.” All the women look very rested, and their makeup for the most part in my opinion is pretty understated. Lisa has a somewhat modest outfit. Her tan is looking very nice. Very white teeth. A curled look for her hair. It’s sort of fancy free, and I love that for her.

Heather is wearing a light pink dress with a bejeweled motif that is somehow both tight, but also does almost nothing to show off her curves. It’s very Mormon, but make it fashion.

Whitney is giving me beachy vibes with her blonde bob this evening with a plunging-neckline maroon sequined number and a pair of really EXPENSIVE white gold hoops.

Mary looks like Beyonce’s wax figurine at Madame Toussaud’s, with a rose gold sparkling dress and eyeshadow to match.

Meredith looks like Jessica Rabbit got dressed in the dark and is now ushering a Cirque Du Soleil knockoff show at the Nomad Hotel Casino, but what do I know? This is probably just too fashion forward for me to understand.

Jen stopped at the Spirit Halloween inside the closed Linens-n-Things next to Heather’s new Beauty Lab+Laser and bought a knock-off Jasmine from Aladdin costume.

Some highlights from the customary 20-minute greetings are Heather being DM’d by Rihanna and being told Rihanna thinks Heather is “everything,” and Jen promising to be “Zen Jen,” unless somebody “makes [her] turn up.” So basically no one has learned anything. We’re off to a great start for this reunion. I’m glad everyone is on the same page for what makes a good viewing experience. These reunions are like group therapy if no one were willing to change, and everyone lied and yelled the whole time. I’m NOT disengaging for this one.

Round one! (This is a boxing reference. I’m basically a jock now). Whitney’s journey this season is shown, and Andy brings up the whole swinger situation. Whitney denies being a swinger herself, but says she knows a lot of Mormons who do it, and it’s very Mormon 2.0. I give this one to Whitney because Lisa is riled up, and it was like very nuanced shade, especially for Whitney. Whitney zing!

Next Andy asks how Meredith feels about Jen’s reaction to Brooks’s sweat suit line at Park City Fashion Week, asking “Are you appalled that Jen would be picking on a child?”

Meredith replies, “One hundred percent I was ... He saved his own money to launch his brand ... He should be commended, not criticized.” So Brooks (who by the way is well over 21 at this point, but at the time of filming was definitely NOT a child) should always be commended no matter what, even though he couldn’t even be industrious enough to rip off two Givenchy track suits? Also how was Brooks saving his own money? What does he do for work to earn this money? He couldn’t even call the coordinator of the fashion show himself to say he was going to be late!

We also learn that Meredith was not upset that Jen made Meredith’s birthday party all about her, but she was upset that it was thrown on Lisa’s actual birthday. We are shown unseen footage of a thousand-plus dollar wedding cake for Meredith being wheeled out and a comparatively tiny birthday cake for Lisa being brought out behind it. Unseen footage of Lisa singing happy birthday to herself is also shown. So that makes two women who were confused as to whose birthday party it was and singing anyway: Lisa and the drunk woman whose name I won’t mention because she attempted to overtake the Capitol. Conversely, Lisa reveals that she wasn’t upset about the birthday party itself, the thing that she found to be upset about was how Heather gave her a quick once over because Heather had heard that LIsa was calling Heather a “good-time girl.” Don’t worry though, because Lisa explains what actually happened, saying, “ I said she was a good time! My friend told me an antecdote ... Heather was so much fun. She would press her boobs up against things.” Heather denies all allegations of ignoring Lisa, and Lisa yells, “Roll footage!” Heather tells her that’s not a thing, as the footage of Heather blatantly ignoring Lisa is shown. Lisa calls Heather a pathological liar.

I will say, In this situation originally, I was on Heather’s side, but it does seem like Lisa really didn’t know Heather prior to filming. If we remember even more though, it was Jen who told Heather that Lisa had said this about Heather in the first place.

Andy asks Whitney what he thought of Lisa’s comments regarding her love of the stripper pole. Whitney says she is more angry at the overall vibe Lisa gives that she’s better than Whitney. I definitely can see where this is coming from; Lisa and Meredith do seem to have an elitist attitude toward the other women, however, Lisa hypocritically claims that she doesn’t have a problem with Whitney’s dancing in general, just how she handled herself at Sharrieff’s put-put golf birthday party, “twerking” in front of another woman’s husband. Footage is shown of Lisa trying and failing to one-up Whitney’s splits on the dancefloor. The editors throw in a helpful arrow to let us know where in the crowd Sharrieff is standing (far closer to LIsa). Whitney says Lisa called Whitney trash multiple times, to which Lisa replies that she only called Whitney trash once, AND SHE CAN’ EXPLAIN THAT! I’m glad we’re only sticking to the facts here. Objectively, Whitney, you are trash, but I’ve only called you that once. Love that.

After commercial, we are shown Jen’s season highlights (This really is similar to SportsCenter, isn’t it?) It’s mostly footage of Jen yelling, throwing things, crying, more yelling, and crying more. We find out that Heather’s father passed away in April, though. Mary shares that her father also died this past year, but she has this weird dreamy chipmunk look in her eye when she says it. Also, I love how these women aren’t even going to pretend for the cameras they know even the most basic things the others are dealing with when the cameras aren’t rolling. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR “FRIEND’S” FATHER DIED?! Heather says that there’s more than enough drama to talk about during this reunion without talking about her dad’s passing. Exactly! The really important stuff, like how Mary can fit into a loofah dress that most people can’t.

Andy asks Jen what it is exactly all her assistants do. We learn that Jen actually has a real job in the marketing field. While I doubt that she actually came up with the technology she uses, I was impressed with the amount of industry jargon she threw out. She says she does “direct response marketing.” I worked in advertising for five months, and I was basically an assistant. I can confirm that telling people they were pretty all the time was about 90% of my job as well.

Jen goes into the story of her father’s passing and Sharrieff missing the funeral. We learn that Jen nearly kicked him out for missing it, and it’s a very big point of contention for the two of them. This is where I start to feel sorry for Jen. While I can’t justify much of her behavior this season, it does seem like she’s dealing with both the loss of her father and realizing that her 20-year marriage is not as solid as it could be.

Speaking of Jen’s behavior, someone from Hawaii asks if Jen thinks it’s appropriate to act the way she did all season at 50 years old. At this, time stands still, and the women are ALL flabbergasted. How DARE?! Jen is only 48! So distracted by being confused for someone two WHOLE TWO YEARS older, Jen needs to regroup before saying, “Shit happens.” and that she’s just “temperamental,” which, according to Oxford Dictionary means “liable to unreasonable changes of mood”. Jen just admitted her behavior is unreasonable. ROLL THAT FOOTAGE! Mary jumps in and talks about how she has been a scapegoat for Jen all season, which didn’t really make sense because Mary seems like a genuinely terrible, racist scam artist. Don’t kick her off the show, though. It’s very entertaining!

Andy brings up vagina-gate. This was very revealing to me. (See what I did there?) Meredith says she’s upset with Jen for purposely “rattling” her kids. Jen claims that she loves Meredith’s kids, and she would never do anything to harm them. Jen says that the whole story was taken out of context, and Brooks had caught Meredith smoking, which is the real reason Brooks was so upset. Meredith reveals that she does occasionally smoke a cigarette (but so what? Meredith is cool, and smoking is very elegant), and she says that Jen recorded Meredith smoking without her knowledge or permission. Jen denies this allegation (but looks like she’s lying to me). The real confusion is cleared up, though, and we learn that Brooks in fact did see Jen’s vagina, and he had to go to Best Buy at that point. Meredith also reveals that she had not invited Jen to sleep over that night, but Jen passed out in Meredith’s bed and had to borrow one of Brooks’s track suits in order to have something to wear home the next morning. Jen denies this as well, and doubles down, saying that Meredith was actually the one who passed out. This is like the time my mom caught me drinking when I was 16, and she said, “:You’re drunk!” and I said, “No I’m not. You’re drunk!” Jesus, Jen!

Meredith accuses Jen of attacking Brooks on social media, calling him white privileged. (Um, that’s not an attack, Meredith. That’s just the truth. I’m white privileged, and I can’t even open a credit card right now). Jen denies this too, and the following tweet is shown: “ @therealitybitch R U SERIOUS?????? I never went spread eagle... it's COMPLETELY INSANE to me that NOT ONLY did you all SEE I DIDNT but bcuz a white privelaged family tells you I did, you somehow think I Sis something wrong. (Girl with face palm emoji).” Arguably my favorite part of this episode is the dramatic music playing as the misspelled words “white privelaged” are highlighted on screen.

Next we’re shown Lisa’s highlight real, where she mostly says, “I love that,” and talks about how much she loves herself and what a go-getter she is. Andy asks Whitney which couple out of the group she would swing with, and Whitney answers Meredith. Not Seth. Just Meredith. Really, Whitney? You don’t want to get down with Mary and her grandfather? At this point, Jen’s superiority complex is brought up by essentially all the women except Meredith. I understand LIsa’s response; she doesn’t feel like she owes anyone an explanation for how she acts like a boss bitch, and I truly believe her. I guess I have a soft spot for Lisa? I am team Lisa on this one for sure, though. I don’t understand why Heather and Whitney feel the need to change Lisa’s attitude. Meredith jumps in and says that Lisa says the same things to her in the same tone, and Meredith doesn’t take it personally, which is why she and Lisa have been able to remain close friends for ten years. This rings true to me.

What gets tricky to me, though, is then Heather and Lisa start fighting. Lisa plays a victim, claiming all the bad press she got for coming off as elitist was in direct response to how Heather portrayed her on the show. I feel like Lisa is trying to walk a line of owning her bossiness, but still wanting to throw Heather under the bus for people hating her for being a boss. I truly don’t understand where Lisa is coming from on this one, and it’s not a good look.

Mary then brings up that she NEVER talks down to people or makes them feel less than, and Lisa tells her that she most certainly does do that to all the members of her church. Dramatic music plays, as Mary blinks and twitches Bewitched-style, and says that Lisa better not bring up Mary’s church, or Mary will bring up Vida Tequila.

in the midst of all of this nonsense, Whitney tries to have an epic moment in which she reveals she has TEXTS from Lisa regarding the bartenders she had claimed made a mess of her party at the beginning of the season, but when Andy goes to read them, he says, “This is a bad Xerox, babe.” (”Jen, you know I’m a straight shooter.. wait. Can I start over?”) Before we’re shown the scenes from next week’s episode, everyone basically starts talking over each other, and Lisa says something about Taco Bell.

My final thoughts: I’m wondering what it is Jen has to offer that is so appealing to Meredith and Jen that they’re giving her so much grace. Beyond the fact that neither of them seem to vibe with her at all, the sudden change of heart Lisa had in the finale was VERY fishy to me. Meredith didn’t seem to have much to say in the way of Jen, but I assume that bridge will be crossed in the parts of the reunion to come. I was also a little shocked to learn that the bartenders Lisa hired really were a gift, and they really had nothing to do with Vida Tequila. Maybe there is something to what Lisa is saying about Heather and Whitney portraying her as more of a monster than she really is. Did she get a bad edit? Also, though it may be a long shot, I would love to learn that Whitney is actually an evil genius playing dumb. There are hints of it I’ve seen so far. She DID organize the whole trip to Vegas, and she DID start the ball rolling on Sharrieff’s birthday-gate. One thing is for sure, after the reunion thus far, I’d say these women all came to PLAY, and I’m living for Salt Lake. 

[msmovingforward]

A For Effort

Wow! Tiffany may just be the biggest evil genius the entire Housewives universe has ever seen! You mean to tell me you graduated Cornell at 19, graduated medical school at 23, and you didn’t see the irony in serving cricket pizza in order to trigger someone who was infamously called a “chirpy little Mexcian?” (LeeAnne’s words, not mine). Tiffany knows exactly what she’s doing. You don’t have advanced scientific degrees and your own wine label, but need Pancho the chef to explain to everyone what salami is. Though I’m not falling for her “I never had girlfriends” sob story, I’m loving the deliciousness with which she is playing the victim to our faces while riling these southern belles up like swinging piñatas. Sorry I had to get these thoughts out before they escaped me. Onto the recap proper!

We open with Mr. and Mrs. Moon discussing the aforementioned pizza soiree. Tiffany really does have everyone in her life on a delicate thread. She masterfully guilts her husband into doing EVERYTHING to set up this party (decorating, making pizza dough-which is a frickin’ process in case you’ve never attempted it) by saying she’s extremely stressed about fitting in with her new friends. (Will they accept her for two seasons in a row?!) Tiffany knows this is her time to do something BIG in order to really brand her name on the cattle that is the Dallas Housewives, and that thing is using her $15,000 pizza oven for a group of friends that includes two women who probably don’t eat. (The last time I remember a pizza oven being mentioned as a centerpiece for a party was when Camille Grammer invited everyone to her house to drink vodka out of fishbowls and find out when they were going to die and lose their legs, but I’m digressing). Tiffany makes an Excel Spreadsheet, and the two clink to pizza parties.

D’Andra heads over to her Shaman’s house. This guy is just a gay with a lot of feelings in a robe, and you know what?! Good for him! You get that money! He had to do something with all that left over spirit gum from the community theater production of Fiddler that shut down due to COVID, and what better use than fake sideburns to convince sad rich women you’re a spiritual guru?! We learn that D’Andra has developed a twitch from all the trauma of fighting with Kari in Grapevine last week. The shaman asks what D’Andra thinks she might be projecting to invite negative energy, and we’re shown flashbacks of D’Andra mom shaming Kari in last week’s episode, screaming, “I don't even care because you were my fucking friend! ... You have three kids that are grown. One child home that is under your care.” With a completely blank stare on her face, D’Andra says, “I don’t know the answer to that honestly.” The shaman tries to get D’Andra to see the bigger picture, telling her that in life there will always be people saying things she doesn’t like, but D’Andra just blames Kari yet again, saying that Kari is just jealous of her. The shaman advises D’Andra to always come from a place of love, so no one can accuse her of having negative intentions, which I’m sure D’Andra will misinterpret in episodes to come, and then he has her lie on the floor as he spreads rose pedals on her, so she can receive the gifts of Mother Earth. I’m in the wrong area of work, clearly. How much is this dude charging for this? I tell women they’re queens and listen to them bitch all day, and I don’t get paid for it!

Kameron is with her dog and her daughter in their living room in preparation for Brad the hot dog trainer to pay a house call. It’s hard for me to tell whose name I hate more, Fanci, her dog, or Hilton, her daughter. Is she named after Paris or the hotel chain itself? Gag! Court enters and informs the two small children and the dog as well as Kameron that an interested couple had just toured their home for a third time, and they have decided not to buy. I really hate Court. Why would he tell the six year old children and the dog this? Kameron is clearly not listening. At first, I felt bad for Kameron because I thought she wasn’t being given a chance to have a say in this, but then I realized this is 20 fucking 20, and she doesn’t need permission to be strong and independent. God, Kameron! What is with the Dallas women in particular and playing victims? If you want to sell the house for more then get in there and hustle, girl! Kameron informs the audience via her confessional that “[My dream house] could sell, then it could be off the market. Then Guess what! I don't have another house that I'm obsessed with!” Some women have jobs, Kameron. Even Kari is pretending to make jewelry! Some women actually take their dogs outside to walk them! Then again, I am watching this show because this is where the humor lies. Court really is the worst kind of man, though. He openly mocks Kameron’s feelings to his six year old daughter’s face, joking that if she gets hysterical about the house selling for too low, the two of them have a contract not to tell Kameron. Again, though, this IS the life Kameron is choosing. I wonder what the shaman would have to say about THIS?!

Brad comes in and informs them that letting Fanci just have a bone all the time to keep her occupied is the same as giving your kids an iPad at church. Kameron says without even a hint of irony that that is what they do with their kids at church. Brad informs the family that they’re doing a C+ job at training Fanci. Kameron, who’s never probably gotten a grade above C- in her life is thrilled, saying, “At least we got a letter!” Kameron informs us in her testimonial that she needs to feel control over training Fanci because there’s so little in her life right now she does have control over, including COVID and her home selling for too little, making her unable to afford a bigger version of her current home. ACTUALLY IF YOU DID ANYTHING EXCEPT STRAP YOUR DOG TO A TREADMILL, YOU MIGHT FIND YOU DO HAVE SOME AGENCY HERE, KAMERON. Ugh...

Stephanie is diligently working on receiving her Nobel Peace Prize by setting up her office space so that she can spend Travis’s money to give public schools luxury locker rooms. She’s heroically painted her office the same shade of off white that she’s going to have someone else paint one of the locker rooms to make sure she likes it. The pressure is really mounting, though, because if she doesn’t finish her office in time, she’s made a bet that she will have to touch Travis. No one wants that! He’s hairy! Travis comes into the unfinished office with flowers, and informs Stephanie that she’s already over budget. (Her budget, for which she did absolutely no research before setting, is $100,000, but the lockers alone are costing $70,000). Stephanie jokes that she’s going to have to prostitute herself to afford these renovations. Travis says she’s probably not good enough in bed to raise that much money. Healthy.

We are shown vignettes of the women trying to figure out what to wear to a chic pizza party. I’m confused because I’m pretty sure chic pizza party isn’t much different from chic square dance, which is what I imagine most of Dallas’s social events to look like. Kari is getting her makeup done, and she shares a text with her makeup artist that reads, “Just to set expectations: I'll probably be wrapping up the party at like 10:30, because I have a meeting tomorrow and I want to be fresh for it. Can't wait to see you all tonight.” Kari informs us that she’s NEVER gotten a text like that before in her life. Stephanie and Kameron are riding together to Tiffany’s, and Stephanie says she’s always in bed by 10, so she doesn’t have a problem with it. (Me too, Stephanie!) Kameron informs us that proper etiquette would have been to send out printed invitations with a set end time. I think Tiffany knew exactly what she was starting when she sent out this text. D’Andra arrives to the party with a container of some sort of deli salad topped with a white bow, and Tiffany freaks out that D’Andra needs to put on shoe covers. I wonder if she and Mary Cosby use the same brand. Stephanie and Kameron arrive right behind D’Andra with a piñata they forgot to give Kari at her 50th birthday party. Tiffany shows off her closet filled with easily a million dollars’ worth of Birkin bags. I do have to say, Tiffany’s closet easily outshines both Lisa Vanderpump’s and Bethany Frankel’s. I just hope TIffany has proper safeguards against moths.

The last to arrive are Kari and Brandi. In the car, Kari informs Brandi that she’s essentially over trying to make a real friendship work with D’Andra, but they can be superficial friends, and Kari will just keep D’Andra at arm’s length. So basically how it probably was all along. This story line sucks, Kari.

The two arrive just in time for Tiffany to tell everyone there’s going to be a contest to see who makes the best pizza. She also lays down some ground rules, saying, “You just have to be honest. I know that's really hard in this group ... The number two rule is no fighting. (Kari looks pissed about this rule). On your first infraction, you shall receive a verbal warning. The second time, you get pizza flour thrown in your face. (Kameron nods like she understands). Like 'Stop fighting!' And rule number three is have fun!” Brandi makes a fair point that having fun is the point of a party, and this was Tiffany’s last rule.

It isn’t until this point that I realize lackluster friend of the wives Jen is in attendance. You know it’s bad when the friend of is being outshined by the Shaman.

The women bust open Kari’s piñata, which contains a riddle: “What's wet, long, thin, hot, and down south?” Somehow this means the women will be taking a cast trip to Austin to further drag out Kari’s birthday party.

The gals make and eat their pizzas. Kameron informs us that dabbing the grease off the pizza takes away 250 calories. After the very stupid pizza contest winner is determined Tiffany reveals that they all just ate crickets, which she hid in her pizza toppings. Needless to say, Kari is PISSED. The only thing it’s appropriate to pour down someone’s throat is tequila! Brandi has to run inside to throw up, but not before she puts shoe covers on! Tiffany had intended to win Brandi over because Brandi’s love language is pranks, but this clearly has backfired. D’Andra starts meditating, and then Kameron’s alarm goes off to inform everyone they only have 8 minutes before 10:30, so they’d better scram. Not even Tiffany could have predicted these women would be so humorless. It looks like she’s going to really have to step it up if she wants to be in this clique! Tiffany informs us that the party probably got a B-, which to a tiger mom like her is basically an F. Didn’t Tiffany say she never came home with less than an A? Rough!

Will Tiffany recover from this horrible prank gone awry? Will Stephanie be able to help high school athletic departments? Will Jen ever say anything? How does she know these women? One thing is for sure; we are definitely going to long, thin, hot, wet, southern... Austin? next week!

[msmovingforward]

Proud Mama

We open with triumphant Mormon choir music to establishing shots, informing us we are back in Salt Lake City. I’m shocked and betrayed that we didn’t get anymore footage of Kimberly the Hypnotist, but c’est la vie; it’s not as if we had an extra-long episode this week. Whitney is meditating in her home. Lisa is at her office at Vida Tequila (LOVE THAT!). We see several flashbacks to Jen screaming at Whitney to shut the fuck up, and Kimberly the Hypnotist asking Lisa to take a good hard look at her friendship with Jen. Heather thinks back to Jen raising her hand when asked if anyone doesn’t trust Heather. We head back to see Belle from Beauty and the Beast still trapped in a high castle by her misunderstood captor, or I mean Mary the grandfather fucker in her 8,000 square foot home, thinking about how she warned everyone Jen would ruin this trip! SHE BLINKED SO MANY TIMES! CAN SOMEONE HELP HER?! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP, MARY! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP! Needless to say, this was a trip from HELL! These women may have left Vegas and checked out of the Hotel Nomad, but what happened there certainly didn’t stay there.

More choir music, and we’re at Heather’s new Beauty Lab and Laser location, complete with 15-minute Botox parking spots. So if you’re just at this strip mall to get a Diet Coke from a 7-11 on the GOOD side of the tracks, you better find parking elsewhere! Between seeing Lisa’s office and Heather’s new Beauty Lab location, we’ve now officially doubled the number of filming locations for this show! The new location looks like the set of a reboot for Xanadu. Everything is pink and white. Pink angel wings adorn the wall, symbolizing Heather’s ascent into independence from her ex husband. Heather tells us in a confessional this has to look great. She can’t just light a candle and say it’s done! I mean Sheree did this for her housewarming on Atlanta, but this is Salt Lake City, the land of integrity!

Heather addresses her team, saying that she’s had a rough weekend in Vegas, so if she’s short with people that’s why. Such great management skills! Remind your entire team that while they were probably working to make your vision a reality, you were away on a girls’ trip, filming a TV show less than a week before your grand opening! An employee tells Heather something about her stanchions, a word Heather had never heard before. Whitney shows up and remarks how pretty the stanchion ropes are. Thank God Whitney could remember her lines this week!

Heather and Whitney discuss the fact that neither of them have spoken to Jen since the trip, and Whitney informs us in her testimonial that she would uninvite Jen to the grand opening if it were her. “Is Heather addicted to toxicity?” She asks. Well, let’s see! Beyond the fact that Heather and Whitney are both ex Mormons who are on a reality show about women yelling at each other, Heather is literally opening a second location for a business that shoots toxins into middle-aged women’s foreheads and eye sockets, so they can’t express emotions or look old. Heather’s livelihood LITERALLY depends on the availability of toxicity.

In the next scene, we see Lisa touching a fabulously green handbag and heading into a bar called Lake Effect. Before we cut to commercial, it is revealed that she is there to meet up with none other than Jen Shah herself! Now I’m excited. It seems like Lisa is living up to her Lisa Housewife ancestors (Vanderpump, Rinna, Et Al.) and has sensed that Jen is weak and malleable. You need a friend, don’t you, Jen, darling? Lisa informs us that when leaving Vegas she saw Jen in tears on the elevator, and the human in her just had to ask what the real story was. She informs Jen that she’s just like her. She wants to be loyal to her friendships and her word. Hmm.. interesting because I’m pretty sure Jen was literally JUST spreading rumors about your other best friend’s marriage. Even I’m a little bit confused, falling for this classic manipulative trap. My heart really does break a little bit for Jen, who I think is truly losing her mind. I’m brought back to reality, though, when Lisa tells Jen that she can’t threaten to drown Whitney in her pond after Jen says she feels like her words are constantly taken out of context. Jen tells Lisa that she only talks like that because she felt like she constantly had to be ready to fight growing up in Salt Lake City, which is predominantly White.

We head to Meredith’s house where we are treated to a vomit-inducing scene of Meredith slicing half a banana for Seth. Seth informs her that he likes quarters instead of halves. Meredith fills Seth in on the happenings in Vegas, which Seth refers to as “Toxic city cicity.” Meredith can’t handle all the volatility in this group of friends. She repeatedly disengaged in Vegas, and obviously Vegas is really a city where you want to dis-disengage. You want to be so engaged in Vegas, and it’s unengaging when you have to disengage. It’s like the Blackjack dealer asks, “Do you want to hit or stay?” and Meredith just has to disengage. Meredith tells us that her marriage has been just so wonderful lately, and it’s all positivity. She throws shade at Jen in her confessional, saying that some of the other women are probably just jealous of how successful her marriage is, which is why they need to spread rumors about it. Right, Meredith, we’re all super jealous of the fact that your husband can sleep with his eyes open at dinner and simultaneously accuse you of cheating because you won’t let him go through your phone.

Whitney informs us that her father is 90 days sober, so she’s going to let him near her head with scissors in a room full of aspiring Mormon hairdressers. He does absolutely nothing to Whitney’s hair and makes several dad jokes, and the audience is led to believe that his audition for this hairdressing school went well. My heart breaks for a second time this episode when Whitney says, “I feel like a proud Momma,” even though she’s the daughter in this relationship.

Meredith visits Heather at Beauty Lab. Meredith informs Heather that she’s sure Jen does have shit she’s dealing with, but she’s angry because Jen has hurt her family and marriage with her lies. Heather says that she needs to be strong and not “put up and shut up” like she did for years in her marriage. If her daughters were in a friendship like this, she would advise them to stay away.

Lisa, her husband, and her kids, Jack and Henry, are at a meeting with Sydney, who is either high up at Vida Tequila or low on the totem pole and was able to be convinced to be on TV. Either way, she has to sit through fifteen year old Henry’s Fresh Wolf business proposal. Lisa continuously reminds her kids, who are almost as disengaged as Meredith, that they can have anything, including Land Rover Defenders and McClarens, if they “What?” “Work for it!” Lisa says that Henry will be the first 9 year old with a McClaren (”I love that! I love it.”) I remember visiting my mom at work and being given the money to start companies and buy luxury cars in front of assistants who probably make $15 an hour. Pretty standard reward for getting a B+ on a report card. Jack starts his business proposal. “Yeah so Fresh Wolf is a company.” Henry interrupts from the white board on which he is writing Fresh Wolf over and over again. “I came up with the name! How smart are these straws!?” Henry has a brain fart and has to start over after Lisa reminds him that it’s always important to hold up a picture of the product when you’re pitching it, especially if you’re wearing your best backwards hat and bright yellow-green hoodie. I love that. That I love. I love it. Touch the picture, Jack. Jack’s full proposal is as follows: “The ingredient you need most, Dad, is turmeric because it restores hair or stimulates hair growth or something.. so uh yeah that's Fresh Wolf.” Sidney pretends to be truly impressed. John says, “Wow,” and Lisa informs us via confessional that Fresh Wolf has really given them the opportunity to reconnect as a family  Even though Lisa has just chugged a liter of Diet Coke from the 7-11 next to Beauty Lab, she’s starving, so they all head to Taco Bell, then Burger King, then Checkers for lunch. Everyone that is, except Henry, whom they forget. It’s ok. He’ll get there if he works hard.

We head to Mary’s church, where we are shown an actual photo of Jesus with Mary’s grandmother/husband’s late wife. Mary is dressed in Beyonce at Coachella realness. It’s time for choir practice, which Mary informs us in her testimonial is not going well. They need to practice every day, but they can only practice once a week. It’s hard as a viewer to make a judgment on this though because Mary stops their singing every few seconds to ask how much they love her, criticize someone’s weight gain, (“Do me a favor. Eat healthy. Drink water!”), or tell someone they’re daydreaming. I wonder... if these people weren’t probably working two full-time jobs to afford the second mortgages they took out to be members of Mary’s church, could they have choir practice more often?

Next the audience is again reminded of what a wonderful husband Sharrieff is, as he sets up a table of chocolate-covered strawberries inside a dance studio for date night, which is a salsa dancing lesson. He informs us that Jen has always begged for him to bring her to salsa lessons. I have to say, while I imagine not having your husband around most of the year must be a struggle, it’s not as if Sharrieff doesn’t make the most of his limited time with Jen. This date is extremely thoughtful and romantic. Jen walks in, and she’s clearly very impressed and excited. She sees the trophies, and asks, “Am I going to get a trophy?” Sharrieff replies, “No, honey.” In the same tone I might use to tell a child that Grandma isn’t coming over for dinner anymore. This tiny moment made me realize again just how much people in Jen’s orbit must have to walk on eggshells. Sharrieff probably saw an opportunity for crazy Jen to come out and throw a tantrum after realizing she wasn’t going to get a trophy for her one salsa dancing lesson. God, I love this show! The couple salsa dance, and both of them are actually very good. Naturally, as Jen informs us that Sharrieff WAS in a dance group in junior high school. Jen again laments to Sharrieff about how misunderstood she is by the other women, and Sharrieff once again very patiently therapizes her. I was shocked to find out that they have been married 26 years. Can someone please tell me if that’s a record for a marriage that Bravo has ruined? That’s got to be a record! There’s no way they’ll still be married if Jen makes it to a season three...

At last the moment we’ve been waiting for all season arrives! Heather is FINALLY opening her second Mormon purification center. This one used to be a Quiznos! Meredith asks Brooks what she thinks of her outfit, a leather tuxedo with a sparkling lapel. He says it’s “Beyond,” but she decides she’s going to take off her pants entirely, and just make it a “blazer dress.” Lisa informs her husband that she’s going to wear Versace because who doesn’t love Versace. I think he’s just excited that his kids have piano lessons, so he doesn’t have to get an experimental chemical peel. The party is pink, and Heather is serving us Frenchie’s trouble in tinting class. This party has everything: buff gay bartenders with judging eyes, napkins that say messy af (Mary: “What does AF stand for? After the fact?”), wing-shaped cookies, stanchions! Meredith arrives wearing a mask that looks like it came from a very expensive piece of medical equipment, which she informs us is high fashion, and she wouldn’t expect anyone who isn’t as elegant as she to understand it. Mary looks like a cross between an Olsen twin and an extra from Gossip Girl. Lisa arrives, asking, “Does X marks the spot?” before posing in front of the step and repeat. Heather has invited her ex husband, who says he approves, calling the event “next level.” It must be pretty impressive if he got out of his hot tub for it! Heather introduces Meredith to a friend, saying Meredith is a burn victim. The friend says she should wear the mask all the time... Whitney really does a big Whitney zing on Meredith’s mask, putting on two surgical masks in her confessional. Boom! We learn that Meredith’s dress was designed in part by Brooks, which means it must be one of a kind. Mary says something about chicken turkeys as Meredith sips a straw right through her mask. Everyone at this party is basically wearing very shiny pajamas. Lisa reveals to Meredith that she and Jen met up after Vegas, to which Meredith says she can’t control whom Lisa is friends with, but she definitely needs some space from the situation. Mary joins Whitney at the oxygen bar (Mary: “I need oxygen, doxygen, estrogen, YEStrogen!”). Whitney tells Mary she was right; after Mary was out of Jen’s line of fire in Vegas, Whitney just became her next target. 

Enter Jen...

Whitney tells Jen she felt like Jen’s punching bag in Vegas. Jen offers a very sincere apology that offers no excuses, which Whitney seems to accept. It’s like Jen is wearing a wire with Sharrieff in her hear telling her exactly what to say all night. In her confessional, Jen reveals that she was just being nice at the time, and she wasn’t really sorry at all because she saw some wing-shaped cookies across the room, and she was hungry. This makes much more sense with the other things I’ve seen across this franchise. Good housewifing, Jen! Heather gives her thank you speech, which again affirms Heather as an independent woman who blah blah blah. We are shown footage of Meredith telling a closet case Mormon man that it’s always a bad idea to ignore bad energy, when Jen walks over to tell Meredith how unacceptable it is that Jen was talking about Meredith’s marriage. Meredith says, “No. It’s not,” and we are treated to a sonic boom sound effect. Meredith again says she needs to “protect her positive space”, but hopefully if Jen proves that she can be trustworthy, the two can move forward. Jen says to Meredith’s face that she respects that decision, but says in her confessional that she thinks Meredith is crazy. Heather walks over, and Meredith gives the two their own space, so she and her Tron mask can continue to protect their positive energy pod elsewhere. Jen and Heather get into a heated discussion, which upsets Lisa Barlow, Queen of Sundance, to the point where she thinks she may have to call security, and of all the parties she’s thrown, she’s never had to call security. She insinuates herself into the situation, saying “Can you guys whisper?” Jen gives her worst apology of the night, and Heather once again forgives her after Jen says the words that Heather literally has to tell her to say.

What a season! We learn that Jen has bought another friend, Heather has learned that she’s her own person, Whitney has a skincare line, Mary is reorganizing her closet, Lisa is taking a family vacation to Mexico, and Meredith and Seth are back in Couples counseling.

What a long episode!

[msmovingforward]

Birkins and Merkins

We rejoin the ladies at Brandi’s wine tasting birthday party. As we recall from last episode, Kari is picking at D’Andra’s every move and missed detail. The whole thing is very annoying. D’Andra has made an attempt at humor by attaching a mannequin head of Brandi to a stick and calling it Captain Brandi. No one, including me, is amused by this. My immediate questions about Grapevine, TX are 1) Texas produces wine? Are the weather conditions good for wine grapes? 2) How far is Grapevine from Dallas (or the suburbs where these women actually live)? My immediate instinct is that this is a shady Bravo move, akin to last week’s 8-hour drive to Island of Palms, SC on the Atlanta Housewives. 3) You can drink on the street in Grapevine, TX? The answers are as follows: 1) Yes, but not in Dallas/the surrounding areas. 2)  An hour, so no real need to bring a child’s potty on the ride... when you could probably stop at a Sonic Burger or just use one of the other women’s bathrooms, and 3) According to Google, the sale of packaged liquors in Grapevine is illegal. The mindfuck that is Dallas Housewives keeps getting deeper. Someone get me a pickle shot! This is making my head numb.

The episode picks up with Kari and D’Andra bickering with each other, which quickly ceases as soon as Brandi and Tiffany return from the bathroom. Our first fame-hungry business owner of the episode comes out to pour more wine. She sets up a joke, asking the women, “Who knows what the best day of the week is to drink wine?” to which the women all respond, “EVERY DAY!” with absolutely no hesitation. This doesn’t stop the winery owner. Oh no! SHE WILL STILL GET HER JOKE IN! “That’s right!” She says. “Days ending in Y!” Cringe! This is a joke I hear often at AA meetings, as well as see monogrammed on towels you can buy at The Paper Store. This woman is no Kimberly the hypnotist from last week’s SLC episode.

Stephanie introduces the audience to the panty game, which she claims is how she and Brandi first became friends. Brandi doesn’t look like she wants to play the panty game at all, and I, the viewer, don’t really want to see the panty game, but here we go regardless. ANOTHER PICKLE SHOT OVER HERE PLEASE?! KEEP THEM COMING!

A graphic pops up on screen to keep score of whether or not Brandi can correctly guess who gave her which panties. It’s basically a slutty secret Santa for White women. Let’s play! The first pair Brandi opens is a pair of grannie panties that someone has sloppily drawn fish on in Sharpie. It looks like the Sharpie probably cost more than the panties themselves, which were probably from the dollar store. For someone who supposedly designs and makes her own jewelry, I’m unimpressed. Even for a Housewives-level craft this is poorly executed. Brandi then opens another pair of grannie panties with two sparkly stars and the words fire crotch written on them as well as a (hopefully fake) poop stain, which Brandi correctly guesses are from D’Andra. The audience is treated to a drunken flashback from a previous season in which the women are drunkenly yelling about landing strips. Thank God we can get this experience again now! The tables take a turn when Brandi opens a pair of very skimpy black thong panties and incorrectly guesses they’re from Kameron. Tiffany informs us they are from her, and they have a built-in clit massager. Tiffany is visibly shook by this snub, and I would be too! Tiffany’s panties show clear effort put forward for both style and practicality, and Brandi is going to assume someone who’s dumb and lazy enough to walk her dog on a treadmill would come up with this brilliant plan?! For the record, Kameron gave a pair of panties that reference Beavis and Butthead. This tracks for me.

Kari then starts acting fake as hell toward D’Andra, saying in front of Brandi’s face what a great job she did organizing the party. Tiffany takes the opportunity to pile on, calling Kari out for throwing her in the pool at Kari’s birthday party. Kari claims she thought Tiffany was over it, and we get a flashback of Brandi’s front yard, and Tiffany saying, “it’s fine,” very passive aggressively right after Kari apologizes to her. Tiffany then explains that she can’t have tequila poured down her throat because she has a full-time job. God, Tiffany! Stop being so dramatic. It’s not like you’re an anesthesiologist! Oh wait... But it just wouldn’t be Housewives if someone didn’t double down, and Kari swoops in with that move brilliantly, saying Tiffany’s WORKING excuse is “ridiculous.” Then the scene turns into a real mess; right after D’Andra jumps to Tiffany’s defense, Kameron jumps in and calls Tiffany two-faced for forcing her to eat a chicken foot. The sensitive subject of race is then brought in, with Kari trying to accuse Tiffany of being racist. Right... because if a White person had pushed her in the pool on a work night, that would have been totally fine? To which Tiffany responds that doesn’t make any sense because she’s a minority too. She explains in her confessional that maybe she can get away with this with some of the other women, but it’s not going to work with her. I think it’s a very fair point, and that’ s all I will say on the sensitive subject of race. Thank you very much!

I have to say, Tiffany holds her own very well in these fights. Kameron keeps trying to get a jab in on the side, claiming that Tiffany is again two-faced for defending D’Andra at her Dim Sum luncheon when Kameron called D’Andra COVID girl, but Tiffany herself is probably putting the group the most at risk. Tiffany owns it right away, and I can almost see the dirt fall right off her shoulder.

It becomes pretty evident at this point these women have had quite a bit to drink. The scene becomes difficult to follow, and two of the women call each other bitches. I honestly can’t remember who, but I’m sure if it’s important, we will hear about it in a flashback in the weeks to come. Kari again lays into D’Andra for missing so many details. LET THE MOUSE GO! Finally, Brandi has had enough, and she yells at the women to stop. D’Andra basically calls Kari a bad mother, at which point Kari shares about her daughter’s mental health struggles. Kari tells us this is the LAST THING she wanted to bring up. I have to admit, I haven’t watched Dallas at all until this season, but Kari seems like a truly low-down woman to me. She needs to play the victim somehow, and she’s not afraid to drag her daughter’s mental health troubles on screen to do it. Yuck!

Kameron and D’Andra hide Captain Brandi in the grapevines, and then Captain Brandi gets found.

Then we are whisked away with upbeat acoustic guitar interstitial music to AJ’s on Main, in downtown Grapevine, for some pickle shots. This bar terrifies me. Fake dollar bills hang from the ceiling. It looks like the scene from Se7en with the guy who’s not quite dead yet. The women keep drinking, and Brandi gives them a twerking lesson. Kari continues to bitch about D’Andra (snore). We learn that Tiffany Moon’s maiden name is Sun. Brandi gets her hand on a fake beard and stuffs it in her pants. She goes outside and starts trying to get cars to honk at her gray pubes. For some reason none of these antics are impressing me this week.

The women go drunk tourist shopping, and Stephanie begins beating D’Andra with what we later learn is a charcuterie board. The store owner is not amused. Neither am I.

The women go to dinner, and Garrett, the adorable gay restaurant manager pulls off one of the most nuanced Bravo cameos I’ve ever seen. Tiffany is wasted and reveals that she eats over dead bodies sometimes at work. We all forget that there’s a pandemic again, as Brandi blows her COVID aerosols all over her sparkler birthday cake. Jen tells D’Andra that she’s sober, and D’Andra drunkenly reveals that she “used to” be a big coke head... mmmkay.

Finally we return to Dallas. Brandi gets in the tub in all her clothes with her children. Kameron and Fanci are doing another buddy workout, and Fanci makes fancy feces on the treadmill. It’s OK, Fanci. I have to shit too when I work out. (Side note: the Planet Fitness I go to has had out of order toilets for four months, so I often have to walk across the parking lot to Starbucks mid workout to relieve myself. We’re all struggling these days).

Kari has another uncomfortable and exploitative scene with her daughter Sophia, in which Sophia makes it very clear she doesn’t want to talk about her mental health on camera.

In the final scene, Tiffany gets emotional when coming to terms with the fact that being a full-time doctor is taking a toll on her ability to be a tiger mom to her children, and she discusses going part time with her husband, who kind of didn’t seem to be listening; Tiffany says that it’s like she’s climbed a mountain, and now she’s looking down, wondering, “Why did I climb this mountain?” to which he responds, “But you climbed the mountain, didn’t you?” Ugh, not the point, Mr. Moon!

My final thoughts: I definitely would love to see Tiffany devote less time to saving lives and more time to saving every scene in this show. Kari is not being a fun terrible human to watch like most housewives. Her constantly bringing up her daughter’s struggles and erratically trying to play the victim at every turn is really turning me off... almost as much as Brandi’s long gray pubes. I’m just grateful that next week it looks like Kameron’s dog trainer is making another appearance. What a man!

[msmovingforward]

Hypno-SHEDIDNOT

We open with Jen and the Shah squad in the Nomad Hotel and Casino. Jen informs her team that she's going to the "strip club!!!" I'm thinking, "SHAHMAZING!! We're finally gonna get to see these women do something in Las Vegas that you might actually do in Las Vegas." As it turns out... the promise of this show filming anywhere except inside Luigi's Mansion, er I mean... the fabulous Nomad Hotel Las Vegas or at Heather's Mormon laser conversion therapy "health spa" was an empty one.

Whitney and Heather then have a pow wow following Heather's exclusive in-hotel shopping experience with Jen and Gollum and Whitney, Meredith, and Lisa's riveting experience driving luxury cars. (Side note: many places have "driving experiences" where you can drive a luxury car five laps around a track. You can buy this experience yourself on Groupon for like $49, and you don't have to fly coach to Vegas to do it. When my Housewives take me to Vegas, I want to see Lisa Vanderpump pretending she's ok with the Chippendales touching her. I want to see someone who owns a casino treating their frenemies to a weekend of debauchery. Hell! I at least want to see Camille Grammer dancing like a white girl in the VIP section of Tao!) Whitney reveals to Heather that she's just so glad that they can finally have a drama-free dinner all together, now that Jen has forgiven and forgotten how it was ALL WHITNEY'S FAULT that she threw that glass at Sharrieff's birthday party. (Or so she thought...) This is juxtaposed with a scene of Jen, Meredith, and Lisa sitting down to a dinner I can only describe as if Disney World decided to open a Rainforest Cafe inside the Haunted Mansion and served Lunchables and Stacy's Pita Chips. As we have come to predict, Lisa is loving the elegant vibe this dinner, complete with an oversized margarita topped with a Blue Mccaw, is throwing off. Lisa knows taste. Lisa WANTS to touch this dinner, and she does. She scoops what looks like some sort of spinach dip right onto her plate, as she and Meredith fill Jen in on Whitney's apology at the racetrack.

This is when things turn, and I'm not just talking about Whitney's flawless day-to-night turtleneck tank top and high wasted jean look. According to Jen, it would be nice if Whitney could just be accountable. This is when I realized that we are living in a different world entirely from Jen Shah. In Jen Shah's world, it's appropriate to throw a glass without looking, and when you do that, you're not overreacting. In Jen Shah's world, you can dress like you tore the rainforest-scene wallpaper right off your pediatrician's wall. What ensues is one of the worst examples of a housewife trying to force a story line I've ever seen. It's like when Michael Scott keeps insisting every improv scene has a gun. Stop trying to make this fight happen, Jen! No one cares! Andy Cohen, please tell me she isn't coming back next season. More Jen yelling that Whitney needs to watch her back and more Meredith disengaging follow. We learn from a testimonial that Meredith grew up in a broken home, so the yelling triggers her, so she learned how to disengage. This is FAR TOO HEALTHY of behavior from a housewife for me. I mean, have you SEEN a Housewives show before, Meredith? This is cage fighting for women. Get back in there with your slicked back jet black hair! FaceTime Brooks! HE would have some choice words to say to Jen.

Whitney and Heather show up just as all this is happening. Jen has gone into full-on crazy mode now, and she's doing that thing where you get so upset that you basically just start crying. In this sense I can feel bad for Jen. It really must be challenging to live by yourself with your husband gone three quarters of the year, but this woman needs a hobby more fulfilling than buying friends and saying "shah-mazing..." like maybe buy one of those adult coloring books, Jen. This storyline is getting nowhere quickly. I need Jen to cool it, and I need Meredith to step it up. Jen pushes Heather, and Lisa follows her out into the hotel lobby to try to talk her off the ledge, but she's unsuccessful... probably because her outfit makes her look like a bellhop, so patrons keep trying to get her to carry their bags to their rooms.

  Jen returns to her room to call her husband and further establish herself as the victim in this situation.

We head back to Whitney's room, which looks like it's in a library, to break down what just happened. We learn that Meredith and Seth had previously been separated several times and had both seen other people, but they are currently happier than they have ever been. This puts to rest the cheating rumors that Jen had been trying to drop in everyone's ears, but cuts Lisa to the core because she doesn't feel like she even knows her best friend.

When we return from commercial, more establishing interior shots of this baffling hotel inform us it's the next day; there's a large dog statue, another lost soul from American Horror Story bringing Lisa breakfast ("Thank you. I love that!"), a bathtub right next to Heather's bed, and a creepy clock on Whitney's bedside table. Brooks tells Meredith that the family dog shit all over his blue Moncler coat, and he nearly cried, but he couldn't because he just got Botox at Heather's health spa from a pregnant 16 year old Mormon. Whitney pushes her legs over her head and yawns while her testimonial informs us this is worse than the time she got her period on a waterslide during a trip to the Bahamas. Hot. Lisa FaceTimes Mary and tells her she wishes she were here to tell Jen she smelled like hospital at last night's Velveeta and scorpion bowls dinner. Mary blinks several times and tells us Jen is crazy, and she's been trying to tell us all along! Takes one to know one I guess!

Jen is gone! Then! Jen is not gone because the Shah squad told her to stay. Thank God for the Shah squad!

We head outside where Meredith is dressed in her most elegant oscillot print coat. Heather informs the rest of the gals that she's gonna be late, and we head to... a hypnotist's mansion in the Las Vegas desert? I'm SO confused as to why we went to Vegas to visit these otherwise standard Housewives tropes. The hypnotist tells us to hold balls in our hands because this is how hypnosis works, but not before Jen and Heather show up late, disrupting the whole ritual, causing us all to have to start over. After NO ONE gets hypnotized, we head to the hypnotist's living room, where the hypnotist, who I think is vying for a snowflake, and who I have a sneaking suspicion is not a hypnotist AT ALL, asks everyone whom they do and do not trust. Shocker! Everyone trusts everyone else, except no one trusts Jen, and Jen doesn't trust Heather.

  The episode basically just wraps up there, with more to come next week with the hypnotist. Here are my final thoughts. A) Jen is a terrible friend to Heather and an even worse housewife. When this series premiered, I appreciated her coming in guns-a-blazing, but this victim complex, rage issue thing is not playing out well. I need her off my screen. B) Heather is enabling this whole situation, both with the show being terrible due to Jen's not understanding what her job entails and with remaining in this toxic friendship. C) The other women ARE afraid of Jen, and I would be too. I wouldn't want to be around her. D) I would love if Alison Dubois from Beverly Hills' dinner party from hell would hold a seance in the Nomad Hotel. It could be quite possible the woman we saw this episode wasn't Jen at all but just the spirits in a disturbed Vegas burial ground in a state of unrest, convincing her that all work and no play make her a dull boy.