multiplydifficult

[multiplydifficult]

Urgh. Wish we knew what was going on.

Lately have been super useless / unmotivated. Past few days, that changed into somewhat motivated / engaged. I think both these states are normal for me but i also don't know if there was a person-switch or parts-switch or what. I'm not even sure the lazy-state is a person, for all i know it's shell-without-fronter.

Either way to came to make a post about it at like 10am. It's now almost 3pm bc i got distracted on tumblr and now i'm lazy-state. I had shit i wanted to do and i don't wanna go out with post-school traffic.

Fuck i meant to call Dad too. Might do that now so it's done, i can't call him much later. He didn't reply to my text yesterday. :(

[multiplydifficult]

people hate self diagnosis because it provides Mad people with autonomy.

self diagnosis goes against the idea that psychiatriac professionals have unique knowledge - knowledge only obtainable by someone who has studies for years, specifically from a removed & outside perspective to any individual's Madness: even if that student, themselves, is Mad.

self diagnosis goes against the idea that Mad people are inherently incapable of telling their own story - that any ways in which they do communicate, express themselves, etc. is tainted by their Madness and thus unreliable.

self diagnosis says "i know my own bodymind better than anyone; i live here. this is my life. i get to define my experiences." self diagnosis holds self compassion. self diagnosis holds self empowerment.

diagnosis is typically something "given to" Mad people. in psychiatry's eyes, diagnosis is something to describe us that we must have, yet can never attain for ourselves.

so even though self diagnosis takes from the boxes that psychiatry has prescribed, it is still a rebellion. it may not be The Solution to freeing Mad people from psychiatry - but it still means something. to me, at least.

[multiplydifficult]

I saw a colorblind-friendly pride flag today and thought I’d try my best to make a colorblind friendly plural symbol. It took me longer than it should, and it’s still not perfect tbh.

[multiplydifficult]

i made that comparison between "everyone is a little bit plural" with "everyone is a little bit autistic", but actually i just now saw it deployed in a way that feels a lot more "asexuality (and in particular aspec identities) aren't special. that's called being normal."

(syscourse-y things)

particularly, since non-DID systems are inevitably going to be assessed as "less plural" (🙄), we're especially Basically Just Normal.

i guess that's not new. like, that's literally just one of the anti-DID skeptic lines, isn't it? "they're just being misled about/exaggerating completely normal experiences." wouldn't be the first time anti-endogenic sentiment borrows from that discourse!

it's just now it's somehow it's different if you frame it as "no it's actually cool and progressive to say everyone is plural/should use plural frameworks to understand themselves, trust me."

like uhhh no actually. can you please stop.

- ace

[multiplydifficult]

i consider what's called pluralphobia, pluramisia, and so on, to be a subsection of saneism.

saneism is oppression against the mentally ill and those who are defined or perceived as such.

societally, plurality is defined as inherently mentally ill regardless of how true that statement is for the person experiencing plurality. anyone who can not mask well is subject to saneism more overtly, while those who can mask well are subject to saneism in different ways.

a saneist society does not care why you are plural, why you are a system. it does not care if it actually disables you or not. it does not care why you are like this. it defines sanity as singlethood and anything else as insanity. and a saneist society wants everything it defines as insanity to be erased from existence.

ableism specifically affects disabled systems. saneism affects every system and plural.

[multiplydifficult]

At PPWC. Stream of consciousness ahead.

Some systems are talking about trusting headmates sometimes do know what's best, and lately someone has been nudging me about our fully hundreds of open mobile browser tabs probably 85% of them being tumblr posts to reblog. Well it might be less now because we set the to delete after a month. And that someone has been encouraging me to delete my tumblrs or at least log out. But we don't want to. We scared to and we don't know why. We don't want to lose all this information that we can't feasably access right now anyway because that'd require digging through literally hundreds of open tabs. The plan was to have seperate sideblogs and tag stuff so it'd be easier to find stuff again when we want it because we hate not being able to find stuff. But we're not able to find it anyway. The plan was always to go back and reblog some of those posts and we've done that a few times but i'm pretty sure the last time was a year ago. We spend so much time scrolling tumblr that we mostly don't even enjoy now, it's so flippen habitual. We waste our whole mornings on here and it fucks up the rest of our day. It's literally 1.5hr first thing in the morning then a lot of other periods after that.

If we stopped going on here we'd probably have time to watch and read stuff that we wanted to try from learning about on here.

I think we also don't want to delete because a lot of stuff we have saved (or wanted to save) is because we know there is a solid chance that blog owner might suddenly up and delete and we won't be able to access that info at all (and we haven't yet found a way to download on archive someone else's blog, and from what we remember of scrolling maggie stiefvater's blog on the internet archive is it was quite janky d awkward. Tumblr really is a unique site in a lot of ways.) or the blog we want to look at requires we be logged in to view. Though we do have our two older blogs we could use as well, idk.

God, we've been meaning to delete some very personal identifying info from our first acct for years and years. We don't want to delete it because it can be fun sometimes to go back and see what silly fun we had (back when we had active fun on tumblr in fandoms). It'd be so much easier and safer to just delete that account too but i think mostly we don't wanna. It really is just the current account we want to delete because of all the time we are not enjoying spending on here.

But i'm scared to delete because that means losing stuff permenantly.

[multiplydifficult]

And for those who can't afford Minecraft or would rather avoid giving money to Microsoft, Minetest is a free & open-source version.

system joy is using (very broken and laggy) minecraft to help us figure out our inner world

Ohh, that's an interesting idea.. I could try building our little log cabin and lake in minecraft..

[multiplydifficult]

anyway i havent seen anyone else talk about this so i will!! i may not be the first but yk yk.

in-sys communication is a multifaceted (hah) topic and one such facet is literally, speaking internally. being able to hear each other....s thoughts. and feel their feelings. to an extent, but any extent is more than you can get with someone you dont share a brain with (probably). which is, often, great! you know, i dont even have to ask which ice cream flavour you want because i already heard you thinking about it. neat trick! however while ive never heard it spoken of negatively in a serious light (which i have my own theories on), its definitely not all sunshine and rainbows (as they say).

taking things out of a system context for a second, imagine you have like, a friend or coworker or something. someone who might come to you for help. imagine for me then, you're trying to help them with Whatever, but you're panicking about it, or would really rather be doing something else right now. such things. but you are going to help them. so you dont say that part and try your best to keep it under control.

in this sort of system communication you do NOT get that chance - at least not in my experience! if an alter needs help and i dont want to i dont get to act like im not bothered by it. if an alter scares me but ultimately didnt do anything wrong ill make them feel bad.

just because the communication is easier and clearer doesn't make it better, i've found. obviously not everyone relates (i mean, maybe ive never heard anyone talk about it because its wonderhorror-exclusive idk). but i thought it was worth bringing up. being able to hear each other isnt the end all be all, you need to figure out how to navigate situations with no secrets. basically like if everyone was a mind reader.

[multiplydifficult]

Simple nuance: the way this poll is written equates disordered/traumagenic and nondisordered/endogenic too much. I think it would have been better as two seperate polls (one comparing disordered status, once comparing origin).

Actual stance: I also think that a significant portion of systems do not and cannot have a clear enough idea of origin because memory is notoriously shit, particularly when it comes to memories of early childhood. (Not in a "you're wrong about trauma" way but in a "you're assuming you were or were not part of a system prior to the traumatic event/s" type of way.)

Additionally the line between "disordered" and "nondisordered" can get pretty fucking unclear ("clinically significant distress / impairment" is incredibly subjective and different people / clinicians will draw the line in different ways.)

I also think there is just so so so much variation in how different systems work & function that a better starting point would be to gather qualitative & quantitative data on aspects of many systems' traits, then categorise those to get some broader subcategories of actual traits (kind of like how some systems coin & use microlabels for everything, but like... more formalised / systematic), then start looking at "ok what are these traits and how do proportions of these traits vary in disordered vs nondisordered systems and in those of various origins?" (obbviously beyond what a simple tumblr poll can do, and i'm not literally expecting you to put in all that work.)

So i think making these very broad groupings and then asking those groups (who often have animosity toward each other) to compare and contrast their experiences with what they think the experiences of the other is like, is so incredibly backwards in a way that is both an indicator of and potential contributor toward further division of the unhelpful ingroup/outgroup bias kind.

All in all i think the experiences of all groups mentioned are far too varied to for this poll to give any actually useful info.

[multiplydifficult]

Dangit our friend is not replying. Might've gone to bed early or something.

We have been tired / out of it for a while lately.

We had a hobby class yesterday. I also went to the tuesday class in a different location. They tell us they have an event tonight (and some extra stuff all afternoon.)

I /swear/ they said the location was the same as the friday night class (near home, easy parking) not the tuesday night class (in town, awkard to navigate there and back, shit parking).

But i am at the friday location and they are not here. I am /definitely/ not early. So they must be in town.

Been sitting here for 15min tryna decide whether to brave town for the event (there'll be more through the year) or just say fuckit and go home. Where mum is and i have this little neurosis about justifying or explaining myself and she'll prob wanna know why we're back so early.

But we're just. So tired.

Edit: fuckit lets go home.

[multiplydifficult]

I'm just reading a quote from a scarleteen post i can't be bothered linking, in context of people having a pass/fail mindset in dating:

A majority of classes you take in school are not even on a pass/fail scale. Most are on a continuum so that you still get credit for doing work that is good enough.

But if it's not good enough it's still a fail. There is still a line drawn between pass and fail. There might be a spectrum of barely passing to passing with very high marks, but 95% of the time the details of the marks don't materially matter - what matters is whether you passed or failed.

This is particularly relevant in primary and, at least where i'm from, secondary education. Not quite so much in tertiary (can fail one paper but if you pass the next really well you can still pass the class), but by the time you've started tertiary you're past your main developmental years and will have had this pass/fail mindset already ingrained.

IDK strikes me as ?disingenuous to imply that we shouldn't have absorbed this pass/fail mindset from school because "grades are marked on a spectrum" - that obfuscates no matter whre one falls on the spectrum, it will either be a pass of a fail.

[multiplydifficult]

So this presentation went well! Bigger group than we expected, but we've presented to bigger. However we've never presented to this many registered health professionals at once lol so was a bit intimidating.

But they were very impressed by how clearly and confidently we presented (we're pretty good at that), clinical lead was impressed by our lack of extra notes (we just look at the slides), and they found the information good & helpful. And the inclusion of information not just our own acute ward environment but also stuff that's useful for community work was acknowledged & appreciated.

Have to send it to supervisor along with our filled-in final eval, which, on that note: we are soso stuck. We are supposed to come up with three things to work on and we've only got two.

But also this is the end of everything so we might get away with only two.

But also if we don't we don't want our tutor having to pester us about it.

But we've been sitting on this for over 2 hours now.

Friendo is trying to talk us out of adding a third thing.

I really wish we had enough time to do a proper job on this project so we can make something we're proud of like last time.

But we've got less on-site time to work on it, which means cutting into home time, and i need to rest too, damnit.

So i do a shittier job than i'd like and feel inadequate for this being what i provide.

[multiplydifficult]

I really wish we had enough time to do a proper job on this project so we can make something we're proud of like last time.

But we've got less on-site time to work on it, which means cutting into home time, and i need to rest too, damnit.

So i do a shittier job than i'd like and feel inadequate for this being what i provide.

[multiplydifficult]

Everyone should use the language that best describes their experience (see system, stimming, etc) Because asking people to go through hoops to invent new words to describe their experience is kinda bonkers

[multiplydifficult]

girl you fucked up your system partition really bad. you only allocated 500mb to the nice older sister that lives in your head and keeps you safe, then gave the remaining 249.5GB to your 2 year old alter.

[multiplydifficult]

note: this poll is mostly for my personal fun. i cant possibly list every single thing ever you could use for this purpose and im sorry if i forgot your favourite.

*by this i mean apps intended for writers to keep track of their characterd and worldbuilding etc. rpg notes my love

**this includes if you dont use anything. "not applicable" doesn't always mean "not plural"