mungbe

[mungbe]

been raining all day and it’s rather hard for me to stay productive when my brain automatically thinks that this kind of weather is justification enough to slack off a little. jeez

also, i finally upgraded my desk! it’s still the same table i’ve been using (i really didn’t want to purchase another one) but i got a bigger wooden counter top to put over it to increase my workspace a little :D

[mungbe]

Why is it so hard to simply say “I love myself”?

Unconditionally

For no reason at all

[mungbe]

11.10.20 / i spent the morning flipping through a japanese translation of the hobbit because i had a dream about the person who gifted it to me a long time ago. that set the ruminative mood of the day. right now i’m trying to consolidate research i’ve done throughout the week for my historical fiction wip. overall, my weekend has been peaceful. how’s your sunday going? hope you’re well ♡

[mungbe]

I don’t know what I want

I get into this weird phase where I get really scared of facing reality. Then I binge watch movies. Or it’s because I binge watch movies that I get really scared of facing reality.

Real reality is really boring. And to be honest, boring is great.

Not having COVID-19 is great. Not having the scare of COVID-19 is great. Not needing to quarantine is great. Reading exciting but sometimes hellishly boring papers are great. Boring is great.

Boring is safe and I want more boring. I do not want stress in my life. I do not want to work hard and push people away. I do not want to have to babysit younger people in my life just because I might want to be a good teacher or some nonsense like that. I do not. I don’t. 

But maybe I do. I don’t like having to teach people stuff. I don’t like having to teach stuff and have ungrateful people just scoop it from under me. I don’t.. I don’t know. I don’t want to fight for things I work hard at. Because that also means i have to work hard at something, I can’t just do it for fun. I have to do it for real. And that is pressure, and scary, and also I don’t know, I don’t know if I can do that alone. 

And I am alone. At the end of the day, I’m alone and I have to rely on myself. I’m not sure this is something I want to do. Maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve tried hard once, and that turned up spectacularly bad. That turned out to be spectacularly awful. I can actually half-ass my way through my PhD and I’d be totally fine. 

Do I want that?

I would very much like that. I would love to have no meaning to my life. I WANT A BORING LIFE. I WANT IT. I want to want it. 

[mungbe]

Today I Don’t Feel Like Talking To You

That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I really do. I do. I love you so much. 

But at the moment, I’m trying to sort out something. Something I’m not even sure is what. Just a roller coster of unidentifiable emotions. 

I know I’ll be kind of hot and cold, because I can’t control how I’m feeling right now. And you don’t deserve this crazy hot and cold me. It’s not nice to receive this. I don’t do this to my friends, and I certainly don’t want to do it to you. 

So just be a little patient with me today. Either my feelings settle, or I miss you too much and it’ll overpower whatever instability in emotions that I have, and I’ll come straight to you. Mostly likely it’ll be a combination of both. Hah. 

I love you so much. Thank you every day for being in my life. 

(I’m probably just PMSing.. which is also not nice to be on the receiving end of)

[mungbe]

Breathe.

sometimes things feel like they are falling apart you just have to breathe and hold on and ride it out

[mungbe]

1.3 seconds

It is a long weekend in Germany. It started off with Father’s Day (for Europe). The corona situation had somewhat lightened up and everyone eagerly looked forward to going home, seeing family, celebrating Father’s Day, or taking a fun trip with childhood friends to a nearby scenic place. But I have nowhere to go.

It is on these days that being an expatriate really. really. sucks. 

Being an international has many benefits. You learn new languages. You experience new cultures. You gain new perspectives. You meet new people. You become really independent. You grow exponentially.  

You are also extremely alone. And it is on these days that you feel it the most. 

There is a Chinese poem, “Thoughts on a Quiet Night” (静夜思) by Li Bai (701–762) that comes to mind. I remember learning this poem when I was in primary school, and feeling the quiet sadness even then. Now living ~12,000 km (I Google mapped) away from home, I realise that loneliness really has not changed over the centuries.  

床前明月光 Moonlight streams ahead

疑是地上霜 Revealing perhaps frost on the ground?

举头望明月 I catch sight of the moon above head

低头思故乡 Nostalgia sets in as I lower my gaze

The moon is the same moon I saw in Japan when my grandfather died. Tonight I look at the same moon and think of my family. The huge time difference means I cannot call them so easily, especially on lonely nights like these. So I sit here and think. 

Of them, my family. Of my parents and grandparents getting older and weaker every time I see them. Of my friends who I grew up with. Of the sacrifices I made. Of the life I left behind.

Sometimes I feel guilty and selfish for choosing to leave and to go after what I want. I am lucky that I have a big family, and that my extended family members have taken over my familial responsibilities. I am truly blessed that I am one of those few people who can emotionally and financially afford to walk my own path. Not many get that. 

But also, on the flip side, not many are happy to stay either. In that sense, I am also so lucky to have family, friends, and a life that made me sad to leave behind. 

So now I am both sad and happy. Perhaps this is what life is supposed feel like. A constant duality of sad-and-happy, guilt-and-gratitude, and fear-and-excitement as I pave the lonely road to my future. 

Or maybe I am just being dramatic. 

*Note: 1.3 seconds refers to the time moon light takes to reach us on Earth. 

[mungbe]

Season finale of your life?

I’ve been watching an American office comedy-drama tv series recently. It’s called the Bold Type, a pun on fonts since the girls work at a magazine. It’s a pretty relevant, sensitive, sometimes poignant, but also fun piece. 

In every episode we are introduced to important issues, immaturity, concerns that the girls face whether in life, work, relationships, health, etc and by the end of the episode some sort of resolution is reached and all (or most) is well. 

I stopped watching American TV shows in favour of Korean or Chinese dramas. So it’s been a while since I saw issues and concerns wrap up nicely in a 45 minute sitting. In some ways, life and problems being packaged into neat little episodes was so weird. At the same time, it was also very elegant and thought-provoking, with issues needing to be condense to their core, it often quickly highlighted important points and gave clear and often simple resolutions. Maybe it’s because I haven’t watched American TV shows in ages, but I found the writing very clever and well thought out. 

Life is definitely not packaged into convenient little episodes. Still, it was nice to see life in this perspective. When things are summarised, it also allows for easier comparison. Speaking of which, it is also intriguing how comparisons could often be made between the girls. Yet, it was clear this comparison was not one the producers wanted to draw. The message I got in the end was that these were three different girls, sometimes their narratives overlapped, resembled one another’s, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I did wish the producers used comparison, merely as a story-telling tool, to drive home a point. However, I also appreciate the decision not to, making the series more real. 

It’s also interesting to see how the seasons were packaged as well. **SPOILER** The first season ended with Jane moving to a new company, Sutton breaking up with her boyfriend, and Kat taking a chance to chase after a girl. The second season ended with Jane writing a piece that culminated in her boss losing control of the digital section of the magazine, Sutton getting back with her boyfriend, and Kat losing her girlfriend. Interestingly, season 3 opens up with a very interesting premise – a new young gay man as head of digital, who at first Jane (who often plays the role of our inner judgey bitch) hates on the pure belief that a man should not be heading a department of a feminist magazine (which is in turn, very sexist). We learn that this man is actually a very capable and smart boss, with a good heart. Still, it irks me how he has very little EQ (hah, where have I seen that before?) and at least on the surface seems not very understanding. I just started season 3, so I’m really excited to see where this goes. 

I don’t particular know where I’m going with this train of thought. I just kind of also wondered, what if we looked at our lives like seasons of a tv show? What would be your season finale? What would be your season opening?  I guess everybody’s series arc right now is COVID-19. That story will also be different for everyone. It’s up to you to decide what kind of story you’d want your life to tell once your season is over....and whether you want to set it up for an even better season? ;) 

[mungbe]

2:46pm // in between experiments, perfect for trying to complete lab reports.

[mungbe]

12:49pm // Summarising my notes for midterms this friday :) Doing my studying in my bed today :)