my-world-in-silence

[my-world-in-silence]

So moved by this. Love always meets me when I need it most. Thankful. Blessed. ❤ Thank you, Twinsie @iviehcabadin, for exerting effort to get this cake to me. Was so surprised. I love and miss all of you. 😙🤗 https://www.instagram.com/p/CN6srR-hb3p/?igshid=1bkx1t9s5l1fp

[my-world-in-silence]

If Only...

If I could have just put myself in a really long coma, I would have done that. It is God alone who keeps me afloat. If it were not for Him, who knows if I could ever survive anything? Time and time again, I’d have to battle and survive this feeling of not seeing any reason to go on. The thought that I always fail... myself... and in the process, other people. I often find myself inching myself out of deep gloom. Fighting to remain rational. Fighting to get through another episode... one which I rather not have to go through... ANYMORE.

Yet, God supplies me with strength. He carries me through. He sends help.

I wish for a better year, better days. Not as I will, though, but as He wills. Trusting that all He has for me is good. That even in the toughest times, His intention for me is good. Only, I gotta keep choosing to believe His Heart. I gotta keep holding fast to Him as I trust that He is holding on to me tightly. He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. My hope is in Him. My life is His. 

[my-world-in-silence]

I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human.

Lately, I’ve been wasting hours just staring blankly at nowhere. And, then, waste another hours pacing. Waste more time lost in my thoughts. Waste even more time refusing to feel. I’m exhausted. So drained. Sadly, there is no pause in living.

[my-world-in-silence]

My innermost desire...

I want people to trust me, despite anything they might have heard about me. And more important than that, I want them to know me. Who I really am inside. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, I want them to know and see the real me. I want them to get past whatever rumors that reached them... how others maliciously spoke about me. I wish people to see beyond my mistakes, weaknesses, limitations... even beyond my strengths, capabilities, faith...

Who does not want to be really known? I am still discovering more about myself, in fact. I can't yet be defined. Just as everything else can't yet be defined. People and things are all work in progress. I am. But I wish to be known for at least what and how I am in the current. Not what and how I used to be. Especially, not as the person who was still in error and drowning. That was me from the previous past episodes. I have evolved. I am wiser, better, and kinder today than yesterday. I have learned. This is what I wish for people to seek to know about.

[my-world-in-silence]

~ My Green Room ~: Trust in the Lord with all Your Heart

[my-world-in-silence]

Today and the Past Days...

I've been thinking of changing my name to “Dory The Fish” since I have the same amnesiac disorder. Still I get to wonder how the world is doing.

[my-world-in-silence]

For Future Reference

I’m a self-sufficient adult ...and abandonment no longer means the end of my life like it used to years back.

[my-world-in-silence]

A little detail of my inner life...

When I look deeply within myself, I realize what it is that I really want from others: attentive ears that listen to what I am saying, kind words that acknowledge my existence and worth, gentle eyes that accept my flaws and insecurities. ...I resolve to be that person for those around me. Last year, I gave my word to God that I will strive to not demand from the world that which are basic human needs such as appreciation, acknowledgement, commendation, and more. Rather, I’d keep choosing to contribute what I can. It’s never easy. The need cries from within and it is often not easy to ignore.

Still, I try harder to commit to that word. Not because I am trying to prove I am a person who honors my word, but because I believe that this is one of the ways I can love as describe in 1 Corinthians 13. As instructed and exemplified by Christ. Am I all the time successful? No. I let God do His work in me. I didn’t pray telling God I will do what I said I wanted to do because I am completely sure I can do it with exertion and strong will. I prayed that prayer because only by His grace that I can do that. I need God to enable and help me love as defined in His Word. And I trust that He is continuing His good work in me. I am getting better day by day with ever increasing glory whether I see it with my own eyes or not. I trust not the changes I see in me, but the One Who has a track record of fulfilling every good plan He said He will do for those whose faith and hope is placed in Him. This gives me peace.

[my-world-in-silence]

Hold Still

I was such a quiet kid, so shy and calm and in my own head. Of course I knew about being sad. Maybe that's the reason I saved all the things I thought were pretty.

[my-world-in-silence]

My journey so far...

I’m learning to make things nice for myself. Slowly building myself a home with things I like. Colors that calm me down, a plan to follow when things get dark, a few people I try to treat right. I don’t sometimes, but it’s my intent to do so. I’m learning. 

I am learning...to comfort my own heart when I wake up sad. To find small bits of friendship in a crowd full of strangers. To find a small moment of joy in whatever situation.

Because there are truths nobody tells you. You gotta learn and know them by yourself. No matter how long you wait, no one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.

I’ve learned and proved that Jesus is more than enough. My heart attained a certain level of contentment knowing that I am loved and accepted just as I am. And I am not being forced to change. I am being shown how more beautiful I can become if some ugly stuff get removed from me. Then, the desire to be better come naturally. Through all these years, I had never seen a love as pure and perfect than what Jesus has drowned me in. What else can I ask for?

It’s my birthday, and I shall rejoice because I know how far God has brought me in this life. 

[my-world-in-silence]

Our culture has become an arms race of nastiness. I refuse to do it!

This is Me

[my-world-in-silence]

Kiro is 10! A day after his natal day (April 5). 🐕🎂 https://www.instagram.com/p/B-oLCnMBYbw/?igshid=1keahpjh3de0i

[my-world-in-silence]

My Thoughts Spoken by Another

The reason why the world is a difficult place to live in, is due to the fact that people are not interested in people. Nobody is truly interested in anybody; they are only interested in the parts that they think will be pleasurable and comfortable for them to get to know. People don't want to know what you're afraid of, what kind of dreams you have at night, what your eyes look like when you laugh and when you hurt... people want to receive perfect gifts and other people are supposed to be those perfect gifts! But then none of us are those perfect gifts. All of us are real on the inside but then people want what's not real... so how is the world supposed to work, that way? I want to know what's real in people, and in me. And it's hard to be this way, because nobody else is.

[my-world-in-silence]

...and because I feel that I need to be healthy plus I love coffee ❤️☕... this one is for me! Healthy Greens Superfoods (Coffee) Probiotic & Enzyme Blend. Need-to-be-healthy means eating what I don't like namely — vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, parsley, and many more. So this is a huge help. 😛 It particularly helps me improve digestion, burn fat, and boost my immune system at the same time. It's also packed with antioxidants. ^_^ . @terraorigin #FeaturedToday #TerraOrigin #GreenSuperFoods #Probiotic #Coffee #Reviewer #ProductTester #ProductReviewer #ProductTesting #Freebies #ProductReview #GotItFree #FreeSamples #TryBeforeYouBuy https://www.instagram.com/p/B25zvrYh_ds/?igshid=13wo256pqe81k

[my-world-in-silence]

Early morning musing

Could it be that people were all fashioned to search for and find something? And that the point of life's journey wasn't merely “the search”; but rather the transformation the search creates? That all human beings were equipped to live through something instead of to simply attain something. And that the thing they were meant to live through was forged to change them from within and out. That the point of their individual stories which make up a bigger story is the character arc ― the change.

Being mindful causes me to see deeper than what is on the surface. I started to understand there are so much in life than just working hard to achieve something only because that’s what the society dictates. People are becoming more and more preoccupied with things that don’t really matter. They go by the dictates of the world compelling them to do more and be-better-than... Else, they’ll end up insignificant. These days, no one matters anymore just for being human. Just for the fact that they are alive. That isn’t enough for one to be “relevant”. To be of importance, a person has to be “someone”. When, in fact, every one is already someone given that they are living souls. Each one has a role to play. Everyone is a member of the human race. Each waking moment, I get to realize even more how just by being given another day, I am allowed to continue my journey. To find some purpose why I am still needed today. I serve some purpose. The search isn’t a far-fetched pursuit. Nor is it a long-term aim. In fact, there is no searching, but only finding. For as I live every moment, I get to find something that adds meaning and substance into my being. And that is enough. Mindfulness allows me to see that more than attaining some stuff or an ambition, there are these small events which many get to treat as frivolous. When, really, these seemingly of-less-importance moments are pivotal in reaching their highest potentials. Too many people live recklessly; unwary of the consequences of their choices and actions long as they continue climbing up the ladder of success. What’s sad is, they think that is bringing them happiness and a sense of fulfillment. When the truth is, it’s only taking their focus off the things that are of greater value and eventually will cause them pain.    

Living mindful of even the smallest matters helps me to understand myself better and where I am in the journey. It restrains my seeking bent. Causing me to pay attention, not only to some long-term, ambitious pursuit. I get to take notice of where I need to improve and what improvement has actually taken place. I get to take notice of all the gifts I’ve already been given through people and everything I see around. These things are of real worth. Because the value is placed back on me as a living soul instead of what adornments attached to my exterior. I now can appreciate myself better for how God designed me and not as how the society prescribes I should be before I can be considered significant. And being confident in this way pulls me away from exhausting ventures just because of the need for acceptance and applause. I may not have met the standard specified by the world, but I have come to a place of peace and rest knowing that my value can never be taken from me. I have it regardless of whatever determinants the society asserts. Indeed, no one and nothing can define me. Not even I can define myself. Nor have I the right to do so. I may. People may. But, that definition has no weight before God Who formed and designed me. I rest in the truth that I am precious because God loves me. And my seeking ended right there when He found me and brought me under His care and sovereignty. I now live my life free from the endless chasing of the wind. So, I journey light. Picking up only what will be useful for my pilgrimage. Disregarding what will only cause encumbrance along the way. I will keep choosing to maintain this peace for I want and need nothing more than this. And I wish for the world the same.

[my-world-in-silence]

Radiating a twinkle of eternity

I strive daily to live and walk in such a way that those who know me but do not know God will come to know God for the very reason that they know me. There is nothing more I desire than to make Jesus known. For people to see Him still walking here on Earth through people, like myself, who represent Him with integrity, sincerity, and purity of intention. Of course, this is not an easy thing to strive for. After all, I am just like every one else with countless battles to win every day. And with flaws and imperfections, I often fail. Yet, not for these reasons that I am seen disqualified by my Heavenly Father. Which is something grand to be thankful and grateful for. He deems my role important though I am not really needed. He can do all without any help coming from me. I can even refuse to participate in His work and He can still succeed. How amazing that He rather wants me part of His work, nevertheless! I look at His amazing grace and it makes me grow in compassion. My eyes see the struggles of others because I, myself, struggle. This same grace humbles me to not look down on anyone who keeps failing. Even those who seem to have no desire to change. I am convinced that every person is trying their best. Groping. Clueless of what lies ahead. What they might stumble upon along the way. In the dark. I was once there. But Light came and became the Lamp unto my feet, and which lights my path. There is nothing I can boast about except that I know God and that He loves me with an unqualified love. And I wish for the world to find the same bright Light that keeps me from stumbling. That they will embrace this Light that leads to a better place. May this striving of mine be ever empowered by God that I may live every today serving Him well.

[my-world-in-silence]

Every now and then

Sometimes it all becomes too much. My body and mind just give way. Part of me wants to blissfully fade into nothing, though I never do. After a while all the memories and emotions make me shut down but never fully disappear. It’s safer for me this way — to be excluded. It’s a time to be alone, to heal, and to find myself (again). My passion. My zeal. It doesn’t mean I’ve given up or stopped trying. It just means I somehow know it's what's best for me for the moment.

I forgot how to breathe, but I’m learning all over again.