myexhaustedmonth

[myexhaustedmonth]

roots // versus

soundtrack: electric feel - MGMT

I feel like I’ve gone back to my roots. I always thought something was wrong with me in my past relationships. I would always get so bored of people. I liked them, but I was never really interested in committing to someone for a long period of time - until I did.

//

I’ve got to say, looking back, I hate myself in a relationship. I don’t know if it was the mental torture I went through that made me so horribly clingy - that’s another story for another day - but Jesus. I lost so much of myself that I’m starting to find again. So much of my love, energy, and time was devoted to you that I’m now channeling much more productively. I was just thinking about my future today - which I do quite often now because it’s quite ambiguous and that’s occasionally very terrifying to me - and I realized how it just involves me. And how much more exciting that makes it for me. I don’t have any other feelings but my own to take into consideration. And honestly, I like that. I feel parts of old self-coming through. I lost her for a second, but she’s back.

//

Honestly, this is single me trying to love being single. Relationships are great, sure, but I love my mindset right now. For a while, I felt like I didn’t know how to function without someone giving me attention and now I’ve realized that’s bullshit, and I don’t fucking need that. I’m starting to get bored - I don’t want to answer the texts or messages anymore. Y’all are all the same and it’s getting on my mood.

//

Single me vs. relationship me has been on my mind today. So far, single me is winning. BUT - I won’t be single forever. So I need to remember how I’m feeling right now. I need to apply part of single me to relationship me. I need to remember to take care of myself and love myself. So whenever I decide to hop on that train again - wish me fucking luck - I don’t end up losing myself again.

[myexhaustedmonth]

ruined // part 1

soundtrack - Magic - Coldplay

I sat upright in a skirt that came to a reasonable length. With my legs crossed, and my hair pulled back tight, I fuddled with the pages of my notebook out of boredom. 

“There she is.”

Your voice stunned me. I looked up, and your near-black eyes through your glasses made my skin crawl. You stood in front of me, all six feet of you, and looked down on me sitting on the sofa. The lights overhead left shadows under your eyes and lips that kept your face looking even more disturbing than before.

“Can I sit with you?”

Before I could answer, he took a seat. He sat uncomfortably close to me. It was completely silent with the exception of an elderly woman shaking and humming in her chair across the room. Her back was toward us. 

He put one arm around me and the other on my thigh. I looked around for anyone to notice. 

“I know you,” he said under his breath, keeping his eye on the woman in the chair. “You’re not like everyone else. I see me in you,” His eyes shifted back towards me.

I slowly turned towards him, “what do you mean?”

“How long have you been with him?”

“A few years,” I said quietly. He thought for a moment. 

“I’m just going to tell you a fact: monogamy isn’t realistic. Everyone thinks they need to stay with one person for the rest of your life, and it never works.”

“I believe in it,” I said abruptly.

He looked at me intently. “Do you?”

There was a moment of comfortable silence. I’ve never been asked that, yet I replied so quickly as if I had. Like I had assessed all my options. Wait, there are options? I almost feel as if I’ve been conditioned to think that there was only one. Because it’s the right thing? Because that’s what everyone around me does? Do I actually believe in that? 

“Don’t you feel tempted sometimes?” Doesn’t it get boring? Can you honestly say he satisfies you?” He said it in such a way like he already knew the answers. He moved closer to me. 

I sat silent again, and I couldn’t admit that he didn’t. I loved him, but he didn’t. I looked at the woman with her back turned hoping she could read my mind and come over to us. I didn’t like the idea of questioning something about myself that I thought I was always sure of. 

“I thought so,” he began. “I could satisfy you, you know. I know I’m much older, and I couldn’t please you forever... But, the great thing about not being dedicated to just me is that you could have multiple partners. You could fuck anyone. I’d just like to watch is all. That’s my fantasy. That’s where I see us. You leave him, we get out of here, and you live with me. I would make you feel things you’ve never felt before. Wouldn’t you like that?”

I felt sick. The lights were fucking bright. Your hand was clenching my thigh. The woman left at some point. Where was everyone?

“In the back, there’s a little room up the stairs with nothing but a lamp and sofa. It’s perfect. There’s so much you’ve never experienced. Let me show you.”

His lip touched the bottom of my ear and I jumped. I still couldn’t respond, I just stared back into his eyes, the most terrifying eyes I had ever looked into. They were so dark, just like his intentions. 

I moved away from him and continued to play with the pages in my notebook. I stressfully grabbed the back of my neck and rested my chin on my shoulder. 

“You’ll understand soon.”

[myexhaustedmonth]

temporary // future

soundtrack: Young - Frankie Cosmos

I haven’t cried for a while. Like I mentioned before, I’ve been trying to have no expectations with anyone. Mostly because no one has ever given me any reason to expect anything positive, so I decided to stop doing that. Generally, I’ve been really emotion-less - things that should make me cry, haven’t. I’ve just dealt with it. It’s honestly been great. And I’m gonna try to keep that going for the most part - but I think there’s only so many times people can blatantly show you that you're not good enough before it breaks you. The amount of rejection and one-sidedness I’ve experienced in the last few months is unbelievably discouraging and heartbreaking. 

//

I remember when I first met him. I had never in my life seen a more perfect human being. I always felt like I didn’t deserve to know him, even to this day. And maybe that’s why I understood why our brief yet reoccurring interactions were only temporary. I understood why he would want someone better. I always understand with everyone. I’m an exciting thought at first, but it never lasts. Maybe it’ll last two weeks, two months, two years. Either way, I think I finally know better. But it still hurts to see that no one is thinking about you. Literally, no one. They’re thinking about someone prettier, funnier, cooler - ultimately someone that is not you. I think that’s why I’ve always tried too hard to be someone else, and why I continue to struggle to define myself.

//

Anyway, that was a lot of years ago when I first met you, and regrettably so. Ever since then, I’ve been just so reluctant to jump back in and temporarily fill your void whenever you need me to. I almost feel like I have no control over it most of the time. It’s so fucking pathetic. 

//

It was 5am, and I abruptly decided to just drive home. I knew that I would only be relevant for a short period of time, and the next day, I wouldn't matter. Not that I ever did. And though I used to live for those brief moments where I pretended like I was something good, I can’t do it anymore. I’ve put myself in this same situation too many times. I thought I let it go, but I was in such a vulnerable place that I lost all of my good sense. When you’re feeling like nothing, it seems like a good idea to run to the closest person who could possibly change that. For a moment, I feel pretty, relevant, sexy, or just good, but in the end - it’s not fucking worth it. 

//

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re going to be temporary for someone, but in those moments where you fucking know, and they pretty much flat out say you are, and you just go with it like you don’t care just to try and make yourself feel wanted for just a goddamn second - those are the saddest moments for me. 

//

I had a month or so where I sought attention from anyone that would give it to me. I was so insecure and lonely that I felt like I needed that, but it ultimately made everything so much worse for my self-esteem. I’ve realized what I really need is to just focus on myself. I know, such a typical thing single people say to justify not having someone, something people always tell you to boost your mood. “Focus on you, girl.” But anyway, I finally believe that’s necessary for me at this moment. I need to find happiness outside of other people. Outside of compliments, outside of expectations that are never met, outside of temporary interactions. I need to look at myself in the mirror and love myself first so that I can truly believe that someone can love me back. I need to love my surroundings. Right now, I don’t love either of those.

//

Honestly, I don’t think my future is here and I don’t think I’ll be spending it with anyone I’ve already met. I tend to keep going back to people I’ve already dated that just make me feel horrible most of the time. All I know is, I’m going to embrace this time getting to know myself and loving myself. I’ve got ambitions and dreams and places I want to go. And I’m not letting anyone overcomplicate that for me. 

[myexhaustedmonth]

hangover // expectations

soundtrack: Back To Your Love - Night Riots

Very hungover currently - been wretching my guts out all morning. I’ve been drinking far too much, actually. Always tequila. Always regretful. I feel like shit, but today, something’s different.

//

I’ll just share on how I’ve had an odd (for me) and pretty negative mindset on a variety of things lately. Particularly, love. I guess I’m currently choosing to not believe in it. Which is funny, because I feel it all the time. I guess I should say I’m just choosing to disregard the permanence of it. I love so deeply, and I always expect that in return. And then I’m so hurt when it’s not reciprocated or when that feeling fades. So I’ve learned that if I don’t expect anything - I don’t hurt. That’s the key.

//

For a second, I was sad. I was in the middle of a conversation, and those words stunned me. I felt my chest tighten and my eyes started to water. And then I was pissed off at myself. Why? Because I expected something. I expected everything to be different. Why did I expect anything? I don’t know, I guess because it’s been a few years, because timing will be better this time, because you have to change eventually, right? I just sulked the next few days. I cried periodically and checked my phone too often for texts that weren’t there and overthought everything. 

//

But today, I’ve adopted a new outlook that I think will make me happier - just don’t expect anything. Don’t expect someone to love you just because you love them, don’t expect someone to care, don’t expect everyone to think like you - because they’re not you. I want to choose how I feel. I want to choose how to react. So I tested it.

//

When you touched me, I didn’t have a fucking heart attack like before. I noticed it, but I didn’t let it consume me. When you said some things that would’ve typically made my stomach turn, I just accepted it. It’s the situation. There’s only what’s real. I realize now I just needed to stop creating idealistic situations in my head and expecting them to come true. I can't control another person's emotions and feelings towards me. I can't expect those feelings to always be positive just because I want them to be.

//

I’m not completely opposed to the idea of loving someone forever - but if it crashes and burns, then it crashes and burns. And I’ll be okay.

My head feels so heavy as I lay here, and my hangover is hating the amount of white light shining in this bedroom, but it almost feels symbolic. I feel bright, I feel excited, I feel wild, I feel intentional, I feel bold. I feel like myself. 

[myexhaustedmonth]

seclusion // january

soundtrack: St. Patrick - Crywolf

Today, it was so foggy out. I was at work and walked by the window and it honestly looked like it was snowing. It reminded me of a day when I wore flats to work and it was one of my first days working early mornings. I walked out at 12pm and noticed it was snowing. I ran through the snow and my feet were frozen. I went home and I felt so relaxed to have the entire day to myself for once. I was used to coming home to you in the evening.

//

I think it was January. It was lovely to have some time to myself to get things done. I had never gotten off so early before. Every single day, home at noon or so. I’d do homework, have lunch, watch HGTV, get a shower, and then after hours and hours, I’d finally see you for the day. Unfortunately, I was done for the night by the time you got home. It was like that a lot of nights. After so many months of that routine, I realized how I spent nearly every day alone.

//

This morning at work, I stood by the window and thought of that moment in the snow and how that day was the start of my seclusion. I looked around me and noticed no one. No managers, no other employees, just me. I remember starting out, I was always swarmed by customers or associates, with blinding spotlights hitting my eyes and loud music blaring. Now, it was so dark and quiet. I didn’t really realize how lonely my job was. And then I realized how lonely my home life was too, because of that job. 

//

After a while, I didn’t really have the tv on anymore. It was always so quiet in the house. I found myself hardly awake for most of the day. I didn’t have any texts from you anymore, you usually ignored me. So did everyone else. I didn’t have much contact with people. Everything got so boring and mundane, it was just existential horror to drag myself through it. I felt like you always hated that I slept so much, but that was usually why. I just didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore, because my thoughts were terrifying me. Sometimes my body would go numb and my heart would race when I did wake up. It almost felt like agony to feel my eyes open and my reoccurring, terrifying thoughts creep back around in my skull. Everything was real - the silence, the loneliness, the pain I felt in my entire body. I kept drowsy allergy pills in the nightstand or my purse and usually took them every day to pass out. Sometimes I just needed to escape the depression. It started to take over me. I remember you saying you didn’t realize how sad I was, but that’s just a bit of a glimpse into what used to be my every day. Of course I would cry as well. I cried so much in that chair in the corner, in the dead silence. Sometimes I would let the house get dark and just sit there and scream. Sometimes I had panic attacks and I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to die. Sometimes I felt like leaving and going to a hospital because I was scared for myself. I was scared of what I would do to get rid of that feeling of impending doom. It’s the worst feeling, to feel like you’d rather die than experience that pain in your body anymore. I usually dragged myself to bed quite early. I remember it being dark and staring at the little light that was left coming through the window. Just a white box. I always cried very quietly. Once, I heard your footsteps walk down that hallway into the bedroom, and for a second I thought, “Did he hear me crying?” but I think you were just making sure I was asleep, though I wasn’t. It pained me to hear your footsteps walk away back out into the living room where I felt like you lived away from me. So I took some pink pills and drifted off to dreams that were always inevitably better than my life.