myhardtruths

[myhardtruths]

4 reality is setting in

Today is October 21

As much as I hate to admit it I really do wish this world moved slower I'm not ready for the harsh reality of life.

I already started my application process to RMC which is pretty terrifying to be honest. Soon I will need to apply to all the university's I am still living the lie that I am going to get into one of these universities praying that by the skin of my teeth they accept me. But I know that probably won't happen . I was doing good until my last tests rolled around, I don't know what happened I can't belive it myself. How could I allow this all to happen. I had such a good start but everything fell apart. I need to keep living the lie because i know i need to get into a universitie i have no choice I need to be successful but with my current grades I don't know where I wil end up. I know I will be regretting these decisions in many years from now or even next year but for some reason my retarded ass doesn't seem to understand how to get around this.

You know what might help me get through this... a friend .. but wait a minute I don't have any of those so I guess I'm on my own. To be honest i probably should have gotten used to it by now, since elementary I have always been a outcast a regret. But the kicker is how my mom wants me to go out to prom with a girl. I mean maybe if I was social in Grade 9 I would have a shot but right now the WY I see it is everyone has all their friend groups well established and I won't be able to break the barrier that is what their friendships are on.

Speaking about my mother, while doing some applications I found out more about my background and the place I was born. I can't bring myself to read threw all of the details of it, I will assume it's my emotional protection from the truth. Maybe the truth hurts too much I don't know. But maybe soon I will muster the course to see what actually happened to my birth parents. Maybe someday, maybe that will be my way of joining them, saying my final goodbye. I don't know... what I do know is right now I need to Loco into school I need 90s and can barely get 80s. I am sad to admit it I envy those that get 80s with ease. As long as I get over a 85 avg I know I should be OK but getting their is so dark challenging for me, maybe it's cause I'm lazy maybe because I don't care I don't know. Everyone always compliments my intellect but these days I don't know maybe I'm starting to doubt that too. i have this thing that I need to go into engineering for some reason but i dont know even if i get in will i make it. I mean, I tell myself I will but who doesn't. I don't know maybe I will figure everything out but all I know is that has to happen fast like within one month or else i will get screwed time doesnt stip no matter hoe much i wish t could. Its like the sea, waves keep plowing into the shore drowing me. I guess its up to me weather or not i will drown. But I don't think I'll survive but I know I need to but deep down I know I'm faking it all.

[myhardtruths]

3 Sept 26

Today was a very very interesting day to say the least whilst in one of my classes my friend brought up therapy sessions in dms and for some stupid reason one whom I can not explain. I immediately went to a server and started my full-time discord job of being a advisory person for people in need. Deep down I think I hope if I can solves other people's issues it might increase my emotional maturity or solve mine as well.

I referred that same friend (and yes it's the same one in post 2) a few people whom were having issues in a simular retrospect to him. He has some pretty impressive abilities now i know deep down this is all so we can open up to each othe. I think I have to logic thar if i get him to help me help others at some point I can have him work on me. Then I'll try to help him. Now that's the theory or something which hes is prety retarded but idk what im doing with my life right noe so why not.

I am currently studying for my chemistry test I have tomorrow I should be fine considering how much time I put into it but I don't know.

On another note I did my driving lesson today and in my opinion did very well, we tested the ALB systems and practiced gravel shoulder recovery / head on coliseum avoidance which was pretty cool. I hope I will be ready and pass that driving test because I'd I don't I will definitely be back here yapping about it. Yes it's very imparting to me.

My parents are also talking about a trip to Cuba with one of my ________ named _____ you know since I was young I always kind of liked her I would ________ ___ _______ and I would love it. Unfortunately time goes way too fast and those days are long gone. Speaking on the basis of people I like / things that ________ I need to talk more about that at some point which I definitely hope to do.

I know this was very short but not much to yap about I suppose

[myhardtruths]

2 September 24/25 ig

So ot looks like I posted my last post on the 24th early in the morning so I guess that's how we are going to do this now... anyway today was a emotional roller coaster to say the least. It had highs it had lows and I felt something I haven't felt in a long long time. Grade 6 was the last unfortunate that came at the probable cause of one of my relationships but it is what it is I suppose

My day started as it always does I wake my sorry ass up and drag myself out of bed and into the shower, take a 30m shower followed by getting my shit together and leaving for school. I was slightly ahead of schedule today so that's good I guess. I saw my friend and we took our bus to McDonald's for the morning coffee. Now ill be it i was a bag of shit in the morning and i had little sleep but i digress. Chemistry was fun today we used marshmellows and toothpicks to illustrate a stupidly annoying concepts that I still do not fully understand. Speaking of which I need to get that under control for my upcomming test. I need a 95% avrage to get anywhere inife so I seriously need to lock in. Or else I'll fail like _______ knows I will.

Aside from that I had work today I got called a unprofessional ignorant minimum wage worker who will amount to nothing in life. So that was my positivity motivation for the day.

Ok now I'm going to go onto the stuff that I seriously have been avoiding. Today I sent a couple of message to a friend about a secret that I said I knew. Deep down I just wanted him to open up to me so I could do the same. I feel like we have more in common then we think but given his track record I don't know if I can or even should trust him.... anyway it gave me a rise of need and importance when he was demanding to know what I was talking about 'knowing his secret etc'. Now in relation in grade three there was a kid named ___ now for some reason I still don't know I had some sort of obsession with him. I was yurning for his attention I'd make notes of people bullying me and give it to him. write him notes abkut how my life sucks etc now this kid was 2 years older then me but for some reason I felt the need to tiptoe as close as I could to him without getting caught. Weather that be saying I want to fight him for the adrenaline rush or try to kick to a soccer ball at him I loved the rush. The butterfly in my stomach..... now for some reason when I sent that message to my friend about knowing his secret i felt the same rush as i did before it was exacerbating i haven't felt that since grade 6. Now I don't know what this means but it feels weird. Almost like I know I want to be his close friend but im just stuck on the edge of the circle and begging for attention. I dont know. But I am smart enough to know that it probably strained our already unstable 'friendship'. You know what's funny. u wanted to share this account and blog with him but after writing this there's no way in hell that im going t be showing this to him.

Anyway I have to go back to reading a textbook maybe I'll survive the upcoming day on even less sleep

Till next time

[myhardtruths]

1. Sep 24, 2024

Now, I'm going to start by saying, I'm not good at talking about my feelings or really about anything deep so I guess I was Inspired by a distant friend to start this thing. I guess this will be where all my illiterate bullshit, all the thoughts I want to say but can't, all my feelings I want to hide and never find again will go.

Im not gonna lie im not too sure where to start. Right now I'm drowning in stress and realization, I have massive aspirations but no motivation. I feel like a walking zombie. I'm taking decent classes and doing well to start, but I know it's too good to be true... nothing I typically do works out for all that long. My friend thinks I can pull through but I don't know. With all my jobs, _______, and homework, and appointments I'm managing I don't know. I know that it seems like I'm weak and I canf do it and your probably right. It's times like this that I wish I could actually have a friend group to talk to its times like this i wish i were more then some outcast. But I digress. This makes me really think. If I don't live up to the aspirations and goals I told everyone (family, friends) I would live up to I would be nothing but a failure in everyone's eyes. But I got no motivation to do so. I see the big picture but feel powerless to acheive any of my goals, almost like it's meaningless I feel trapped in a void i cant escape. The sad part is i understand what i need to do to get my head in the game but my _____________ keeps pulling me away. I don't think theres much hope. But yet I know I have to find it somewhere to be determined, to succeed.

Today, one of my 'friends' did something very nice for me. They tried to help me with _______ his name is ______ I seriously can't belive it. In all my years of high school, of school in general. I cant think of a time that a peer did something like that for me... not for a birthday or obligation but what I think might be genuine kindness. I'm not sure.

I worked today... I work in ______ _____ I did my best and I feel like I accel at that but not because it's my job. But because it's the only sense of belonging I think I have. Random strangers that spend a couple minutes of their day talking to me. It makes me feel a sense of importance. Maybe that's why I still have that server, a sense of belonging that I am lacking, a sense of importance. Perhaps maybe that's one of the many things in this life that I'm longing for but don't yet dully understand.

Then there are the lies about me such as me being ________ which for the record is false, and weather people belive me or not... I don't really care. Because I've stopped caring, ever since ________ I've had to deal with people bullying me and putting me down. I've grown such a shell around me that I am unphased by the opinions of others though I'm still longing for their validation. So now I just project any issues that rise

Theres a lot more stuff I want to go on about like the people I fantasize about but I don't want to lose. That holds me from revealing certain parts about me.

in summary I think I'm losing myself and it's just the start. There's so much eating at me I need to vent about and I know there's no way I'm telling anyone about this or my feelings so this is the way to go.

Untill next time,