mylandofdarkness

[mylandofdarkness]

[mylandofdarkness]

💯

[mylandofdarkness]

[mylandofdarkness]

The Antagonist of My Life. My Mother.

My mother.. played a HUGE role in my life....

Now don't get me wrong.. things are better between me and her now but with my first 22 years of my life. she's given me hell. I never understood it till later that it was simply because Girls get it more rough than boys. Growing up I NEVER saw my mom lay a finger on him for anything. Instead every single thing I did.. where I was simply just a child THAT DOESNT KNOW ANYTHING... gets a bunch of beatings that she's gonna remember for the rest of her life. I remember crying so much, I remember hiding under a table, hovering in a corner while STILL getting slapped and beaten by my mother.. as I have a meltdown, I even locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. My father had no role.. he wasn't able to do anything . So I'm just backed up in a corner getting hit as my father and brother sit on the side and watch. Like that's not traumatizing? for a Mother to stand there and beat and beat and beat her YOUNG child, daughter that is probably around 6-7 years old.. as she is screaming in pain from getting beaten. what kind of a mother does that. Does this child not have feelings?? Is this child suppose to not feel the pain? WHAT is this teaching the child? AS A CHILD... I was convinced she didn't want me to be happy, I was convinced she found pleasure in beating me every week, talking down on me, discouraging me, telling me all the things I liked was stupid.

So years go by.. all that abuse did something to me. it turned me into an easily agitated teenager, (Gee I wonder where I got that from). And I wasn't going to be those kids that commit suicide because of strict parents or being under pressure. So I got tired from my moms physical abuse one day when I was in mid-high school.

Her abusive hits didn't phase me anymore. Her 'discipline' wasn't going to do shit to me anymore. One Day when she raised her hand at me... I didn't cry, I looked at her dead in the eye... and just walked to my room so I didn't have to hear from her for the rest of the night. Another time where she wanted to give me a word (and a hand) I finally spoke up to her, she was hella surprised. My bro and Dad was surprised too . I said my piece, she told me I was making excuses. I told her it wasn't excuse. I wasn't going to easily back down. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction of ME keeping quiet and crying, and having it end up being a meltdown. I wasn't going to let her be the only crazy one now. She created one... That's on her... And I want her to remember what she started and what she created.

So you see... Because of her I somehow always see the negative in most friendships I make. because I was treated so poorly when I was little, everytime I meet somebody I want to befriend, I would have higher expectations and always oversee a small negative . My mother never taught me how to treat others.. she taught me nothing but pain.

So fast forward to college.. I LIVED AWAY for college.. and it was the greatest 3 years ever. why? cause I was actually away from that toxic household and I was actually able to do what I want on my own. Met lots of cool people, partied, went out, talked to some boys, Figured myself out lots. College was done, I move back.. and yes everything was tense again. Keep in mind I went towards the Media Arts career path.. My mother thought that was a joke. So when it came to finding jobs.... she pestered me LOTS about it and it stressed me out a lot. pressured me into applying for jobs that I didn't find suited for myself. Now yes this is a different stage of my life.. They made me anxious on even finding a job. My mother made me feel like shit. This is where emotional and mental abuse comes in more. and when I finally landed a job at a well known company..

Things switched. I was suddenly the daughter they were proud of o.0 I'm the daughter that works at 'This place' WoW Im the daughter that's going to make a lot of money from this place. ...... That gave my phony vibes. Now that I'm making decent money.. your nice to me?? Now that other companies see my potential, you suddenly see it too?? Nah, you shattered my spirit for 22 years. You've emotionally and mentally brought me down almost everyday for 23 years. I'm not getting my years back.

Because of all this... a part of me resents her for how I ended up as a person. Every moment of hell she gave me, I remember it vividly.

[mylandofdarkness]

Hi there, This is my story.

Not super familiar of tumblr, but I will be using this as my 'not-so-secret' Journaling.

I am a grown adult. Yes. ADULT.

I will try my best to describe this in the most brief way ever... cause this is a long one.

My father is the eldest out of 5 sons... from a considerable MID-class family in V.N (Grandfather was in the army). My mother is the youngest of 5. However she came from a lower class side of V.N and SOMEHOW fell in love with my Dad in Canada. Lived in an apartment, was on welfare apparently. Then my mother got a decent paying job in a whole different province.. My father?... well, lets just say he was limited on good paying jobs at the time.

Out came my big bro . He got it good. Then 3 years after.. I was born. Son first, and Daughter after = perfect combo, ya think? But I didnt get it good. I was the daughter that got the beatings, the talking down to. SO this is completely normal within asian households.. where the girls/daughters are treated more strictly. I HATED that so much. I will rant about that in another post.

This mental and physical abuse treatment went on up until I was in my early 20s . I am now 29 lol. Kinda not long ago, Kinda is?

Anyways this kind of upbringing affected me immensely in other aspects; Friends = don't got much. School = had terrible grades lol Dating/Love? = nah, bc of my abusive upbringing it made me have problems that most people cant tolerate with and I understand why.

Late highschool years, the only good thing my mother let me have are 2 cats😺😸. I loved those cats so much. 1 of them went to heaven because he was sick. Broke me abit. Another post for this lol

Then its time for college... My mom thought College is for dummies. and told me to aim for Uni. Nah I couldn't. Since i did so bad, the only subject I was decent AND interested in is Media Arts. and my mother thought that was a stupid direction to go to =More discouragement.

This post is getting a bit long so I'll just say I actually ended up sticking to the Media Arts industry, and is pretty damn good at what I do so I proved to her that I got in. and doesn't give me that terrible treatment anymore. However this gave me another insight on how I view my mother (+ other family members) Many more posts for that.

Cheers! 🙋‍♀️