mylifethroughmyeyes-ab-blog - Tumblr blog

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‘The key to happiness is to lower your expectations and upgrade your appreciation’.

A beautiful soul told me that.

Words to live by.

@greatsioux

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I am ready for fall

I am ready for the change I know it is going to bring 

you were my summer

and that was okay

but it is not summer anymore

and it is not you anymore 

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The sun is shining

the air is brisk

it is not summer anymore

yet I sdo not put on a coat 

or put away any of my summer clothes

because it is still summer to me

if i refuse to acknowledge summer leaving, maybe with enough hope it will stay

but it never does

this is how i felt when you stopped loving me 

I was not ready to acknowledge your fading existence from my life

but there was nothing i could do to stop it from coming 

or rather leaving

just like the seasons

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TDB

I never loved you and I'm thankful for that. You are not a boy to be in love with you are a boy to be in bed with

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It makes me feel empowered to sleep with someone and enjoy their company and like them. but not be totally in love with them. Thad is a pretty cool guy and I don't regret him. I'm glad I got to know him and in another lifetime maybe we’ll get to know each other better but right now I'm okay with how it ended. We both knew it had to end, but it wasn't a sad ending. I got everything i needed from him. I didn't fall hopelessly in love with him. Sure I had this image of him in my mind but he wasn't that person (they never are) and I am okay with that. I’m happy I got to enjoy my last few days of summer with him and maybe I’ll see him before I go to college and we’ll laugh about how ridiculous we were at this age. We’ll laugh bc we were never serious for each other. That's okay. The moments were amazing and I would love to relive them but I’m also okay that it ended. I do not fall in love with every boy I sleep with (actually I haven't been with any that I’ve loved). And when I think of thad i smile because we had a really fucking good time. but that's all it was and that's okay. I got what I needed and I hope he did too. Overall im just happy with the experience, it was the universe’s gift to me and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel alive. Im sad its over but im so happy it happened. I feel so content. Im still finding myself and sometimes i can do tnat alone but sometimes i need others. I hope I alwasy remember this and can smile. Its better to end things while there good rather than wiat till they get bad and end you too.  

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fate

I realized this summer that fate is there. Certain moments were complete luck. They were put in front of me and they could have been easily missed. They almost slipped through my fingers. But this time I had fate on my side. Every time I have wished for a perfect moment to happen I thought when it did come it would be obvious. But what I found is the exact opposite, those moments seem totally wrong those moments seem so out there that they could not possibly happen. And that is why people often have so little faith in fate. Its tricky and deceiving. but fate cannot work alone. you have to do the work too.. I too often depended on fate for everything. I was not lazy but I expected it all to be brought to me. But when fate puts you in a situation, you have to take that situation and make it your own. Fate can only do so much. It was fate that I saw him that day. but it was me that made a relationship out of it. I thank fate for both of you. Ians fate was like the movies, it fits because thats how i felt for him, like the love you see in the movies. but thad. it was fate that i saw him on tinder, but that is the modern day equivalent to what happens in movies, as for what i felt for him. a shallow love that we most often see in real life. So thank you fate but im also thanking myself.  

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One day

is this what we tell ourselves because it is too hard to say never? Or is one day a hope, a commitment to our future and to ourselves. When do we know that one day is today, or if it is the tomorrow that never happened? I  chose to believe in the “one days” I have to because without the hope of one day I don't think I could live today. I have learned that in life things fall apart and continue to fall apart until all of those pieces come together to create something you could have never imagined, Sometimes, everything just works out when it shouldn't. The universe seems to be created just so this moment could happen and change me into the person I need to be. Just when I think that I know why things are happening, the universe throws me this curve ball, that has been conspiring for months upon months. That all those bad things that happened had been leading up to this. I know in my heart that this is the moment I was meant to live and meant to experience. The universe gave me this moment. It was its little gift to me after all the shit it has put me through. And I will be forever thankful because as this summer came to an end I had a new view on life because of the moments. I don't know if I made all the right choices but i believe the choices made me right. they made me into something that has changed me and I am okay with that. 

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The feeling of in between

I really do try t enjoy my life. I try to be happy and appreciate everything. But most of the time I just feel awkward in my own skin. I feel like there is nothing great about me, I am waiting for something magical to happen (and I guess it kind of did this summer, Ian and Thad gave me something I have never felt before). Its like im watching the world around me and everyone is living their life, but Im trapped and I don't know what to do. I feel empty, I feel like I am never enough. When it comes to school work I am always missing the mark. An A is a 93, I get a 92. There are so many smart people and people with passions and Im just kind of here, empty. and tbh I don't have that many friends. Granite most friends in High school are fake, is it bad to even want fake friends? Im not a loner but I’m just not close with anyone but Graci. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining be Graci and I are actually super close. Maybe having Graci and Ava (a little) is better than having a bunch of fake friends. It just sucks because I see everyone hanging out w their fake friends and having a good time and in my mind I know its all fake but i still want that. I know I should trust God and I need to stop complaining but I still feel empty. I just feel left out. Even Ava forgets about me. Everyoen just forgets me. Im an easily forgotten person. Im invisible. Its funny at one point in my life thats what I i wished for. My life was so bad I wished I was invisible and now here I am. Thats wrong right, wishing for that and getting that wish and it not being enough. I have to admit my life is better now, so why cant I be happy? Even if I had all the fake friends would I be happy then? What is going to make me happy? A boy? What if nothign makes me happy? Im not good at anything, im a medocre writer at best, im bad at math (which then bleeds into science) im no good at art im no good at sports socially im invisible. and I try so hard to be happy with my life because I know how much worse it could be like it has been so much worse so i feel guilty for being sad now. Like God has put me in this school has given me a great best friend, hes made me not popular but not weird. The only thing he hasnt given me is a good group of friends. What is wrong with me? Im sorry for all the spelling errors I really dont have the energy to fix them. see anothter thing im just half ass at. I keep telling myself that this is just highschool and life will be better but honestly what if I alwasy feel liek this wha if I never have a “good” group of frineds. What if this is foreshadowing the rest of my life. 

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looking back

looking back to old Tumblr posts I realized how much in such a short time my life changed.... Graci is my #1 bff again and im hers, D showed her true colors and Graci saw I was the only true one. ( I thank God for this). I was so focused on being left out. I mean it still hurts but I feel like I have more now. Like I have more to live for like I was a hollow person and this summer falling into a depression and digging myself out I feel “fuller”. The things I did this summer, Ian, Thad. They changed me like no one has before. I have a new outlook. I have a new hope. I'm not going to be bad anymore. It was fun but it also left me feeling lonely. I'm also glad Graci is gonna be good too, I hope she sticks with it bc I want to, like actually no more partying till college. I went out with a bang (by banging thad lollll). That is good enough for me. honestly anyone less than him would just be sad. If he is the last person i sleep with in highschool and last person I party with I am 100% good with that. Its like the night i snuck out with ian, it was so good then I should ahve left it there. It would have been better to leave it on a  good note rather than the bad one we’re on now. I dont want to make the same mistake. So im done. I partied the last time and I hope to grow clsoer to God. Who knows maybe I wouldn't want to party in college I cant plant hat far ahead. I mean the last week of summer changed my life. I thouhg summer was over and I ended up having the best experience ever in those last few days. I am leaving those days behind me and I am okay with that. Ending it with Thad is a hella good way to end it 

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Im a good girl who makes bad choices what does that make me

lonely lexxxx

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I back slid after i promised myself last time would really be the last time it wasn't but this time will really be the last time

until next time

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I feel most at home when they're not

lonely lexxx

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It has been to long i say as I welcome my old friend I've been avoiding you but you i can always depend on to show up because truthfully you never left

to my depression 

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it's not you it's the fact you are not him

I'm sorry I used you

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I try to find the words to describe what you made me feel but fail every time just like you did me

Lonely lexxx

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Thadeous

He was a senior when I was a freshman. He was captain of the football team, lacrosse team, and student body president, he was arguably the most popular guy in his grade. It is safe to say his high school experience was a little different than mine, considering I spend my time primarily with Graci, my only friend. Sure I have other friends at school but those are school friends, I never talk to them outside of school. Now that I've painted the picture of who he is and who I am you can understand why he never noticed me. Why he had no idea I even went to his high school. Why it is now my junior year and I happened to see the senior that I had a huge school girl crush on for the past two years. It’s not like I've thought about him every day for the past two years, but here and there I look at his IG or think about what “Thad” is doing. I’ve heard his reputation. He had the reputation of the drug-y dropout. But I always had a different image of him, I remember his senior power point slide, he wanted to go to law school and had ambitions. He was this idea I had. I had a dream that some years down the road we would meet up at law school. (yes somehow we would both end up at the same law school, ignore the improbability of it all I know how stupid it was) We would fall in love and we would both talk and find out we’re both from Pittsburgh only to continue and find out we went to the same high school, and we would talk about how close we were then and how we just missed each other and it was fate that brought us together. That was my freshman fantasy. About him. He always had a small place in my heart. That is why when I found him on tinder, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to swipe right, whats the harm right? If you know tinder you know how many matches you get. How very rarely does it turn into anything. Of course, I still thought of that fantasy I had and what are the odds of seeing him on here? After each pivotal point, I always think to myself “It couldn't go any further its not going to, he's a nice dream but that's its”. I honestly thought finding him on tinder and matching with him would be the highlight of my day, I mean matching with Thad, what more could I ask for?? well he texts me... but I get texts from almost every guy so its NBD... but then we start snapping.. and although I snap fewer guys there's still a bunch... again NBD right? then we start talking about hanging out. But how many people do you talk about hanging with.. sooo many so again NBD.. then we actually make plans. but people cancel plans all the time I mean what are the odds he actually shows up? Like I’ve had a crush on this guy (who previously didn't know i existed) since freshman year, and now we’re talking about hanging out??? At this point, he still has no idea that I'm not 19 (which I said I was in my profile) and the fact that we went to school together and mostly know ALL the same people. Talking about hanging out and actually hanging out are two different things. Until he shows up. (side note: nothing this lucky has ever happened to me, It has been many years since a guy of his place in the world has noticed me, I have been ditched and ignored by guys of lesser social standing than him. He was like a superstar at our high school, untouchable and this immense presence. it was a shock that he even paid enough attention to me to snap chat me, having him show up at my house was like a dream. It almost wasn't real). I didn't think he would come until I saw him with my own eyes, even then I think I was in shock. He wasn't just any senior, he was THE SENIOR I pined over, and thought about and made future plans that never in a million years could happen but here they are happening. If I died at this moment that would be okay. I feel so dramatic but to a person like me, in my social place at school, this is the best thing that will happen in the 4 years of high school. (This whole situation is so cliche just like a bad teen movie, but this was happenign to me in real life, tbh I still cant get over it) Boys don't talk to me at school. They don't notice me. and Thad isn't just another boy he is the Thad. That night we first slept together was amazing, (i don't remember a lot of it because another thing I did that night was drink more than I ever have before, which I highly regretted in the morning) I wasn't Ian amazing but it was close enough. I was prepared for it to end there. I mean its tinder, you hook up and never talk again. its what you do. but at this point, I had to stop being shocked because every moment from the time we matched became a shock and this was no different. after that night we not only talked (a lot) we saw each other again. I was starting school Friday and we saw each other Wednesday. It was the last hooray of summer. We slept together again (this time I can actually remember it all) Since Graci’s parents were home (last time they weren't) we had to find somewhere else to go. The only place we could find... the woods. But before we even were in the car for 5 min (Graci Thad and I) It gets brought up in conversation, how Graci and I know each other, (considering she lives in fox chapel and I live in Butler, side note: from this point before Thad assumed I went to Butler) I straight up tell him we both go to NC.... I figured it would get brought up in convo but I didn't expect it 1) so soon 2) With Graci in the car. Graci and I already knew to act like we had no idea he went there, so that's what we did. He was in shock and I pretended to be ( I guess I was still in shock I was with him at all) I knew he had family at the school but I guess the reality didn't really hit me until we talked about it. So the first thing we did was get that conversation out of the way, it was difficult but good. So we go to this park half a mile from Gracis house and there used to be a nice trail and a place to sit with a nice view, little did I know that wasn't there anymore, so we had very few options to choose from and we ended up on a hill in the middle of tall grass. At first, our chemistry is totally off. it's not like it was the other night, i remember thinking “ This is exactly what I was afraid of, it's not fun if I'm not drunk, and he’s boring and this is going so bad why didn't i leave it on a good note” It was just a bad start. Fast forward 30 minutes, we stop achieving nothing. but this failure leads to us talking. It was actually a really good talk, we sat and talked and laid together and weren't anyone but ourselves and it was such a pure form of intimacy. I was glad, we not only connected physically but spiritually I liked him. He was fun to talk to and easy and I just enjoyed it. and I think he enjoyed it too. After we talked for about an hour we did actually do it, we completed the psychical side of things, our chemistry may have been off at first but after getting to know each other more it was 100% back on. The sex was good, and I know it was for him too because he begged me to stay when we had to go. It was getting dark and we needed to go home, if we weren't on a time limit i would have stayed. After thsi day we continued to talk but starting school made me realize how crazy our relationship was, or how crazy I was to think we could be more than fuck buddies. I am still in highschool and he is a sophmore in college. Maybe one day is what we said to each other when I ended things. He agreed that it was a bad time (becuase fo the age difference) and he understood the secrets were hard for me (going to school and seeing his brother, who is practically his twin made it worse). I still have that hope of one day. Before I go off to college Im going to get in contact  with him, although I promised myself I would be a good person and not sleep around or party anymore. So thats what im going to do. (at least until I graduate) I want to see him again, but I will just have to wait. Although I did not feel for him what I did for Ian, he is still that senior boy freshamn me had a giant crush on. I cannot just forget that. It was an innocent fanatsy turned reality (which wasnt so innocent). summer 2017 changed everything for me. I dont feel the same after Ian and after Thad i see the world a little different. He will be my presious secret that i cherish forever.