myrepercussion-blog

[myrepercussion-blog]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[myrepercussion-blog]

1.

on nights like these, that’s when i wish i had a bit more understanding. a bit more demanding of science. by no means am i greatly superstitious or believe in things which require much more explanation than is given, but i do believe in predestined lives, predestined decisions, predestined events. and so it’s difficult for me to imagine that my “suffering” - if you can even call it that - is predicted case of events or simply my own mind under the consequence of a hormone imbalance.

to me it’s always been more than that though. hormones? sure that had something to do with the way i have been feeling for the last few weeks. it could also be the influence of other people in my life who have suffered or are suffering; my subconsciousness creating a feeling leading me to believe myself to be not of sane mind. and yet, can a subconsciousness really have so much power?

i know. i keep going on about my suffering as if my feelings are of such great magnitude, i have never felt worse pain. but that is not the case. and it is also not a case of what i’m feeling but rather, what i’m thinking. what goes through my thoughts, through my own head covered in hair too unruly to be deemed up to society’s standards. even now i keep jumping from subject to subject like there is no real course. and is suppose there isn’t.

this writing itself it just a mere attempt of me trying to understand my own mind. to try and pull it apart into its own individual pieces and analyse it the way i’ve been taught to analyse an english text. unfortunately, the human mind is much more complicated than a set of words grouped together to create meaning.

i believe i had another point to touch upon just before, and yet my mind already seems to have moved on. in fact, i have no recollection of what i could’ve possibly wanted to say.

how does the mind do that? question yet not seek an answer for long enough before moving forward? is that how all humans should be? is there an innate behaviour humans should follow in the first place?

i guess that brings me back to fate. to destiny.

i grew up rather religiously. perhaps more so than the average white western world girl. baptised as a baby and in attendance of nearly every sunday sermon until a distinct point in my life. there was even a time in that life where i went to church twice a week; a journey to have my first communion.

it’s strange to think about because my parents never were the ones to force me to abide by these religious rules i was culturally surrounded by. they say i chose to pursue religion on my own accord. but if i was so determined to abide religion, how was i so quick to forget it upon my move across continents? if one truly is devoted to their religion, should they not abandon it so hastily? and yet it was almost as if i was freed of a grasp i wasn’t aware had a hold on me. i chose not to think about religion for years after that. i let my brain mature without the expectations of the catholic church. or so i like to think.

i guess it was my feeling of being lost which awakened that part of me again. my mum had been talking at me about all these theories - beliefs rather - and how god and heaven and angels “really” worked. i only started listening years later.

today i like to believe in those things still. they’re beliefs not inherently catholic but that might be the closest of what it truly is. it is something i find, perhaps unlikely to be true and yet cannot believe there is any other way it works. it all makes sense. death, i mean.

and death is something i think about a lot more during times like these. not because i think that is the path for me - at least not right at this moment - but because it is as much an unknown certainty as it is an escape. and lately that’s what i’ve been really needing; an escape.

so maybe if it all works out, and if my procrastination and laziness don’t ruin me, this predestined theory “project” i just started, might actually help me understand what is going on in my head. for now, all i can give is the incoherent and jumbled thought process of my mind at one in the morning, after watching multiple movies which all made me cry and thinking writing a post to a site of strangers would help me feel connected to the world. perhaps it will.

- repercussion, s.k.