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January 26, 2017

This days seems so gray. I'm not sad and I'm not also happy. I can laugh but that's not the happiness I am craving for. Hmmm, it's so disturbing and pointless. I miss some people, some old people. I know I have someone to talk to but I can't say any word, how frustrating this day was, and It feels like someone was gone, drifted away with no trace nor explainations. I can't cheer myself up because my head is full of non-sense thoughts, my mind can't stop talking! Currently thinking about my grades, money, friends and the past at the same time! It's so annoying but I need to bare with it, this is my brain, my mind, my soul, my emotion.

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Rīga, Latvija

ph: Andis Jurjāns

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And my heart rejoices, thank you College Buddies. Tim loves you 😘

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Don't know how to start thanking you kay niabot ka sa akong life. We find luckiness in our friendship ever since we met. Kabalo ka Tim, isa sa dili nako malimtan saimoha, katong naa ta sa Rodelsa nga naay ginatan-aw na play tapos ikaw akoang katapad, and di pa kayo ta close ato. Ingon ko nga "tugnaw kayo bay", tapos sweet kay imohang gibuhat nga nag side view ka para masampongan ang hangin nga padulong saako. Siguro dili to nimo madumduman kay tungod daghan na nga higayon nga nagpakamaayo jud ka sa mga tao, pero for me, dili siya angay limtan nga butang kay maski gamay rato, special to siya na moment for me. And now, we've gone so far hantod sa nakita natu what we we're yesterday, and what we are now. Hangtod karon di ko katuo nga gipagtagbo jud ta, with the same experiences and same soul. Imagine you became my male version? And though dili sayon atong mga naagian but knowing nga "kabalo ko naa koy kauban, kabalo ko dili lang ako ang na ing'ani, kabalo ko naa pa si Tim for me". Kabalo ko nga naa kay mas ganahan nga friends kay mas dugay jud mo like silang Lora ug Jo, and okay raman sa akoa na mas special jud sila, enough na sa akoa nga nag tagbo jud ta. And siguro pud pod, ma feel nimo nga this letter is less special kaysa sa uban, but no. Kay dili ko basta-basta gahatag ug letter, unless special ang tao pariha ninyo, pareha nimo. And sorry if this may the least I could do compared sa tanang presensya nga imohang ginahatag saako, which I appreciate the most. Gusto lang jud nako pasalamatan and imohang pagka Don Timoteo para kay Doña Juana. THANK YOU! Thank you kay ikaw juy makabalo nga maski unsa ko ka malipayon pero kasabot jud ka nga nay problema sako! Thank you kay wala ka napul-an ug paminaw sakong mga drama. Thank you for being a call away. Thank you sa love Tim! And above all, I've never been this thankful nga na accept nako akoang self, and it's all because of you. Never been this happy nga naa koy ma share'an sa akoang deeper self, knowing na masecreto kaayo ko nga tao, and it's all because of you. Never been this contented, nga naa koy amigo nga permi mosabot saako and kabalo ko dili ko byaan maski narrow minded ko, and it's you. As what the song says "at the end of the day, some you win some you don't, but I'm glad that I'm here with a friend that I know always there with a smile saying 'you're not alone', singing 'la la la la, que sera'", we keep falling but the world keep spinning and I might stop winning but as lonh as I got you by my side. From now on, pag makadungog ko ani nga kanta saakong playlist, I would think of you. That way, dili nako malimtan nga naa koy amigo namely Timothy Paculaba. And I beg you not to leave me throughout my existence, because I want you to be there not just in my downfalls but in my upswings for you're one of the reason why I should keep going despite how hard our fate is. I love you Tim and happy Birthday! Love, Donya Juana Noble

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You can meet me in the pale moonlight

Trillium Lake, Oregon

instagram

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Am I Enough?

I have a lot of friends, but there's a lot of questions that pops up in my mind when I'm alone, the questions "Am I Enough?", "Are they happy when I'm around?", "Are they contented with the love I gave them?" Hmmmm, the answer remains silent but I hope I am enough. Enough for them to be comfortable with, enough for them to talk to and hang out with. I hope they miss when I'm not around. Because for me, if someones missing or not around, it feels like solving a puzzle with a missing piece.

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To the most beautiful person I know, I MISS YOU. I really do. I miss your elegance, your humor and your sisterly love towards me. I know you are busy and we don't have much time to spend each others company and that saddens me. I can still remember those days when you seek my presence, you seek me as your brother, but now, even a greeting you can't pronounce. You found a new lover and it felt like I was abandoned for no reason. We may have misunderstandings but I still love you as my older sister. I miss you, that's all I can feel right now. I hope you miss me, ate. I hope you do 😔

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Think, always think. Don't waste your time in staring at a blank wall, think what you should do, think what makes you alive, and think whats best for you. But don't overthink, it ruins your plans, your inner peace and especially, yourself. Think peacefully, together with the Almighty.

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My illusion

I thought I felt nothing, but that nothing was love. I’ve said to myself that I should not feel this way, because this kind of love is not the love I am searching for. I don’t know why but there’s something in you that I am so drawn into. I was not attracted towards your visible beauty, but it’s you as a person my heart fell unto. But now, I have to stop because I know you won’t feel the same way. It hurts so bad but I need to accept the fact that when it comes to Love, I suck. I just suck. Loser and unlucky.

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Distress

I can't say what I want to say, I can't express what I want to express. I want to feel your warmth, your body, your love. I don't want to be wrong, I don't want to disobey. There will always be this terrifying emotion inside you, to choose between should or shouldn't.

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To Rayjane,

To my soul sister, God knows how thankful I am that I met you. I am deeply in awe when I heard your life, some might not understand but I know that you know, I have fully understood your feelings and struggles. I have seen myself in you, a part of us where we plead and cried that it didn't happen, but all things are for a reason and I hope you found yours. When the moment I knew you, that was the first time I said to myself that all things are okay, I have found someone who is like me, and not only me who fights, we are many. We are brave, rayjane. I wish you a better life, because we deserve to be happy, we deserve to be Blessed. I will always love you rayjane, to the girl version of me, held high! I am with you in your battle. Again, we are brave rayjane.

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Another Heart Broken Memory

I know, I will never be happy when it comes to love. I am really stupid for falling inlove when in the first place I know this feeling won’t lead me to something, something magical and romantic. Again, accept the fact, let go and move on. It’s just a pain in the ass.

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I am a form of ART

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December 11, 2016

Nothing special but still a gloomy day. It is always like this, feels like you're alone and fragile. Craving for Love.