mysoulcommitedsuicide - Tumblr blog

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨words i cannot say out loud✨

if you’re doing in anyway and it won’t stop you from crossing the line what’s the point of saying sorry and acting naive like I don’t get the sign? so you get to treat me however you want as long as you show remorse if you knew me as a people pleaser you would know this is something I force it’s even worse to do it afterwards because after it’s done it’s done are you so oblivious do you do it on purpose, just to have fun? because you understand how I struggle with saying no yet you take advantage of it but with this angelic face and my heart i wouldn’t know how to quit

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

τα ανείπωτα να ακούς εκεί κρύβεται η θλίψη και η οργή σε όσα δε λέω σε όσα αρνούνται να πετάξουν

εκεί, στα αποσιωπητικά είναι αλήθεια νίκη αν σου περιγράφω αυτό που θα έπρεπε να βλέπεις

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

«ανδρείκελο»

ψαλιδίζεις τα φτερά μου λες έτσι πρέπει είμαι ασφαλής εδώ που να χωρέσει ο νους αυτό το εδώ

ποιο είναι το όριο της ασφάλειας και της φυλακής της δικής σου ανασφάλειας που στο όνομά της υποδύομαι και παίζω, σε μια σκηνή τραγωδίας στον ρυθμό σου που παλεύω να βρω

μια δική μου νότα

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨some thoughts i wish i could scream to those who treat me like shit✨

i’m constantly nice so you think i’m ignorant, always smiling so it makes sense if i’m clueless

to your intentions of tricking me, of making fun of the way i am

do you feel better with yourself? do you sleep at night without remorse?

how can you take advantage of my fear of confrontation and my inability to speak up

i always blamed myself, that i let it happen and i keep my voice from getting heard

maybe i had my role but you took it to new extremes when you stepped on my ground

you exploited any kindness left in my words, don’t you know i suffer

do i have to explain why i feel bad, then the game is already lost, if you don’t understand it yourself

have you told me anything true? or was i just an easy target to aim and you shoot your shot?

no, you’ll never find another like me, nobody that naive and stupid thinking you have pure motives

why would you? i don’t give you the right, instead i plant the seed of hurting

you know i don’t love me, why do you have to remind me?

you’re not smart for treating me that way, i’m just too good for letting you step on me

that says more about you than me, i control it because i don’t resist

you claim that’s the truth, i believe you, because i want to, i don’t wanna admit

but the facts say otherwise, i know it’s wary, but i don’t wanna let go yet

is this some kind of conspiracy that you all agree to, i’m known as a sucker who will do as you say

maybe it’s my fault after all, with my self-sabotage and my habits

i know you fool me, i can tell, i’m not as gullible as i appear to be

i just do it because i don’t wanna hurt you, because i’m never first choice

and i’ll keep saying sorry when you make me bleed, i’ll keep pretending it’s fine while i smile

it’s the same pattern, even if you throw me out, I'll still miss you more than i miss myself

take me for granted,i promise to misunderstand it, i’ll pretend it didn’t happen

what was i thinking?

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨paths of my mind✨

trigger warning 🪐

i grew up thinking one day i would do it

like i’m immune to anything but that

now if it doesn’t work i think it will be real this time

it’s my plan B every time, in case something goes wrong

i’m drawn to sadness and i find people brave when they do it

always postpone it, thinking what if i had done it

what if my life had stopped at 16, what happened since then?

sometimes i feel i have made no progress at all

maybe i’m too good at pretending that i even fooled me

but then why do i need something to distract me

can’t stay silent, because it’s too loud inside

no matter what happens, i will always lose

so hung up on my teenage-sorrows or who i’m gonna be tomorrow

it’s okay if you move on, i would do that too

i’m fading every day, thought i would be nothing by now

too tired of saying the same things over and over and over again

people must be tired of me, so many years of sorrow and torturing

it’s not even one thing that the pills could solve and mend

it’s me, my thoughts, actions and words

it’s the world that should bow down its head in shame

when will it end? i’m tired of begging

i just keep watering a dead flower

is it suicide if you’re already dead?

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨another letter i’ll never send✨

how many words and tears and thoughts until i’m okay

you are sick and you don’t even know it, that’s the definition of tragedy

you don’t give a shit about me and i have spent years trying to accept it

you made me think i was crazy when in fact it was you who couldn’t get it together

i used to think if i left i would fix my broken mind, but i can’t escape you so easily

you left your mark and i hate it, you inspire me to be nothing like you

i am never like this with anyone but you are different than anyone in my life

no one claims to love me so and makes sure i don’t love myself

you’re so hurt and bruised and haunted, i’ve become an expert at studying you

i just wish i could turn back time and make sure you never go through that

because now i’m paying for something i didn’t even wish for

i hate you for not letting my voice be heard, for making me fear life and people and places

i hate you for ruining all the good days and making sure it rained in every occasion i smiled

you don’t even know me, you’re even worse than a stranger

i know you think i’m dumb, and you convinced me, i struggle to change that

you never have enough, i will never be enough and i wish i could say that to her

the girl who cried and wondered if she made it up

who learned to shut up and listen so that she wouldn’t do anything wrong

you are not the center of the world, in case you still believe it

and i can’t change your mind no matter how many words i use, even if i screamed right into your face

you would describe the water while i would be drowning

and you’ll die without knowing, without hearing what i’m dying to say

maybe right before i die i tell you all the things i’ve piled up, and then you’ll feel bad

i want you to feel awful, like your soul is shred to pieces

maybe this is wishful thinking, you don’t even have a soul and you’ll never feel sorry

i’ll just be another delusional enemy you have to put in your list, i was one of them anyway

you don’t see me, you never see anyone beyond your ego and you

do you know how it feels like to talk to a wall

well i do, and it’s your fault i think most people think like this

you can give me all the things in the world and i’d still feel empty

i spend all the money and i still fight everyday to feel okay

i don’t know if you pretend or you’re totally blind, but if you do i hope you rot in hell

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨fear of confrontation✨

i’d rather die than deal with you, it’s where i’m the most scared

don’t wanna think about you saying i did something wrong

because i spend too much time in my head thinking my next move to do it wrong

i’d rather hide away and let you breathe before you realize i’m not cut out for that

instead i find excuses and apologies that make no sense in order to escape

i can’t face you eye to eye, can’t listen i made you feel slightly bad

that’s the last thing i want so i’m not ready to hear it

i don’t wanna listen that i made you feel like i feel, like they make me feel

i don’t wanna be like the ones that put me there

i’m sorry, my voice was never heard, so i don’t know how to speak up

i don’t have the words, they get stuck in my brain

my instinct to leave is really strong, it’s my first choice when something is wrong

thinking i’ll be better somewhere else

as if i won’t leave again until a minor inconvenience kicks me again

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨social anxiety✨

i look at them and i’m scared

they’re just people but to me it’s not that simple

why do i feel the center of attention when i don’t even like myself

why do they make me nervous with just their looks

i crave so much to be accepted that i can’t let myself show any flaw

if i suspect someone doesn’t like me, it’s the end of the world

but if they come close, i push them away

why do i gotta be a living contradiction?

i hate being indecisive yet it’s what i’m best at

i don’t wanna sound rude, i just hate parties and drinking and pretending i know what i’m doing

thinking what to wear and how to style my hair to look pretty for a moment

i never find flaws in anyone else so why do i judge me so hard

i feel i’m on the other side, like it’s me and them in a different place

where i don’t fit in and i try to find a way out

an escape where i can be the miserable and self-loathing person i know how to be

i hate small talk and the songs they play and i just don’t have the strength to deal with this

it’s already loud in my head, don’t wanna have to think about what to say next

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨mental state✨

i’m so used to pretending i’m fine, i don’t know if i’m acting anymore

i just want a time machine to check if everything turns out the way i want

that’s kinda hard when you’re never happy though

i’m so convinced i was born to be broken and sad

no magic pill is gonna change that and i don’t know if I’ve made any progress at all

i just feel my mind is stuck, won’t move since i realized something’s wrong

i laugh, i cry, yet i don’t feel any emotion still

this heavy feeling making me feel more empty than i’ve ever been

i’m afraid to be happy, don’t know how i could handle it

all i know is how to be melancholic

so maybe it’s out of reach, i wouldn’t know what to do

i’m scared of life because i fell in love with death

never thought i would live this long, my younger self would be so disappointed

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

τακτοποιώ τα ρούχα, το δωμάτιο, τους φακέλους, τα αρχεία

αφού δεν μπορώ να τακτοποιήσω τις σκέψεις 

τι δε θα έδινα για μια στιγμή γαλήνης

μιας απέραντης σιωπής που το μυαλό θα έβγαινε λίγο από την πρίζα

είμαι το φάντασμα του ανθρώπου που ήμουν κάποτε

να το το κενό, δεν το βλέπεις; 

δεν το βλέπεις;

ελπίζω να μην υπάρχει άλλος κόσμος μετά από αυτόν

με κούρασε

αν υπάρχει μοίρα, έχει γράψει να είμαι νεκρή

ζωντανή νεκρή

στον αυτόματο

νιώθουν όλοι έτσι και δεν το ξεστομίζουν;

είμαστε καλοί σε κάποια πράγματα και κακοί σε άλλα

ε, εγώ ε��μαι κακή σε αυτή τη ζωή

παίρνω κάτω από τη βάση

αλλά δεν κόβομαι

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

will i ever change?

when it comes to love, i’m an amateur and clueless

thinking this is not for me, it seems like a weakness

why is it easy for any other person?

wish someone could understand my version

it’s not like i have fun, i try to back away

when someone gets closer, i never let them stay

i just can’t, i feel uneasy and exposed

it’s like for me love is a case closed

why? why don’t i look for it?

is it something my depression and my flirt with death don’t permit?

do i not wanna even bother ’cause i know how it’s gonna end?

am i afraid to show my real self, my monsters that i can’t defend?

i don’t understand it, i feel like i wanna be loved but not at the same time

like it’s not meant for me, feeling guilty, like i’m commiting a crime

i just don’t fit in, in my people, in my world

feel like i’m asking for too much, or too little, it’s kinda absurd

i don’t know what i want, and that’s the real issue

if i had a lucky star, this is what i would wish to

love me enough so i know what i crave and accept

welcome any feeling other than despair, to actually connect

with another soul, another pair of eyes

i just hate myself so much for now so i just recruit lies

i don’t want to show the thoughts, should i keep them a secret?

how could i hide all these years, half my life and still be real?

i am sorry, i hurt people in the way

that’s the last thing i want, who will believe what i say...

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨words i can’t say out loud pt. 5✨

you say it’s just a little dream again

like a deja vu, you used to say that then

like i don’t know diminitives means undermining

i forgot, i’m stupid, i’m not good at thinking

you repeat yourself, i wonder aren’t you bored?

that i self sabotage and i’m wasting my potential

you’re trying to find the right words, like what i have now is essential

isn’t it ironic though, how until now it was useless and unimportant

it’s not my fault i find your opinions abhorrent

i shouldn’t think too high of myself, though, don’t get too caught up

i’m never gonna reach your level, like i give a fuck

you insist on giving it a chance, i should try to love it

you’re so clueless, you don’t know my mind, not even a bit

if you only knew how i’ve felt, would you still insist?

or would you ignore me like you always do, think it’s something i can fix?

suddenly my years of work is crucial and wanted

did it ever cross your mind to ask what makes me calm and loved?

justifying the choice through your perspective, like you reached the stars

i’m not gonna do that favor for you this time, not gonna wound your scars

you’re just trying to confirm this ain’t your tragedy, you didn’t mess up

well, guess what, i can’t be sorry for that, i already feel stuck

you don’t want me to be free, you just love control

you said you love it, then do it, if that’s your goal

i know you never cared about mine, i’m sorry for being a disappointment again

that’s who you are, if i was miserable, you would be content

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨ soul therapy not going too well ✨

i should have been okay by now

why do i still feel stuck

should feel happy, but i don’t know how

trying to suppress the memories and they all come back

spent hours on her couch, talking till my voice was sore

depending on my happy pills like it’s my last meal

so why can’t i end this endless war

sometimes i feel ashamed for the way i feel

is my brain flawed or am i just hardwired

the void inside is left vacant

thought my soul would heal, but still it’s tired

wish i sound myself but there’s still a secant

between the world and my mind

it’s always them and me on the other side

if you dig into my head then you might find

i’m so used to being sick, i don’t wanna get better so i lied

i don’t know who i am without it

addicted to my sadness, it’s the way that i was built

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨some words i can’t say out loud pt.4 ✨

i wish i could read your mind

to finally understand what’s going on

but i’m scared of what i might find

discovering the dark, it won’t feel that i have won

studying you so many years, i actually deserve a degree

yet i feel so helpless when it comes to it

even if i screamed, i don’t think you could ever see

you would rather die than making yourself admit

you don’t deserve to know me, my ups and downs

claiming that you care, but i no longer fall for that

if only you knew your words are the most painful sounds

wish i could have my childhood back

thank you for ruining my days and my nights

the greatest gifts were fear, crippling doubt and despair

must have done something awful and now i pay the price

too bad this time you can’t pay for the repair

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨some words i can never say out loud pt.3✨

no matter how much time passes, i can never be immune

wish i could talk to you, not just admit it to the moon

my Achilles heel, the only person that i fear

how can you not see why i don’t wanna be near?

emotional blackmail is the only way you can approach a person

your mind must be so twisted, it could be depression

do you enjoy cutting my wings off?

you think you’re wise by being rough

well, no, you wouldn’t like to hear that I’m sick in the mind

not that you’d be sad for me, but for your child

you’re so selfish, it cannot be real

i’m trying so hard, can’t see when i’m gonna heal

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨a poem about trust and the cruel world we live in✨

i can’t stop drowning for people who won’t get in the water for me

it’s because they’re bad or it’s my worth that i can’t see?

every time i open up, i end up hurt

it’s no surprise how they ask me why i’m always alert

is there anyone that doesn’t want to stab me in the back?

can’t meet someone new without an anxiety attack

honestly, i’d rather be alone than never feeling safe

some days my soul hurts so much, like one of a waif

wish i could find someone real, honest who really cares 

no jealousy, certainly not someone who compares

it’s not a damn race, life is already so cruel

why do we have to create a meaningless duel?

i wish i could stand up, support my ground

but a made-up aggressive me is not something i found

i can’t pretend, i’m already tired from all this

trust never met me, it can’t be something i miss

[mysoulcommitedsuicide]

✨just a text✨ TRIGGER WARNING

i don’t know what the problem is

or if it’s just one

i’m not happy, never was

i don’t feel anything

just a fear or life

i can’t do anything right

i’m so tired of pretending, pretending i’m happy

i just want a break, from everything

i can’t fall in love

i can’t keep the sad thoughts away

i’m sorry

i hate me for not speaking up

for being afraid

for feeling like a mistake

i’m tired

tired

exhausted

i feel a void

nothing can feel it

that’s the problem