myuntitledwords

[myuntitledwords]

I think I realised that there is a difference between appreciating something and feeling grelarful for something.

And I think that all these years that I have been turning oxygen into carbon dioxide, I found it hard to be grateful because I was resenting so so much. Because in my mind, I was thinking, "well with the abuse, neglect etc that I am going thru, these is the least the universe can offer as compensation"

Well universe.....

I want fucking more

[myuntitledwords]

i think as adults it’s our responsibility to be nice to kids and treat them with the respect we wish we got at that age and im not kidding or exaggerating in the least

[myuntitledwords]

[myuntitledwords]

Listening to seraph by DPR Ian, I realised that I was never allowed to grow my own wings, to learn to fly on my own.

Instead they gave me wings that were fake and didn't work, because they wanted their version what what I should be. To ground me, to make me do what they wanted. To be a good girl.

Ian never asked to "be like this", I never asked to exist.

They wanted their version of an angel for their purposes.

I am in the process of burning those wings.

I never wanted to be their angel, with their expectations of me that I never agreed to.

I wanted to be my own person, and to this day, I still don't know what that is supposed to look like.

[myuntitledwords]

I have worked hard all of my life.

Either surviving, fixing things, solving problems. But, none of that was for me, it was for every one else.

And now, I have nothing to show for it.

I'm sick of making compromises. But I have to make them more and more.

I hate it when people tell me that I deserve better and then in the same breath tell me well that's all there is and that is something that you have to be ok with. While they are enjoying their lives.

I am over when people try and apply their same solutions for a situation I am in where they had or still have the support (be it family or financial stability) and expect me to try and achieve the same outcome.

Maybe I am saying woe is me.... Or maybe I am just acknowledging how royally fucked up this all is because apparently the only option I have is to stay alive and put up with it.

[myuntitledwords]

Distance is my new response. I don't return energy; I remove myself.

[myuntitledwords]

I never wanted to be right. I just wanted to be understood in my point of view.

[myuntitledwords]

me not speaking after i hear something that hurts me because i'm tired of depending and explaining myself to them, so i just accepted it that i'm always wrong

[myuntitledwords]

“are u ok” lol hell no, please don't ask me that again

[myuntitledwords]

So I just got the ick... From my celebrity crush.

Can even look at content about him or listen to his music anymore ...

Why?

He is religious...

So many memories resurfaced from childhood about church.

And I tried to say to myself, "but he isn't like that " etc

But.

He is supporting a system by participating in it, that is ok with: child abuse, hoarding of wealth, shaming others, severe judgement on others. A system that was built on colonisation.

And I just can't

Edit:

I do know it's bad to make an assumption, he may not be super religious, he might just have faith.

And I do need to process the memories that have resurfaced, and once I do I could feel differently... But right now I am associating them together and I am having trouble un-linking.

[myuntitledwords]

[myuntitledwords]

I realised it's a different feeling when people say to you,

"you should be proud of yourself"

Vs.

"I am so proud of you"

The latter.... Hits different...

The latter ... Is much nicer

[myuntitledwords]

[myuntitledwords]

Is it bad that I don't want to be happy for people anymore? Like good for you something is great is happening for you, you succeeded, but I don't want to know, because no matter how hard I try, nothing good happens for me.

I don't want to support others anymore, is that bad? Because I need help, I would love it if someone backs me up for once in my life. I am tired of being in everyone's corner and no one in my own.

Like I don't want people to fail.

I want them to succeed

I just want to succeed too.

Or am I asking too much?

[myuntitledwords]

[myuntitledwords]

Every one tells you that you should live yourself, and tells you how.

But no one tells you how to like yourself....

I do love me

I just don't like me....

[myuntitledwords]

How do I start caring again?

I'm not interested in anything.

And it's exhausting to try and make me be interested.