nanayaki

[nanayaki]

As soon as I posted the last post, I feel slightly better. Magic? Or some psychological bull that I wish someone can explain to me. Please.

[nanayaki]

I have been dealing with a lot of unwanted emotions lately. It's been gnawing at me for many days...

Here's my story, whether it makes sense or not to anyone who reads this, I think I'll still feel better after posting it.

♡

My husband and I have decided to moved to Perth and we finally made it. After months of worry and planning we are finally in Perth, in nice rented apartment and both having pretty good jobs (even tho we dont make much yet) - I'd still think its a win.

We are comfortable and happy. Right?

But.

Why do I feel like I want to stay in bed all day and do nothing? Depression? From what? My work has not been as busy as it used too... but ohh yes. Maybe its my bulimia.

Its back. Not just back... but its relapsing very hard and I dont know who to talk to. It happens to fast and ends fast too and because of all the trauma I've had since a toddler, I am VERY good at just walking it off.

But now even when I try to walk it off, I cant do it 100%. Everything starts hurting, my back hurts from bending for some time, the top of my right hand hurt because I forced it so deep into my mouth - I am actually biting my damn hand. My throat hurts because of all the action going on with my hand and the vomit reflex. My stomach hurts because I pushed (or punched) it with my left hand as I try to forced food out with all the self-loathing I've got for myself.

And all that is happening twice a day. At least for now... I just remembered I used to do that at every small snack that goes into me ard 6 years ago.

And now, I am so sad. I'm dissappointed in myself. And if you're bulimic, you would know that the guilt is so so bad. And what I used to "walk off" doesn't make it easier to forget about the guilt as I have to feel everything after the horrendous purge.

Its not just the purging.

Its the sneaking ard too and my anxiety is through the roof BUT I STILL HAVE TO PURGE. I need to get it all out or I will be &#%&@@$#...

No one can ever understand that. No one who doesnt have this eating disorder. That's why I cant tell my husband.

Well, thats one thing that has been bothering me. The other thing is, everytime I get into an argument with my husband, I want to hurt myself. Even after the argument is done, I want to take a really sharp knife and just cut my wrist or anything that will make me bleed and feel that pain. Because I am feeling that huge thick 10kg cover over my chest thats suffocating me and all I could think of to feel better is my killing a piece of me. A sacrifice that I wouldn't mind taking cuz it felt like a good goddamn deal at that moment. Even now.

The crazy thing is, the only thing that's stopping me is that the knife outside is blunt. How stupid is that. How broken am I? If there is a sharp razor, I would have done it the minute my husband falls asleep. But theres that other worry, where should I cut so that he can never see it? Maybe my bikini line? Or just make it look random on my arm so that I can it I accidentally cut myself cleaning the oven?

You see how I have to do all this sneaking and lying?

Thats how I have lived my whole life before I met my husband 3 years ago - and also after I met my husband. I didnt really stop sneaking and lying until last year.

And now, I'm back at it because I'm relapsing.

Addition to the bulimia relapse, the urge to self-hurt, I am trying too hard to pretend that I'm living and its making me so angry. I have to force myself to get up and smile - and guess what? I've been doing it for YEARS that its almost natural for me, when all I want is to scream the fuckkkk out until I have no more oxygen and I collapse.

This is what's happening to me right now. And that is exactly what I want to do. Something I want more than cutting myself atm.

[nanayaki]

There was no storm between us, none ongoing

Yet my heart starts racing

Not to an adventure awaiting

But a secret despair within me

That I cant fathom to ask you to seek

Because in darkness, it stays in silence

Desparate... but weak

But what is this bountiful urge

Scream or cry, not know which worth

I used to want to tell you

My pain, from start to ending...

But now all I truly would rather

Dissolve in toxic acid... surrender

[nanayaki]

“Staying quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say, it means I don’t think you’re ready to hear my thoughts.”

— Unknown

[nanayaki]

It's raining outside

Not too heavily but enough to make everything wet

We were sitting in a cafe and tension between us

What was once a hope for a great coffee roasting scented start of the day

Now filled with a bitter aftertaste

Primarily it was because of insensitivity

But the hurt grew from shared words that causes misunderstanding

Now we changed our unpleasant setting from cafe to bed

We shared a hug but wasn't enough to mend the pain

Caused by so little but hours no change

More words exchanged and we relived the pain again

Now we sit in silence not knowing what to say

Or is it because we didnt want to be seen weak so silent we stay

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

Am I wet? Am I on my period? Did I pee my pants?- next on wtf is going on down there.

[nanayaki]

Blogging chatting was the rage

Next to illegal music and xxx tapes

Now its all square images, filtered face

Sixteen young already on a social race

Our true self can sometimes be a drag

Its overrated, who cares what else we bag

All I want to do is be under my blanket

While I silently breathe in hashtags and likes

What?

Everybody does it, Everybody did

If I cant scream perfection

All naked from my bathroom reflection

At least others see perfect from their dimension

[nanayaki]

maalavidaa

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

“How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.”

— Nina LaCour

[nanayaki]

[nanayaki]

Can we turn the tables

Can we even stop

Even if we want to so badly

Why don't we just drop

You know you and I want to

But next minute we continue

Two broken hearts in this room

Not fixing the issue

Blamed me all you want

But I never intended to push you

If telling you my pain

Meant it would turn out this way

I would never have started

This pointless endless game

[nanayaki]

I am sad. I feel sad. Don't know why sometimes but I get mad at myself for being sad, not knowing why... would I be cruel to myself for making up excuses to explain why I am sad? Would it be cruel to you too?