narcissusjournal

[narcissusjournal]

January 7th- The Plan

New Year's Resolution a couple of days late. 

Doesn’t bode well so far, does it?

I’ve always considered myself a writer. I’ve envisioned futures where I am praised and given accolades for my works. Works that are challenging, thought-provoking, resonant, award-worthy. I have practiced my award speeches and my interview answers on the red carpet. Watching award shows (coincidentally, the Golden Globes 2020 were this week. Promise that it was unplanned), I watch with a smile on my face and the thought, “One day that will be me.” Best adapted screenplay. Best original screenplay. WGA member and winner. Perhaps novelist and poet. Poet laureate? Unlikely- something worth striving for? 

Yet. 

Here I am. 

A writer who never writes. Even worse: hasn’t even attempted to write something in years. (Has there ever been a time where I’ve written consistently in my life? Can I even be considered…?)  Nonetheless, that changes today. This year. At least, ideally. I made this resolution last year and never even tried. But 2020 is going to be my year (...right? Positive attitude makes a difference...right? Speak it into existence and all that?)

I may be wildly delusional with aspirations that may never come true (see: award show rant above), but I am somewhat practical. I know that I cannot just jump in and start writing a novel, a screenplay, or whatever. I would also like to think that I don’t completely lack any sense of self-awareness. I’m aware of how narcissistic this entire piece is. That first paragraph talking about awards? The most embarrassing thing to admit and I’m holding myself back from deleting the entire thing. I am also so tired already of saying “I” and writing about my feelings, because who the hell cares? Why can’t I stop talking about myself? But also what is wrong with writing out my feelings and my thought process? Nothing, really. Except that I want people to read it but also don’t want anyone to acknowledge this mortifying ordeal. Want the praises but not the transparency. Can’t people just tell me I’m good without needing proof?

I am a writer, though, right? Taking that creative writing class in college counts, right? Holding onto professor’s praises from years ago is only just a little embarrassing and not absolutely mortifying, right?

So here I am. Writing about writing and yet not actually writing. I sat down to begin this about two hours ago and I’ve only succeeded in procrastinating by looking at writing software, writing subreddits, contemplating starting a writing blog to archive this, and then being derailed by how self-absorbed it must seem to assume that anyone cares about my writing journey and why are we currently so obsessed with getting praises in the form of likes and views and retweets? Constantly commodifying ourselves to be products to be consumed by the masses? So performative that Judith Butler feels validated but even she is looking at this while cringing. 

I’m spiraling. Which is also a form of procrastinating because it’s so much easier to think about the existential state of society than writing a story. The english major in me wants to justify this by saying, “This is simply stream-of-consciousness writing! I’m channeling my inner Virginia Woolf!”  

Yeah. I know what a flimsy excuse that is. God, that blinking cursor on the blank page is downright rude. 

So back to the point— writing. Searching writing prompts across the social media platforms doesn’t appear to be working for me so I came up with my own method. I was gifted a “Classical Mythology” book some years ago, full of Greek myths. Here’s the plan: pick a random one and write something somewhat connected to it. It might be a modern re-telling, an exploration of the character, a dive into the overarching theme, a POV of the situation. Basically, anything to get me writing and to stop procrastinating. 

I’m hoping the first couple of weeks will be mainly this. Just getting back into the groove of writing daily and stretching the muscles. The creative juices flowing, as they say. Here’s to this somehow working and having multiple finished works by the end of the year and feeling a sense of accomplishment on December 31st, 2020! Cheers!