narcsayswhat

[narcsayswhat]

living with abusers means having constant ongoing record in your head of all the things you could possibly be blamed for

[narcsayswhat]

[narcsayswhat]

My angry reactions to his abuse... he said those angry reactions were why he left. Why he walked out.

Even now, that hurts.

[narcsayswhat]

Yup. Life with a narcissist. 

[narcsayswhat]

Stacks

Let’s make two stacks... the things he did and the things I did: The things I did:

Tried to help him kickstart a business that he refused to nurture

Held him accountable when he asked for accountability

Asked him for help when he insisted he wanted to help me

Held him accountable for promises he made and things he said he’d do

Got angry in response to his cheating on me multiple times

Asked for an apology when he cheated on me

Expected him to stop cheating on me

Never broke a promise to him

Lied to him one time about something to do with a confidence I was required to keep, but other than that, never lied to him

Invested in him as a part of my life

Introduced him to my friends and family and gave him opportunities to expand his social and business networks

Recommended him for work

Built him a website, multiple PR & Advertising campaigns

Taught him how to get more attention

Helped him build business systems so he could run his business with less effort

Listened to him, God, how I listened to his neverending self-centered chatter about everything to do with his business, his life, his family, his trauma, on, and on, and on...

Supported him emotionally and made major changes to both my behavior and personality to accommodate his needs and desires

Gave him sex - good sex, midling sex, mind-blowing sex, satisfying his fantasies and seeking out new/fun/creative ways to be present with him

Holding him when he cried

Seeing him for who he was and who he could be

Holding space for his trauma and all his past pain

Introducing him to new words, new ways of expressing his creativity, new thoughts & ideas

Coaching him when he asked for it and when he insisted he didn’t want coaching, being a reflective conversationalist to provide a space to build up his self-esteem

Paid for meals, assets, subscriptions, clothing, furniture, business needs, groceries, bills, fuel, hotel rooms, etc. and never asked for reimbursement

Created time between my clients and siblings and friends for his non-stop, voracious need to be with me every moment at first, and then, when that declined, accommodated his waning interest by shifting my own internal needs/wants

Loved him - or at least, who he pretended to be

The things he did:

Paid for things once in awhile, a dinner here, an asset there

Lied to me about nearly everything and continued lying - unless confronted with a recording of his lie or other proof

Triangulated me with his other existing relationships

Cheated on me multiple times

Used the same pet names, relationship patterns, date locations, etc. with his other relationships

Made insinuations about my weight/attractiveness/age that manipulated the claims that alternately “enjoyed how fat you are” or “other men may not see you as attractive”

Raged at me for doing what he asked - holding him accountable, coaching him, sharing my feelings with him

Ran round in word-salad circles when I wanted to confront issues

Raged at me for getting emotional when he cheated on me

Conned me into sacrificing time with my kids so I could spend half-time with him, things like him staring at social media for hours at a time or taking a nap when he insisted he didn’t need sleep

Manipulated my attachment to him so that leaving became a matter of breaking trauma bonds

Broke up with me multiple times for no cause (see manipulated attachment above)

Pretended to have a much-publicized memory problem, but then claimed perfect clarity in arguments about minute, false details

Stole my intellectual property by priming me to share ideas which he then took and represented as his own to other “clients” (graphics, website templates, coaching curriculum, marketing campaigns, PR checklists, business systems, ideas, etc.)

Stole multiple items throughout the relationship by manipulating me with kindness/affection but then turning on me with rage and anger once he’d gotten the thing he wanted

Pretended to have an ED issue so that the sex became mediocre and something I had to do myself

Looked at Instagram while in the middle of getting me off while claiming he just liked to see me ‘finish’, but still avoiding helping me actually finish

Blamed me for blocking him on social media once I figured out what he was doing

Gave me the silent treatment many times when he didn’t want to address the cruelty he’d inflicted 

Expected forgiveness with no action toward showing remorse or repairing his cruelty or betrayal

It’s trauma bonds that kept me with him, not what I got from the relationship, and DEFinitely not his kindness or personality or merits.

[narcsayswhat]

Ah, yes

He cheated on me. Multiple times. And I tried to work it out every time.

But I’m evil because when he broke it off with me the 7th time, I blocked him on social media.

I mean, blocking someone on social media after they tell you they���re ‘done’ with you is just as bad as cheating on someone multiple times. Right?

Apparently, I’m the worst.

[narcsayswhat]

‪Have you noticed how similar #narcissisticrage is to a toddlers tantrum?? 🦋 #narcissistsupply #narcissistawarness #narcissistpersonalitydisorder #narcissisticabuserecoverycoach #narcissisticabuse #unmaskingmovement #toxicpeople #toxicrelationships #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth‬

https://abusevictimshealing.co.uk

[narcsayswhat]

So totally. So completely. Except this dude is capable of self-awareness to fix the issue. I hope this generation can get to that point, too. Go you YAH!

[Source: @KiranADavid]

(Edited because phone messed up)

[narcsayswhat]

It’s why he couldn’t handle letting me have time away from him. He’d fill my days with texts, “togetherness”, complaints about how everyone in his life treated him so badly, “projects for work” that never resulted in product, and all sorts of other little-boy nonsense so he could distract me from how utterly, utterly painful it was to be near his spiky lies and manipulations.

its times like now

when i live away from you

that i realize how much

worse off i am with you.

[narcsayswhat]

“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in things we do for each other every day.”

— Nicholas Sparks

[narcsayswhat]

On emotions

Him: I just want you to heal from all the things men have done to you.

Also him: You never get mad at me. I’ve decided that you need to feel your real emotions around me. I just want you to beat your tiny fists on my chest and get mad at me.

Me: *gets mad at him*

Also him: HOW DARE YOU GET MAD. LET’S BE CLEAR: _YOU_ LOST YOUR SHIT OVER NOTHING. ALL YOU EVER DO IS GET MAD OVER STUPID THINGS.

[narcsayswhat]

On his business

Him: You do marketing? Do you have any ideas about how I can get customers in my totally empty shop?

Also Him: I love how you challenge me to do better. And your marketing ideas worked - I made twice as much this month!

Also Him: God, why do you always shame me for not working on my business!! You’re not good for me.

[narcsayswhat]

On women

Him: I can get any woman I want.

Also Him: I’ve treated women so badly. I don’t even know why I do it.

Also Him: But you’re psycho and toxic and that’s why I treat you so badly.

Also Him: God, I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship with you anymore because you treated me so badly.

[narcsayswhat]

[narcsayswhat]

Cycles and Patterns of Abuse

When someone has demonstrated a pattern of abuse with you, then they are going to continue this pattern, Narcissists will train you to forgive them and have renewed hope in the relationship,  when they give you a break from abuse.

Just because someone stops abusing you for a short period of time does not mean they are being good to you. The cycle of abuse goes around in a circle from abuse , back to a “nice” phase and then back to abuse again. 

This pattern causes PTSD….a severe hypervigilance, an overload of cortisol and adrenaline, and eventually a malfunction of the amygdala and the fight or flight mode. 

You will learn to be on alert at all times for possible abuse and danger. Your brain and body were not designed to be in fight or flight mode in a regular basis. It will cause mental illness and physical illness. 

Emotional abuse and mental abuse are dangerous for your health. both mentally and physically.

[narcsayswhat]

Be wary of those who claim if you don’t trust them, you’re hurting them.

Be wary of those who insist you are obliged to give them more than they offer in return, and if you fail to do so, you’re not doing enough.

Be wary of those who accuse you of being cruel if you don’t give them everything they want.

Be wary of those who lure you into comforting them after they’ve hurt you.

Be wary of those who demand forgiveness without ever admitting they hurt you.

Be wary of those who claim to not remember their actions that scarred you.

Be wary of those who insist they’re “human” after you confront them on their cruelty.

Be wary of those who’ll use your empathy against you, who see your compassion as a toy for them to play with.

Those do not care about your well being. They don’t care how much they’re hurting you. They wont care if they scar you permanently. They’ll take as much as they can for you, and abandon you when you need them the most.

[narcsayswhat]

Benefits of not being around abusive people:

Not having to listen to them

Not having to exhaust yourself making them feel good about themselves

Not having to listen to lies and twisted re-telling of events

Not getting shut down, insulted and humiliated when you try to speak

Not having your emotions invalidated and ridiculed

Not having everything about you used against you

Not being treated like an object or a property

Not being yelled and screamed at when you try to stand up for yourself

Not having to second guess your every thought and opinion

Not having everything you know to be true denied to you constantly

Not having to imagine worst case scenarios constantly

Not having to bottle up all the fear, pain, and anger

Not being self-conscious about your appearance

Not having to worry about being degraded, called out or insulted based on your appearance

Not being stared at and feeling like you’re being watched and judged no matter what you’re doing

Not being glared at and addressed with hatred and scorn

Not being forced to compete for attention

Not being denied attention

Not feeling pathetic and horrible about your needs

Not feeling like everyone hates you and you’re unnecessary

Liking yourself

Loving your body

Gaining confidence in yourself

Knowing what you can do and how capable you are

Being aware of your talents and virtues and feeling proud and content

Being able to point out what’s wrong without getting shut down

Being able to call anyone out on their shit without getting attacked

Being able to express your pain, fear, anger, without getting abused

Being accepted

Being good enough as you are

Being important to yourself and other people

Having your feelings and opinions matter

Having your point of view matter

Having your work and care valued and reciprocated

Talking about whatever you feel like talking about

Being heard and listened and validated

Being allowed to complain and rant and cry 

Feeling comfortable asking for what ever you need

Feeling entitled to what you need to be alive, healthy, and content

Having a clear mind and knowing exactly what is the truth and what isn’t

Feeling safe and knowing that nobody is about to attack you